Communication after acceptance of co-dependency

[waitingwife]

Hi All,

So I feel like I am getting more & more closure to my problems after I have accepted that I am co-dependant. The serinity prayers helps me during my crisis mode. I have 1 question and one confession to make and I'll try my best to be clear.

Question:

UBPDH is travelling and returning after 2 weeks. I had a light bulb moment in therapy when he was gone about my co-dependant nature. So I have also been reading the book co-dependant no more and learning a few tools. For the first time in my life, I haven't thought about BPDH's issues or other family issues but just thought about me & my purpose in life. I go through being really happy & it is painful both at the same time. H is returning soon and I feel like having a heart to heart discussion with him about my goals in our r/s and my boundaries. I had very unclear boundaries & I want to make amends. I have never had this much clarity and please tell me it stays and it's not going to be a fleeting moment like when BPD's regulated happy moments. I feel like I'd be authentic to my soul if I communicated my goals & defined our roles. I'm trying hard to not focus on the outcome(his dysregulation) coz I truly believe my intention. I have also realized that I haven't given him the credit & love for his goodness and just been so preoccupied with controlling our r/s oitcome. I was a spontaneous person who didn't wesr my heart on my sleeve but lately I did that. Now I want to undo that. What do you all think about that?

Confession:

My brother's wife(sil) has her mental issues and I was having a sleepover at my brother's house. She was giving my brother the ST and my brother was doing the dd and moving from the victim to rescuer position. He had spent a few hours at my house & they both were fighting. So I sensed a lot of coldness from sil with whom I usually get along well. So in the morning, I picked up my things & daughter and said we're going to leave and not stay over tonight coz I feel very uncomfortable. She straight went into - did I do or say somrthing? Why? I told her it's nit you, I need to be more centered & grounded and that right now I am not. She tried to emotionally blackmail & said your brother reslly wants to spend time with you and you really should stay. I replied to her today is not the only day... .Today didn't turn out like we're having fun but we'll have many more days where we'll be having fun & at peace. Then she called me after a day & said that she couldn't sleep all night, etc coz of the way I left. I told her the same & said I cannot change how you feel & I'm really sorry for the way you feel. She started saying don't think too much, don't drive yourself crazy, etc. i was tempted to say please help yourself first but I didn't coz I didn't want to sound self-righteous.

So this was one of my attempts at choosing to do tight by me by leaving. I'm going through feeling good and pain(hope I did the right thing) from self-doubt coz I am so used to defaulting and driving on the opposite side. As we keep putting ourselves first, does this feeling get better? Does it become our new notmal?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

It sounds to me like you are heading in the right direction. I would say that like most things we begin to grasp there will be victories and failures. Your interest and level of commitment will come and go. Life isn't a straight line. It's filled with ups and downs and that includes our own mental health. We will have good days and bad.

I guess as far as your question on whether this feeling will stay or go, I will say that the feeling will probably go. For someone who is co-dependent sticking up for yourself feels selfish... .until you get used to doing. Once you are comfortable with being YOU you will easily know your own boundaries, what you will and won't put up with, and if you violate your own boundaries then you will be uncomfortable. OR if you really do act in a selfish way then you will feel bad because you know that you violated someone else's boundaries. I'd give it time though. When you feel bad/guilty, examine it. Don't assume that you did wrong. You need to find your even-keel spot. Don't forget to celebrate those times that you get it right.

[JH68]

I have never had this much clarity and please tell me it stays and it's not going to be a fleeting moment like when BPD's regulated happy moments.

I've been working on myself with a sponsor in Al Anon for nearly two years.  (In addition to BPD there are addiction issues in my family.)  I've changed a lot of things about myself.  I'm better at setting boundaries and detaching from my BPDw's emotional dysregulation.  However, I still make lots of mistakes.  Sometimes, I have a lot of clarity about boundaries I need to take care of myself.  Sometimes, things get foggy and I get enmeshed.  There's a slogan in Al Anon, "Progress, not perfection."  One day I hold a boundary and celebrate a victory.  The next day I capitulate on something important, remind myself that I'm not prefect, forgive myself, and figure out what I can do better next time.

I wish I could have a sudden epiphany, a mental switch would flip, and I would find myself an instantly changed person.  I'm 47 years old.  I have a lot of bad habits to work on.  The changes are gradual.  However, when I look at where I was a couple years ago versus where I am now, I know I have undergone some amazing and profound positive changes.

If you have a bad day, your light bulb goes dim, the clarity isn't there, and you find yourself falling back into some bad co-dependent habits, don't beat yourself up.  It just means that you had a little slip.  Stand up, brush yourself off, and get moving again.  You can find the clarity again.

[waitingwife]

Thanks so much for the input. The finding of the new even-keel is what I am going to have to be patient coz all my life for 36 years, I thought I am a very balanced person butnit came from repression of my feelings. My goal for the new balance is by feeling my feelings and not putting them on the back burner anymore. That pushes me to questiin myself of whether I am being self-righteous and leads to self-doubt but I see where I'll have to get good sleep, food,exercise, etc to keep feeling good from otherareas of my life and then I'll be able to cope with the feelings of change.

It's so true that life is not oerfect nor will we be! I have made tremendous progress and I keep reminding myself of the little victories I have had and give myself a pat on my back for making them happen.

Thanks for this wonderful group and for being there always... .I can express my feelings & emotions in such a non-judgemental way and that helps me to move on.

I have set some goals for myself and my relationship and thats a start.