3 days with no contact. This is horrible

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I posted this as a reply on the conflict board, but thought it was better here. .


He has ended it again. I just tried to communicate with him, he's said he'd rather I spoke up instead of letting things get to me, he's been on his phone all weekend and genuinely ignored me. So I tried to explain it feels as though he's holding back from me.

That's when the accusations of not listening to him, I'm never going to 'change' the neediness, I control his thoughts all because of a situation that I saw and treated like a joke, which we always used to do. So we're talking about something I'm laughing he's laughing, I can't tell if he's being serious so I basically said, say it without laughing and I will believe you, he laughed again so I said I knew he was joking. He explained some things on Friday evening and I said'i can see how that could come across as controlling' but he's saying I admitted to controlling his thoughts and his feelings. 

I've blamed myself a lot since this mess started, but I'm the same person I was when we got together! But in his mind it's all negative, I'm worst relationship he's had, when I've been treading on egg shells, doing the 45 minute drive to him when he says jump I say how high. Him and the friend who gave me some advice both reckon I repeat .myself... I've been letting go of the things that bother me,  but when I finally let any kind of emotion and frustration out I'm 'pathetic'

We were supposed to take my son out on Thursday, and I simy suggested we leave it until then, we spend some time as a family and the stress wod subside, I've been stressing about splitting my time between him and my son as it's difficult where he lives In a different county. 

His response to my suggestion was 'surely it's better for me to walk out of your son's life now. Than for him to find me hanging in your bathroom' 

I have given this man my heart and soul. But all of this,  feels like genuine torture. He's playing mind games with me and has admitted to it.

I'm fighting a completely lost battle and it's broken my heart that he can pick me up and drop me, it was 2 days Prior that I asked if we could try. In the two days he just said 'he can't come back from it'

Trying to explain every relationship has hard times he sees As a dig, that he doesn't see life as 'normal people do' 

I was happy to deal with the bad days, I was prepared. But after this I know he won't come back from it. I just don't understand how he can be  completely out of love with me. 

Unless he's  very good at lying.

It has been three days with no contact and I'm hurting so much. People are telling me what he has said especially is unforgivable, but all I am reminded of is how badly I wanted this to work.

[rb08]

I posted this as a reply on the conflict board, but thought it was better here. .


He has ended it again. I just tried to communicate with him, he's said he'd rather I spoke up instead of letting things get to me, he's been on his phone all weekend and genuinely ignored me. So I tried to explain it feels as though he's holding back from me.

That's when the accusations of not listening to him, I'm never going to 'change' the neediness, I control his thoughts all because of a situation that I saw and treated like a joke, which we always used to do. So we're talking about something I'm laughing he's laughing, I can't tell if he's being serious so I basically said, say it without laughing and I will believe you, he laughed again so I said I knew he was joking. He explained some things on Friday evening and I said'i can see how that could come across as controlling' but he's saying I admitted to controlling his thoughts and his feelings. 

I've blamed myself a lot since this mess started, but I'm the same person I was when we got together! But in his mind it's all negative, I'm worst relationship he's had, when I've been treading on egg shells, doing the 45 minute drive to him when he says jump I say how high. Him and the friend who gave me some advice both reckon I repeat .myself... I've been letting go of the things that bother me,  but when I finally let any kind of emotion and frustration out I'm 'pathetic'

We were supposed to take my son out on Thursday, and I simy suggested we leave it until then, we spend some time as a family and the stress wod subside, I've been stressing about splitting my time between him and my son as it's difficult where he lives In a different county. 

His response to my suggestion was 'surely it's better for me to walk out of your son's life now. Than for him to find me hanging in your bathroom' 

I have given this man my heart and soul. But all of this,  feels like genuine torture. He's playing mind games with me and has admitted to it.

I'm fighting a completely lost battle and it's broken my heart that he can pick me up and drop me, it was 2 days Prior that I asked if we could try. In the two days he just said 'he can't come back from it'

Trying to explain every relationship has hard times he sees As a dig, that he doesn't see life as 'normal people do' 

I was happy to deal with the bad days, I was prepared. But after this I know he won't come back from it. I just don't understand how he can be  completely out of love with me. 

Unless he's  very good at lying.

It has been three days with no contact and I'm hurting so much. People are telling me what he has said especially is unforgivable, but all I am reminded of is how badly I wanted this to work.

[Daniell85]

If you allow yourself to be drawn into his BPD view of the world, it's going to take you down into some pretty dark places. You are standing on the cusp of that right now. It's time to try and get some detachment so you don't get pulled further into the chaos.

First, this isn't your fault. I know he is telling you it is. Hard not to believe him. BPD is often a disease of lies and projection onto the non.

It looks to me like you are feeling a loss of power and control in the situation. He is making promises, not keeping them, he is doing disappearing acts, and threatening suicide, and making noises of how you get abandoned.

Pretty scary stuff.

3 days feels like an eternity. Except when you re-set your expectations. He is giving you clear signals that he is wanting space. It's not the end of the world. It hurts to be disregarded. It's best that you give him that space.

In the meantime what can you do to take that time to stabilize how you are feeling and gain perspective? These actions will have to be something you do while setting aside of any expectations on him.

Any thoughts?

[rb08]

The way I'm feeling? Angry, abandoned, empty and alone to put in a nutshell.

I didn't care about how hard it got, I cared about him. Our relationship.

I tried to tell him that today but it was another  case of me controlling his thoughts, I didn't want to be scared to show or say how I truly felt anymore. So I told him that I felt as though I was being punished for having flaws and emotions, that I didn't understand because post break up he hasn't said a great deal on how he is feeling about the situation.

Because I had said I felt it was punishment he came back with he's never going to talk to me again.

It's mixed signals he wants space, then he wants an argument,  lhe doesn't say he cares, but he expects me to know. He wants me to be blunt and truthful about my feelings, I do and he doesn't want to talk to me again.

I've gained perspective of i can't do this anymore, I can't keep hurting myself in hoping that he's going to come back. I've pushed away a lot of people for the relationship that I thought was the best one of my life,  but as soon as it got hard he left, and I have to pick up the pieces.

I'm trying to keep my emotions under control. I have nothing more to say to him whilst he is still blaming me,and if that is all that I can expect from him for now on then it obviously isn't going to go anywhere other that continuously being kicked whilst I'm down.

[Daniell85]

What he wants, though he doesn't consciously realize it, is to raise your upset and the upset in the situation so it is on level with the upset he is feeling.

I know you are hurting. I am there, too. I am not nearly as detached as I should be. My ex bf is punching every button he can. And I go days without responding to it, until he does something particularly hurtful and I am trying to talk to him, and my resilience is gone, so I end up lashing out at him.

All it does, all you trying to make sense with your ex, is you hurting yourself. Because he is using the contact to disregulate on you and you are fighting back by trying to sort things.

He doesn't want to sort things right now. He wants to stop being the bad guy and to escape repercussions for his actions.

It's where he is right now. It's a mental illness. He's not normal. You are. It is paramount that you accept he is not normal, or you are going to keep going into that arena and try to get a normal response from him.

Go quiet, drop off the face of the earth for 2 weeks, and probably you can re-engage in a calmer state and if you are careful, and lower your expectations that he is going to support you... maybe you will be on friendly terms.

You are very distressed. He is not going to help you. He won't, because his illness is telling him to shed the shame by drenching you in it.

Avoid him for now. I am trying to take my own advice. It is hard!  

[rb08]

What makes it worse,  Is I have to make contact If we are to talk. I'm emotionally drained, genuinely broken.

I ask him if it's what he really wants, there's no straight answer it's 'if you'd of listened you would know the answer to that'

It's almost as though he's actually enjoying it.

I do understand he isn't 'normal' but honestly, who in this world is? What is deemed normal?

When I found out about the b.p.d I read everything I could on the disorder, even had a few talks with him about it, but it doesn't help me understand him. I can understand the disorder as much as possible but he's like a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, when I start to see pieces going together, he's pulls away. Closes himself off says he wants no contact with me.

After actually thinking about all of with with a relatively clear head, I know he's not going to help me get through this, I don't have any faith in him talking to me at all, whether it be 2 weeks or 2 years.

To him, it's my doing. My fault. I have made him this way.

[Daniell85]

Step away from it. First for your own benefit. It usually takes me about a week of no contact with my ex boyfriend to calm down and start seeing things in a more realistic perspective.

Once your head is clearer, you can think on how you want to handle things.

He is working you so badly because he feels he is in control. You are giving him control by showing your grief and pain and by default asking for support. So he is projecting onto you and yes, he is very much enjoying having the power to try and force you to accept responsibility for the damage his actions have caused.

It a little game that does a lot of damage to the non... .if they don't catch on and put a stop to it. I know how badly it can mess you up. I have been there so many times, it is really hard not to feed into it.

But. It's a bunch of nonsense on the part of the BPD. Take back your control. The fastest and most effective way to put a stop to it, is to not play the game. So step out of the arena.

Go dead quiet on him. Two weeks. Stop reaching out. He is coming in towards you, feeling overwhelmed fast and running off, blaming you.

YOU are NOT to blame. His BPD is to blame and his lack of willingness to self examine and look for healthier ways to live his life are to blame. It's the disease, it's him... .it's not your fault. Because you are you, and he is him. Two different people. One of who is in a deep state of mental illness.

Do you really want a mentally ill person mucking about in your feelings and mind. It's always going to be a bad outcome for YOU. So put up those boundaries and pull back those efforts to get something from him for now, because he is so caught up in the enjoyment of the power play and being able to hurt you that he doesn't care what he is doing to you.

He only gets to do it to you if you let him

I know it hurts. I have an ex who I loved dearly and the moment he smells blood in the water, the antics begin. I can't cope with him. Maybe another time I will be able to, but not anytime soon.

Protect your emotional and mental space right now, take a week, take a breather. Leave him to wallow in his little mud puddle of by himself. He will get bored with it pretty quickly without you there to hold under the water.

[rb08]

I have taken a step back,  left him well alone. Still no contact from either side.

I'm picking my things up tomorrow and I'm trying so hard to detach from this. Most of the time I'm okay and I'm more angry than anything else. But when the day is quiet, all I want is to just hear his voice. But I want to hate him. I'm driving myself crazy!

After reading your last message it's a lot clearer in my head that yes he's enjoying it. We had a joke about my want to go to the gym once, he made a comment about he didn't like what I was going to work on as he didn't feel in control... .He made it look like a joke at the time, but now I can see it wasn't.

I'm so angry that he manipulated me, got inside my head and played awful games with me.

He knew he was doing it, his reasoning was 'I mean everything I say and do, I just put a nasty spin on it so you listen'

That isn't fair.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a hard time, your advice is greatly appreciated