Ugh I need strength

[coworkerfriend]

After last week's episode and fall that my pwBPD had - we did spend some time talking.  He was mildly self aware of his behavior, which most of the time, he doesn't remember and he said it scared him.  I talked to him about increasing his therapy sessions.  He said he would think about it.

We had a good week.  He went to therapy on Friday.  He was pretty quiet about it but he did say they were going to begin to discuss his family and growing up to see if they can work on some of his issues with guilt and self loathing.  He was pretty open about it and I just listened.  I learned that it is best if I don't ask questions - just let him tell me what he is comfortable with.  Friday and Saturday were nice and normal.

Sunday morning, his ex stopped by after church to drop something off.  Apparently she said to him he seems off and proceeded to start asking about therapy.  He said it was fine and she kept pushing.  Something triggered in him and he flipped out.  He drove to my house - walked into the kitchen - said I love you but this will never work.  I didn't say a word.  He said that he can't stand his life and is moving away.  I asked him what had happened and he told me about the ex.  He went off that all of us are the same and we control him and we have trapped him.  He started to rage and I started to leave the room.  He said don't run away and  turned around and left.  He called me in a rage a few times while he was driving home.  I answered the first call but not the others.  He texted that he was home and going to bed. I figured that was fine - let him sleep it off or whatever.  In the middle of the night, he texted that we are done and he is going back to the ex.

Monday, he didn't show up to work.  I texted good morning.  At noon, he texted back that he wasn't coming in at all this week.  I texted - what can I do to help?  He went off - I have done enough damage and ruined his life. He wants me to buy him out and he is moving away.  I didn't respond.  Monday night, I stopped at his house and brought dinner to him.  He immediately flipped out that I let him stay in bed all day and now he has crossed the edge.  He started to scream leave me alone.  I put on my coat and left.  He called me in the middle of the night - the phone startled me and I answered it.  He was yelling that I need to leave him alone - stop bothering him.  the call was less than 20 seconds and he hung up.  He called again and said I did it this time and I was going to be very sorry about what is going to happen next and hung up.  I felt very unsettled - I wanted to call or go to his house but I didn't.

I texted him good morning at 9am and I still haven't gotten a response.  I know that I have to stay away.  The other part of me is getting increasingly anxious about not hearing from him.  Crazy thoughts pop into my head - it is driving me to complete distraction.  I have been trying to work.  Trying not to worry.  I really want to go to his house and check on him. 

My biggest concern is that this behavior has been increasing to almost once a week now.  He had been doing well in therapy - for a few months he could go for a few weeks.  If he had a bad episode, it would last a day or two.  Now it is happening all the time, I am getting worn out.

I went back and read the lessons.  I am wondering if I am intermittingly rewarding him - by my responses.  If he goes off enough or stays away long enough - eventually I will respond.  It is sometimes so hard - it is against my nature not to help someone in need.  I think that is why he picked me - he has endless need and I can't stop helping.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[sweetheart]

Hi coworkerfriend,

For me the key to his increasing dysregualated behaviour over the last week is most likely his therapy. He told you that they are going to start looking at family history and relationships, and explore very sensitive issues for pwBPD around self-loathing and shame. This sounds like the trigger. These are big issues for anyone in therapy.

You did so well to just listen, not question or push any aspect of what he did in his T, unfortunately his ex undid all your good work and I believe caused the flood gates to open for him.

I think it's ok to pick up if he calls, if he starts to dysregulate you do as you have been doing and end the call. That is not intermittent reinforcement, as long as you do not engage when he is raging.

If you are really worried about him, there is nothing wrong with checking to see if things are ok. If you feel you want to go round and check then do this, but just remember your boundaries around dysregulated abusive behaviour. Perhaps letting him know that you are there to listen, care about him, tell him not though when he is raging at you.

The bit that you perhaps could do a bit more work on is that once you know he's ok then just leave him until he is able to calmly contact you.

I would be prepared for some more of this type of behaviour given the focus of his therapy.

It will be important that you remain emotionally grounded and consistent in your responses to him as this will protect both of you from further conflict.

Does he have any history of suicide attempts, self injurious behaviours of any kind?

Who is around that can support you at the moment?

If you are really concerned about him, and think contacting him directly doesn't feel right, and he has used language that suggests he might hurt himself then call the police and ask them to undertake a Welfare Check. This covers your concerns about him, but keeps you out of the dysfunctional dynamics if necessary.

Let us know how things are today if you can.