Silent treatment

[Yee Haw]

I've been in this relationship four years while married for the last three. I don't know if he has BPD, but he does have a couple characteristics along with controlled depression. I've been struggling to find reasons to stay married for the last few months, but I haven't discussed it with him yet because he just had surgery and dealing with the after effects. I don't think either of us are in a position to make good decisions right now. We moved across country this fall and my father died in December. I also tried to kill myself in December.

Yesterday was his breaking point with my dogs. He hates dogs, never spent any time with them as a kid, and doesn't understand their behavior nor want to. The 2 dogs were outside and barking at something again while he was taking a nap and he got furious. I shushed them and brought them back inside. Typical behavior from both sides. The silent treatment and avoidance started when he got up from his nap. He did respond once and said he was tired of the cold and his leg (he had surgery on) then left the room. Today was the same with silence and avoidance. I finally pushed for the real answer about an hour ago by sitting on the side of the tub and waiting, then sitting on the bed and waiting. Before stalking off to another bedroom and locking the door, he said he was tired of being less important than the dogs. I tried to reassure him that he wasn't, but he insisted that he was and used the example that I defended them when he tried to correct them.

He loves my cat and honestly her behavior isn't that different than the dogs. The cat and one dog have bad stomachs and occasionally vomit on the floor. The cat occasionally poops on the floor while one of the dogs would pee. All three beg for food - the dogs from their bed where he doesn't allow them to leave, the cat from right in your face. The dogs whine in the morning to go outside sometimes as early as 7 am which makes him angry. The cat jumps on the bed for attention around 3 am and he gets up to give her more food. His love for one and hatred for the others is irrational in my opinion.

So should I continue on with my daily activities and ignore his punishing behavior? I have a Tuesday appointment with my counselor and will certainly talk about it with her, but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. We'll be snowed in tomorrow. Sigh. I would appreciate any coping advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi YeeHaw

Welcome here!

The silent treatment sure sucks 

I ve been on the receiving end of those more times than I care to remember and actually am living one right now as I type.

The best approach is to go about your life as you usually would. Occasionnaly talk to him or give him messages. Don t get dragged into his bad coping mechanism by becoming angry yourself.

How do you feel when it happens; annoyed, scared, angry, panicked ... .?

As for the dogs and the cat. His opinion might very well be irrational but it s his opinon. He s entitled to it, and although it doesn t make sense, I wouldn t challenge him on it. I has nothing to do with logic and everything to do with feelings.

[Yee Haw]

Thank you for your response. That's pretty way the day went yesterday. He got up and ignored my "good morning" so I went on cleaning the kitchen and prepared scrambled eggs for my lunch. I enter. ed the living room and he exited into the kitchen. He groused that the dogs were taken care of, but he wasn't - I had given them a pb treat. I explained that since he wasn't talking to me I didn't ask him if he wanted eggs plus last time I made them he complained. The dogs get treated better than him, I didn't take care of him good enough after his surgery, then a really nasty personal attack which made me cry. I went upstairs to cry, then I got angry thinking about how exhausted I was running all over the house for every little request me made while he was laid up recovering. I did some more housework upstairs to cool down then went back downstairs to see him. He was sitting on the sofa looking pretty pathetic and I told him if he wanted to divorce me to call a lawyer because I was tired. He didn't want to divorce and was tired of fighting the same fight all the time too. I told him we had to go to couples counseling and he agreed if only to give his side of the story. He said we were kinda stuck needing each other which rankled me a bit, but I went into the kitchen to start dinner and slam doors before coming back out and telling him through gritted teeth that I didn't F-ing need him. I wanted him in my life, but I didn't need him. He didn't like that but at least he was quiet and didn't offer any more attacks.

I have a pre-set counseling appointment for myself this afternoon and plan to set up something up for the two of us with another counselor. I'll try to get a male so DH won't be able to complain of bias for being my personal counselor or female. Something's gotta give.

[Cmjo]

You have been so patient and tolerant in face of it all. I think nons especially women get the same issue regarding defending the children and putting them first before the BPD. Its classic deregulating and grabbing for a weapn to use to blame everyone close to them for turning them into the victim. So its you and your dogs "ganging up" on him. Im sorry it made you cry. You know how much you do for him and its not appreciated, in times like this they have selective memories. Keep calm, get on with life and have some fun, no its not an ideal relationship, but in a few days he will be back to normal and even might pretend nothing happened, or deny it... .you seem to be trying everything you can and trying to understand why.