I am apprehensive to totally speak how I feel or how I view things

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My wife goes to MC by herself tomorrow. Then we go together hopefully early next week.

She has been "out of commission" for over a week now. She basically does not have a life.

I asked God yesterday morning to give me a renewed strength just to get me through everything because the black cloud was hanging over me. I am thinking pretty clearly right now.

There is a black cloud hanging over my wife, I can't remove that for her. I cannot ( even though I do to a degree because we are married) let my self esteem get low because of how my wife views me, If I am doing what is right according to what I believe is right.

overview: there has been a situation created over the past three years that basically has put me as the one doing 99% of the errand running and many other things. I would faint if she called me up and told me she got up and went and picked up prescriptions, went to the grocery store and bought enough food for the week, cleaned the upstairs... .just normal functional things. She cannot deal with being by herself and doing these things. She stays depressed most of the time because of her son and his condition. he is paranoid schiz. It's sad really.

I need some advice on how to deal with a specific type of situation that occurs.

My wife has a weight problem. It goes deeper than a weight problem. We will discuss together how she plans on losing weight I tell her I will support you anyway that I can. Willing to even go on the diets with her just to be a support to her ( don't know if that's right or wrong) I don't need to lose weight.

She is in bad health. Triglicerides through the roof, over 400. She has a liver issue where so the drs took her off of statins because the statins were causing liver enzymes to shoot up.

Bottom line she is not taking care of herself. She has a hairline fracture in her foot that has been there for probably over a year. She will not heal that. She has gone through 3 different boots, the one she has now is good and she will not wear it.

her weight, bad health affect every fiber of her life and mine.

She is signed up with weight watchers. she has been to one meeting almost 2 months ago. They take the payment out of the checking account every month. I don't mind if she is going to do it. She says she will but she doesn't. I have offered to sit down with her an try to help with the whole points thing, she said its confusing... I go to the store the other day and buy her some of the WW meals and I said use these to get started and then in the meantime lets work on figuring out the points system. She was appreciative. She ate all the meals but never did anything else and now she is eating bad again.

I am out last night and she asks me to get her some items from Taco bell ( i did). I stopped at the grocery store to get a few items and got a text asking" do we need any vanilla ice cream?)  I contemplated... .texted back no.

I would have felt real resentment if I would have said yes and got it. I was not thrilled about picking up the fast food either.

The other night she asked me to bring her home 3 bags of gummy lifesavers ( I was pissed inside but I did it to avoid conflict)

I need to establish some boundaries around me doing and getting for her. I am getting resentful. If her weight did not pose a health issue and she was able to live a functional life with me her weight would not matter to me. I am guessing she is 50-60 pounds overweight. I have been with her for 5 years and I have family of mine she will not go around because of her weight. She is a very pretty woman. She will not have sex with me because of her weight, more reasons than that. It's like her weight is a wall she uses to keep people out. 

[byfaith]

My wife goes to MC by herself tomorrow. Then we go together hopefully early next week.

She has been "out of commission" for over a week now. She basically does not have a life.

I asked God yesterday morning to give me a renewed strength just to get me through everything because the black cloud was hanging over me. I am thinking pretty clearly right now.

There is a black cloud hanging over my wife, I can't remove that for her. I cannot ( even though I do to a degree because we are married) let my self esteem get low because of how my wife views me, If I am doing what is right according to what I believe is right.

overview: there has been a situation created over the past three years that basically has put me as the one doing 99% of the errand running and many other things. I would faint if she called me up and told me she got up and went and picked up prescriptions, went to the grocery store and bought enough food for the week, cleaned the upstairs... .just normal functional things. She cannot deal with being by herself and doing these things. She stays depressed most of the time because of her son and his condition. he is paranoid schiz. It's sad really.

I need some advice on how to deal with a specific type of situation that occurs.

My wife has a weight problem. It goes deeper than a weight problem. We will discuss together how she plans on losing weight I tell her I will support you anyway that I can. Willing to even go on the diets with her just to be a support to her ( don't know if that's right or wrong) I don't need to lose weight.

She is in bad health. Triglicerides through the roof, over 400. She has a liver issue where so the drs took her off of statins because the statins were causing liver enzymes to shoot up.

Bottom line she is not taking care of herself. She has a hairline fracture in her foot that has been there for probably over a year. She will not heal that. She has gone through 3 different boots, the one she has now is good and she will not wear it.

her weight, bad health affect every fiber of her life and mine.

She is signed up with weight watchers. she has been to one meeting almost 2 months ago. They take the payment out of the checking account every month. I don't mind if she is going to do it. She says she will but she doesn't. I have offered to sit down with her an try to help with the whole points thing, she said its confusing... I go to the store the other day and buy her some of the WW meals and I said use these to get started and then in the meantime lets work on figuring out the points system. She was appreciative. She ate all the meals but never did anything else and now she is eating bad again.

I am out last night and she asks me to get her some items from Taco bell ( i did). I stopped at the grocery store to get a few items and got a text asking" do we need any vanilla ice cream?)  I contemplated... .texted back no.

I would have felt real resentment if I would have said yes and got it. I was not thrilled about picking up the fast food either.

The other night she asked me to bring her home 3 bags of gummy lifesavers ( I was pissed inside but I did it to avoid conflict)

I need to establish some boundaries around me doing and getting for her. I am getting resentful. If her weight did not pose a health issue and she was able to live a functional life with me her weight would not matter to me. I am guessing she is 50-60 pounds overweight. I have been with her for 5 years and I have family of mine she will not go around because of her weight. She is a very pretty woman. She will not have sex with me because of her weight, more reasons than that. It's like her weight is a wall she uses to keep people out. 

[byfaith]

in reference to my topic... .I am afraid to tell her how I see what is going on and how it makes me feel. How do I create boundaries for this and validate her when she attacks me.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if it is possible to tell her how you feel, but I think you can establish a boundary with this. First of all, you know that weight as appearance is a touchy subject, even for women who are not overweight. I joke that the only right answer to the question " honey, does this dress make me look fat" " Is NO, no matter if your wife is a size 2 or 22. This is because, our weight can fluctuate, childbirth, hormones, and we need to know that our partners love us regardless.

However, you are in a different area with your wife because her weight is affecting her health. Not commenting on her appearance is probably a good idea if you want a happy relationship, but where enabling poor health is concerned, you have every right to not enable it. In fact, you should not enable it. It may be loving to tell your wife that you think she is attractive no matter what size, but it is not loving to enable her to damage her health.

When do you set the boundary? Not when she asks you to bring her gummy bears. You sit down with her at another time and tell her that you love her, and are concerned for her health and that you are not going to buy her unhealthy food. Yes, she may get mad, whatever, but you are acting in a loving way by not enabling her to damage her health. Yes, she may pitch a fit. Like a toddler. She may also test you, and ask for gummy bears when you are out, but once you have said your boundary, you don't have to discuss it beyond a reminder" I love you too much to do this, so, no I will not"

But if you told your toddler he could not have chocolate for dinner, and he had a temper tantrum, would you give him the chocolate? No, because you know it is not good for him to eat candy for dinner and you are acting in a loving way even though he is pitching a fit.

There is another part of this though- an important part- If you gave the child candy for dinner, you would be violating your value system, a boundary about you, that says- good people don't act in ways that harm others. This is why you don't agree to buy beer for an underage teen, or lie to cover up for someone. It doesn't just enable them, it violates who you are.

And this is why you feel so icky when you buy the gummy bears. You are selling yourself out to buy a moment of peace, but it isn't peace when you are an accomplice to your wife's self harm. In this light, the boundary has less to do with her than with you. You are worth standing up for.

[byfaith]

Notwendy,

This is where it gets complicated for me. I have no problem a time here or a time there getting her something like the gummies or some vanilla yogurt. Somethings can be done in moderation and be ok. Part of her consumption issue revolves around depression etc. One bag of gummies may not have made me feel so icky  . I knew she was going to take care of all three bags in the matter of a few hours.

The request for vanilla yogurt... I would probably eat about 3 scoops out of it and then she would eat the rest in a couple of sittings. If I knew she would consume in moderation, I would not get so irritated at the request.

The other part of the equation for me is her being so sedentary. That is her choice and yes it bothers me greatly because it affects our relationship. Eating some frozen yogurt and being more active= OK   A whole lot of frozen yogurt and sitting in a recliner 4-5 hours a day = Not OK   she is not even taking her cholesterol medication, which is an alternative to the statins but you have to be even more conscious about how you eat

Am I making sense or am I trying to aim at too many things? 

[byfaith]

I want to clarify that this issue is just one example of the many different layered problems we have.

On these boards I have not even mentioned yet the anonymous letter that my wife sent to my mom over two years ago. This relationship has caused me a lot of pain on so many levels that I have not discussed yet. I have lied for my wife, only because I know my mom would never forgive her and it would be broadcast to the world.  I am figuring all this will be discussed in MC.

I know I mention this quite a bit but emotionally the no sexual intimacy marriage is taking its toll on me. Everything is snowballing for me and going to MC I wish would have come sooner but better late than never

[Notwendy]

I get what you are saying but when you compound multiple issues it gets complicated. Taking out one - like not buying unhealthy foods is taking one one task at a time, and not complicating it. While there is more to the issues, taking on tasks one step at a time is sometimes easier than all at once.

I get that moderation is a good thing, but food can be addictive. It may be too much to ask of her. Many people might not have an issue getting their partner a glass of wine, but if that partner is an alcoholic the boundary has to be no, I will not get you one glass of wine.

You may also be asking too much of her. She has more than one illness. She may not be able to do moderation. You also don't have to be the one to get her the sweets. She can order them online if she wants. Her eating is out of your control, but you can decide not to enable it.

You have a lot of moving parts here- the weight, intimacy, but looking to address all at once is hard to start making boundaries and sometimes these things are easier to in separate steps.

[formflier]

Don't rush things.  Pick some smaller issues to discuss and gain victories over. 

Focus on listening and understanding. 

"help me understand" is a favorite of mine. 

MC is a marathon, not a sprint.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

My wife fought with her weight, and her body image the whole time we were married. She is prone to emotional eating, and has both healthy and unhealthy eating habits. She is probably more overweight than your wife, but also (relatively) healthy.

We spent a LOT of time in our marriage where I tried to "help" her deal with her eating issues. It was very easy for me to see when she was starting to lose control and was denying that she was doing it. I tried to gently and supportively call her on it. There were several times that we actually tried to work together as a team to help her eat more healthily and less compulsively.

I *FINALLY* hit a point of realizing that anything I did to "help" her deal with these issues was actually working against her--if she was going to succeed, she needed to figure it out on her own for herself, and even if I got her eating better, it wasn't real, wasn't stable, and would have a bad rebound, and meanwhile the two of us would be fighting more.

... .that said, there is a level here you can take, especially since she won't even leave the house to do errands for herself... .

You can refuse to enable her. You can choose not to buy gummy worms or ice cream, or fast food you find terrible and bring it into the house. (Just like you wouldn't buy gin for an alcoholic)

When YOU buy food and beverages, buy ones that are healthy enough that you are willing to eat them and have them in the house. When YOU cook a meal, you can cook healthy food.

If she wants to eat ice cream and gummy worms, she can go out and buy them for herself. You can't stop her and shouldn't try, and won't do any good by telling her it is a bad idea. She already knows that what she is doing isn't healthy, or if having heard it 13,467 times already, isn't going to slap her head and say "Oh, now I get it!" upon hearing it from you the 13,468th time. Ignorance is NOT why she's doing this.

The request for vanilla yogurt... I would probably eat about 3 scoops out of it and then she would eat the rest in a couple of sittings. If I knew she would consume in moderation, I would not get so irritated at the request.

She cannot consume in moderation. Accept this. You cannot make her. Accept this too.

You have to make a hard and fast boundary about bringing food into the house. Some things are too unhealthy for you to provide. Others you will provide. Perhaps you only buy the yogurt once a week, and accept that you have to live without it for five days. Perhaps you stop buying it. Perhaps you buy it regularly, and she eats it as fast as she chooses.

Believe me... .I have lived the exact same toxic stew of a control battle with my wife... .and the best you can do is back away, and let her do as well or badly as she will. She may self-destruct and kill herself with diabetes. It is incredibly sad to watch that kind of thing. All I can say is that thinking you can change it/stop it/control it is even worse than watching it.