His therapist said to have no communication

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex pwBPD asked to talk to me this morning when I got into work. I said if not about us. He said he wanted to talk to me about things he discussed with his therapist, I said as long as not about us.

So he told me his therapist recommended going into hospital (b/c suicidal) R said no, therapist recommended out patient program, R said no. So his therapist recommended he and I not communicate. I was like WOW! At first thought R was saying bad stuff about me, but R said no, this is b/c of him. He gets disappointed every day b/c when I don't email or text or what not he takes it as rejection, even though he "knows" that's not what it means, it's how it feels to him. So, we are having as little contact as possible. If ANY talking it's only about work, and brief even if then.

Wondering has anyone had their ex pwBPD be the one to suggest "NC/LC"? Wondering what to expect... .

[apepper21]

My ex pwBPD asked to talk to me this morning when I got into work. I said if not about us. He said he wanted to talk to me about things he discussed with his therapist, I said as long as not about us.

So he told me his therapist recommended going into hospital (b/c suicidal) R said no, therapist recommended out patient program, R said no. So his therapist recommended he and I not communicate. I was like WOW! At first thought R was saying bad stuff about me, but R said no, this is b/c of him. He gets disappointed every day b/c when I don't email or text or what not he takes it as rejection, even though he "knows" that's not what it means, it's how it feels to him. So, we are having as little contact as possible. If ANY talking it's only about work, and brief even if then.

Wondering has anyone had their ex pwBPD be the one to suggest "NC/LC"? Wondering what to expect... .

[C.Stein]

Don't expect anything.  It is time for you to take care of your own house and let him take care of his.   

[apepper21]

Don't expect anything.  It is time for you to take care of your own house and let him take care of his.   

I know! Man, this is so weird. I KNOW it's good and what I've wanted/needed and in the BEST way possible, HIM doing it b/c his THERAPIST recommended it!

Going to distract and keep busy.

thanks so much for writing back!

[thisworld]

What a nice development

But I agree with C.Stein in terms of approaching it with caution. Some pwBPD - though not all- seem to be triangulating with therapists. Like, imagine how this would affect you if you were at a different stage of your individual detachment and healing. Maybe you would feel triggered by this, get angry or sad because of this suggestion and the rejection it may have implied for you. If that's the purpose here, this behaviour may not be long lasting.

Again, isn't the important thing your own boundaries here? Maybe he sticks to this, maybe he changes his mind. What would your boundary be if he opts for the latter? (Because maybe, if you go NC now but then change it when he wants to, it may give him the message that you are ready to go along with his choices in this sense. There is no harm in it on its own but I think it would be beneficial to think about this in terms of your own wellbeing, where you are in your own detachment and healing process and then find something that would make you comfortable no matter how often he changes his mind.)

Best,

[Lonely_Astro]

Didn't you force NC/LC to start with?  Now, all of a sudden, his therapist told him not to have any contact with you and he felt the need to tell you that?  Hmmmmm, sounds sketchy to me.

J gave me conflicting statements that her therapist had told her to do with me.  What I mean is one day her T told her we were unhealthy for each other and she needed to stop interacting with me and the next session she went to (in the same week), her T told her that I was an understanding, compassionate guy who seemed dedicated to having a r/s with her.  I don't believe her T ever knew I existed. I say that because each week, her T's 'view' of me seemed to switch.  Plus, toward the end, I asked J if I could go with her for a couples session to help save our failing r/s... .J outright said no. I even suggested going to a different T for us (while she stayed in DBT with "her" T), but again J outright refused (those conversations led to mini arguments).

Everything, it seems, is a power play with a BPD.  Maybe his T did say not to have contact.  So why did he have to tell you that?  Wasn't that, in itself, a violation of his T's suggestion? Instead, he comes to you to tell you he's not going to have contact.  And he had a conversation about you two, even when you told him you would talk as long as it wasn't about "us", but it was about "us". He, at the very least, stretched a boundary you set up.

Let me play Devils Advocate for a moment.  What if it's merely a power play?  I mean, you wounded him by saying you wanted to be NC/LC, all of a sudden he pops up and says "oh, yeah?  Well my T told me that I shouldn't have any contact with you so I'm not gonna.  Nah nah nah boo boo."  He seems to be trying to take the "power" back by saying he's not going to have contact with you (and thus hurting you because you've been rebellious to him), even after it was you who started nc for your own healing.  Hopefully I've gotten my point across with all that.

You're on the right path, pepper. Don't let his childish "I'm taking my toys and going home" (even though you told him to take his toys home first) attitude derail your healing and well being. They only have power if you give it to them, just like the boogie man.  They are emotionally stunted "toddlers" that will stop at nothing to get their way... .fabricated in their heads or not.

[apepper21]

Didn't you force NC/LC to start with?  Now, all of a sudden, his therapist told him not to have any contact with you and he felt the need to tell you that?  Hmmmmm, sounds sketchy to me.

J gave me conflicting statements that her therapist had told her to do with me.  What I mean is one day her T told her we were unhealthy for each other and she needed to stop interacting with me and the next session she went to (in the same week), her T told her that I was an understanding, compassionate guy who seemed dedicated to having a r/s with her.  I don't believe her T ever knew I existed. I say that because each week, her T's 'view' of me seemed to switch. 

Everything, it seems, is a power play with a BPD.  Maybe his T did say not to have contact.  So why did he have to tell you that?  Wasn't that, in itself, a violation of his T's suggestion? Instead, he comes to you to tell you he's not going to have contact.  And he had a conversation about you two, even when you told him you would talk as long as it wasn't about "us", but it was about "us". He, at the very least, stretched a boundary you set up.

Let me play Devils Advocate for a moment.  What if it's merely a power play?  I mean, you wounded him by saying you wanted to be NC/LC, all of a sudden he pops up and says "oh, yeah?  Well my T told me that I shouldn't have any contact with you so I'm not gonna.  Nah nah nah boo boo."  He seems to be trying to take the "power" back by saying he's not going to have contact with you (and thus hurting you because you've been rebellious to him), even after it was you who started nc for your own healing.  Hopefully I've gotten my point across with all that.

You're on the right path, pepper. Don't let his childish "I'm taking my toys and going home" (even though you told him to take his toys home first) attitude derail your healing and well being. They only have power if you give it to them, just like the boogie man.  They are emotionally stunted "toddlers" that will stop at nothing to get their way... .fabricated in their heads or not.

Thanks! That is exactly what I'm afraid of, that this is a power play. Just for the record, I never actually SAID NC/LC, but have been trying to minimize it. Not sure if that's different.

I do believe his therapist might have said this, I don't know. I also don't know if R is saying this to see what my reaction is, to see if I'll stick to it and then hold that against me as me not caring.

I DO need to get firm in my belief about this, b/c it is VERY hard for me to stay firm in this. Part of me is like, YES I want to have contact, I will be validated, he didn't forget me, still values me, still "needs" me. BUT I KNOW that none of that is true. He just needs the ENERGY he gets from  me. He is an energy vampire. That what BPDs do, they suck any energy you give them.

He seems rational and logical right now (yesterday) but who knows when that will change. In the meantime I need to get solid in MY position. I am staying away from him as much as I can. When I thought we could communicate in a reasonable way I let my guard down and would go into the same room as him, and now I need to avoid that, even if inconvenient, and even if I think it will be ok. B/c all it does is provokes him and me.

I am keeping it in front of my head that this is likely a power play, manipulation or at least will become one soon... .

[apepper21]

What a nice development

But I agree with C.Stein in terms of approaching it with caution. Some pwBPD - though not all- seem to be triangulating with therapists. Like, imagine how this would affect you if you were at a different stage of your individual detachment and healing. Maybe you would feel triggered by this, get angry or sad because of this suggestion and the rejection it may have implied for you. If that's the purpose here, this behaviour may not be long lasting.

Again, isn't the important thing your own boundaries here? Maybe he sticks to this, maybe he changes his mind. What would your boundary be if he opts for the latter? (Because maybe, if you go NC now but then change it when he wants to, it may give him the message that you are ready to go along with his choices in this sense. There is no harm in it on its own but I think it would be beneficial to think about this in terms of your own wellbeing, where you are in your own detachment and healing process and then find something that would make you comfortable no matter how often he changes his mind.)

Best,

Yes, my boundaries are what are shaky right now. Well STICKING to them is shaky.

I don't quite know what you mean by triangulation with the therapist. You mean if I wasn't feeling so insightful about that this IS good, and wasn't able to say to myself, yes this feels like rejection, but it's actually what I want but couldn't stick to myself, then I would get triggered and he would be using his therapist as the "bad guy" here?

[Sunfl0wer]

Yea, I would have a hard time believing that the therapist wanted him in the hospital for being suicidal and also allowed him to walk out of the session without being baker acted to hospital.  Maybe the therapist suggested it for another reason... .or some other interpretation of what T said.

[thisworld]

What a nice development

But I agree with C.Stein in terms of approaching it with caution. Some pwBPD - though not all- seem to be triangulating with therapists. Like, imagine how this would affect you if you were at a different stage of your individual detachment and healing. Maybe you would feel triggered by this, get angry or sad because of this suggestion and the rejection it may have implied for you. If that's the purpose here, this behaviour may not be long lasting.

Again, isn't the important thing your own boundaries here? Maybe he sticks to this, maybe he changes his mind. What would your boundary be if he opts for the latter? (Because maybe, if you go NC now but then change it when he wants to, it may give him the message that you are ready to go along with his choices in this sense. There is no harm in it on its own but I think it would be beneficial to think about this in terms of your own wellbeing, where you are in your own detachment and healing process and then find something that would make you comfortable no matter how often he changes his mind.)

Best,

Yes, my boundaries are what are shaky right now. Well STICKING to them is shaky.

I don't quite know what you mean by triangulation with the therapist. You mean if I wasn't feeling so insightful about that this IS good, and wasn't able to say to myself, yes this feels like rejection, but it's actually what I want but couldn't stick to myself, then I would get triggered and he would be using his therapist as the "bad guy" here?

Apepper21 hi,

Triangulation in the most accurate sense is a dynamic that exists in human relationships, not necessarily only with pwBPD. It is also an efficient way of releasing tension in relationships as described in this thread, particularly by Skip. (The link there to Karpman drama triangle is also helpful in a lot of senses.)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0


In my relationship with my ex with BPD and mother with NPD I find myself in triangles where they kind drop a hint that there is a third party in what I think is a private dynamic. I don't have access to this third party but their communication involves me. And I'm given certain hints about this. When my ex did this with his ex, he felt like he was the victim, I was the persecutor and the ex was the rescuer. I felt like I was the victim. If I'm emotionally attached and still in the triangle, this creates unhealthy reactions (n my behalf) that mean more control for the pwBPD. The solution is to step out of this.

My mother does this with a T. For instance, she once consulted a T because she felt very anxious. Nice and responsible as it sounds, she came home to drop the information that her T thinks I should have overcome blah, blah, blah at this ripe age of mine:)) (So, is her anxiety my fault etc etc) Here if I react to this therapist ("what an unfair person!" etc) I'm emotionally in the drama she creates. If I go like "well, my T on the contrary thinks... ." I'm countering her triangle with my triangle and she freaks out about what I may have told to my therapist, again the drama starts. If I protect my boundary and not get involved (not step in the triangle), I'm free of drama.

If you had, say at a different stage in your recovery, reacted to this "My T says... ." differently (for instance: thoughts like "Am I so bad that he shouldn't communicate with me", "What did he tell the T about me, did he describe things realistically or am I the bad person here" etc and acted on those, you'd be in the triangle that would answer the pwBPDs emotional needs.

I'm not saying that this is definitely the reason why he said what he said to you. But yes, triangulation is possible with everyone and that involves Ts. What matters is that you stay out of any zone that causes a strong emotional reaction and action in you that would go against your own healing purposes. That's where boundaries help us. Because you are working in the same place, boundary adjustments may be necessary from time to time perhaps but working on emotional detachment always helps. Soon, you start falling for the same less and less.

Best,

[Lonely_Astro]

Didn't you force NC/LC to start with?  Now, all of a sudden, his therapist told him not to have any contact with you and he felt the need to tell you that?  Hmmmmm, sounds sketchy to me.

J gave me conflicting statements that her therapist had told her to do with me.  What I mean is one day her T told her we were unhealthy for each other and she needed to stop interacting with me and the next session she went to (in the same week), her T told her that I was an understanding, compassionate guy who seemed dedicated to having a r/s with her.  I don't believe her T ever knew I existed. I say that because each week, her T's 'view' of me seemed to switch. 

Everything, it seems, is a power play with a BPD.  Maybe his T did say not to have contact.  So why did he have to tell you that?  Wasn't that, in itself, a violation of his T's suggestion? Instead, he comes to you to tell you he's not going to have contact.  And he had a conversation about you two, even when you told him you would talk as long as it wasn't about "us", but it was about "us". He, at the very least, stretched a boundary you set up.

Let me play Devils Advocate for a moment.  What if it's merely a power play?  I mean, you wounded him by saying you wanted to be NC/LC, all of a sudden he pops up and says "oh, yeah?  Well my T told me that I shouldn't have any contact with you so I'm not gonna.  Nah nah nah boo boo."  He seems to be trying to take the "power" back by saying he's not going to have contact with you (and thus hurting you because you've been rebellious to him), even after it was you who started nc for your own healing.  Hopefully I've gotten my point across with all that.

You're on the right path, pepper. Don't let his childish "I'm taking my toys and going home" (even though you told him to take his toys home first) attitude derail your healing and well being. They only have power if you give it to them, just like the boogie man.  They are emotionally stunted "toddlers" that will stop at nothing to get their way... .fabricated in their heads or not.

Thanks! That is exactly what I'm afraid of, that this is a power play. Just for the record, I never actually SAID NC/LC, but have been trying to minimize it. Not sure if that's different.

I do believe his therapist might have said this, I don't know. I also don't know if R is saying this to see what my reaction is, to see if I'll stick to it and then hold that against me as me not caring.

I DO need to get firm in my belief about this, b/c it is VERY hard for me to stay firm in this. Part of me is like, YES I want to have contact, I will be validated, he didn't forget me, still values me, still "needs" me. BUT I KNOW that none of that is true. He just needs the ENERGY he gets from  me. He is an energy vampire. That what BPDs do, they suck any energy you give them.

He seems rational and logical right now (yesterday) but who knows when that will change. In the meantime I need to get solid in MY position. I am staying away from him as much as I can. When I thought we could communicate in a reasonable way I let my guard down and would go into the same room as him, and now I need to avoid that, even if inconvenient, and even if I think it will be ok. B/c all it does is provokes him and me.

I am keeping it in front of my head that this is likely a power play, manipulation or at least will become one soon... .

I think you don't have to tell them you're going lc/nc if you've made it clear the r/s is over.  After all, you don't have to keep beating a dead horse.  You've told him it was over and that's all you had to do.  While I understand, as an adult, when a r/s ends people want some sense of closure.  The problem in this situation is you aren't dealing with an adult.  He looks like one, sounds like one, sure... .but he doesn't 'feel' like one.  I used to wonder what was meant that they were like toddlers and now that my child is in the toddler era, I see it.  If I take a toy away from them because it's bedtime, they throw a fit.  J was the same way, except the "toy" was words/actions.  If I did something she didn't like (whether she told me she didn't like it or not), she threw a tantrum (internally) by sulking, huffing/puffing, or something else.  This, of course, also led to her giving me the silent treatment or other forms of abuse.

Do I personally think it's a power play?  Yes.  There was no other need to tell you about it. Really, it served no purpose to tell you he was going NC other than to invoke an emotional response from you.  Any (and I mean any!) stimulation from you (positive or negative) feeds them.  Good, bad, ugly... .doesn't matter, as long as they get a response from you.  Indifference is what hurts them the most.

For instance, this morning I was in a supply room with one of J's work BFF's.  I was talking to her about her sick child and getting supplies.  No big deal. J rounds the corner (first time I've seen her in almost a week - she took some time off because my replacements mommy is in town and she's such a dutiful gf and all) and there she is face to face with me.  What does she do?  She immediately shows panic on her face and flees. Doesn't say a word to either of us.  Why?  I have no idea. It's not my concern.  I don't acknowledge her, not out of childishness, but because I refuse to give my abuser any power over me. Speaking to her normally, to me, is the same as telling her I'm ok that she abused/used me like she did.  I'm not ok with that. It wasn't ok for her to do that to me.

Try not to focus on the reason why he told you what he has.  He isn't your responsibility. None of what he's thinking/feeling is.  Keep healing and stay away from him, you'll be better off for it.

[apepper21]

If you had, say at a different stage in your recovery, reacted to this "My T says... ." differently (for instance: thoughts like "Am I so bad that he shouldn't communicate with me", "What did he tell the T about me, did he describe things realistically or am I the bad person here" etc and acted on those, you'd be in the triangle that would answer the pwBPDs emotional needs.

I'm not saying that this is definitely the reason why he said what he said to you. But yes, triangulation is possible with everyone and that involves Ts. What matters is that you stay out of any zone that causes a strong emotional reaction and action in you that would go against your own healing purposes. That's where boundaries help us. Because you are working in the same place, boundary adjustments may be necessary from time to time perhaps but working on emotional detachment always helps. Soon, you start falling for the same less and less.

Best,

Welllllllll I DID have those reactions! I guess the good news is that I didn't fall as badly for it, however, he DID reassure it's not b/c of me, his therapist doesn't think I did something wrong. So who knows what my reaction would have been if he had not said that when I asked "Are you telling people all sorts of bad things about me?"

And he DEFINITELY triangulates with his separated wife, things she says or hes says to her and that gets me ALL anxious and engaged again. I have a LOT of work to do on this.

BIG SIGH... .

[apepper21]

I think you don't have to tell them you're going lc/nc if you've made it clear the r/s is over.  After all, you don't have to keep beating a dead horse.  You've told him it was over and that's all you had to do.  While I understand, as an adult, when a r/s ends people want some sense of closure.  The problem in this situation is you aren't dealing with an adult.  He looks like one, sounds like one, sure... .but he doesn't 'feel' like one.  I used to wonder what was meant that they were like toddlers and now that my child is in the toddler era, I see it.  If I take a toy away from them because it's bedtime, they throw a fit.  J was the same way, except the "toy" was words/actions.  If I did something she didn't like (whether she told me she didn't like it or not), she threw a tantrum (internally) by sulking, huffing/puffing, or something else.  This, of course, also led to her giving me the silent treatment or other forms of abuse.

Do I personally think it's a power play?  Yes.  There was no other need to tell you about it. Really, it served no purpose to tell you he was going NC other than to invoke an emotional response from you.  Any (and I mean any!) stimulation from you (positive or negative) feeds them.  Good, bad, ugly... .doesn't matter, as long as they get a response from you.  Indifference is what hurts them the most.

For instance, this morning I was in a supply room with one of J's work BFF's.  I was talking to her about her sick child and getting supplies.  No big deal. J rounds the corner (first time I've seen her in almost a week - she took some time off because my replacements mommy is in town and she's such a dutiful gf and all) and there she is face to face with me.  What does she do?  She immediately shows panic on her face and flees. Doesn't say a word to either of us.  Why?  I have no idea. It's not my concern.  I don't acknowledge her, not out of childishness, but because I refuse to give my abuser any power over me. Speaking to her normally, to me, is the same as telling her I'm ok that she abused/used me like she did.  I'm not ok with that. It wasn't ok for her to do that to me.

Try not to focus on the reason why he told you what he has.  He isn't your responsibility. None of what he's thinking/feeling is.  Keep healing and stay away from him, you'll be better off for it.

Ugh, I feel gross! And angry. I'm trying to not think about it, to let it slide off of me so as to not be attached, but I need to share.

So we have pay day lunch at work every other week. I didn't go so as not to see him, and we are doing this whole NC thing that HE initiated, meaning he proposed and agreed to. So I'm in my office and he comes in to look for some data that should be moved to his office since I'm not on the projects anymore. He KNOWs this provokes me and I was caught off guard and of course got teary.

He said he didn't really care about the data he just came to see me. i said doen't that defeat the whole point? He said yes, but it makes him feel a little better. I said it does? he said yes, not to talk about the relationship but to see me.

Then he stayed and talked for like 20 or more minutes. I don't know how to  ask him to leave (meaning I didn't have to courage to). And I'm soo mad that I cried! That is exactly what he wanted! Now I've "fed" him. However, when he told me about a Dr visit, and something about making dinner for his kids I stayed detached. I was just matter of fact kind of about it. but I still engaged and I STILL CRIED!

I'm trying to let go, b/c I think the more I feel bad about it, the more energy it feeds him, even if he doesn't know it.

I'm so angry at myself and him! I'm not able to say yet, please leave, but I had been doing a good job at avoiding him, I even came in this morning and left my door closed so it looked like I'm not here so he wouldn't think I was in, if he came by... .

[thisworld]

Apepper21, I feel for you. I can see how difficult it is to be exposed to this, to keep yourself together and to try to find a balance between your head and your heart.  

Please treat yourself with compassion. You don't have to be strong all the time. Sometimes we are weak, sometimes we show it and others understand whatever they do from it. And we think of all the ideas this may have put into their heads. But ultimately, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because you, as a human with free will, have choice. This means that no matter how much someone thinks you love them, need them etc, no matter how weak they think you are, and no matter how much you miss them and need them, you have the choice to do whatever you want. They are free to think whatever they want. Ultimately, it's your choice that matters. We may be madly in love, we may know this love is not good for us and we may choose to bury our head under our pillow, throw our mobile phone out the window or whatever we see apt instead of acting on what the heart wants. This may be very difficult to do sometimes but ultimately, between our desires and actions, there is something called choice. If you own your choice, nothing else matters and nothing can get to you. Boundaries that choice brings always protect you.

This also brings us to the strength of saying "so what?". Yes, you cried and this gave him the feeling that he still has some power over you. So what? You still have the choice to act in accord with something else - to detach despite that power. He may turn to you and say "I know you're still in love with me." So what? You can still choose to refuse a relationship with him. It's then up to him to decide what he wants to do with this "love" that you have chosen not to act upon. Your free will as an individual allows you a variety of choices and actions; love is not the only criterion.

Basically, you cried. So what? Let go. He can interpret this the way he likes. Ultimately, what matters is  what you do. And you are free to go back to your detachment and say "so what?" to any explanation he may have about your behaviour. You are apepper21, you choose what you want to do whether you have cried or not. So what?

This isn't like a power fight where one goes "I don't love you" and the other goes "I don't love you, either, ha!" Yes, he may remain calm and you may cry. So what? You can still choose what you want to do and don't have to explain anything to anyone. And he can understand whatever he likes from it. As you detach, this will not matter at all. "Yes, I was fragile that day, I cried but I'm sticking with my own decisions. I can do that despite my tears. So what?"

You can treat yourself with compassion, forgive yourself if you are mad with yourself and move on.

Stay strong

 

 

[Lonely_Astro]

It's not easy, pepper.  Working with them is tough.  You have to still see them and interact with them, all the while forcing yourself to let go of the fantasy that is them.  J has been walking up and down the hall a lot today, each time it's like a paper cut to me. It hurts to see her each time.  I miss her, the her I thought she was at least, but I counter that with all the bad stuff she did to me. That doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I know J loved me to the best of her ability, when I meant something to her.  That's the struggle. At some point, I began to mean less and less to her yet she kept me around "just in case". Nothing prevents her from attempting to speak to me, so she does me a favor by being silent.  I want to awknowledge her every time.  I want to call her a fake and a fraud, then I want to hug her. I want to do those things because of my internal struggles and issues. "My" J is dead. Sure, she may be in the J I see, somewhere, but she isn't "my" J anymore.

Don't feel ashamed for crying. Don't feel ashamed of those feelings.  He was (and is) special to you. I will be the first to admit that I still love J and wish all the time we would've made it.  I miss her every day, even though I know she's a fake and a fraud.  I want to feel close to her again... .that's my addiction talking.  I know it is, which is why I won't give in and try to get a fix from her.  Each day that passes, I feel a little better.  When I get the urge to reach out to her, I go somewhere and I tell her how I feel about all the vile stuff she did to me all the while telling me how much she loved me and wanted a life with me.  Of course, I'm alone when I do this.  She'll never hear the words I've said or written about all this. She'll never know MY struggle.  Even if she did, she wouldn't care... .only SHE matters. 

They're emotional black holes that you'll find yourself sucked into if you let them.  You see how much so when you become strong enough to resist.  Through resistance, I came to see just how "all about her" she really was.  Unlike her, I can be happy.  You will be too, in time.  One day you'll be strong enough that when he starts talking to you, you'll put your hand up and say "enough. Go away."  You're not there yet and that's ok.  Trust when I say, you'll get there sooner than you think.

[apepper21]

Thank you thank you thank you Lonely_Astro an thisworld!

Your words were are so helpful.

Just so you know (before I even read your notes, which is why it was so good to read, bc I was still feeling like I had "failed" I DID realize I had the choice to keep obsessing about what it meant that I cried, that I gave him time I wanted for ME and just about HIM period. I had a talk with myself and said, ok, I didn't behave how I wanted or want to. I can keep going down that road, or I can start over and not pay this attention to him for the rest of the day. So I refocused on work, and when I saw him later I didn't engage like I normally would. There WAS a work issue that I was upset about and he was trying to draw me in more and more to tell him more and more about how it effected me, etc. My tone and demeanor were different than I would normally be and I didn't focus on him as I normally would.

It was HARD and felt AWFUL, all I wanted to do was break down in his arms and cry.

Lonely_Astro, I'm sorry you have to deal with J at work as well. i TOTALLY know that feeling of wanting to say all of those things! Thank you for telling me:

"They're emotional black holes that you'll find yourself sucked into if you let them.  You see how much so when you become strong enough to resist.  Through resistance, I came to see just how "all about her" she really was.  Unlike her, I can be happy.  You will be too, in time.  One day you'll be strong enough that when he starts talking to you, you'll put your hand up and say "enough. Go away."  You're not there yet and that's ok.  Trust when I say, you'll get there sooner than you think. "

I'm going to print that out, b/c it reminds me that I AM making some progress in this direction. It's VERY hard to imagine I will ever be able to say "Go away" but I trust that you felt that same way at one point!

Thank you both and happy FRIDAY! Two days without having to see them!

[thisworld]

Just so you know (before I even read your notes, which is why it was so good to read, bc I was still feeling like I had "failed" I DID realize I had the choice to keep obsessing about what it meant that I cried, that I gave him time I wanted for ME and just about HIM period. I had a talk with myself and said, ok, I didn't behave how I wanted or want to. I can keep going down that road, or I can start over and not pay this attention to him for the rest of the day.

Hey apepper21, this is great!

This is lots of resilience and a good ability to bounce back after a stressful situation.  I think working on detachment improves these abilities in us.

Have a very nice weekend and take good care of yourself

[apepper21]

Hey apepper21, this is great!

This is lots of resilience and a good ability to bounce back after a stressful situation.  I think working on detachment improves these abilities in us.

Have a very nice weekend and take good care of yourself [/quote]
Thank you. When you say working on detachment, what specifically do you mean? Just the healing process in general, or do you mean specific things?

[thisworld]

I mean the healing process. Everything we do to take good care of ourselves

[apepper21]

I mean the healing process. Everything we do to take good care of ourselves

Thanks, I thought that's what you meant, but wanted to clarify!

Rough morning... .thanks for writing back!