Trying to help

[Parents! Get help here!]

My grown daughter who has had many BPD symptoms is becoming very volatile of late.  A former boyfriend sexually molested her while she was drunk and unable to resist and she has recently recalled the situation, and sent him packing.  She also has anxiety disorder.  Though she did what she had to do regarding her boyfriend, being without him is proving to be very difficult for her.  She has started lashing out emotionally at me.  Almost everything I do or say is WRONG and I am the worst mother ever!   While I understand that she is VENTING, I am at a loss to know what I should do.  She has started therapy again, and I am going to start as well.  She tells me on a nearly daily basis that I basically screwed her up and continue to do so.  SHe gets after me and scolds me like she is my freaking abusive boss or something.  It's so strange.  I can't use salt or oil when I cook or she has a meltdown.  I am constantly doing something wrong.  Like today I went shopping and then I picked her up from college.  On the way home I mentioned to her some of the items I bought that I thought would be of particular interest to her.  When we arrived home and started unloading the car, she saw items that I did not mention to her.  SHe started in on me.  "We don't need these things!  WHy did you get these items!  There's a lot of things here you didn't mention to me that you got!"  Practically yelling accusations at me.  I told her I didn't realize that I needed to tell her everything I bought and that I bought things I wanted to buy with my money and didn't feel the need to account to her.  She got really upset and stormed to her room yelling at me to stop harassing her.  I know she's upset.  I do not believe she is upset by my shopping.  She tries to hide the truth from me and just acts out instead.  I wish she could just be honest and not play all these mind games.  It's so bewildering and anxiety producing.  I never know when I'm going to hit a land-mine and set her off.  I have noticed that she acts the opposite of her truth.  She tries to get you to guess it.  ANd if you don't read her mind exactly right and or say or do the thing that she wants, then it means something bad like you do not validate or care for her and that she cannot trust you.  She has for many years been the quiet inwardly abusive BPD; now she is the lashing out angry one most of the time.  SHe did go through a phase like this when she was a teenager also.  What to do?  I feel she is trying to get me to validate her in some way, but that I do not have the code to do that.  It's very frustrating.  I think this is progress -- maybe -- because when you are angry at least you are not suicidal and sad.  At least she is lashing out at me and not at herself.  But where do we go from here? 

Like many others I see here, my daughter and I have opposite ways of dealing with emotion.  I am cerebral and keep a tight lid on my emotions, except when I am pushed beyond my tolerance level.  Then my lid comes off with a mighty eruption of pent-up pressure.  I am working on this and have been quite successful, but I still am one to see the happy side of things and to want peace, and she is one to see the negative side and to find something to be upset about.  She is disturbing to me and I am, no doubt, disturbing to her.  I am trying to find better ways to communicate that will make her feel validated rather than brushed aside or stifled.   It's something I really want to learn.  SOmetimes I think that she is just bafflingly ridiculous.  What I try to remember at these times is that what she seems to be making a big deal about is not the real reason she is upset.  Even though it seems like pandering to misbehaviour, I need to find some way to make her feel validated.

That's all for now.

[Justbehappy]

My grown daughter who has had many BPD symptoms is becoming very volatile of late.  A former boyfriend sexually molested her while she was drunk and unable to resist and she has recently recalled the situation, and sent him packing.  She also has anxiety disorder.  Though she did what she had to do regarding her boyfriend, being without him is proving to be very difficult for her.  She has started lashing out emotionally at me.  Almost everything I do or say is WRONG and I am the worst mother ever!   While I understand that she is VENTING, I am at a loss to know what I should do.  She has started therapy again, and I am going to start as well.  She tells me on a nearly daily basis that I basically screwed her up and continue to do so.  SHe gets after me and scolds me like she is my freaking abusive boss or something.  It's so strange.  I can't use salt or oil when I cook or she has a meltdown.  I am constantly doing something wrong.  Like today I went shopping and then I picked her up from college.  On the way home I mentioned to her some of the items I bought that I thought would be of particular interest to her.  When we arrived home and started unloading the car, she saw items that I did not mention to her.  SHe started in on me.  "We don't need these things!  WHy did you get these items!  There's a lot of things here you didn't mention to me that you got!"  Practically yelling accusations at me.  I told her I didn't realize that I needed to tell her everything I bought and that I bought things I wanted to buy with my money and didn't feel the need to account to her.  She got really upset and stormed to her room yelling at me to stop harassing her.  I know she's upset.  I do not believe she is upset by my shopping.  She tries to hide the truth from me and just acts out instead.  I wish she could just be honest and not play all these mind games.  It's so bewildering and anxiety producing.  I never know when I'm going to hit a land-mine and set her off.  I have noticed that she acts the opposite of her truth.  She tries to get you to guess it.  ANd if you don't read her mind exactly right and or say or do the thing that she wants, then it means something bad like you do not validate or care for her and that she cannot trust you.  She has for many years been the quiet inwardly abusive BPD; now she is the lashing out angry one most of the time.  SHe did go through a phase like this when she was a teenager also.  What to do?  I feel she is trying to get me to validate her in some way, but that I do not have the code to do that.  It's very frustrating.  I think this is progress -- maybe -- because when you are angry at least you are not suicidal and sad.  At least she is lashing out at me and not at herself.  But where do we go from here? 

Like many others I see here, my daughter and I have opposite ways of dealing with emotion.  I am cerebral and keep a tight lid on my emotions, except when I am pushed beyond my tolerance level.  Then my lid comes off with a mighty eruption of pent-up pressure.  I am working on this and have been quite successful, but I still am one to see the happy side of things and to want peace, and she is one to see the negative side and to find something to be upset about.  She is disturbing to me and I am, no doubt, disturbing to her.  I am trying to find better ways to communicate that will make her feel validated rather than brushed aside or stifled.   It's something I really want to learn.  SOmetimes I think that she is just bafflingly ridiculous.  What I try to remember at these times is that what she seems to be making a big deal about is not the real reason she is upset.  Even though it seems like pandering to misbehaviour, I need to find some way to make her feel validated.

That's all for now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bpd mother]

I am so sorry you are having these relationship problems with your daughter it must be so difficult. I have just typed out two replies and then deleted them both as I doubt myself and my judgment so much at the moment. I am going through something similar and I feel your pain .

Take care of yourself

[FeathersofHope]

Hello JustBeHappy  ,

I just wanted to reach out and tell you that, at present, I experience what you are relating with your daughter on an almost daily basis. It can be so draining and exhausting! I agree with you that usually what our BPDdd(s) are lashing out about is not what they are actually upset about. When my daughter was younger (she's now 20), I used to explain to teachers and other caring adults that she had a difficult time accurately expressing and dealing with emotional hurts. For example, if she was upset over a playground snub, she might cry and say that her pinky hurt.

I find that my daughter's episodes of lashing out are usually short-lived. If she seems disregulated and my attempts at "validating the valid" are falling upon deaf ears, or I sense that my emotional temperature is rising, I take a breath and, whenever possible, try to provide my daughter and myself with some space to get back into "wise mind." Sometimes easier said than done, I know!

Relationship issues have always been a trigger for my daughter, and your daughter is reeling from quite a traumatic event. When we are loving mothers trying our best to be a source of comfort and support, it can be so difficult to be the brunt of misplaced anger. All we can do is  try our best, read and re-read the tools on the right, and continue to reach out to one another for support and advice. Perhaps someone here will have some more concrete "tried and true" words for you to use... . 

[Giggy]

Dear Just be Happy,

What you wrote pretty much mirrors my life with my BPDson.  Can't do anything right... .

When you say:

" but I still am one to see the happy side of things and to want peace, and she is one to see the negative side and to find something to be upset about. ".

It totally describes us.  I want to help and find solutions, he wants to complain and is always looking for things to be wrong so he can complain and not work on bettering his life.

I so desire peace and calm.

Exhausting.    We'll get through it.  I am reading and working on things.

Take care.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Justbehappy,

We are glad you are here telling us your story and looking for support and answers.

It seems that you are validating and wanting to know where to go from there.  You want to problem solve and ease the heightened emotions for your daughter and yourself.  That may or may not be the result of validation.  Validation is merely conveying to the other person that they have been heard and you understand their feelings.  In your case it seems you don't understand her feelings and validation isn't accomplishing it's goal.

The next step in validation is to ask validating questions.  It's important to remember that the goal of asking validating questions is to gain information to understand.  Some validating questions can lead to problem solving as an additional benefit or it may not.  Here is a link to some info on asking validating questions:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

Feeling at a loss and bewildered as to what we can do to affect a positive change leaves us powerless which can also make us feel hopeless.  Having the proper skills can be empowering for us even when our children don't respond to them how/when we hope they will.  Being patient with self and our kids leaves room for  improvements.

lbj