No way back, but I'm hanging on

[Larmoyant]

I’m still in contact with my ex even though I ended it almost 2 months ago. It feels like I’m pulling the band-aid off slowly when it will probably hurt less if I just ripped it off. I don’t instigate any of it, and I've resisted all his attempts to meet up, but still open to his contact. I suspect it’s the last vestiges of hope. It’s all so painful and sad because there isn’t any way back.

Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and for a while I fell to pieces. I love her so much. Strangely enough though it’s brought out the strong side of me as I need to be there for her, help her because it isn’t over until it is. We spent the whole day together yesterday taking it all in, crying and even laughing. She is amazing. My ex has been sympathetic and for that I am grateful, but at the same time I’m very,very wary.

He rang this morning to ask about my mum. It was good to get some of it out, to have someone to talk with, but he’d been out the previous night and was hungover. This made me feel anxious and hurt wondering when and with whom he’d been. I didn’t ask and he didn’t say, but my hurt feelings prompted me to say that it was really time for us to part ways so I could focus on my mum and heal properly. We ended up re-hashing past hurts with him determined to blame me for everything or failing that use my therapist as a scapegoat for all the problems, including his rages and push/pull. I was soon back under water trying to breathe while he was holding me down screaming it’s your fault, accept it’s your fault and then we can get back together. Only I won’t stay down, and cannot allow this any more. I have to be strong now for my mum. I can’t slip back in denial and let him come and finish me off. I can’t, but I’m sitting here typing this and my heart is broken. I want someone to hold me and it’s going to have to be me.

He's gone to the beach with his dog and has wished me all the best for the future. I'm here wondering all the while if he's really gone this time because I suspect he hasn't. I don't understand what I'm doing, what I'm holding on for, and my beloved mum needs me.