First post

[cantcopenomore]

I am a patient man.  But I am about to the end of my rope.  I am in my second marriage and have been married now 20 years.  I am bright and smart, an accomplished professional or at least I feel that I am.  Over time I have lost all power and control.  I am afraid to make friends.  I am afraid to confide in any one.  My wife tells me constantly how miserable I have made her for 20 years, how I contribute nothing, and how I have dragged her down.  This is her third marriage.  I dont want to do it any more.  But now I am too tired and too depressed to change or start over.  And we have a precious young son who needs me.  I cannot ever say or do the right thing.  I can never be comforting enough, or reassuring enough, or agreeable enough.  Sometimes I feel like killing myself.  Nothing is ever stable or solid. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Hello Can,

This is your first post so let me be one of the first to say Welcome to the group!  By nature we are anonymous and because we are it should be easier to tell us things you wouldn't normally, so you can confide in the "Group" here.  Here you'll find no one to judge you ... .because in one way or another we have been or in some cases some are still where you're at in the relationship. Know that you're not alone in your frustration. I would encourage you to read the references at the top to begin your journey with what is BPD under the tab Personalty Disorders.  Then move on to the tool tab to learn some of the tools you'll need to manage a relationship with a s/o regardless of the direction it goes. I would also encourage you read the references to the right Under lessons ------------------------------------->> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

I would encourage you to seek out a really good therapist that knows about BPD so that you can work through your thoughts, feelings, emotions, anxiety & frustrations.  BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness that will continue to test your limits on all levels. I know that you're a very patient man being with someone who has BPD for 20 plus years and I really commend you for that. I know just how hard it's had to be over all those years and the toll it's taking on you ... .mind, body & soul. I know you're tired, mentally & physically exhausted and are looking for some help, some guidance ... .you're looking for a hand to help you up. You've come to the right place.

Borderline personality disorder is one of the most contentious of all the personality disorders. Evidence of structural and functional deficit in brain areas central to regulation, attention and self-control, and executive function have been described in BPD. Whatever your intention is you'll need to learn a whole new language of BPD such as gas lighting, splitting, painted black, painted white, triangulation, engulfment, abandonment, invalidation, deregulation, projection, shaming, triggering and the list goes on. The references to the right of the page can help you understand her behaviors and assist with all things BPD. I would also encourage you to read books like, "stop walking on eggshells", " I hate you ... .don't leave me" and "the Human Magnet Syndrome" ... .which you should be able to find at your local library or online.

You describe some of the basic behavior of BPD in your short post. You said, "  I cannot ever say or do the right thing.  I can never be comforting enough, or reassuring enough, or agreeable enough." & "Nothing is ever stable or solid."  I'm sure you've seen her rage, or throw temper tantrums like a 3 yr old toddler and if you look at past events of hers I imagine you can see similar behavior traits of a 3 yr old. That's common ... .you're going to have to remain the adult in the relationship.  Just as a 3 yr old will test your limits in the grocery store before you enforce your boundaries of "don't touch" so it will be the same with your BPDw. She feels as if she needs to be in control of any situation and if you step up and try to wrestle "control" from her then you will see the rage of a toddler unleash as you have hinted at. 

NOTHING about BPD has or WILL makes logical sense to you ... .or anyone of us for that matter.  But you'll learn all of that on your journey ... .it's why you should seek out a therapist with a lot of BPD experience to assist you on your journey ... .to guide you on your journey of self discovery. You can't change someone with BPD ... .but you can learn about yourself on your journey which is the most important part. 

Like most of those on this sight we've come to learn we are a codependent ... .we are the Knight in Amor protecting those who can't protect themselves. We are the Sheriff in the White hat riding in to save the day. We are the perfectionist who work so very hard to make things right so that we can live a happy life ... .because if everything is right with our BPD s/o ... .then there will be no reason to rage ... .there will be no reason for Mr. Hyde to come out.  The good news is ... .that once we're self aware of  our behavior we can learn and adjust it ... .to take care of ourselves and our needs. You'll learn about the 51% rule ... .it's ok to give of yourself to someone else ... .but you should keep 51% of your energy to making yourself happy in life. If your giving more the 51% of yourself in any relationship ... .eventually you'll run out of energy ... .you'll be tired ... .exhausted ... .you've given everything you have ... .mind, body & soul ... .and it's hard to recover from. From the sounds of things that's where you currently are ... .as promised ... .someone will be here to hold out a hand to help you up ... .and dust you off ... .straighten you up ... .now it's up to you to continue your journey ... .we can't and won't tell you what to do ... .but we will support you in whatever direction you want to go. 

Come back as often as you need too ... .but come back as much as you WANT too!  You're among friends ... .Cant.

JQ