Embrace the process of letting go

[hopealways]

As I enter my 8th month of NC I have days when I feel like I am truly and finally learning to let go. Not just of her but of everything that used to bother me, all the things I would purposely take hard on myself.  I have learned that I have resisted letting go, out of fear. Yes, I was afraid. I was afraid of the unknown, what would happen if I let go. I had no faith in myself or in the world and presumed the worse would always follow if I did not exert full control over the situation. This was the result of a childhood in a war zone at home with no feeling of safety and nobody to rely on where I had to create my own safety by becoming a perfectionist and overachieving in order to feel that I had something to fall back on.  I am beginning to appreciate the beauty in letting go and having faith in the path that the universe has lined up for me.

I always dreamed of getting to this place. Although I am not completely there I have glimmers of hope, subtle rushes of endorphins, which tell me that I am getting to that point of letting go of everything.  When I first created a profile on this site and chose the username "hopealways" the "hope" part was that my BPDx would return, miraculously cured, and we would live happily ever after.  Now the "hope" has absolutely nothing to do with her.  It is now hope that I will let go of everything that has kept me on edge and finally live a painless and happy life, realizing that I have worth within myself that requires nobody's validation.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hopealways, 

Think you're on to something.  Beautifully expressed and inspiring.  Keep up the good work!

LuckyJim

[Lifewriter16]

Hi hopealways

I want to celebrate with you just how far you have come in the last 8 months. What a turnabout in perspective you are describing.

The first anniversary of the recycles with my BPDxbf beginning is tomorrow. I kept going back for more and probably still would be if he hadn't decided that he'd had enough of the instability in our relationship (which of course was my fault as far as he was concerned). This time last year, I was in unbearable pain. Now, I do miss the idea of the happiness we had, but I no longer think that is achievable for us. I am no longer depressed or suffering from the dark night of the soul. I am doing new things and making new friends. But, I haven't quite let go. That's the next step for me too... .and I'm not quite sure how to do it. Imagine, no thinking about him because I'm bored or because I'm feeling a little miserable and need someone to distract me from my negative emotions. No thinking about him in bed to turn myself on. No sitting in coffee shops hoping to see him or wandering around looking for him. Instead, imagine having to focus upon myself... .I find the prospect less scary than I did, I'm preparing to let go, but I'm not quite there yet.

Love Lifewriter

[hopealways]

Hi hopealways

I want to celebrate with you just how far you have come in the last 8 months. What a turnabout in perspective you are describing.

The first anniversary of the recycles with my BPDxbf beginning is tomorrow. I kept going back for more and probably still would be if he hadn't decided that he'd had enough of the instability in our relationship (which of course was my fault as far as he was concerned). This time last year, I was in unbearable pain. Now, I do miss the idea of the happiness we had, but I no longer think that is achievable for us. I am no longer depressed or suffering from the dark night of the soul. I am doing new things and making new friends. But, I haven't quite let go. That's the next step for me too... .and I'm not quite sure how to do it. Imagine, no thinking about him because I'm bored or because I'm feeling a little miserable and need someone to distract me from my negative emotions. No thinking about him in bed to turn myself on. No sitting in coffee shops hoping to see him or wandering around looking for him. Instead, imagine having to focus upon myself... .I find the prospect less scary than I did, I'm preparing to let go, but I'm not quite there yet.

Love Lifewriter

Thanks Lucky Jim. Lifewriter, I didn't really know how to let go either but it just happens if you are patient with yourself, and let your emotions come out. It is okay to be sad and depressed. I spent my life hiding these feelings and being ashamed of them. That's why I got here to begin with.  I also have done my best not to bandage my hurt by drinking, having random sex, or trying to always keep busy. These things just hide our emotions when what I needed to do was feel them out. 

Yes I do imagine not thinking about her when I am bored.  Instead I think about more useful and productive things! She has turned into more of a symbol of my pain than a real love interest.  In a way it is sad for me to conclude that but I have to stop living a fantasy as well. 

Other thing I have learned is that damaged people are less attracted to me these days. That's a great sign! Means I am healing.

Hang in there and just be very patient.  Your day will come soon too.

[jc1010]

Truly inspiring post hopealways. So happy for you and the progress you made. Can relate to a lot of what you said.

I'm glad that you're seeing the universe as on your side rather than as trying to control it. It's crazy how liberating it is. Even the brief moments where i've seen the world this way are truly indescribable. There was this awesome website page i came across for letting go of a person as i know you said you're almost there. here it is you want to read it, i actually hung it on my wall.

www.whatiscodependency.com/14-tips-letting-go/

Congrats again, No contact definitely plays a significant role in the process as you know better than me and i now have learned just how hard even a phone call from her can get your thoughts going and send you back. They play mind tricks, you inspire me to never want to talk to her again. thanks hope

-jc

[Lifewriter16]

Hi jc,

That website page has some useful suggestions.

Thank you. Lifewriter x