Inadvertantly Triggering a Silly Disagreement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night I was talking to my BPDh as we stood next to his bookcase. I saw a "Yin Yoga Kit" that he had bought some time ago. We both take Yoga classes, and he took some Yin Yoga classes a couple of years ago.

Yin yoga can be stressful for people like him who aren't very flexible. Though I've had little experience with it, I think it would be something that I could probably do quite easily because I've worked out all my life and have always been very flexible.

So, thinking that this might be a good shared activity for us at home, I asked, "Are you interested in doing Yin yoga?"

Rather than thinking my question was one of looking for a way to spend time together, he interpreted it as criticism. Then, without meaning to JADE, I started explaining that I was interested in his opinion about Yin yoga and thought it could be something we could do together. As you can imagine, he began dysregulating and I, stupidly enough, said I was tired of him interpreting all my comments through his criticism filter.

He then told me that I was so sensitive and that I couldn't bear hearing the slightest negative comment about myself. At that moment, I started laughing uncontrollably. I couldn't even stand up; I bent over and had to support myself by placing my hands on my thighs. (It occurred to me later that his remark was a classic example of projection.)

He then walked away and went to his studio.

I do have plenty of faults, I'll be the first to admit, but being sensitive to criticism is not one of them. I've got a pretty healthy ego. I'm actually happy to get feedback that allows me so grow and change. If I hear something I don't agree with, I'll certainly dispute it or ask for clarification. But, unlike him, I'm not devastated by criticism. I used to feel that way as a child when my BPD mother constantly criticized me, but after tens of thousands of dollars of therapy over the years, this isn't a problem for me any more, however I do have compassion for him feeling that way.

[Cat Familiar]

Last night I was talking to my BPDh as we stood next to his bookcase. I saw a "Yin Yoga Kit" that he had bought some time ago. We both take Yoga classes, and he took some Yin Yoga classes a couple of years ago.

Yin yoga can be stressful for people like him who aren't very flexible. Though I've had little experience with it, I think it would be something that I could probably do quite easily because I've worked out all my life and have always been very flexible.

So, thinking that this might be a good shared activity for us at home, I asked, "Are you interested in doing Yin yoga?"

Rather than thinking my question was one of looking for a way to spend time together, he interpreted it as criticism. Then, without meaning to JADE, I started explaining that I was interested in his opinion about Yin yoga and thought it could be something we could do together. As you can imagine, he began dysregulating and I, stupidly enough, said I was tired of him interpreting all my comments through his criticism filter.

He then told me that I was so sensitive and that I couldn't bear hearing the slightest negative comment about myself. At that moment, I started laughing uncontrollably. I couldn't even stand up; I bent over and had to support myself by placing my hands on my thighs. (It occurred to me later that his remark was a classic example of projection.)

He then walked away and went to his studio.

I do have plenty of faults, I'll be the first to admit, but being sensitive to criticism is not one of them. I've got a pretty healthy ego. I'm actually happy to get feedback that allows me so grow and change. If I hear something I don't agree with, I'll certainly dispute it or ask for clarification. But, unlike him, I'm not devastated by criticism. I used to feel that way as a child when my BPD mother constantly criticized me, but after tens of thousands of dollars of therapy over the years, this isn't a problem for me any more, however I do have compassion for him feeling that way.

[Notwendy]

He then told me that I was so sensitive and that I couldn't bear hearing the slightest negative comment about myself.

You know that was a projection! I know that I am oversensitive to criticism but so is my H. He would say this to me, and yet, if I really listened, he does it more than I do. Another one is "you take things personally" yet he does this.

There is no telling what can be interpreted as a criticism. One common one is if I ask if he has spoken to his mom recently. My main intent is to ask how she is doing. I am genuinely interested. What he tends to hear is " you bad son, you should call your mother more often". I am not saying it, but this is how he feels so asking can trigger this. I have decided better not to ask if he called her, not as a WOE, but it simply isn't worth the angst.

So when you mentioned a yoga style that he has difficulty with, who knows what that triggered, but it isn't something you can control. It was a big shift for me when I stopped accepting being blamed for this and realized it wasn't me. I have at times started giggling when this happens as well. I know it isn't helpful but, once I could accept that it wasn't about me, some of it was just so weird. This could be dangerous if there is risk of physical violence as it can escalate the rage, but this isn't a concern thankfully. I didn't mean to laugh, it just appeared so odd at the time that it did.

Some times I think he picks at me for entertainment or an excuse to get angry. I usually disengage, but sometimes I get annoyed at the picking. If I react, he then gets angry " you don't have to get so pissy at me". It feels like when one kid keeps poking at the other, and the other kid keeps saying "stop" and then eventually gets mad to which the kid doing the poking then says " MOM, he's picking on me".

I feel I should be more aware of this, but I err on being helpful and if someone asks me directions, I try to tell them. The other day he asked me for directions to a place that I don't go to often. I kept telling him that it was better to GPS it since I have a hard time telling him how to get there. It is a large building with one main entrance. He kept asking me the same thing in different ways " how can I find the place, how will I see the entrance". In addition, he has been there so he knows what it looks like. Finally exasperated, I said just go there, there is one door, and you can just walk in the one door!". Then came the snappy retort " you don't have to be so pissy, maybe there is another door you don't know about and ... .".  And I am thinking all this when he could have looked it up himself. Then I try to just let this stuff roll off my back as it really is the small stuff.

[byfaith]

Ha! I need to learn to laugh uncontrollably at criticism thrown my way, I can take it somewhat.

I got a text and my wife asked me to pick her up a burrito from taco bell on my way home from work, so i did.

when I got home I had to go back out and she texted: that was good can you get me a bean and beef one?

so I got her 1 bean burrito and 1 beef burrito. My decision to get 2 separate burritos instead of just a bean and beef burrito was analyzed by my wife like i did it on purpose. How could you confuse that? I just said it is what it is, she wasn't mad just put off a little because she didn't get the bean and beef together.

I know that sounds stupid but its this kind of crap ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME. Why did you buy walmart brand beans? she was mad at me for a whole evening over that. She just KNEW that I did it on purpose. I didn't know why she was ignoring me all night. I was interrogated as to why I bought those beans.

sorry kind of went off on a tangent there   

[Notwendy]

My mom would do that. Send us to the pharmacy for Tylenol, then pitch a fit if we got the wrong brand, or send us out for soup and get upset that the wrong noodles in it. Like who has time for this kind of stuff?

As to laughing, yes, something like this happens and we sibs laugh about it. I think we need to be careful to not be cruel with humor, but sometimes, as a way to cope it can be a relief.

With my H it is more about detail. If he asks me something, and I tell him, then he might say "well you should have said it this way". If I estimate a time, like "around 3 ish" he can come back and say " well you should have said 3:15!"

With the directions, I felt as if I said " Go to the large green door with the red sign on it and take the first flight of stairs" the response could have been " you didn't tell me it was a blue-green door, I thought it was green" or something like that. Whatever it is - it has to be that I didn't say it right. Oh well.

[Cat Familiar]

There is no telling what can be interpreted as a criticism. One common one is if I ask if he has spoken to his mom recently. My main intent is to ask how she is doing. I am genuinely interested. What he tends to hear is " you bad son, you should call your mother more often". I am not saying it, but this is how he feels so asking can trigger this. I have decided better not to ask if he called her, not as a WOE, but it simply isn't worth the angst.



Absolutely, Notwendy. I get blindsided by this frequently. I think I'm starting a conversational topic, then KABOOM! and I've just said something he thinks is insulting or critical. And it's not my business to try to analyze where that reaction came from. I used to try to do that, but now I realize it's not my problem. And if he thinks I'm insensitive, then fine, I can agree--I really don't care anymore about the minutiae of all his triggers. I try to avoid the big ones for the reasons you mentioned.

And I wouldn't recommend laughing as a communication strategy, especially with a volatile pwBPD! As in Notwendy's case, I don't have to worry about that, thankfully. Actually at this point in my life, I'd be out the door so quickly and permanently if I had to live with a raging pwBPD.

Being overcome by laughter was a complete surprise to me. (I love that part of myself that laughs uncontrollably, but I've gotten in trouble for that in the past.) I think that part sees the absurdity in life and wants me to pay attention, so it utterly and completely disables me and all I can do is laugh until I'm done.

LOL about your directions story, Notwendy. That sounds so familiar. I think with my husband, it's to do with his insecurity and fear. I also get the same response and the "you should have said it differently." It happens when he's asking how to do something or repair something. If I tell him too many details, he can't remember them and he gets irritated or he thinks I'm acting like he's stupid. If I don't tell him enough details, he gets irritated because he's asking because he doesn't know how to do it.  

[Cat Familiar]

so I got her 1 bean burrito and 1 beef burrito. My decision to get 2 separate burritos instead of just a bean and beef burrito was analyzed by my wife like i did it on purpose.

Amazing how pwBPD can personalize everything and at the same time not appreciate your efforts!

[byfaith]

another one... .she asks me to pick up a block of cheese to make grilled cheese sandwiches. In my head I'm thinking she meant to say cheese slices, she has never used block cheese to make grilled cheese since I have known her.

I asked you to get a block of cheese why did you get the sliced cheese? Uuuuuummmm because you never use block cheese to make grilled cheese? well I asked you to get block

( she is not being nasty about it) I said well it is what it is, I hope you make it through the night (jokingly)

I will say this though she came back and said to me " I wasn't trying say you were a screw up or anything like that"

[Icthelight]

another one... .she asks me to pick up a block of cheese to make grilled cheese sandwiches. In my head I'm thinking she meant to say cheese slices, she has never used block cheese to make grilled cheese since I have known her.

My wife is very direct. Me, not so much. Stuff like this happens to me often (not as much lately). She would say one thing, and I would either interpret something else, or think she meant something else, all based on my world view or logic. I would kick myself later when she would get annoyed at me for not doing things exactly as she requested. Many times, she would tell me, "if I wanted (fill in the blank), I would have asked for it." I have to admit, she was right. However, it didn't stop me from feeling unappreciated or dejected.

I'm much better now at paying attention to what she is requesting of me. Sometimes I still get it wrong, but not as often. And yes, sometimes she asks for xyz, I stop and think, hey, I think she meant to say zzz, but get xyz as she requested. When I get home, she says, I asked for zzz why did you get me xyz? Rather than argue or JADE, I just say, I heard xyz, bummer.

ByFaith, next time, get her a bean and beef burrito and a block of cheese and all of your problems will vanish. I promise

[Grey Kitty]

Question for you, Cat Familiar... .about the original story... .

Saying something, unintentionally triggering your husband, then laughing uncontrollably when he tried to project crap onto you, and him just walking away... .

Besides a vague (and impossible) wish that you didn't unintentionally trigger him, which is going to happen no matter what you do... .Is there anything you wish you had done differently?

[Cat Familiar]

Good question, Grey Kitty. As Notwendy pointed out, I knew that this type of yoga was hard for him. If I had to do it all over, I wouldn't have let my enthusiasm get in front of my sensitivity and awareness.

In retrospect, I realized that there were a few triggers that I set off. One is his physical limitations, another is that he tends to be a dilettante, another is that he compares himself to me unfavorably in fitness.

The laughing was unexpected and completely out of my control and though it may have come off as rude or unkind, it actually disrupted the interaction in a positive way. Ten minutes later he returned and replied to my question about Yin yoga, giving me his opinion of the classes he had taken and we had a nice discussion.

[Notwendy]

I agree that laughter could be received as hurtful. I experienced the same thing - even surprised myself that I started to giggle. I would not intentionally laugh at someone who is upset. I considered this a breakthrough though.  I recall that I was being accused of something. Before I would have bought into it, gotten upset, JADED- gone round and round in a circular argument and been upset afterwards.

This time though- I was less enmeshed- knew my own truth and what I was being accused of made no sense to me. It sounded so strange that I giggled. Then realizing that I wasn't enmeshed in his reality I felt a sense that this was a big step. The next one was to work on being empathetic while maintaining my reality.

[Notwendy]

With mother- we wouldn't laugh in front of her. We have laughed among ourselves though. It isn't kind but it helped us cope with feeling hurt. This isn't a romantic relationship thought- that would be harmful to intimacy. It was not kind of us to laugh but I think it was our way of coping

[Grey Kitty]

I don't think laughing at how ridiculous the pwBPD in your life is behaving is a good thing to plan on doing.     

I think the way it worked out for Cat Familiar this time was pretty healthy, the way it happened.

Notwendy, your example of  how you would NEVER laugh at your mother shows how bad the power imbalance was. (which is normal for parents and children) That CF was relaxed enough about the little outburst that she laughed spontaneously is a good sign.

And her H probably knew that she was laughing at the situation, not laughing at him in a cruel way. So it kinda defused the situation and ended gracefully.

[Notwendy]

Good point GK, I have also had some humor moments that diffused the situation- and even now with my mother as well. I think that the emergence of a different point of view is a reflection of growth.

Before, when accused of something - I would buy into it- and feel badly that someone I care about would think that of me. Now, I can step back without reacting and consider if I agree with it or not.