Trying to keep peace until we can seperate... Any advice?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I found out last week that my uBPDw has filed for a divorce. I am not sure if this is actually what she wants or if this is her "one up" on the boundaries I implemented. She didn't like me leaving and staying gone when she flipped out.

Meanwhile, we have been alternating sleeping on the couch. I would love to just move out. However, this last year I reduced my work flow in order to be home more for her. Doing this cut my pay ~2500.00 a month.

Anyhow, just waking up in our house seems to be an issue. THis morning, I get up with my 3 yo at 7:00 and went for a walk to Starbucks, as I do every Sunday. When I got back, I heard her growling and dysregulating in the bedroom.  I can hear the frustration increasing, as she begin to say stuff like "you gotta act like 'hey, here I am'... .God you make me sick. I cant wait to get away from you"  I mean she seems to detest that I am actually in a good mood. SHe started on me the other day because I was whistling while doing dishes. Is this common with BPD? I mean do they get angry because you're not miserable with them?

So, I got in the shower and she is yelling at me about something petty and I say "please get out and quit yelling!" SHe yells "i'm yelling to yell over you your idiot!" . I was in the shower and thought to myself " I wasn't saying a word!"

Now she is texting me how nothing is ever cleaned. she does it all. blah blah blah. I do ALL the cooking and I ALWAYS continuously clean.   Idon't want to go into all this, but I do a lot here. Is this normal for her to perceive she is doing it all?

[Flexion]

So, I found out last week that my uBPDw has filed for a divorce. I am not sure if this is actually what she wants or if this is her "one up" on the boundaries I implemented. She didn't like me leaving and staying gone when she flipped out.

Meanwhile, we have been alternating sleeping on the couch. I would love to just move out. However, this last year I reduced my work flow in order to be home more for her. Doing this cut my pay ~2500.00 a month.

Anyhow, just waking up in our house seems to be an issue. THis morning, I get up with my 3 yo at 7:00 and went for a walk to Starbucks, as I do every Sunday. When I got back, I heard her growling and dysregulating in the bedroom.  I can hear the frustration increasing, as she begin to say stuff like "you gotta act like 'hey, here I am'... .God you make me sick. I cant wait to get away from you"  I mean she seems to detest that I am actually in a good mood. SHe started on me the other day because I was whistling while doing dishes. Is this common with BPD? I mean do they get angry because you're not miserable with them?

So, I got in the shower and she is yelling at me about something petty and I say "please get out and quit yelling!" SHe yells "i'm yelling to yell over you your idiot!" . I was in the shower and thought to myself " I wasn't saying a word!"

Now she is texting me how nothing is ever cleaned. she does it all. blah blah blah. I do ALL the cooking and I ALWAYS continuously clean.   Idon't want to go into all this, but I do a lot here. Is this normal for her to perceive she is doing it all?

[sweetheart]

Hi Flexion,

Your w sounds angry and unhappy. And yes if you are ok, and not reacting to her moods, then your w will be left with her feelings because she can't project them into and onto you.

My h when he is badly dysregulated does things very similar to your w, he will hear me say things, believe I have done things that are about 'getting at him,' when in reality I am doing nothing at all.

You're posting on the Improving board, so may I tentatively ask  , how does your w respond to you validating her, how effective is it when she is dysregulating?

My other question is, did you let her know you were going out for coffee, did you offer to fetch her one back, or just bring her one back?

I understand that you might not feel much like doing these things, but if you can find ways to hold on to small acts of kindness and love it might help your w return to baseline.

pwBPD as you will be acutely aware are super sensitive to the possibility of rejection and feelings of abandonment.

Is your w aware that you don't want a divorce?

[waitingwife]

Your W is probably feeling invalidated and the fear of rejection/abandonment is her coping mechanism. The thoughts they hear are: before he rejects me, let me push him away so I'll win.

I have been through the push-pull and projections a lot... .I feel like boundaries help but before setting them, it really helped me validate and forgive... .I don't know if you feel sick of it all like I did... .Like I wanted to throw it all in and run as fast as I can when I start d therapy and then 3 years later again when I joined this board last month... .But using the lessons, tools & different persoectives, I was able to take a step back and seperate the content from the context and thats when I realized that I had a lot of work to do myself to build up my self-esteem, respect and love myself to even start anything near validating... .Deep inside my subconscious mind, I was holding him FULLY responsible for my inner pain and hence projecting resentment and passive aggressiveness into him which didn't help our r/s one bit... .Coz pwBPD are anyways emotionally weaker and cannot keep their eyes on the prize so if we as Nons want to improve the r/s thenwe have to take that first step to work hard... .By working hard, I don't mean by any means sucking up all that they project vut making your ground & roots stronger!

I hope that helps and please take it one day at a time... .Like Sweetheart mentioned, leaving a crack open in the door like asking if she would like a cup of coffee would keep that connection going while you were gone... .You'll have to find small valid things to validate... .I struggled a LOT with validating coz I had to work on my issues for it to really come from within and even mean it coz pwBPD are too intuitive and they know when there is a grain of truth in our validation.

[Flexion]

Hi Flexion,

Your w sounds angry and unhappy. And yes if you are ok, and not reacting to her moods, then your w will be left with her feelings because she can't project them into and onto you.

My h when he is badly dysregulated does things very similar to your w, he will hear me say things, believe I have done things that are about 'getting at him,' when in reality I am doing nothing at all.

You're posting on the Improving board, so may I tentatively ask  , how does your w respond to you validating her, how effective is it when she is dysregulating?

I have tried numerous things. The other night she was so mean and folling me around trying to project. I quickly moved around the house, while she nicely cut my throat. You see, she thinks as long as she talks in a low voice when she is abusing, I have to listen. I left and went to the store. Once in the car, I text "hey, let me know if you want anything from the store." I dropped it! She text back " I don't understand this text after tonight!" With her, you cannot let petty things go. Nothing for that matter.

Further, I have told her if  I cook or have anything, she is welcomed to it. But, she refused to eat the food  I cooked last night. Instead, she asked me about a dish that was in the fridge(among other 2 week old stuff) that I threw out, while cleaning yesterday.  I didn't know it was new. But, she ripped me a new one and called me a "Fu*king selfish idiot! Really? after spending all day cooking and cleaning? It's so petty about things like that. She would starve instead of eating the food  made us.

However, Today, I get the first text bomb of the day. she asked where his spiderman sandals were. I said  I don't know, I Never touched them. SHe says "LIAR! I put those on my CC and I'm tired of your going through stuff and hiding things from me." WOW LOL.   That morning, when I was getting L ready to go, she comes in and throws them in the floor and said he wants to wear them( because she wants to control everything). I said I have nice shoes on because we had intended on going to church. I Never, ever touched them. I do remember him playing with them, but I didn't touch them. I am seeing more and more paranoid things. IS this something I should be concerned with?

  Anyhow, that led to an all out text rage! still going off. 50+ texts . The accusations and paranoi are driving me nuts.

Yes, she know  I DO NOT want a divorce! However, I believe that is what gives her the fuel to keep abusing me. I let her do it by know She still has me?I have no defense. I feel helpless with the accusations. too much to defend(not that I will anyhow).

I am really lost and a good guy. I cant get through enough for her to even seen the hatefulness she is projecting my way. I am simply trying to avoid conflict until she moves out .

Again,  I do not want to divorce. But, I'm conflicted. This is seriously draining .

[sweetheart]

Oh Flexion, that really does sound tough and relentless. I completely understand why you would feel lost.

It reminds me very much of when my dBPDh was at his most seriously dysregulated, everything triggered him, I've said it before, even a change in the weather was sent to persecute him.

I fully appreciate that when someone is as dysregulated as your w is at the moment, validation in my experience will not work. What is important here is protecting you and your son from the worst extremes of the behaviour. How is your wife doing as a parent to your son, and how is your son doing in amongst all this? We have a young son, so I understand how difficult it can be when things are this bad.

What helps if anything when all this happening ? Removing yourself from the situation is probably the most effective thing you can do right now for you.

The other thing I'm wondering, apologies I haven't read your back story, is whether your w is receiving any treatment or seeing any professionals?

The behaviours you describe being worried about can occur IME as a result of a pwBPD being continuously dysregulated. Imagine being in a prolonged state of fear and anxiety, high emotional arousal, this is not sustainable without there being an escalation of symptoms, like the ones you describe.

Quite clearly your w is not coping at all well and from what you are saying, her behaviours are escalating.

In the absence of her accessing professional help, it's about you being mindful of taking care of your personal well-being and consistently removing yourself from abusive behaviour.

How long has this level of behaviour being going on for? Has it been this bad before?

[flourdust]

What you're describing sounds very familiar to me. The inability to have a constructive approach to conflict -- including stepping away when things get hot. The paranoid cognitive distortions. The desire for positive support that is self-sabotaged by destructive and aggressive behaviors.

Boundary enforcement and disengagement might be all you can realistically do. You can try joint counseling to see if it's possible to negotiate a better arrangement with a neutral mediator ... .but that may not work.

[Beacher]

So sorry you are going through this. I remember the agony of living together while waiting for a separation.Their behavior is all fear based. Any time frame when you can move out? This is so unhealthy for you. I would go to work in tears and dread coming home. The sooner you're out the better, even if you do not want a divorce. Please take care of yourself.

[Grey Kitty]

I agree with sweetheart--removing yourself from an abusive situation is probably your best bet. (Assuming you aren't worried about your child being left in an abusive situation, in which case, removing him too is worth considering.)

If she is saying abusive things in a quiet tone of voice, protect yourself from them just as you would from the same things shouted at you. No need to convince her that it is also abusive--just remove yourself if you need to, and convince her that you won't listen to it.

If all this chaos is in the aftermath of your first times enforcing boundaries with her, that she is escalating things to get back to the way things were before isn't a surprise. This is what we call an extinction burst.

[HopefulDad]

Your wife filed for divorce.  First:  Do not treat this like an episode of "(sigh) here she goes again".  This is serious business.  Start documenting everything.  Save those texts in case you need them later for whatever reason.  Maybe she withdraws the filing.  But maybe she doesn't.  That's out of your hands.

Second: Whether in her heart she wants a divorce or not, by filing she *knows* she amped up the situation significantly and it is probably freaking her out.  If she's blowing up at you over things that don't make sense (e.g. yelling over your 'silent yelling' in the shower), there's not much you can do to keep the peace.  Like others suggested, give yourself some peace and remove yourself from situations where she's abusing you.  You're in a tough spot with no right answer.