Need Help, NC 4 Months

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I received a LinkedIn request from my EX BPD social worker last week, I work in a specialized area of IT and there is no reason she should want to be invited to my Linked in stuff. The information is about my projects and where they are, that is it. I work part time in another city and my dogs are at home with a pet sitter. I did respond in a graceful way but I did add "I would be willing to drop the restraining order if he got help". My problem is that I love him very much but realize that I can not handle BPD from him or anyone. I think that I would easily go back again even though I have just barely put my life back into place. 

Today I checked the mail and found that my EX BPD is using my address for his bank. The letter is addressed to him only and I do not understand. I will not open it at all, I am a very respectful person. These two events happened in one week, before that nothing. I have a restring order on him, so he can not contact me. Ok for the advice:

1) I want to respond to the social worker and send the letter and the things that he left behind and be done with it. I want to email his social worker again and send the items back and explain that I do not want him using my address. I do want to reiterate that I do love him much and that if he gets help I will drop the restraining order.

2) No response at all. I send all items to his social worker and money to forward this on. I think this is the best way.

3) I inform the domestic violence court of the issues and throw everything in the trash.

You input would be greatful.

[joel6242]

I received a LinkedIn request from my EX BPD social worker last week, I work in a specialized area of IT and there is no reason she should want to be invited to my Linked in stuff. The information is about my projects and where they are, that is it. I work part time in another city and my dogs are at home with a pet sitter. I did respond in a graceful way but I did add "I would be willing to drop the restraining order if he got help". My problem is that I love him very much but realize that I can not handle BPD from him or anyone. I think that I would easily go back again even though I have just barely put my life back into place. 

Today I checked the mail and found that my EX BPD is using my address for his bank. The letter is addressed to him only and I do not understand. I will not open it at all, I am a very respectful person. These two events happened in one week, before that nothing. I have a restring order on him, so he can not contact me. Ok for the advice:

1) I want to respond to the social worker and send the letter and the things that he left behind and be done with it. I want to email his social worker again and send the items back and explain that I do not want him using my address. I do want to reiterate that I do love him much and that if he gets help I will drop the restraining order.

2) No response at all. I send all items to his social worker and money to forward this on. I think this is the best way.

3) I inform the domestic violence court of the issues and throw everything in the trash.

You input would be greatful.

[WoundedBibi]

Hi Joel6242 

Sorry, just to make sure I understand the situation: your ex bf is using your address for bank stuff while on a restraining order, and his social worker wants to connect with you on LinkedIn?

[joel6242]

That about sums it up. I have put some thought to this and I will go to domestic violence court in the morning.

[WoundedBibi]

That is what I advise you to do.

Be sure to mention the social worker too; of course a social worker is not a T but they must have rules and guidelines about privacy too and it comes across as if she has been manipulated into being a way of having an indirect contact.

Also, don't throw anything away. Either keep the LinkedIn invite in your inbox and just ignore it or make a screenshot of it. And keep the letter from the bank. Unopened. Just in case you ever need proof this was happening. Unless the domestic violence court wants to keep it as evidence of course.

Good luck!

[Sattva]

Joel6242, in your shoes I would not give him that bank letter.

I'd definitely tell the court - bring the letter along (unopened, if it is still in that state now - ETA: although I'm wondering could it be a bank 'junk mail' offer for a credit card, rather than correspondence for an actual account?) and also mention that it's a new bank account (post restraining order), as that would have greater implications. I'd also mention the social worker's contact - take along a print out copy of the screen showing that Linked In Request, if you can (to do this: hit the 'prt sc' button of your keyboard, then open your imaging application, make a 'new document' and hit 'paste' to paste the screen grab into the document - then print it).

I'd also contact the bank as a matter of urgency. He could take out a loan or overdraft and not repay it. The debt would then be registered to your property, which may cause you issues - the implications of that scenario vary from country to country.

I would contact the bank by going to the nearest branch, with photo ID (passport/drivers license), two proofs of address, and a copy of the restraining order and tell them he does not live at your address and you do not accept for his account to be registered there. And if you know his current address, give it to them. As a rule of thumb, it's wise to not let anyone not living at your address to use your address as their own for correspondence, then simply pass the mail on to them - especially not mail of the banking variety!

If you have other possessions of his that he would want back, I would first ask the court what you should do.

One possibility is to send these things addressed to him, c/o his social worker's name and address - with no note or explanation. In my own situation, I did not throw my exes possessions away - partly due to respect for 'the possessions of others' (as with you), and partly because I did not want him to have an excuse for any further ire. I left his things in my garden for him to collect. I don't have an RI, so I could arrange this with him at the time. I also did not have an address of a contact where I could forward these for him to collect - if I had, I would have gone that route. But in your position, I'd run it past the court first, along with the other things you need to tell them.

Do not contact him, nor agree to drop the RI if he gets treated. Yes, the RI is on him, but courts take a dim view of contact going the other way too - i.e. from the Claimant to the Defendant. Don't weaken your case - you may need to renew that RI and if the court is aware of weakened resolve for No Contact from your side, it may affect you getting a renewal on the RI. It may also lighten their opinion of any breaches from his side. I've been in court recently myself and have witnessed a couple of cases where this happened and the Defendant was in court for breaches. The courts do expect No Contact to be two way when they impose an RI. So please keep in mind whatever it is that he did which necessitated you getting an RI and be glad you have this RI in place - fully respect it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know NC can be so hard, but please always remember that you have the RI in place for a reason and that your safety is paramount. It's my opinion that Cluster B's don't change with treatment, they just become more manipulative.