BPD and Grandchildren

[Depression = 72% of members]

How do I help my 4 and7 year old granddaughters cope with their mother's, my  daughter in law's BPD?

[Rita123]

How do I help my 4 and7 year old granddaughters cope with their mother's, my  daughter in law's BPD?

[Turkish]

Hi Rita123,

What specifically is going on? How much do you get to see them?

T.

[sheishei]

Hi rita, Unless there´s any "major abuse" ( for the eyes of child protection ) i mean like physical abuse,or that she locks them in the closet for example and you know about it there´s not much possible to do, i´m really sorry to say this, but i´ve been through this myself. For a BPD if you try to control her or show your worries about your grandchild, something that might appear to her as a threaten of her control she will try to avoid any kind of contact of them with you, but for us the childs of an abusive BPD parent it means a lot when we have people we can talk to and understand and believes us, that is where you can start being there for them, if she notices any kind of criticism she will try to stop that contact, so try to be there and observe without she noticing you´re doing so and always support them, show them what love is really like, so they know that there is something better than that selfish "love" they offer, so they have a good example and don´t believe so easily all the disturbing things they say or think that can be so harmful to a child´s mind. So they know they can go to you and trust you if they need to and of course if you see any signs of physical abuse that´s your best weapon to try to give them a healthier life.

[understandnow]

I am going through the same situations as you.  My son and his wife both have all the signs of BPD.  They live in an emotional abusive relationship.  I see them emotionally abuse the children.  I am sorry you are going through this and totally understand your frustrations.  I agree with sheishei.  Show them unconditionally love whenever you can.  My son and his wife will alienate them whenever they choose and I keep quiet and love them when I can.  I am vigilant in looking for physical abuse.  But I am a maternal child nurse and a mandated reporter, and know emotional abuse is extremely difficult to prove.

Be strong and keep us updated.  We understand.

[Coeur Brise]

My grandson is 13 and my daughter suffers from BPD. We have struggled with her to see our grandson as often as possible, and because she loves to go out and party with friends, she has asked us to take him off her hands (her words) once or twice a month on average. We gave him a quiet, stable, loving environment, with no pressure, off and on for years. But now that he is a teenager, things are more difficult. He doesn't like visiting his grandparents, it's not cool. In addition, she has often accused us of emotional abuse in front of him, calling our relationship with her toxic, and generally expressing her frustrations, anger and resentment towards us to him directly (as well as to anyone willing to listen to her). The end result is that he feels very protective of her (here is the parentizing) and has now refused to have anything to do with us. I just keep reminding myself that a consistent loving adult in a child's life can make all the difference, and although it may be true that we might never see him again, I find comfort in knowing my husband and I have been there for him to the best of our ability throughout his childhood.