Did you live in a fantasy world as a coping mechanism ?

[Please help]

Hello,

  Over the years, I have always meant to ask this of our community here. Growing up, things were bad (as I am sure your childhoods were as well). I used to develop these fantasies about being a hero of sorts (rescuing them from a terrorist attack or some major crime) and this lead to some stable family I either knew or hardly knew taking me in. This fictional family would have a beautiful daughter who would fall in love with me , etc. I would go very deep into the details of these fantasies with the specific house I lived in, car I drove, work, etc.  As far back as I could remember, I would live in these worlds.I never had any issues differentiating fiction from reality. It was always a bit weird when I bumped into a real person who I inserted into his fantasy life as I would create back stories for everyone.

I watched 1 hour photo (Robin Williams) and it freaked me out a bit. That was intense.

Once I started my family, these fantasies stopped. I think it was because I was finally content in my real world. Lately, I have been under a great deal of stress and I resurrected one of my old fantasy lives again. I am examining my reasons for it and realize it was nothing but a coping mechanism to deal with the horrible life of my early years.

My F went to jail and left me with his friend.  When I watched the movie Casino and Joe Pesci robbing peoples houses I began to have anxiety. This guy would take me on robberies with him when I was about 8. He once had a friend over who smoked a bunch of opium and passed out on the kitchen floor for 4 days. I remember stepping over him as I was getting ready for school. I watched him open fire with a revolver on his stripper girlfriend while I was eating cereal. I then stayed with my mother and had to baby sit my two younger brothers ( we all had different fathers) instead of going to school so she could go to work cleaning houses. She would then disappear ( we lived in a trailer park) for several days at a time. I think she may have been a prostitute. I would buy mac & cheese , rice - roni at the supermarket with my paper route money for us to heat and cook on a hot plate ( propane was never filled).

I tell you this not to get your sympathy but for you understand how I could delve into such fantasies. My life sucked. I missed so much of my primary education ( thankfully I always read books) due to bouncing from school to school. I honestly lost track of the schools I went to.

The common denominator in all my fantasies is I was somehow propelled into a position where I could help what I assumed were "normal" people and they took me in.

I think because I knew deep down the only way a "normal" family would allow a throw away such as myself near them or their daughter would be due to unusual circumstances.

I even married later in life because I knew I had no social proof (no family and a few friends). The few women I met early on who seemed "normal' quickly picked up on the red flags. It did not matter what my education or work was, something screamed Ted Bundy. Only people here can understand how one can raise themselves, be sane yet have no contact with their family. I must have comes across like a drifter you see on America's most wanted. To be candid, I did not even put myself out there that much as I did not want to try and explain it. It was and still is awkward when the subject of my family comes up. I once heard from someone my mother was telling people I died. I understand why she did this. It was easier than trying to explain her "past" and how things got so messed up. She liked to meet guys and put on a front.

Is what I am saying here sound like something a mentally healthy person who went through the stuff we did does to cope?

Please do not worry about hurting my feelings. This is more of a sanity check.

Thanks for your time !

[Turkish]

i can relate to the food issue. From 12 to 14, I lived on cold food out of cans. It was only marginally better for the next 4 years. Never ate breakfast. Many times, breakfast/lunch was a bag of doritos i bought myself while doing my laundry at the laundromat next to the general store. Scrapng the congealed grease from "tamales in a can" made them palatable. On a whim, 30 years later, I bought a can of vienna sausages. I couldn't finish it. My mom got dented canned food from a cannery, so at least there was food, if not healthy. I remember that chef-boy-aredee out of a can wasn't bad. 6 months before we graduated high school, I finally lived in a real house, so yeah, I also lived on Rice-a-Roni, and top ramen. Government cheese was a staple from 9th to 12th grade. At least I still like grilled cheese.

I'm not sure I'm getting an idea of what level what you call your fantasies were. I was a day dreamer, detached and embraced being a latchkey child. Lets just say thatvi have always had a rich inner life. One of my coping mechanisms was larching into what I perceived as healthy or more complete families.

To answer your last question, as I see it, you did what you did in order to survive. I'd be proud of myself, if I were you, to become what sounds like a functioning member of society.

[Please help]

Thanks Turkish. That helped. I see my fantasies were a mechanism to latch onto normal families. The only way they would accept me is if there were some bizarre scenario.

[Turkish]

Thanks Turkish. That helped. I see my fantasies were a mechanism to latch onto normal families. The only way they would accept me is if there were some bizarre scenario.

Is that what you think, or what you think they would think? Three of my BFFs, "brothers,"  to this day saw the dysfunction (there were various dysfunctions in their families, including BPD, but they were more intact, and higher-functioning). That was in my teens. Are you talking more about when you were an adult?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi please help,

I haven't seen 1 Hour Photo, but am now going to look for it.  I enjoy Robin Williams.

I spent a lot of my childhood hiding so as not to be caught for abuse.  While hiding, or other times, I fantasized about escaping.  I think having some hope that life can be better may be a huge motivator to survive.  I was young and would mentally go through visualizations of walking a path by the road and trying to come up with a place to stop for sleep, or food and such.  I always came up short on getting a real plan at such a young age, therefore often disappointed.

Sometimes while hiding I needed to focus hard on not making noise, being still to not be found.  I escaped and distracted myself mentally by focusing on odd things, like the veins of a leaf I traced, noticing the path and textures.

Looking back, I have at times remarked that my childhood was somewhat like living out an environmentally induced autism; as I was forced into social isolation and had to retreat into my mind so far and disconnect from the world.

I went to my T a couple of months ago to complain that when I get stressed, I find myself mentally retreating and dissociating.  It is not new to me,  but I just felt like complaining about how uncomfortable it makes me.  When googling on the topic the search returned things that upset me like the word 'psychotic.'

I am grateful that T paused and looked my way. Knowing I was judging myself and looking to see if he would help corroborate my narrative of being 'defective,' he seemed to make the room stop and exclaimed, 'That is just fantastic!' '... .It is great that you have this capacity, and has served you well.'  I tried to argue a bit, however, he persisted until I gave up and accepted the perspective, that maybe my dissociation is a gift.  

Rather than trying to 'throw it away' I have been trying to redirect it and utilize it more effectively.  This has helped me let go of a lot of anxiety I have had about it.

... .

Some of the possible themes I hear in your story... .

Hope

Obtaining a role of strength and empowerment

Finding companionship love

Escape

Family

Material clarity or financial security

Being freed from dysfunction (what you call 'normal'

... .

Is what I am saying here sound like something a mentally healthy person who went through the stuff we did does to cope?

Sometimes I try to convince my T, even this day, that 'google says I'm psychotic' and such. On bad days I still feel defective.  However, yes, I cannot imagine anyone telling me that mentally escaping was 'wrong.'

Finding a way to escape mentally and protect the only part that we could save and shield at the moment... .

Was brilliant!

~Sunflower

[Please help]

Thanks Turkish. That helped. I see my fantasies were a mechanism to latch onto normal families. The only way they would accept me is if there were some bizarre scenario.

Is that what you think, or what you think they would think? Three of my BFFs, "brothers,"  to this day saw the dysfunction (there were various dysfunctions in their families, including BPD, but they were more intact, and higher-functioning). That was in my teens. Are you talking more about when you were an adult?

This was mostly in my younger days. It was part reality from being shunned by normal people and part perception. There were several kid's I grew up with who were not allowed to hang around with me. My family was in the news occasionally (and it was not for their humanitarian efforts, ha, ha). I don't blame them. Most normal people do not want their kid going to a house that was raided last week for drugs or someone almost getting killed. As a kid, I found this rejection crushing and that is why I would fantasize about surrogate families. My parents did not want me, I was exposed to the worst humanity has to offer and polite society treated me as an outcast.

I was about  5 or 6 and hanging around some kid from school. His mother did not like me - she was rude said he couldn't come out etc. Everyone knew who my family was in the town. I took a book of matches from my house and went to call on my friend. She said he could not come out as I predicted. I heard her yell to her son to go upstairs after I rang bell. I gave her the matches and said I found them on the street. We had just gotten a lesson in school ( I was in kindergarten) that if we find matches, lighter,etc to give them to an adult. She rudely took them while giving me a dirty look before slamming door shut.  I wanted her to think I was a good kid who knew right from wrong and was worthy of playing with her son. That is why I brought the matches. As I write this, it seems bizarre for a 5-6 year old to even think like that.

I realize now I was always plagued with a touch of depression or at least a dark cloud on the horizon. I think it would be a hallmark of mental illness if one were to walk around upbeat and chipper in my situation. That would be complete disassociation.

I am seeing it now. Stress and anxiety is depressing me a bit right now but the whole fantasy world escape does not have the same  "feel good" that helped me escape my childhood pain. Maybe it's because I matured and understand my emotions better.

I have always thought that survivors of Bpd families are the most intuitive. We had to be otherwise we would have ended up dead, in jail or on drugs.


Sunflower- I am sorry you had to endure that. Yes, maybe because of our gender differences we had different yet intense fantasy worlds. I think as long as it's harmless and you are not hearing voices and having bad thoughts, it's actually a good thing. From a purely academic perspective, someone writing the DSM criteria who never experienced our traumas could easily label us as schizophrenic.

The best drug counselors are usually recovering addicts themselves. They understand and feel the exact pain and emotions of their clients.

Very impressive on picking up the themes. You helped clarify them for me and I thank you for that.

[ophnoh]

Yes. So much of this.

I used to heavily fantasize about having a man in my life who would "save" me. Often when my BPDm would sit me down at the kitchen table to scream and yell at me for hours I'd imagine that, one day, if she were to do this to me I'd have a husband/partner who would defend me. My mother would often tell me that I was very "weird", "not normal"... .as if I put off some kind of vibe that would scare people away... .that I was too fat/ugly. She was very much fixated on her appearance and the affect she had on men (she is currently on her 4th husband and has a tendency to have affairs). She would place much emphasis on the man's wealth/appearance, what they've achieved in life... and she definitely put a lot of emphasis on men from her home country. It sounds odd but that was her type and she used to make me feel as though I could never "catch" a man like she could, especially a man with that kind of status... .because there was so much wrong with me. So it's sad... .I used to imagine that a man that suited her standards would some day love me and protect me from her.

Looking back this subconsciously influenced men I've dated. I've been in two abusive relationships in my adulthood... .as they were both men who were controlling in a way that felt comfortable and "normal" for me, and both relationships started out with them making me feel as though they'd "protect" me.

I also had a relationship with a very wealthy and good-looking man who was twice my age and completely my mother's type. He also was from my mother's homecountry/had her accent. At the time I didn't realize how much of he and I's relationship stemmed from the fact that I subconsciously felt that I achieved something/proved something about my worth... .I did something my mother had done and was somehow proving her wrong. Further, it was a relationship that was admittedly sadomasochistic... .so he was "abusive" in the sense that I had control over the situation/was treated in an atypical way with my consent out of his care for me. At the time I did not think this but I definitely consider that relationship my attempt at healing myself.

It's really sad to think about... .

[sheishei]

For me fantasizing began when i was the closest to loose myself in all that insanity i was living in. About the age of 18  i began pretending that i had the perfect family and telling people so and acting like this was true. i believed that my mother and stepfather were loving and supportive and that they cared about me, that my stepfather loved me like a daughter and the reason why i was always the one to blame was because he loved me and expected better of me and that my mother was supportive and loving and a dedicated mother. Soon after i began to waste my money on worthless things that would support this idea of the perfect family , trying to make it up for that absence of love and stability. But like that phrase, you can run but can´t hide, i couldn´t hide my pain from myself and it came out in ways i had swear i would never allowed myself to do, like drinking, i didn´t became an alcoholic , it just happened a couple of times but if i had stayed longer under the same roof i would have and worse, the healing key for me has been distance.

you should not blame yourself or feel ashamed of having this fantasies, you most accept them in order to heal and face the things that happen , only like that can we live the life we want for ourselves despite of our past, again , don´t feel ashamed for them.

[Please help]

I get a tinge of envy when I see high school kid's enjoying their lives i.e private school, vacations, loving parents, overall mental and physical well-being. It's nothing malicious, it's merely I understand they had it much better.

I think these fantasies I created also helped me avoid "having to look in he mirror" so to speak about me life and the pain associated with it. I remember my father picking me up at work as I got into a fight with his wife who was freebasing crack in front of her kid's and then tried to bury a pair of scissors in my gut. I stopped her hand and the tip as about 1 inch from me.She took a full under-cut swing. I still remember the shirt I was wearing etc. I suspect a fair portion of us (maybe we should poll) almost lost our lives at least once growing up. I am not talking swimming accidents either.

He came to pick me us as she wanted me out of house. I was still in high school. We got into such a vicious fight in the car, I was trying to break his glasses to blind him while he was delivering heavy punches to my back. He was screaming he could not live like this anymore.

I had some bruising on my face but mostly on my back. I told everyone how I got jumped by a car load of guys. I do not know if the other kid's believed me but it was clear something happened. I told my friend the truth.

I drank heavy and broke into cars as a kid. I always worked and was not home much. Moved into a rooming house at 18. Went to college nights. My late teens early 20's were rough. I always went to school nights but knew I was on my own with some baggage.

I read posts on here about some of us mourning what we never had. I think it's important for us to remind ourselves that true we did not have happy and loving parents who wanted nothing but the best for us. We should not compare ourselves to those "normal kids" we all knew growing up. It's apples and oranges.

They were privileged and we were survivors.  All our chaos and the stupid things we did were caused by others , not us. Most of us here got to a point where (hopefully) our heads are screwed on straight. That's a huge thing.

[Sunfl0wer]

I get a tinge of envy when I see high school kid's enjoying their lives i.e private school, vacations, loving parents, overall mental and physical well-being. It's nothing malicious, it's merely I understand they had it much better.

When I was younger, yup, I had those envious feelings.  I think I know what you mean.  As I am getting older... .  I am learning that even those school kids enjoying life in prep school and such... .  Often have their own, very different demons to slay.

So, The other day, I thought I encountered a man who really had figured stuff out and had an awesome life.  The following link is to my post.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291453.0

... .

I am sorry for such frightening experiences you should not have had to endure. 

Do you still feel that you are 'different' than 'normal' people?

How are you alike?

I admit, there are some people that I feel are 'too normal' for me to feel comfortable with.  I am trying to see this as much 'unfair' for me to not chat them up due to thinking they are 'too normal' as it is if they were to avoid me.  I suppose there is still a tiny bit of me that feels 'defective' at times.  This bit shrinks tho every year.

[Woolspinner2000]

This is a very interesting post, Please help. As you can see from the responses, many of us have struggled with the same things as you. It's good to know we are not alone, isn't it?  I too was a 'daydreamer.' I clearly recall my 5th grade teacher telling my uBPDm that I daydreamed and would not do my school work. Living in fantasy worlds was my escape and my rescue, my way of surviving.

Since I began T, I've learned that it is okay that I lived there for so long. It was a coping mechanism that allowed us to survive. Like you, most of the need to live in my fantasy world eased when I got married, but then stressful situations would start to bring it back. When I noticed what I was doing, I remember connecting it to the fact that I used to do this as a kid, why now? I realized it was due to my then current day increased feelings of insecurity or threat.

I wanted her to think I was a good kid who knew right from wrong and was worthy of playing with her son. That is why I brought the matches. As I write this, it seems bizarre for a 5-6 year old to even think like that.

You were a very smart young man at that age!  Look at how much you worked at doing the right thing, and it sounds like even to this day the desire is still strong within you. You want to get better and work through the pain, and I am proud of you for it. 

Sunflower makes a good point here:

I get a tinge of envy when I see high school kid's enjoying their lives i.e private school, vacations, loving parents, overall mental and physical well-being. It's nothing malicious, it's merely I understand they had it much better.

When I was younger, yup, I had those envious feelings.  I think I know what you mean.  As I am getting older... .  I am learning that even those school kids enjoying life in prep school and such... .  Often have their own, very different demons to slay.

We are all working on our 'stuff' here, and I'm so thankful that it is a safe place for us all to hang out. We are survivors. Don't ever minimize this wonderful strength within ourselves, and congratulate our inner kids (those young ones especially) for their resiliance!   

What kind things can we tell our little ones to help them know it is okay?

Lil Wools needs to know that I am so proud of her for being so creative all those years.

Wools

[Please help]

Someone asked how am I different than a "normal" person. The answer is although normal ( by this I mean little baggage from childhood) people appear to be less banged up and you can tell the years sit lighter on them than people like us. At the end of the day, they do not have the strength we have.

While I do envy seeing the happy and smiling faces of their large and loving family, I also realize they live within boundaries as they have to be mainstream and cannot do unique things. They cannot pursue an odd career in music, art or start a business at a young age. The reason is there are certain social norms one must adhere to. I have taken eccentric approaches to my career. This had brought some success and some failure (probably more failure - ha,ha)

Living in different parts of the country and world is also something we can do as again we do not adhere to the social norms of a stable family and society in general.

The part of the country  I live in most graduated high school, went to college and slowly immersed themselves into adulthood by 23-25. Parents helped with rent, tuition, cars, love , etc. By mid 20's many could meet a good potential mate, buy a house with parents help ( down payment) and start a life. Parents then provide other material support while getting your family going.

I know it's absurd to compare myself to these types of people. Unfortunately, I was ghetto poor in the suburbs as opposed to more of a poor urban area. Being poor around people with a bit of money is noticeable. Now that I am writing this, I think that affected me deeper than I realize. I think it was more to the point the fact the people I grew up around were normal and not so much about the financial aspect. I say this because none of my fantasy families involved people with money, just stability. Oddly, I am almost anti materialistic. A friend of mine who was in a similar situation was always about the fancy clothes, cars, houses, etc.  He admitted it was due to being poor.

I recall being 18 or 19 going for a walks on Christmas day / Thanksgiving, etc and seeing people getting out their cars and kids running out of the house to greet each other. It was a weird feeling.  It was almost surreal. I observed this is how functional people live and I did not know how to break into or get accepted into that type of world.



 

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi Please help,

I can so identify with what you are saying about viewing other families's warmth,  acceptance,  stabilty and love and observing that they appeared to take it for granted,  didn't question it where I was mesmerised looking on... .For me airports were particularly painful places to pass through as the world appeared to be so full of people who had other people who loved them,  cared for them,  wept for them,  would miss them or were truimphant at seeing them on their return... .We didn't holiday as kids,  these observations happened for me as an young adult daring myself to travel alone out into the big bad world,  to try to compensate myself for missed opportunities,  the side effect of witnessing love in action I was unprepared for psychologically.  I had wanted to go somewhere so I could tell people when asked that I had been on 'holidays'... .There I was bravely going it alone,  still I was alone... .Didn't have the foggiest idea how to get a group of people together to do anything or how to be okay in one... .Story of my Life off by myself and getting rudely awakened to how different my experience was/is from the majority... .

Apologies if I'm rambling your sharing has brought up so many feelings for me.  Thank you

[Sunfl0wer]

Do you still feel that you are 'different' than 'normal' people?

How are you alike?

Well, I asked if you still feel different, however, how you feel different is an interesting thought.

While I do envy seeing the happy and smiling faces of their large and loving family, I also realize they live within boundaries as they have to be mainstream and cannot do unique things. They cannot pursue an odd career in music, art or start a business at a young age. The reason is there are certain social norms one must adhere to. I have taken eccentric approaches to my career. This had brought some success and some failure (probably more failure - ha,ha)

Living in different parts of the country and world is also something we can do as again we do not adhere to the social norms of a stable family and society in general.

It has been a while, I recall similar thoughts when I was younger.  I recall thoughts of people hugging at airports, or even just seeing kids at a grocery store that trust the love of their parents enough to act out... .knowing mom or dad will still love them.

Now I actually wonder if they are really happy and I don't trust that I actually can judge and determine that what they are displaying is genuine, it could be, but I have also seen a pedophile lovingly hug his daughter goodbye.  

I also have thought about the differences in pressure to adhere to certain 'norms.' I think this is a neat point because it is something I think of a lot during holidays.  I mostly do not have a family to spend time with.  I can be sad for myself... . or grateful.  I choose to think like you do about being free in a way others may not be.  Most others are off complaining of stress of the expectations of the season and how it did not go as planned.  I enjoy that no one expects anything of me, I feel free for this.  I do not feel obligated.  I literally do what I want on the holiday's, can treat it like any other day if I wish, or I can get invited to a friends and 'adopted' for the day, or what I usually do... . I make it a 'Me' day and find a way to self nurture at home... .something I wanted to do but never got around to, like painting.  I don't

envy the stress others endure around holidays that have big families.

It sounds like you have found much freedom in your creative interests by not being tied.

Oh, another thing... . When I feel like dating, there will be no family drama... . No pull to come to my families' house for the event and such.  Things will be simpler.

So when I think of how I am alike... .

I think of how humanity in general is alike... .

We all have pain, want to feel important, want to feel loved, appreciated, respected.  When devastating things happen, we hurt.  Sometimes thinking of this makes me shrink my invisible boundary to 'normals.'

Other times I think of other countries to put my life in perspective... .

Sure, it is easy to compare myself to what I easily see around me... . People with fancy houses, or cars, or clothes, etc.  What about comparing ourselves to people starving, living in war countries, living in constant fear because their town was raped and destroyed?  Sometimes when I feel sad that I did not have it good enough, I think to myself... .Compared to who?

[Please help]

Do you still feel that you are 'different' than 'normal' people?

How are you alike?

Well, I asked if you still feel different, however, how you feel different is an interesting thought.

While I do envy seeing the happy and smiling faces of their large and loving family, I also realize they live within boundaries as they have to be mainstream and cannot do unique things. They cannot pursue an odd career in music, art or start a business at a young age. The reason is there are certain social norms one must adhere to. I have taken eccentric approaches to my career. This had brought some success and some failure (probably more failure - ha,ha)

Living in different parts of the country and world is also something we can do as again we do not adhere to the social norms of a stable family and society in general.

It has been a while, I recall similar thoughts when I was younger.  I recall thoughts of people hugging at airports, or even just seeing kids at a grocery store that trust the love of their parents enough to act out... .knowing mom or dad will still love them.

Now I actually wonder if they are really happy and I don't trust that I actually can judge and determine that what they are displaying is genuine, it could be, but I have also seen a pedophile lovingly hug his daughter goodbye.  

I also have thought about the differences in pressure to adhere to certain 'norms.' I think this is a neat point because it is something I think of a lot during holidays.  I mostly do not have a family to spend time with.  I can be sad for myself... . or grateful.  I choose to think like you do about being free in a way others may not be.  Most others are off complaining of stress of the expectations of the season and how it did not go as planned.  I enjoy that no one expects anything of me, I feel free for this.  I do not feel obligated.  I literally do what I want on the holiday's, can treat it like any other day if I wish, or I can get invited to a friends and 'adopted' for the day, or what I usually do... . I make it a 'Me' day and find a way to self nurture at home... .something I wanted to do but never got around to, like painting.  I don't

envy the stress others endure around holidays that have big families.

It sounds like you have found much freedom in your creative interests by not being tied.

Oh, another thing... . When I feel like dating, there will be no family drama... . No pull to come to my families' house for the event and such.  Things will be simpler.

So when I think of how I am alike... .

I think of how humanity in general is alike... .

We all have pain, want to feel important, want to feel loved, appreciated, respected.  When devastating things happen, we hurt.  Sometimes thinking of this makes me shrink my invisible boundary to 'normals.'

Other times I think of other countries to put my life in perspective... .

Sure, it is easy to compare myself to what I easily see around me... . People with fancy houses, or cars, or clothes, etc.  What about comparing ourselves to people starving, living in war countries, living in constant fear because their town was raped and destroyed?  Sometimes when I feel sad that I did not have it good enough, I think to myself... .Compared to who?

Assuming you live in a developed nation, you are correct we really have nothing to complain about. I think (as I have said before) we really have much more insight into our souls due to harsh treatment. I am sure the people we envied - suburban home, loving parents, etc. had issues they thought were just as bad as ours. Mom & dad give them a really old car at 16 not a new one like their friend. They cannot afford high school trip or have to go to a state school. This makes them feel inadequate.

Whereas, people like us look at orphans in refugee camps and feel sad for them but at the same time grateful it's not us. I have had enough experience in life to know not everyone has sincere empathy. I think the more you grow up with, the less time you spend in reflection. I like my empathy as it makes me understand people better. I have looked at facebook a few times to see how some of these "normal" people turned out in life. Most are heavily into sports, drinking, and watching TV. They discuss the drama of tv shows with each other and make plans to go out and drink. Several complain about personal problems i.e divorce , etc and let everyone chime in with support. It's amazing, I used to look at these people as having it all while I lived in a rooming house at 18 and now I see them as being so weak.

I am not saying they are better or worse as a person than I am. I am just saying they seem to live as though there has not been much pain in their lives. They would describe me as eccentric.

Most of the people on here who survived are really good people with colorful personalities ( in a good way). Going through the meat grinder as a child and coming out on top is one hell of an accomplishment.

Yesterday my childhood friend said to me how impressed he was that I survived what I did. He comes from a good family that was a bit of a surrogate for me growing up.

I think we should all compliment ourselves  for the amazing strength we have.   

[Please help]

I always learn so much from you folks , thanks. I started giving real thoughts to my fantasies that enabled me to survive all these years. Although the scenarios may differ, there are always common themes.

My father is a well-respected and good man who I loved a great deal. - The reality was he is a junkie and a scumbag who tried to have me arrested when I was caring for his elderly mother after her stroke. He got out of jail and could not access her money so he alleged I was abusing her. He even fabricated evidence. No charges were ever filed.

I have some mother figure. This is usually the woman in this fictional family. She can see the good in me and knows how loving and loyal I am to her and her family. We are close but not weird.

There is always a large extended family / close friends in my fantasy worlds as well as close ties to a city I moved in and out of growing up. The reality is I had little family as everyone was so dysfunctional (generations)  they all hated each other. I lived in this town until I was 8 or 9 then moved away and came back from 13-15. I moved back at 18 and left for good at 22. I knew some people but not many. Many of my fantasies involved this town as it was the closest to a hometown.

I am almost crying while writing this as I just learned so much about myself. I thank you all for your feedback.

It's so obvious now. I was fantasizing about having a good man for a father, a wise and loving mother and extended family in a town that I have roots in ( cousins down the street, etc).

  It almost seems natural for one to fantasize about these basic necessities (Maslow's Hierarchy) if you are lacking them. 

Thanks again

[hergestridge]

I sure lived in a fantasty world. Had all those hero/rescue dreams too. I was a foster child and I felt I had to be something really extraordinary in order to qualify, to be one of the normal kids. To be a proper son.

I remember we had a dog. I asked my parents how long he was going to live. They told me that when a dog gets old it will be put to sleep. I imagined I would be put to sleep too when/if I became a burden. A recurring dream was that I was dragged down into the basement by my foster parents and down there was something that was going to put me to seep (ie kill me).

It's fundamental to who I am that I feel the need to be something out of the ordinary. Mediocrity and un-originality is lethal. It's death. I still envy the people who always felt they were in the right place and felt loved just the way they were.

[Please help]

Yes, I was always a hero as well. I guess it was the only was people would like us or see some good in us. We had to save them somehow.

This fantasy world was such an integral part of my life, I actually feel as though I am closing a door. As we heal and get more understanding about what the hell happened to us, it's good to celebrate the breakthroughs. 

[Please help]

I am still in somewhat shock over my breakthrough. Ever since I could remember, I lived in a fantasy world and now I know why. The most simple of things like meeting a girl and bringing her to my "fantasy family mother" where the three of us have a light lunch and talk. The girl would see I have social proof / surrogate family and she would be okay with it.

I was ( as well as many of us) deprived of very basic human relationships at a young age. So I created them in my head.

Both my parents had BPD mothers. Both those mothers were still supportive to their kid's. They both hated me as I was born out of a teenage pregnancy - statutory rape.  I was to blame for ruining their kid's lives.

Neither blamed their own kid or even the other (my other) parent. It all came down on me. My father's mother called my rape baby and my mother's mother said so many men came in and out her daughter's life (my mother) she was unable to be a mother to me and I was a jerk for criticizing my mother.

I see now BPD can protect their own kid's but can view grandchildren as the enemy. I remember my father's mother telling me in tears that she told her son not to put his name on my birth certificate. I had to live with her when he was in jail and she would lock me out and blame me for his incarceration. 

I feel as though I am outgrowing living in a fantasy world. It no longer suits me. Maybe this is part of the healing process.

[lm1109]

Im so sorry for what you went through. I still find myself going there in my head at times. From a very very young age I suffered from horrible insomnia. I would worry myself sick about my mom and our situation and then I would lay there and dream things up in my head to stop the worrying. As sick as it is, rather than a hero, I would often dream up myself as seriously sick or hurt and think... then they would run to me and feel sorry for how horrible they treated me. That makes me so sad to even think about... how bad it must have been for me to think that way! As I got older my fantasies no longer involved them at all. I fantasized about a much better version of myself. I still at times do. Its an escape because I suppose I still believe Im not "that better person" fully yet. Im not super outgoing and as a kid I was painfully shy. Who wouldnt be that was bullied by thier own mother? I remember in school daydreaming so much I would miss whole lessons. Not even know what the teacher was talking about, which obviously resulted in poor grades. I couldnt stand to be in reality. My reality was an anxious sick world. When I allow my mother into my life I find myself using these mechanisms again. When I have long lapses of time without her it less and less. I would like to know though for those of you who have successfully stopped this escape, how did you do it? Was it a conscious decision?