Saw her photo today - how can someone so beautiful be so disturbed

[hopealways]

Today is 8 months exactly of NC for me.  I was flipping through my phone and I ran across a photo of her which I took 2.5 years ago.  It literally took my breath away, I felt like she was there.  So beautiful yet so troubled was my ex.  That is the paradox. We grow up believing beauty=perfection but it's not, not even close, usually it's quite the opposite.  

The photo I took the night she came back after her numerous recycles. I remember those nights. They were preceded by a text of "how are you" or "I miss you" which was like a shot of emotional heroin deep inside my veins. She would then come over. Just seeing her felt like I was gifted the world. Oh, the borderline relationship. It is such a fantasy: the highest of highs, the greatest falls.  It really is like heroin, maybe even much better, and way more addictive and destructive.

Writing this reminds me I was addicted to her. I created a fantasy of her which she never asked me to create. I created it because of my own core wounds.  I needed that fantasy.  :)oesn't excuse her horrific behavior, but that is who she was, often horrific, always draped in a beautiful veil.

I really miss my ex. I still wonder if I will ever run across her.  Sometimes when I am out I feel like she may be near, somewhere.  But I persevere, I stay committed to NC, that is the only way I can survive and grow.

[Turkish]

Today is 8 months exactly of NC for me.  I was flipping through my phone and I ran across a photo of her which I took 2.5 years ago.  It literally took my breath away, I felt like she was there.  So beautiful yet so troubled was my ex.  That is the paradox. We grow up believing beauty=perfection but it's not, not even close, usually it's quite the opposite.  

I think you touched upon it there. Turn it around: how can someone be so physically lacking, but be so beautiful? We:be all run into them in real life. "Personality goes a long way."

I'm fairly constant,.not compartmentalized. Seeing my Ex at a school event,.looking pretty in business casual, when less than a week before she called me sobbing, was jarring. Unless we're blind, our eyes are our primary senses, perhaps direct windows to the heart. "If thy right eye offends thee, pluck it out."

It's not necessary to take it so literally, but losing an eye (only one, not to be completely blind) for a bit to validate our minds may be a good idea from time to time. It sounds like you're making good progress on detaching 

[blackbirdsong]

Today is 8 months exactly of NC for me.  I was flipping through my phone and I ran across a photo of her which I took 2.5 years ago.  It literally took my breath away, I felt like she was there.  So beautiful yet so troubled was my ex.  That is the paradox. We grow up believing beauty=perfection but it's not, not even close, usually it's quite the opposite.  

The photo I took the night she came back after her numerous recycles. I remember those nights. They were preceded by a text of "how are you" or "I miss you" which was like a shot of emotional heroin deep inside my veins. She would then come over. Just seeing her felt like I was gifted the world. Oh, the borderline relationship. It is such a fantasy: the highest of highs, the greatest falls.  It really is like heroin, maybe even much better, and way more addictive and destructive.

Writing this reminds me I was addicted to her. I created a fantasy of her which she never asked me to create. I created it because of my own core wounds.  I needed that fantasy.  :)oesn't excuse her horrific behavior, but that is who she was, often horrific, always draped in a beautiful veil.

I really miss my ex. I still wonder if I will ever run across her.  Sometimes when I am out I feel like she may be near, somewhere.  But I persevere, I stay committed to NC, that is the only way I can survive and grow.

I snapped today also. As I already mentioned, my exGF is celebrity in my country and she is often on TV. I saw her, giving an interview. She looked really beautiful, she even had earrings that I gave her.

You know that quote from The Godfather: "Just when I thought I was out... .they pull me back in".

This is my story. I progress very well, several months have passed after I left but the fact that she bumps from different channels (TV, Internet) makes things not so easy.

And yes, I had the same feeling... .She looks so happy, confident, sweet, desirable... .

But now I am aware that this is a mask... .I am not saying this to comfort myself, it is a fact, the same is with us. We can also talk to our friends, family - but the hole inside of us is still there. It doesn't go away overnight.

[gotbushels]

Good drugs analogy. I like how similar it is to how the object can ruin a person, not feel like it's ruining them, and not find out until it's too late. It's just a packet of drugs. Except this packet of drugs can talk, look sexy, and come to find you. Then somehow makes you the fault for everything. Then screws you, screws families, screws careers, screws your life. No, not that way. Oh wait. They might screw colleagues and your friends. Then, the packet of drugs tries to make you think it's okay that she screwed those men. Then tries to have sex with you. In fact, "Now it's your fault!" But, it's just a packet of drugs. Except this packet of drugs can talk, look sexy, and come to find you... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think that for these disordered individuals, they grew up learning that being a "pack of drugs" was the only way they could feel loved.  They were rejected for being themselves, so getting other people "high" on them is how they find acceptance and security.  Of course, every drug only works so well until the user loses interest and needs a higher dose.  The pwBPD senses this and that is when they move on, either abandoning you or finding a new person to get "high" off from them.  I don't think it's malicious on their part.  I think it's really what they have learned to equate with love.  Beauty is just part of the package, then, another way that they can get you high.  My ex was fairly unattractive, but I'm sure he would have loved to be handsome and charming too.  If he were better looking, quite frankly, he'd probably have snared a replacement by now.  It's seven months on and he still appears to be alone, favoring the explanation that all the women he meets are simply crazy.

[C.Stein]

I feel in today's society we all place too much weight on outward appearance and are blind to who a person truly is inside.  If we all try to see people for who they truly are and not how they look then we will all be better off.

[Fr4nz]

I think that for these disordered individuals, they grew up learning that being a "pack of drugs" was the only way they could feel loved.  They were rejected for being themselves, so getting other people "high" on them is how they find acceptance and security.  Of course, every drug only works so well until the user loses interest and needs a higher dose.  The pwBPD senses this and that is when they move on, either abandoning you or finding a new person to get "high" off from them.  I don't think it's malicious on their part.  I think it's really what they have learned to equate with love.  Beauty is just part of the package, then, another way that they can get you high.

Haha, spot-on GEM!

Today is the day you are distributing little "pills of wisdom"

[JerryRG]

My ex had every physical quality I so longed for all my life, she was stunning and I often told her she could model. She is breathtaking to me and I would love to just look into her eyes for hours, she was perfect... .in every way.

She often quoted that she despised pretty women who were b******s just because they had good looks they still need to be good people. My ex would actually become upset when complimenting her. I truly believe she sees a whole different person in her mirror than others do. As in

The term "narcissism" comes from theGreek myth of Νάρκισσος, or in Latin Narcissus, a handsome Greek youth who rejected according to Ovid the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. These advances eventually led Narcissus to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... .

Oops beholder... .my bad

Enjoy

[HarleypsychRN]

Hopealways,

What a touching post, the pain must have been greater after each recycle. There's someone out loving and caring out there for you. Keep your heart open. We understand what you went through.

One of the things that keeps the hook in the non-BPD is the thought that no one will ever be as beautiful, sexy... .(fill in the blank) as my ex-BPD. THAT is the thing that keeps us addicted. You/we must not engage in that thinking.

[WoundedBibi]

Apart from us thinking we will never find someone that is so ... .(fill in blank) ever again, I think C.Stein has a very good point. We (the world) are too focussed on the outside. If beauty is a sliding scale with a top model (angelic, whatever your ideal is) look at one end and the hunchback of the Notredame look at the other end, we all think that the more top model a person looks the nicer, smarter, sweeter, lovelier etc that person is and the more hunchback the look is the more they must be dumb, lazy, stupid, unagreeable, evil etc. We all think we can recognise the creeps because ugly on the inside must show on the outside. And one thing has nothing to do with the other.

[eeks]

Apart from us thinking we will never find someone that is so ... .(fill in blank) ever again, I think C.Stein has a very good point. We (the world) are too focussed on the outside. If beauty is a sliding scale with a top model (angelic, whatever your ideal is) look at one end and the hunchback of the Notredame look at the other end, we all think that the more top model a person looks the nicer, smarter, sweeter, lovelier etc that person is and the more hunchback the look is the more they must be dumb, lazy, stupid, unagreeable, evil etc. We all think we can recognise the creeps because ugly on the inside must show on the outside. And one thing has nothing to do with the other.

I used to think I was attracted to men because they were, well, attractive.  Then, I realized that most of the men I was more than just physically attracted to, but immediately drawn to upon first meeting, tend to be highly intelligent with a mood disorder.  And so often "that guy all the girls think is hot" I would not be into him, he wasn't my type.  The men I'm attracted to do tend to have attractive physical traits, yes, but I bet some women would not be as drawn to them as I was/am.

The point I am trying to make here is that attraction is complex.  Furthermore, some of our gorgeous exes might have others who are physically attracted to them, but they don't start a relationship with them... .they don't feel the interest, or there's an unease... .and they may not be able even themselves to identify in words why that is.  If you believe that people tend to choose mates at the same level of emotional differentiation as themselves (https://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/multigenerational-transmission-process/) then this might make sense. 

And so I don't think the answer is necessarily "don't put so much emphasis on looks" (although pop culture is really destructive in this regard), but rather to develop our own emotional self-awareness so that we're "attracted to healthy", so to speak.  And I don't mean to imply that that's a solo effort... .post here and get support, see a therapist, friends, even dating with a self-awareness mindset. 

[WoundedBibi]

Very interesting article, eeks!

I have the same attraction pattern you have, I just noticed an emphasis on the beauty here "beautiful but disturbed? How is that possible?" Well because the 2 don't necessarily relate to eachother. The choices we (or anybody else) make in regards to mates are definitely complex. Looks are only a part of that, for some a larger part than for others. The two points don't exclude eachother though: our choice for mates is complex (and goes beyond looks) & beautiful people can be just as disturbed as ugly ones.

[C.Stein]

And so I don't think the answer is necessarily "don't put so much emphasis on looks" (although pop culture is really destructive in this regard), but rather to develop our own emotional self-awareness so that we're "attracted to healthy", so to speak.

This is a good point and I feel it is important for us here to identify why we are attracted to people who are unhealthy for us.  As with you, for me there is the physical (animal/chemical) attraction but there is also a deeper attraction (emotional/mental/energy) with people I have been involved with for extended periods.   

I can be physically attracted to many different people but the deeper attraction does not occur very often.  This deeper attraction can occur without even knowing the person.  If we can ferret out the causes of this deeper attraction by looking at our relationships now (and past) then when faced with this type of attraction again we can more easily identify the reasons why it is occurring and we can then make decisions from a logical mind not an emotional one. 

[WoundedBibi]

I have the same; that instant attraction beyond chemical without even knowing someone. I call it "the wounded soul recognising the wounded soul". For now I haven't come up with a better defence plan than if I am instantly attracted like that again to a guy, to just walk away knowing it can only mean for me he is a bad match.

For now. Hopefully after more digging and repairing at some point in the future I might fall for someone healthier. It probably will not be instantaneous or completely head over heels, but it would be healthier. A friend of mine actually had this happen, after several abusive relationships she choose a completely different type of guy. She wasn't completely head over heels from the get go. After years they are still together though. Even if every now and again she thinks "so... .this is it?" as she is used to the high of being in love with BPDs and this love is not causing a high.