3 weeks after the break-up: doubts

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It's been 3 weeks today that I flew away from home and broke up with my non-diagnosed BPD BF.

And I have doubts. I could not maintain the NC I wished. I blocked his phone number, so no calls and no text messages. But a lot of emails. Of course, we had to talk because he had to look for an place to live and we had to discuss about things related to the house.

However, he is moving out Wednesday morning and I wanted to start NC as of this day.

I am not sure I will be able to do it.

And I saw my ex last Saturday for an hour (1st time we spoke to each other since I left) and he really wants us to get back together in a while as he started a T and he is working on his issues.

I also saw his son which I am missing a lot and I got out of that with doubts.

Then, yesterday, I was confident with my decision of leaving him. But today, it is another day. I have doubts. The famous "what if" I have overused for the last 3 years with him. What if the T would really help? What if he would finally respect me more?

I speak to a T myself this Friday ( from my employer's employee assistance program) and I will search for one in my neighbourhood today for a mid-term help. I need to sort my feelings out.

What do you think?

[Isa_lala]

It's been 3 weeks today that I flew away from home and broke up with my non-diagnosed BPD BF.

And I have doubts. I could not maintain the NC I wished. I blocked his phone number, so no calls and no text messages. But a lot of emails. Of course, we had to talk because he had to look for an place to live and we had to discuss about things related to the house.

However, he is moving out Wednesday morning and I wanted to start NC as of this day.

I am not sure I will be able to do it.

And I saw my ex last Saturday for an hour (1st time we spoke to each other since I left) and he really wants us to get back together in a while as he started a T and he is working on his issues.

I also saw his son which I am missing a lot and I got out of that with doubts.

Then, yesterday, I was confident with my decision of leaving him. But today, it is another day. I have doubts. The famous "what if" I have overused for the last 3 years with him. What if the T would really help? What if he would finally respect me more?

I speak to a T myself this Friday ( from my employer's employee assistance program) and I will search for one in my neighbourhood today for a mid-term help. I need to sort my feelings out.

What do you think?

[hurtinchicago]

I read your post and feel glad that my own relationship with my BPD gf did not go on, as it did, for years, but rather, ended after only months. I was in therapy the entire time, and supposedly, so was my gf, but looking back, I have to wonder. NC is probably your best course of action, but each case is different, and we naturally want to believe that if we just try one more time... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I need to sort my feelings out.

Yes, good idea.  You can find many stories here about exes who ran to therapy in a desperate attempt to be someone their partner wants them to be to get them back, and it doesn't take long for the relationship to revert back to the way it was.  Some of those adventures may have worked and someone just disappears from this site because they've found bliss, we'll never know.

But really, therapy for a borderline is not a cure, although it can help, and in any case it's long term, it can take years to notice progress.  So the good news is you have time.  It's great that you are also seeing a therapist Isa, and 3 weeks isn't long at all, especially after a long relationship.  I'd say give it some time, get back in your house, create some normal, don't communicate with him for a while, say 6 months at least, and then, should you still feel the way you do then and he's made progress, maybe you could start talking, from a different place where you're both wiser and have grown.

In the meantime, it's helpful to make a list of all the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated in the relationship, and the list will grow as you remember things, and then focus on that list at times like this, knowing it would likely be like that again, once he gets you back and doesn't feel the pressure anymore.  Actually it's usually worse because you've already abandoned him once, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, and that usually shows up as more extreme behaviors.

Take care of you!

[sweetheart]

I think how you are feeling is very understandable, and yes you are right you are still in the very early stages of what all this means. Some days will be easier than others, some days like today will be hard and you will doubt your decision.

Leaving these types of relationships can cause feelings of much confusion and doubt. For many who decide to leave they do so because they have to, to protect themselves from all that this illness can bring to bear on a relationship. Not because they no longer love the person.


What you are doing, the decision you took to leave is a positive decision that protects you from further dysregulated behaviours. It will keep you safe and protect you while you spend time focusing on your needs and future well-being.

It is positive that your ex is starting his own T, but you know that he has a lot of work to do and it is too soon to tell whether he can commit to this. And in your heart you probably know that you may never be able to get answers to the questions you ask, and being left in a position of not knowing, is very painful.

I'm sorry Isa_lala that it's tough at the moment, you made a life changing decision that put your needs first, but you spent a long time putting someone else's needs first and adjusting to taking care of yourself may take some time to get used to.  

It's good to hear that you have a T, this will help you start to sort through your feelings and begin to process what has happened.

[Isa_lala]

I need to sort my feelings out.

Yes, good idea.  You can find many stories here about exes who ran to therapy in a desperate attempt to be someone their partner wants them to be to get them back, and it doesn't take long for the relationship to revert back to the way it was.  Some of those adventures may have worked and someone just disappears from this site because they've found bliss, we'll never know.

But really, therapy for a borderline is not a cure, although it can help, and in any case it's long term, it can take years to notice progress.  So the good news is you have time.  It's great that you are also seeing a therapist Isa, and 3 weeks isn't long at all, especially after a long relationship.  I'd say give it some time, get back in your house, create some normal, don't communicate with him for a while, say 6 months at least, and then, should you still feel the way you do then and he's made progress, maybe you could start talking, from a different place where you're both wiser and have grown.

In the meantime, it's helpful to make a list of all the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated in the relationship, and the list will grow as you remember things, and then focus on that list at times like this, knowing it would likely be like that again, once he gets you back and doesn't feel the pressure anymore.  Actually it's usually worse because you've already abandoned him once, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, and that usually shows up as more extreme behaviors.

Take care of you!

6 months? Are you serious?

I knew I could get good advice here.

Reading your posts made me cry, but that s part of the grieving process I think.

I know that all what you said is sadly truth

[fromheeltoheal]

6 months? Are you serious?

I knew I could get good advice here.

Yup, after a 2 year relationship it will take at least that long to emotionally disconnect.  Everyone's different, but my relationship was about a year, and it took a year after that to be emotionally out.  The point is there's no way to make rational decisions about him when you've still got strong emotions.

Now some here would disagree, some say it's better to detach while having some kind of limited contact.  For me, no one who treats me the way she did is allowed in my life anymore, but that's me.

Reading your posts made me cry, but that s part of the grieving process I think.

I know that all what you said is sadly truth

Yes, and crying is what pain leaving feels like.  Hang in there Isa, you're doing great, just don't make any big decisions about him right now, except that he needs to get out of your house and you don't want to be with him right now.  That's good enough for today.  Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

6 months? Are you serious?

I knew I could get good advice here.

Yup, after a 2 year relationship it will take at least that long to emotionally disconnect.  Everyone's different, but my relationship was about a year, and it took a year after that to be emotionally out.  The point is there's no way to make rational decisions about him when you've still got strong emotions.

Now some here would disagree, some say it's better to detach while having some kind of limited contact.  For me, no one who treats me the way she did is allowed in my life anymore, but that's me.

Reading your posts made me cry, but that s part of the grieving process I think.

I know that all what you said is sadly truth

Yes, and crying is what pain leaving feels like.  Hang in there Isa, you're doing great, just don't make any big decisions about him right now, except that he needs to get out of your house and you don't want to be with him right now.  That's good enough for today.  Take care of you!

Thank you. Yes, I still have to take one day at the time. The NC will be the hardiest part. I don't even know how I would handle it as he won't give up easily... .

[fromheeltoheal]

The NC will be the hardiest part. I don't even know how I would handle it as he won't give up easily... .

Did you make that list yet?  What's the first thing on it?

[Isa_lala]

The NC will be the hardiest part. I don't even know how I would handle it as he won't give up easily... .

Did you make that list yet?  What's the first thing on it?

No, I haven't. But the first thing that comes to my mind is the lack of respect. From ugly names he used to not respecting my opinions. Not respecting who I am because of his fears.

[fromheeltoheal]

The NC will be the hardiest part. I don't even know how I would handle it as he won't give up easily... .

Did you make that list yet?  What's the first thing on it?

No, I haven't. But the first thing that comes to my mind is the lack of respect. From ugly names he used to not respecting my opinions. Not respecting who I am because of his fears.

Good!  And you don't want to be disrespected anymore, yes?  What's the next thing on the list?

[Isa_lala]

His lack of trust in me, and jealousy

His anger outbursts

His negative critics on everything and everyone

His tendency to be controlling

His narrowness of mind

The list is not finished... .

[fromheeltoheal]

The list is not finished... .

Good for you Isa.  The list will grow as you remember things, and you can put it somewhere you'll see it all the time, to help you keep your focus where you want it as you go through the mixed feelings and process the emotions.

[Isa_lala]

Hello everybody

I have not written for a few days. I am back at work today after a 3-week sick leave.

The last 2 days of my leave didn’t go as expected. My ex-BF was supposed to have his furniture moved out on Tuesday and was supposed to leave my house on Wednesday morning because he had the delivery of his appliances at his new place.

He offered me to come back on Tuesday night so we could spend the evening together. I first said no, then yes, then no again to finally say yes and I moved back to my place on Tuesday afternoon with my son. My ex-BF had his son with him so our 2 guys were so happy to be together again.

The entire evening, I thought that I shouldn’t have said yes in the first place but I stayed because of the boys and because I wanted to have the chance to end properly the relationship.

In fact, because his apartment is not livable, he is staying with me the all week and I helped him on Tuesday and Wednesday to “depack” a little bit. I told him that we will finish everything this weekend so he could start living there by Monday. I told him I need some time alone in my place.

He is still in love with me and doesn’t want to lose me and he really thinks that we could work the things out and succeed in getting back together. But it is not what I want and I told him that I am not in love as much as I have been during the last 3 years and that I don’t love him enough to give us another chance, that I don’t want to go back together.

But these enter in one ear and go out from the other ear…. But I will keep repeating and repeating the same message.

I just want to be alone at home to get some emotional rest. Too bad for him if he doesn’t understand. He will be pushy, I know, because he says that being separated means the end for our r/s. I think we need to go our way by ourselves and we will see what life brings us.

I felt guilty to be with him in my house again but I made the peace with me. I keep in mind what I really want in my life and I will follow the direction I want my life to take. Whatever he could do.

[Isa_lala]

What will be difficult is that he doesn’t see the situation as a break up. For him, he is moving out because he is convinced that it will be better for him and me, but thinks that we will keep seeing each other.

As long as he is in my place, I don’t say much even if I told him that I don’t want to go back together and that I am not in love anymore with him.

When I will start the NC or the MC (minimum contacts) I will keep to remain strong. I will have to repeat the same thing again and again and again until he understands: we are not getting back together, I need some time alone without any contact and we will see in a few months from now how he and I will have evolved in our head and our heart. But I expect that to be challenging

At least he knows that I don’t feel love for him. He simply hopes that I will be in love with him again….

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Isa-

I felt guilty to be with him in my house again but I made the peace with me. I keep in mind what I really want in my life and I will follow the direction I want my life to take. Whatever he could do.

Does it seem to you that he procrastinated a little on purpose, so he'd be with you for a few days and could maybe convince you to get back together?  Seems possible to me.  Anyway, good for you for staying strong with your plans, and hopefully it goes smoothly and he actually does move out on Monday.  Some say it's actually better to detach while staying in limited contact, less drama that way, just depends if you can stay strong and grounded as you move through the process.  Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

It is possible that he planned this. Because he bought a bed but has not made it delivered yet because he doesn’t have any place to put it for the moment (too many boxes)

He probably thought that it was not that important as he could stay at my place. But I was clear with him and he really needs to be out on Monday if not I will sing a different tune!

It is right that he knew he could not have any control on me if he was not to see me. And he “works” hard on trying to make me change my mind. He is the man I have always dreamed of… 

but for how long? I am not a fool.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you Isa.  Stay strong!

[Isa_lala]

Hello

Here are some news from me: my ex-bf is still living in my house. We will be working in his apartment this weekend so he could move in Monday.

Last night, I had a girls night with women from my office and I enjoyed it. I am already planning activities with friends for the Easter weekend.

I am looking forward to live my life by myself, for myself and my kid. Very looking forward!

[WoundedBibi]

Sounds really good! Keep moving in the right direction for you!

Just one thing... .he SHOULD move out if your house Monday at the latest. According to me anyway. He was supposed to be out some time ago already... So not COULD but SHOULD 

[lingering]

Hi Isa and all,

This is very helpful.  My relationship was 6+ years.  I left about 3 weeks ago also 2/28/16.  There is no way in hell I will go back.  He calls, I don't answer but am obsessed with what the message he left says.  Gah!  I worry and worry about him.  I guess it is about trusting God.  Not my job.  First thing on my l iist is the raging and negativity... .the chaos... .the spewing hate... .it just robbed my soul.  I am having fun setting up my new home, my new life.  So incredibly grateful I found this site when I was in such torturous pain and felt so stuck.  It set me free.

Good luck Isa.  You can have a real life back. 

[Isa_lala]

He was supposed to leave today, but he is not ready (arrrrg)

I said that we will reach an agreement: he stays tonight but stays at his place as of tomorrow

He knows that I will go LC or NC as soon as he leaves my place so he procrastinates

I am nice enough to let him stay tonight but that's it. That is the farest I can go

And this long Easter weekend, I am not planning to see him even if he will beg me to see each other

I am just fed up of how I feel when in contact with him!

[Isa_lala]

Lingering, I am not at the stage that I feel relief

I  am too involved for the moment

It is so mental energy consuming !