Dealing with my pwBPD both triggers and calms my emotional flashbacks.

[misuniadziubek]

I've read all I can about BPD and how to deal with partners with BPD. And it would be logical and make sense and probably eventually work really well, because many parts of our relationship have improved tremendously with increased self-awareness on both our parts.

But I have complex PTSD. And I never quite realised just how intense it is. I've read parts of the book by Pete Walker, but I've had to do it in very small chunks because it's a very hard pill to swallow.

I've worked on myself in so many ways. I've cured some of the love addiction and codependency I had, I've found ways to better cope with my anxiety, I've learned to be more independent and can honestly say I'm far less fearful than I used to be.

When I'm alone.

And yet, I'm still triggered by so many things constantly.

I now realise that my partner never really traumatized me. His behavior has been plenty abusive in the past, but my reaction has never quite been relative to the situation. He was triggering me reliving certain situations in my past. The way he talks when he's angry is very much identical to how my mother used to talk to me as a child when she was angry. Except as a child I'd retreat and freeze up. I had nowhere to go. In this case, I'm an adult and I have plenty of ways to defend myself, but my defenses are useless because even defending myself, JADE-ing so-to-speak sends me into an intense flashback.

I've been trying to figure it out consciously for a good couple of weeks now. I realise that I'm experiencing something from the past. But now after reading through the book, I realise it's exclusively emotional flashbacks, and they've been getting worse. And every single altercation with my boyfriend recently pushes me into it.

It's hard to use any skills at all when my brain goes super emotional every other moment when I'm around him.

He tells me that we can''t go on a date to a specific place because something came up, I fall apart for a good 30 minutes. And eventually I realise that it's  And he doesn't understand it. He can't fathom why I start crying over everything lately.  

I'm honestly not sure if I'm capable of being around him anymore.

It's become an amalgam of his abusive behaviors and past experiences, and I can't really tell them apart anymore. It's rare anymore that I can rationally handle a situation and act accordingly.

Oddly enough, a good year and a half ago, I proposed a solution that when we are fighting, that he hug me, no matter what. I didn't realise that it worked because the  close physical contact pulled me out of emotional flashbacks.

It's not just him either. I did a workshop on mindfulness meditation a year ago, and after about 3 weeks of daily meditations, the flashbacks became that much more intense, it's like I opened a can of worms and everything started coming up to the surface. I was nearly suicidal at times and even resorted to self-harm. Fear of rejection, abandonment, like there was no end in sight to my inner state.

I used to dissociate as a coping mechanism. Probably since I was 4 years old. 90% of the time when I was around other people, I'd freeze up and zone out completely. After I started doing the meditations, I found that I stopped dissociating as much and started to actually experience life more in the moment. That was great, except that I'm starting to think that all the dissociation kept me sane. Afterwards, I started recognizing the trauma and abuse I experienced as a kid, started having very distinct memories of emotions and experiences I had suppressed, they would come up in my mind as I was experiencing similar circumstances.

I'm a very intelligent, skilled, independent person who is plagued by excessive reactions and anxiety to everything and numbing out is no longer an option. I fall apart and sob and freeze up and want so badly to dissociate.

It's ironic because so much of this has similarities with borderline, especially when I'm around him. When I was reading loving someone with borderline, I was surprised how much my childhood experiences and environment were similar to those of my boyfriend's. I don't lash out at people and I can empathize with someone even in the moment and I'm not particularly rationally scared of abandonment, but in my emotional flashbacks I am terrified of it.

My go-to problem is anxiety and depression. I am more confused than ever.

[eeks]

Hi misuniadziubek,

I now realise that my partner never really traumatized me. His behavior has been plenty abusive in the past, but my reaction has never quite been relative to the situation. He was triggering me reliving certain situations in my past. The way he talks when he's angry is very much identical to how my mother used to talk to me as a child when she was angry. Except as a child I'd retreat and freeze up. I had nowhere to go. In this case, I'm an adult and I have plenty of ways to defend myself, but my defenses are useless because even defending myself, JADE-ing so-to-speak sends me into an intense flashback.

I've been trying to figure it out consciously for a good couple of weeks now. I realise that I'm experiencing something from the past. But now after reading through the book, I realise it's exclusively emotional flashbacks, and they've been getting worse. And every single altercation with my boyfriend recently pushes me into it.

It's hard to use any skills at all when my brain goes super emotional every other moment when I'm around him.

You might want to look up Dr. Peter Levine and Somatic Experiencing.  I've read Pete Walker's book and I think there are some good techniques in there, but given the severity of your flashbacks you might want something else to deal with the strong physiological component.

Are you seeing a therapist currently?

It's not just him either. I did a workshop on mindfulness meditation a year ago, and after about 3 weeks of daily meditations, the flashbacks became that much more intense, it's like I opened a can of worms and everything started coming up to the surface. I was nearly suicidal at times and even resorted to self-harm. Fear of rejection, abandonment, like there was no end in sight to my inner state.

It bothers me that this sort of thing happens, it seems like they sell meditation as a drug-free cure for anxiety but really do not warn people about the risks of meditation for trauma survivors and many instructors are probably not sufficiently aware or trained in this.  The fact that you did re-experience those repressed trauma memories and emotions represents an opportunity to process and heal them when they come up, but I think you would need someone who can help you work through it at a manageable intensity level.

[HurtinNW]

I wrote a long reply and it got erased, darn it.

I wanted to say I really empathized with your post. I have PTSD too, not complex, but it can be bad. I suffered severe sexual abuse, neglect and trauma as a child and teenager.

My relationship with BPD/NPD boyfriend also really dismantled me. His behaviors have been abusive, but my reactions are also severe. Not everyone would fall apart into a crying fit, shaking and panic attacks when someone screams at them. Over time what has happened is even in periods of relative calm I am walking on eggshells. My body is primed for another attack, and for a PTSD sufferer that means I am in a state of constant flooding, along with hyper-vigilance.

Unfortunately my reactions have triggered shame and anger in my boyfriend, and so the cycle has gotten worse and worse. While we have reduced the conflict, his ongoing resentments and inability to take accountability mean he is just stuffing the rage, and my erosion of trust in him means I am constantly anxious. Those symptoms of anxiety trigger him... .you get the picture. We have had periods of relative calm but even in those I am a hyper-vigilant mess.

During this relationship PTSD symptoms I have not had since I was a child have come roaring back. Trembling, arms shaking, disassociation, hand-wringing and other awful stuff. Boyfriend does not understand it and while he has tried to be supportive, his BPD really interferes with that. His emotional shortcut is to feel blamed, even when he is not blamed. It is so very hard to untangle these things.

I am finding that during the periods he breaks up with me and gives me the silent treatment, like now, my PTSD quickly subsides. Anxiety goes WAY down. However, then I am dealing with depression and despair. One of the things to remember about PTSD is like all things you get habituated to it. It becomes your new "normal." Coming down off a PTSD episode is immensely draining and depressing. Having the PTSD not honored only makes it worse. It can feel like maybe you have BPD. I began to worry about that myself. My therapist laughed at the very idea. I do have empathy and tend to be very mild-mannered. However, remember that being around someone with BPD can lead to you taking on those behaviors, especially if you have the sort of lack of self esteem that comes with our histories.

I don't know if I have much advice except to say what has helped me with the PTSD. One is parozsin for nightmares. It's been tested and evaluated. Another is daily exercise, makes a huge difference for me. I only do active meditation like walking. I do NOT let anyone try exposure therapy with me. I do not let anyone get into regressive memory stuff. I try to do self-care. I also have found that positive relationships are immensely soothing. I have my kids for that. My art is the most healing thing I have done.

I don't know your situation, but can you take therapeutic breaks from your partner, to let your system calm down? Please honor your heart and mind and body during this time.

In all support 

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi,

I am not feeling well atm but did want to pop in to say I relate to so much of your post.  I also have cPTSD and my SO was triggering stuff for me.   Part of what attracted me to him as I thought he was a fellow PTSDr who just needed a little understanding.

Just wanted to say that so maybe I can come back to this and post more later.

~Sunflower

[joeramabeme]

Hey misuniadziubek, I understand and empathize with what you are describing.  I want to echo Eeks question, are you seeing a therapist?  I have had similar experiences to what you are describing and have to say that my T has been immeasurably helpful, and at times, indispensable. I am also certain that there is no way I could have worked through these issues alone.  The definition traits of trauma would make this a near impossibility for anyone.

I have been reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score" and it explains, in a theoretical manner - but in layman terms, how trauma is stored in the body.  I think it would provide an explanation of some of the physiology you are describing.  It is not a D.I.Y. self-help type read.  But I have found it to be soothing and comforting by learning that my mind and body were/are operating exactly in the ways they were intended to - healthy and protective.  unfortunately I was exposed to some unhealthy events that had never been fully processed.  I think it is important to have that knowledge for yourself - you are healthy and there is nothing wrong with you - even if you disassociate and feel panic.  The benefit of a trained trauma therapist is that they can help you work through those unprocessed events of your past.

I also meditate.  Today I can meditate mindfully but in the beginning I just needed a way to calm down so I kept it real simple by practicing deep, slow, rhythmic breathing so as to reduce the anxiety levels.  It truly was just a way to simply relax, and try and recognize that in this very moment I am safe.  HurtinNW mentioned his friendships, art and walking as tools to deal with the anxiety - all great stuff that can be very meditative with a "now" type experience.  The reason "now" is so important is because trauma is based in the past and when we have traumatic responses, it is the past appearing to be in the present.  I suspect that at least some of the depression you are describing is rooted in the past as well.

Where are you at with your partner at this point?  Are they willing to help with the trauma that you have learned about?

[Grey Kitty]

I used to dissociate as a coping mechanism. Probably since I was 4 years old. 90% of the time when I was around other people, I'd freeze up and zone out completely. After I started doing the meditations, I found that I stopped dissociating as much and started to actually experience life more in the moment. That was great, except that I'm starting to think that all the dissociation kept me sane.

As a four year old, it was the technique that was available to you that kept you you sane--I'm certain of that.

I've done mindfulness meditation, and what you describe here is consistent with both my experiences and my instruction.

That you find yourself losing your ability to dissociate, and instead are experiencing difficult emotions fits perfectly.

In fact my teacher once told me that meditation practice is building your personal capacity to stay present with difficult and intense feelings.

I don't have PTSD in any form, and I don't know how it is impacted by mindfulness meditation. I've been told that Pete Walker had some concerns he wrote about, regarding first taming/healing the inner critic before attempting it.

[doubleAries]

misuniadziubek--I'm pretty much in the same place. I really like the Pete Walker book a lot. It is a LOT to digest, but really worth while. And yes, as Grey Kitty said, Walker does explain that some issues need to be dealt with before mindfulness becomes useful. Walker also explains pretty well how CPTSD and BPD are in fact similar, but begin to differ greatly when certain defense mechanisms step in (versus other coping methods)---CPTSD being more inner directed (especially "I'm bad and worthless!" versus PD being more outward directed (projection).

I was married for almost 2 decades to a guy with a very serious mental illness diagnosis. We've been divorced for 3 years now, but he still works for me. He is a MASSIVE trigger for me for emotional flashbacks. But just very recently, I've seen the whole situation quite a bit more clearly. I understand I picked my ex because he could offer me situations that fit my coping skills (we all gravitate towards relationships and situations where we can use our polished skills--thusly the importance of developing new skills). My ex is pretty much my sadistic personality disorder mother and NPD alcoholic father all rolled into one. Couldn't have found something more perfect! 

But while my ex has given me plenty of trauma to chew on, I now realize that I have attached my childhood issues to him. That is why he is a "trigger". I have developed pretty good boundaries with people--except the people who trigger me into emotional flashbacks (which are the people I attach those emotional issues to). The person I want to give me what I didn't get as a kid.

I clearly see myself trying to re-live the same crap from my childhood but "win" this time, since I'm an adult. But the problem is I still believe the same things I did as a child. Not on an intellectual level--not at all--but certainly on an emotional level (we are talking about EMOTIONAL flashbacks, after all). You know--the emotional belief that I am inherently flawed or I would have been loved instead of rejected and punished. The emotional belief that if I just did this or that good enough, I could earn the love I so desperately wanted and needed. The emotional belief that I have to fix others problems so they can like me at all--to make up for my unworthiness. I don't believe these things in the world of my thoughts--but I do in my emotions.

A couple of quotes come to mind:

"Unfortunately, battling all her life to reject mother’s judgments has not prevented Alice from internalizing them."


"even when they read books by Alice Miller and call their parents’ narcissists—these patients can nevertheless spend much of their adult lives in a post-traumatic state, unable to be dissuaded that “the badness” really begins at the very core of their being."

Those both come from this article www.danielshawlcsw.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Enter_Ghosts.pdf

Here's a piece of advice my T gave me that I find more useful than mindfulness or meditation... .emotional flashbacks are just feelings. They really won't kill you. Your desire to evade and escape them will create massive anxiety. So I sit on my couch for a set amount of time (maybe 10 minutes) and let it flow! Before this session, I set down the rules and terms: they are just feelings--I don't have to DO anything about them (DOING something about them is a way to try to make it go away). Allow it to exist, allow it to happen. Give permission for existence to these feelings. It's safe now--I'm an adult, and I'm alone on my couch.

I find that the "rules and terms" themselves are critically important... .AND they cut the intensity of the emotions in about half (versus what they are when I try to make it go away, either through numbness, ":)oing something about it", or distractions)

The relationship with my ex was extremely dysfunctional, so I'm certainly not going back to him. BUT I also realize now that HE didn't "trigger" me. If I unattach my issues from him, deal with the actual underlying issues (self worth, fear of rejection, etc) and start developing healthy boundaries in those areas, he can't trigger me if he actually tries to on purpose. Not saying I don't fall down--I sure as heck do (which flares up my perfectionist issues--which are the same "if I just did this or that good enough" emotional beliefs). He is rude and abusive enough that I probably will have to let him go from working for me sooner or later. But that's a boundaries issue, not an emotional flashback issue. Avoiding him or getting rid of him won't fix the problem. Because I'll attach those issues to my next boyfriend. And the next one. And the next one after that.

As children (and I was also sexually abused by my father), there was no one to protect us--we had to protect ourselves. And we were children! we frankly weren't that great at it, especially since we couldn't get away. Our self taught methods were fairly ill-informed, but we did the best we could with what we had and knew. And we very deeply ingrained in ourselves a wall of protection around our most vulnerable and un-dealable with emotions. Dismantling that wall and building a new more healthy boundary system is difficult and takes time. We can't just bust it down completely and start from scratch, or we are left with no defenses at all and completely vulnerable.

I'm not going to advise whether you should leave your boyfriend or not. But I am going to suggest that you make sure you have a safe place ALONE where you can allow those emotions to leak out in a controlled way. Maybe you can ask for support in the exhausting aftermath of that, but the actual process is best done alone or with a competent counselor.

Remember--they're just feelings. Yes, they suck, but you are safe now.

I just took my "inner child" on a tour of my house this morning and showed her what a good job I did of making her safe when no one else would. Promise yourself that you'll stick by and believe in yourself through thick and thin. I am no longer desperately reaching out to someone else to give me SELF respect, SELF esteem, SELF worth, or SELF love. Yes, I want these things from others (without the SELF part), but I have to teach myself the SELF parts first. That weren't taught to me as a kid.

Hang in there--I just had my very first ever panic attack just a few days ago. Thought I was having a heart attack! Scared the crap out of me! But it also means I'm finally accessing the things my child self locked away tightly. So it doesn't feel good, but it IS real actual healing and re-uniting with my SELF. It may look like going backwards, and sort of it is. But it's OK--it's real, right? Not numb.

[misuniadziubek]

It bothers me that this sort of thing happens, it seems like they sell meditation as a drug-free cure for anxiety but really do not warn people about the risks of meditation for trauma survivors and many instructors are probably not sufficiently aware or trained in this.

I'm seeing a counselor casually (as per need) and she told me that she recently went through some mindfulness training at their clinic and one of the first things the instructor said was that people who have undergone any sort of trauma should not pursue mindfulness meditation because it brings the memories and trauma to the forefront of the mind. The brain is trying desperately to keep it under wraps as a survival defense and you're pulling it out. My workshop was lead by a psychiatrist who had been leading the course for a decade. I'm surprised he didn't mention any of this.

My relationship with BPD/NPD boyfriend also really dismantled me. His behaviors have been abusive, but my reactions are also severe. Not everyone would fall apart into a crying fit, shaking and panic attacks when someone screams at them. Over time what has happened is even in periods of relative calm I am walking on eggshells. My body is primed for another attack, and for a PTSD sufferer that means I am in a state of constant flooding, along with hyper-vigilance.

During this relationship PTSD symptoms I have not had since I was a child have come roaring back. Trembling, arms shaking, disassociation, hand-wringing and other awful stuff. Boyfriend does not understand it and while he has tried to be supportive, his BPD really interferes with that. His emotional shortcut is to feel blamed, even when he is not blamed. It is so very hard to untangle these things.

Pretty much the exact same story except I hyperventilate, go numb and dissociate. And he reacts just like that.

I am finding that during the periods he breaks up with me and gives me the silent treatment, like now, my PTSD quickly subsides. Anxiety goes WAY down. However, then I am dealing with depression and despair. One of the things to remember about PTSD is like all things you get habituated to it. It becomes your new "normal." Coming down off a PTSD episode is immensely draining and depressing. Having the PTSD not honored only makes it worse. It can feel like maybe you have BPD. I began to worry about that myself.  However, remember that being around someone with BPD can lead to you taking on those behaviors, especially if you have the sort of lack of self esteem that comes with our histories.

This is what worries me. Breaks from my boyfriend have done amazing in terms of helping me fix a lot of my worst habits. After our last break (VLC- month long) I became far calmer, stopped being so love-addicted, fixed a lot of my codependency and actually worked through some of my emotional triggers and obsessions. I succumbed to depression at first, but in that case, I managed to turn it into self-compassion and self-care for a bit. I saw the grass on the other side, saw what sorts of relationships I could pursue that might be healthier and ultimately decided that I did consciously want to continue the relationship after our break was over.

I haven't always been so lucky with regards to the depression, though. The entire month of August, my parents leaving to Europe for a month triggered me into such a severe depression that I could barely get out of bed and was considering medication. Ironically, this got that much more severe after a particularly deep 45 minute session of meditation, so I'm pretty convinced I may have accessed another deep painful trauma I wasn't aware of. Sigh.

Walking meditations are probably far safer for me to do. [/quote]

Hi,

I am not feeling well atm but did want to pop in to say I relate to so much of your post.  I also have cPTSD and my SO was triggering stuff for me.   Part of what attracted me to him as I thought he was a fellow PTSDr who just needed a little understanding.

Honestly, I'm pretty convinced that I had the same intentions. I learned about his sordid experiences as a child at the hands of his mother, because he would open up quite a lot in the beginning and I had that whole codependent stupid saviour-complex.

Not that helping someone isn't a great thing. But it requires boundaries, space, and non-codependent actions. You can empathize without ensnaring yourself in a bunch of unneeded drama. Or dating the person.

Hey misuniadziubek, I understand and empathize with what you are describing.  I want to echo Eeks question, are you seeing a therapist?

Counselor. I'm trying to find a trauma-specialised therapist now, but it's been hard due to financial constraints.

I have had similar experiences to what you are describing and have to say that my T has been immeasurably helpful, and at times, indispensable. I am also certain that there is no way I could have worked through these issues alone.  The definition traits of trauma would make this a near impossibility for anyone.

I have been reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score" and it explains, in a theoretical manner - but in layman terms, how trauma is stored in the body.  I think it would provide an explanation of some of the physiology you are describing.  It is not a D.I.Y. self-help type read.  But I have found it to be soothing and comforting by learning that my mind and body were/are operating exactly in the ways they were intended to - healthy and protective.  unfortunately I was exposed to some unhealthy events that had never been fully processed.  I think it is important to have that knowledge for yourself - you are healthy and there is nothing wrong with you - even if you disassociate and feel panic.  The benefit of a trained trauma therapist is that they can help you work through those unprocessed events of your past.

I also meditate.  Today I can meditate mindfully but in the beginning I just needed a way to calm down so I kept it real simple by practicing deep, slow, rhythmic breathing so as to reduce the anxiety levels.  It truly was just a way to simply relax, and try and recognize that in this very moment I am safe.  HurtinNW mentioned his friendships, art and walking as tools to deal with the anxiety - all great stuff that can be very meditative with a "now" type experience.  The reason "now" is so important is because trauma is based in the past and when we have traumatic responses, it is the past appearing to be in the present.  I suspect that at least some of the depression you are describing is rooted in the past as well.

Where are you at with your partner at this point?  Are they willing to help with the trauma that you have learned about?

I read that book a year ago. The body keeps the Score. It's incredible and really got me thinking about my own past. I couldn't put it down.  The depression is DEFINITELY rooted in the past. I did a meditation from the book "Healing the Shame that Binds" about accessing your inner child before bed and when I woke up the next morning I woke up and had zero depression or anxiety after months (years?) of waking up always feeling overwhelmed and depressed. It lasted a good 12 hours or so, but it made me realize that all those emotions upon waking are remnants of something much deeper that I realise.

He, my partner, understands where it comes from and he even truly empathises at times. He's helped me figure out a lot of the issues at hand even in my current situation. Very supportive. But on the other hand, he can't handle the flashbacks more often than not and takes it very much to heart. He also has a very limited understanding of the mechanisms behind it and is kind of skeptical about whether or not I can really prevent myself from having them. His BPD overtakes his empathy and he ends up blaming me for 'mental gymnastics'.  So in one moment he can be compassionate and hug me because he knows for a fact it helps me get back into the present, in another his anxiety and shame take over and he's yelling at me for being an 'a$$hole'.

I used to dissociate as a coping mechanism. Probably since I was 4 years old. 90% of the time when I was around other people, I'd freeze up and zone out completely. After I started doing the meditations, I found that I stopped dissociating as much and started to actually experience life more in the moment. That was great, except that I'm starting to think that all the dissociation kept me sane.

As a four year old, it was the technique that was available to you that kept you you sane--I'm certain of that.

I've done mindfulness meditation, and what you describe here is consistent with both my experiences and my instruction.

That you find yourself losing your ability to dissociate, and instead are experiencing difficult emotions fits perfectly.

In fact my teacher once told me that meditation practice is building your personal capacity to stay present with difficult and intense feelings.

I don't have PTSD in any form, and I don't know how it is impacted by mindfulness meditation. I've been told that Pete Walker had some concerns he wrote about, regarding first taming/healing the inner critic before attempting it.

Not dissociating is honestly amazing a great deal of the time. I get to finally experience life and the moment fully the way most people do and that wouldn't be possible if I hadn't started mindfulness. On the other hand, it means that I also feel the pain of the emotional triggers that much more intensely, but it also means that I can recover and move on quicker into self-care mode.

The first time that my boyfriend fully triggered me into a flashback was 5 months into our relationship about a year before I did the mindfulness workshop. It was his most intense dysregulation I'd seen up to that point. I kept dissociating for hours a time and felt like my personality has split into pieces, part of me was protective, part was terrified, part aggressive and angry, part incredibly critical.  This lasted for a good week before I started to stop the dissociating. I was ready to break up with him for good, but I wanted to understand my dissociating and the sudden lack of integration to my personality. (It was like different moods I could bring to the forefront at my choosing). So I looked up dissociating and ended up on about.com and BAM! ... .the entirety of my boyfriend's issues all summed up in a personality disorder.

But about a month after the workshop, when my pwBPD severely triggered me once again (definitely more intensely than that first time), I went into what felt like another mental breakdown, ended up self-mutilating, hyperventilating, having memories from my childhood flashing in front of me, and the breakdown was over within about an hour, with my body being shaky and exhausted for the rest of the day, and my partner was very empathetic and loving.   This time, I knew how to recover quickly and mindfully and I was pretty much back to normal within 24 hours. Months later, I realized that the trigger was mine and that my partner hadn't intentionally triggered me, he just didn't know how to handle his own dysregulation and was feeling a lot of pain as well. A non- CPTSD person would have just walked away from the situation for an hour or two and things would have settled on their own.

[misuniadziubek]

misuniadziubek Walker also explains pretty well how CPTSD and BPD are in fact similar, but begin to differ greatly when certain defense mechanisms step in (versus other coping methods)---CPTSD being more inner directed (especially "I'm bad and worthless!" versus PD being more outward directed (projection).

I saw that too. It's probably why I have so many commonalities with my boyfriend.

I understand I picked my ex because he could offer me situations that fit my coping skills (we all gravitate towards relationships and situations where we can use our polished skills--thusly the importance of developing new skills). My ex is pretty much my sadistic personality disorder mother and NPD alcoholic father all rolled into one. Couldn't have found something more perfect!  

I absolutely agree with this. My boyfriend was the first person who saw my defenses and insecurities for what they were because he had such a similar upbringing. He is also my NPD mother in so many ways, except that at some point the dysregulation turns off and he can become somewhat self-aware and even empathise. Something my mother could never do, and she never truly made me feel loved the way my pwBPD would.

But while my ex has given me plenty of trauma to chew on, I now realize that I have attached my childhood issues to him. That is why he is a "trigger". I have developed pretty good boundaries with people--except the people who trigger me into emotional flashbacks (which are the people I attach those emotional issues to). The person I want to give me what I didn't get as a kid.

Me in a nutshell.

I clearly see myself trying to re-live the same crap from my childhood but "win" this time, since I'm an adult. But the problem is I still believe the same things I did as a child. Not on an intellectual level--not at all--but certainly on an emotional level (we are talking about EMOTIONAL flashbacks, after all). You know--the emotional belief that I am inherently flawed or I would have been loved instead of rejected and punished. The emotional belief that if I just did this or that good enough, I could earn the love I so desperately wanted and needed. The emotional belief that I have to fix others problems so they can like me at all--to make up for my unworthiness. I don't believe these things in the world of my thoughts--but I do in my emotions.

This is me all the way. Outside of the flashbacks, I have very strict boundaries and am very non-codependent, as a way to lose the habits of my childhood and adolescence of being my mom's servant.  Someone asks me to help them open a jar, I tell them, not right now. Once I'm done sweeping or washing the dishes. I am willing to help anyone out, provided that they are willing to help themselves first, and respect my time.

It's funny, because even when I'm with my boyfriend, he'll say "Want to help me with xyz?" and I'll say no. And it's not because I don't want to help him but I am in the process of something else. It's something I still have to work on, because sometimes he feels hurt by my bluntness...  When we first started, I'd drop everything to help.

The relationship with my ex was extremely dysfunctional, so I'm certainly not going back to him. BUT I also realize now that HE didn't "trigger" me. If I unattach my issues from him, deal with the actual underlying issues (self worth, fear of rejection, etc) and start developing healthy boundaries in those areas, he can't trigger me if he actually tries to on purpose. Not saying I don't fall down--I sure as heck do (which flares up my perfectionist issues--which are the same "if I just did this or that good enough" emotional beliefs). He is rude and abusive enough that I probably will have to let him go from working for me sooner or later. But that's a boundaries issue, not an emotional flashback issue. Avoiding him or getting rid of him won't fix the problem. Because I'll attach those issues to my next boyfriend. And the next one. And the next one after that.

As children (and I was also sexually abused by my father), there was no one to protect us--we had to protect ourselves. And we were children! we frankly weren't that great at it, especially since we couldn't get away. Our self taught methods were fairly ill-informed, but we did the best we could with what we had and knew. And we very deeply ingrained in ourselves a wall of protection around our most vulnerable and un-dealable with emotions. Dismantling that wall and building a new more healthy boundary system is difficult and takes time. We can't just bust it down completely and start from scratch, or we are left with no defenses at all and completely vulnerable.

I'm not going to advise whether you should leave your boyfriend or not. But I am going to suggest that you make sure you have a safe place ALONE where you can allow those emotions to leak out in a controlled way. Maybe you can ask for support in the exhausting aftermath of that, but the actual process is best done alone or with a competent counselor.

Remember--they're just feelings. Yes, they suck, but you are safe now.

Trying to find holistic ways to resolve/release/reintegrate all of this. Thank you so much for sharing.