Contempt

[HurtinNW]

I read this on Pete Walker's website:

"Even worse, words that are emotionally poisoned with contempt [a deadly cocktail of intimidation and disgust] infuse the child with fear and toxic shame respectively. Fear and shame condition him to refrain from asking for attention, from expressing himself in ways that draw attention, and before long from seeking any kind of help or connection at all. Unrelenting criticism, especially when it is ground in with parental rage and scorn, is so injurious that it changes the structure of the child’s brain."

This really gave me insight into my ex even more than myself. He was raised with a lot of scorn. His narcissistic father is one of the most scornful people I have ever met. His waif mother played the martyr and while she made him a mama's boy never provided any real protection from his scornful father.

My ex had a go-to of scorn with me. I found it completely dismantling. Once in couple's counseling the therapist kept asking why he was so scornful of me. He flat out denied it. In his mind his scorn was being "rational." His attitude towards my alleged faults, and those of my kids, was laced with contempt.

At first reading this I thought of all the crap I experienced growing up, scorn was not part of the arsenal. Then I realized there is an implicit contempt in telling someone they are a liar, in denying their existence and needs. The contempt from my mother was cloaked in her helplessness, and perhaps deeper, the contempt of pushing her own self-loathing on me. My siblings picked up on it and their contempt was very apparent. It still us. I was regularly mocked by my family until the point I stopped contact.

I think this is why  the scorn of my ex touched such a nerve in me. My mind heard it as, "here, I despise you, you deserve to be molested. Not only that, if you complain I will turn people against you." It sent me reeling and I didn't know why. I just felt a total free fall when he acted with contempt. At the same time I was very gullible to believing him that this was normal. I often didn't even "hear" it, except for having an emotional response.

For my ex, the contempt and scorn are part of his family culture. He cannot see how damaging it is, and has no healthy skills in his tool box. When I responded in tears he felt blamed, and that was a trigger for him. In his mind he is acting like all people are supposed to act in a family.

I had never thought about scorn and contempt before. This is very helpful.