What to do

[bpdmom1]

18Bdp daughter in RTC is planning to leave after we no longer have guardianship.  We have a hearing in May and she is confident that the judge will drop the guardianship.  She has a date picked out when she is leaving and doesn't care if we allow her come home or not.  She has stated she has friends she can stay with and she will be able to graduate high school taking classes online.  She is planning to apply to universities and see no reason why they won't accept her as she went from failing to getting As and Bs.  Doesn't matter what we say about her cumulative GPA.  She is also planning to travel to see all her friends throughout the country.  She hasn't yet learned to drive as she was too overwhelmed with life to get her permit. On top of this she has a physical disability and needs hand controls to drive, which also impacts her chances of employment.

Reality is she doesn't have any friends that she can stay with for very long and if she did they aren't going to drive her around everywhere like we have.  She won't get into a University with her current cumulative GPA, good chance she won't finish the online classes to get her high school diploma.  All this will make her feel like a failure and she will start spiraling out of control and blame it on me.  At this point I doubt I'll be able to really help as I will be her punching bag. 

My H is thinking that instead of her going off to stay with her friends we should just allow her to come home and help her become independent and get her out of the house as soon as possible as he can't stand the disruption she causes in the house.  She would come home and H would cater to all her wants and let her come and go without any boundaries. 

I'm torn, thinking that if we don't support her she won't find anyone to pick her up from the RTC and she might change her mind about staying to finish out the program where she will get her degree.  We weren't going to push keeping guardianship past may, but I'm now thinking we should push for it so she can graduate.  My H however disagrees, he is tired of fighting and thinks she needs to experience life the hard way to get it.  When she gets older and has her degree wont she be glad we pushed for guardianship?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

What are the therapists at the RTC doing to help her see the realities she faces in the future post RTC graduation/non RTC graduation/no high school diploma/job prospects/housing?

I'm somewhat confused about your husband's position on bringing her home:

My H is thinking that instead of her going off to stay with her friends we should just allow her to come home and help her become independent and get her out of the house as soon as possible as he can't stand the disruption she causes in the house.  She would come home and H would cater to all her wants and let her come and go without any boundaries.

My H however disagrees, he is tired of fighting and thinks she needs to experience life the hard way to get it.

These seem like contradictory thoughts.

Can you and he get on the same page?

I know you have a lot of fears about your d leaving the RTC without a diploma and the skills she needs to succeed in the world.  We all have fears about our kids future.  We do need to try not to fortune tell... .suffer with worry about things that may never come to pass.  Staying in the moment while being mindful of the future may help with this. 

My d was grateful for her RTC experience most always.  Will your d be grateful for guardianship?  Don't know, most likely it depends on the level of healing and skills she attains while in RTC and uses post RTC.

[bpdmom1]

Meaning that she will experience life the hard way if she pulls herself (coming home or not).

We've now both agreed that we won't pursue guardianship any further and if she checks herself out we won't support her coming home.  She would have to find someone else to pick her up and live with.  If that doesn't work for her then my H will help her get her own place.  Her therapist has been stating for awhile now that even after she graduates he doesn't see it working out if she comes home (very hard to hear).  He feels she would fall right back into the same old patterns and behaviors.  I see us all going into the same patterns on visits with her.  You're right we should not fortune tell.  At times I feel hopeful and think she will pull through fine.  We all agree she has overall progressed and is learning coping skills. 

Her therapist has been working on a lot of things, one of which is awareness.  She has also been talking with the principle about her credits and her physiatrist (she is very close to) about making her own decisions.  She hears what she wants to hear.  At times she decides she should be there, but keeps going back to leaving.