I feel like the loser :(

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I feel like a lonely loser  :'(  It's been a long road in the two years since my husband just abandoned ship out of the blue for no reason.  We live in two separate residences and share a child together.  We have been married 8 yrs.

When he left, the first year I wanted my marriage to work.  I found out in counseling the first year that my husband most likely suffered from  BPD.  I am sure he does.  In spite of knowing this I still wanted to save our relationship.

We remained bonded and "dated" most of the first year.  Although it was more of him getting what he wanted and keeping me on the side but not really making a commitment to come back.  Last summer he actually came back home for 4 months.  Then he left again.  At that point, I really knew I couldn't continue the dance we were doing.  I love him and wish I could be with him but I came out of a lot of denial.  So I was doing my best to detach and start picturing and accepting a life without him.  

Last fall he said he loved and missed me and wanted his family back and wanted to return.  He said he would go to counseling because I told him it would never work without it.  I also made the mistake before finding out it was a bad idea of telling him I thought he had BPD.  Well that only lasted a couple weeks and he changed his mind.  At that point I started distancing and tried to talk only about our child.

I see him 2 or 3 times a week switching our 7 yr. old.  He only lives 8 minutes away.  It is killing me.  I know intellectually that this is not what I want or deserve but my heart hurts.  He totally replaced me with a guy he works with and his family.  He is there all the time.  I always told him I never felt "special" or that I was a priority.  I would tell him that it felt like he could replace me with anyone and it would be the same to him.  Of course, he said all the right words to refute this but his actions have shown otherwise.  Anyway, he picked our son up and was heading out to hang out and get pizza with this family.  

I feel like such a loser.  I have no friends, except long distance ones I've had since I was in the military.  I live in the middle of nowhere and the only place to meet people or socialize is at the bars.  I really don't want that scene.  I gave up my career for him and stayed at home with our child.  I never really had a life outside of him and his friends.  I feel like I am never going get my life back.  I am working part time at a local store until I can find something that works better with the kids schedule.  Unfortunately, I have to work every weekend which means I don't get to spend the quality time with my kids.  My older boy is from my first marriage.  I get to put in the hard work during the week and when the weekend comes I get to watch the man who destroyed my life take our child and enjoy all the fun time with him.  He walked away and he still has the awesome job with benefits and retirement.  I gave up just as good of job because I couldn't do it pregnant and he wanted a baby.  I can't get it back.  It was one of those opportunities I happened to luck out and get because of my military experience but I have no career and there are no job opportunities around here.  I lost so much including my child and he gets to keep it all.  I usually cope better and practice acceptance, etc.  But I've been depressed for a couple months and I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.  And contrary to what everyone says about them not being happy he seems pretty content and enjoying his life.  So I feel like the loser.  HELP

[peace74]

I feel like a lonely loser  :'(  It's been a long road in the two years since my husband just abandoned ship out of the blue for no reason.  We live in two separate residences and share a child together.  We have been married 8 yrs.

When he left, the first year I wanted my marriage to work.  I found out in counseling the first year that my husband most likely suffered from  BPD.  I am sure he does.  In spite of knowing this I still wanted to save our relationship.

We remained bonded and "dated" most of the first year.  Although it was more of him getting what he wanted and keeping me on the side but not really making a commitment to come back.  Last summer he actually came back home for 4 months.  Then he left again.  At that point, I really knew I couldn't continue the dance we were doing.  I love him and wish I could be with him but I came out of a lot of denial.  So I was doing my best to detach and start picturing and accepting a life without him.  

Last fall he said he loved and missed me and wanted his family back and wanted to return.  He said he would go to counseling because I told him it would never work without it.  I also made the mistake before finding out it was a bad idea of telling him I thought he had BPD.  Well that only lasted a couple weeks and he changed his mind.  At that point I started distancing and tried to talk only about our child.

I see him 2 or 3 times a week switching our 7 yr. old.  He only lives 8 minutes away.  It is killing me.  I know intellectually that this is not what I want or deserve but my heart hurts.  He totally replaced me with a guy he works with and his family.  He is there all the time.  I always told him I never felt "special" or that I was a priority.  I would tell him that it felt like he could replace me with anyone and it would be the same to him.  Of course, he said all the right words to refute this but his actions have shown otherwise.  Anyway, he picked our son up and was heading out to hang out and get pizza with this family.  

I feel like such a loser.  I have no friends, except long distance ones I've had since I was in the military.  I live in the middle of nowhere and the only place to meet people or socialize is at the bars.  I really don't want that scene.  I gave up my career for him and stayed at home with our child.  I never really had a life outside of him and his friends.  I feel like I am never going get my life back.  I am working part time at a local store until I can find something that works better with the kids schedule.  Unfortunately, I have to work every weekend which means I don't get to spend the quality time with my kids.  My older boy is from my first marriage.  I get to put in the hard work during the week and when the weekend comes I get to watch the man who destroyed my life take our child and enjoy all the fun time with him.  He walked away and he still has the awesome job with benefits and retirement.  I gave up just as good of job because I couldn't do it pregnant and he wanted a baby.  I can't get it back.  It was one of those opportunities I happened to luck out and get because of my military experience but I have no career and there are no job opportunities around here.  I lost so much including my child and he gets to keep it all.  I usually cope better and practice acceptance, etc.  But I've been depressed for a couple months and I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.  And contrary to what everyone says about them not being happy he seems pretty content and enjoying his life.  So I feel like the loser.  HELP

[Herodias]

I feel like I could have been you... .My marriage is the same amount of time, but I had a miscarriage and would have had a 7 year old. I am sorry you are hurting with the rest of us. At least you know you have tried everything and tried to stay married. You have to try and find something you enjoy to do so you don't feel alone. Take up a hobby or something. I know it sounds kinda dumb, but I have gotten into photography and totally enjoying it because I can do it by myself. I am now actually starting to sell my photos! This is what has finally gotten out of my longing for my ex. He is off with a pregnant gf and I am sure he will marry her as soon as we are divorced. I feel like a loser too... .only thing is I have rekindled my old friendships and I really don't feel desperate to find another person. As much as I want that in my future, I would much rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. Enjoy your son when you have him... .I know they seem happy, but if they are BPD, they really are not. They will not show it to you now that you are apart. You have to put energy into yourself and find yourself again. I know how hard it is... .none of us wanted to get to this point after trying so hard to maintain these relationships. Work on you and you will be ok. You are not a loser... .you are just needing to kick start a new life that you didn't know you were going to have to start. It is hard, but to can be done. When you get going, you will realize how bad you were feeling when you were in it. I am having nightmares now and someone told me it is my mind putting to rest my bad marriage. Are you planning of divorcing? I wasn't ready for all of that, but now I want my old name back. It all takes time and these relationships take longer than others... .I wish you all the best. You can do whatever you put your mind to. We wanted them to get help and get better... .well, we need to do the same, even if it's helping ourselves.

[peace74]

Thanks Blue.  I've been following your story and I have related a lot to what you have posted.  Thanks for the encouragement. I do have hobbies that I do while I am by myself.  And honestly I'm more like the hermit type that likes to spend time alone.  It just gets depressing when I do want to go out or have friends and there are none.  He's not pushing a divorce and I'm not either.  I am counting on his medical right now and neither of us have the money.  He makes ok money and has more to live on after paying support than I do.  He inherited a home when his dad passed away and has no mortgage.  I have the mortgage payment to our home.  He also received cash inheritance since he left.  He's so impulsive and terrible with money and uses buying new things to try to fill him up that he actually filed bankruptcy in Oct.     I also kind of think that he is keeping me on the back burner and that he doesn't view this as over because I haven't outright said I'm done now and I will never take you back.  Even though I know that's what I need to do, I can't bring myself to do it.  Anyway, thanks for the support.     

[Scopikaz]

It's funny. In my situation my exgf of two years had the two failed marriages.  No money. Few belongings. And lost custody of her children. At one point she was going to move out about three months before she finally abruptly left.

I had told her about a couple of ex girlfriends of sort.  Crazy Jill

And gold digger Debbie.  When she asked what her name would be I foolishly answered in anger... .  Loser Misti. 

She was devastated.  It hit a nerve. Be cause with all those things above she does (or did) have those feelings of insecurity and worthlessness.

But now that it's been four months since she left and I'm still depressed.  Still have little motivation. Still sad. Still feel like no one else will be like her.  Still love her.  I feel like I am the loser. 

You though sound strong. You will make it. I just hope I do.

[Herodias]

Mine is horrible with money as well... .Now I am glad that he has someone else stuck with his mess he has made once again, after I fixed it all several times. I know, I am a hermit too. I do force myself out- mostly for dinner only. I no longer like bars and never wanted to be in that environment again after the fact that I met him in one! If I am out, I just figure everyone I do not know is crazy and I am not interested in them,lol.  It is a nice place to be in my head... .not interested in men that is. You will figure it out... .It is really hard. You will be fine. Mine has been paying my health insurance as well. I dread getting my own. I know I can't afford anything like what I have. In June I will have to get something though. I tried to make new friends through a divorce group at a church. I am not much of a church person, but wanted to give it a try. There are nice people there, but their were a few crazy too!  The group are nice and include me in dinners out, but I feel like the tag along person. They have all been friends for awhile, so I don't know... .They mean well and if I really tried I could be friendlier. I have people I talk to on the phone allot too. Work helps... .Just plan on the possibility that you will have to move on, just to be safe. No matter what happens it will help yourself out to be in a better position.

[peace74]

He also makes it difficult cause I still (although not as often) get the I love you and miss and care about you even though we're not together.  And "I wish things would have turned out different."  The other day when I told him he had to get our son off the bus because I had to work until 6.  I had called to make sure he remembered, which he didn't.  I still have to parent him in regards to doing what he needs to do for our child.  Anyway I told him to have my son call after he picked him up, which he did.  After my ex got on the phone and was talking to me.  I happened to be outside the store at the time.  I looked up and there goes his car.  I said what are you doing? Because he had no reason to be driving by there.  Never does and doesn't go to town that way.  He gave a childish guilty little chuckle like he had been caught and said oh we're just going to town to get something to eat.  I know he was checking to see if I was actually at work.  There was a double standard in our marriage and there still is one.  I know I can do what I want but I do want to keep our relationship civil because of our child.  Plus, I feel like since we're not divorced that things are still hanging over my head.  I still feel that if I started getting out more, even innocently with friends he would either flip out or make my life difficult by acting out.  Or he would be wanting to come back and I'm too weak for that right now.  It sucks.

[Herodias]

I know what you mean... .That's why an early dinner with a girlfriend is usually safe, but who knows- then you could be accused of other things! I just don't trust my husband at all. He gaslighted me so much and lied so much, that I don't believe anything he says or does... .either does his mother! You just never know what they are up to. Always a double standard. Mine would accuse me of things he was doing- projection. Study what you can on the subject- you will need the knowledge to help with dealing with him for your son.

[peace74]

Thanks Blue.

I know I have to move on.  I can't accept the push/pull, lying, selfishness, etc.  He has had a pattern of leaving and coming back.  Up until 2 yrs. it was only for a weekend, or week, or month.  Ever since I read up on BPD, I know he will never let this relationship happen and he doesn't want to face his issues.  It is easier for him to walk away.  At the same time I'm not sure he will really let me go either.  That puts everything all on me and I'm not strong enough right now to turn him down.  It scares me to think of having to do that.  I have read up on parenting with a BPD.  He does try to be a good father but he parents the way he was parented and that was not good.  It is like a child parenting a child.  He is going through parenting classes right now because my son said something smart to him and he backhanded him in the mouth.  My son had new front teeth coming in and it caught his tooth and cut his lip and it was swelled up.  He went to school and said his lip hurt and the nurse asked what happened and my son told her.  They called CYS and even though it was back to normal by that evening and they didn't keep the case open they are making him take parenting classes.  I told him time and time again not to do that because although he has never hurt him when he's done it I didn't think it was appropriate to hit him especially in the mouth.  He says I just tapped him.  It was a reflex, I won't do it again.  He was all cooperative with them and told me how he felt so bad and I think he does but he just can't control his emotions and impulses.  Sad.  :'(

Believe it or not my first husband had BPD.  He made my current husband look great.  So I know I can get through it.  I actually learned about BPD this time and am working on myself so I can heal and find healthy love if that is what I want.  There is a reason why I keep picking these people and I'm slowing buy surely figuring it all out.  I just lost so much more this time around and at least when my first husband left I had a great job and secure financially.  And I was a lot younger with a lot more energy and hope.  But I have no choice.  This board is the only thing that keeps me going when things get to break point where I either want to reach out to him or just give up.  So thanks everyone!

[Herodias]

Oh boy... .I know the feeling. I am older now too... .hopefully older and wiser! I had lots of bad r/s's although never with someone with a personality disorder... .they were addicts none the less. I hope he can get his anger under control or you may have to only allow him to see him with supervised visits. I believe we keep picking these people because we just want to be loved so badly that we believe all they tell us and  ignore their actions. I am very aware of how people behave now- very aware!

[Thegardiner]

I feel like the loser too, as I love/loved her so so much and still want a sane/non BPD her... .however I know deep down I am the winner. I loved her with every part of my being and found her the most attractive sexually fulfilling girl in my life, however in realist isn't that the BPD (and Histrionic PD) way? It is hard to rationalise the way we feel, however it is the reality and I read on another post or article, that the relationship will NEVER work in the way we see normal love and commitment. So here I am sitting alone, while she will be out with a different guy several times a week, living it up drinks-dinner-laughs-flirting-cocaine-sex, however I remind myself of the BPD facts, that she is inherently unhappy and empty. Be thankful for what you do have, your son, your home, your sanity. Be open to opportunities and they will appear, be it a new job, a new friendship, maybe one day love again. You said you couldn't actually say it is over. Love yourself enough to take that stand. The line in the sand is the beginning of your happiness, even though it hurts deeply... .Says me who is in Au and wakes every morning at 4am with horrible feelings. If it wasn't for this site, I don't know what I would have done.