Intro - BPD DIL - Grieving over damaged relationship with son - Advice?

[Florida]

Hello- I have read the DIL related posts here and have found them very helpful.

    My DIL and son have been married for 4 years and I have been dealing (silently and turning the other cheek)  with her withholding and passive aggressive attacks ever since they got engaged. No matter how much we do (and we carry 95% of the relationship) it is never enough, and she has had our son call angrily to discuss our poor behaviour a number of times. These are the only angry phone conversations we have ever had with our son.

    More recently, our son told us that she had been very abusive towards him and was threatening divorce. They patched it up but she was very upset to find that we had been told about her behaviour, and her attacks on us increased. I went down a few months later at my son's request to help with the baby, toting several weeks worth of homemade dinners. She was passive aggressive all weekend, culminating in a an attack involving throwing down the stairs some sheets that I had folded for her (badly, I guess.) I went out for a walk to let her cool down and was met on my return by her with a litany of complaints spanning the last 4 years, ironically, largely situations that had been caused by her own withholding.

    My son supported her in her tirade. I listened, apologized (probably not well) and left.

    I am writing because I feel heartbroken over the rift in our relationship with our son. I am disappointed in him because of his 'Stockholm Syndrome' and because he's buying her complaints. I feel terribly upset that she has damaged a harmonious family relationship that took 30 years to build (she also has our son angry at his brother, grandmother, and rotating aunts.) She treats us like

child molesters around the children (just another control initiative, but it hurts.) My son still calls us every week and wants to have a relationship with us ( they live a long way away.)

    I know I am getting obsessed about this, but I am having trouble sleeping, and my whole attitude towards life has changed to negative. I guess I am angry about the unfairness of it all, and about my ruined family. I am trying to forgive but having her still see me as the offender galls me, I admit. And I am really heartbroken about my damaged relationship with my son. It has been 3 months since the attack and I am having trouble getting over this. And I can't make it better till I do.

     Any advice on accepting the situation would be greatly appreciated.

     Thank you.

[Turkish]

Hello Florida,



I don't think it's obsessive to ruminate on this or want to fix it. You've been cut off from your son, and also a grandbaby, but an abusive person. The good thing that I can see is that your son still calls you.

Think back to the sheet throwing incident. Aside from the utter immaturity demonstrated, imagine if your husband did that to you? It would be a sign of domestic violence, even if they weren't thrown at you.

It's sad that a son can't talk to his mother about his own experience with DV, it sounds like. What was the incident that he shared with you? Do you feel that he and the baby are physically safe?

Turkish

[Florida]

Hi Turkish,

   She is emotionally abusing only- name calling, screaming, belittling... .

all the sweet stuff.

    Just trying to get past my own feelings of anger at her.

   Any tips on how to do so?