Reality hits - after a few months

[FallBack!Monster]

In my first post, you'll notice that I am a bit more calm.  As if I had it all figured out; indifferent.  Now, I'm like wow.  She really wasn't here.

I have been through different emotions.  I was glad she was away but at the same time I wasn't happy with knowing I had to give her up.  But I knew I had to do it for my sake.  Today, I felt like writing because of these (what I want to call) last feelings of realism.

I woke up today feeling indifferent about the situation with my ex lover.  I realized a few weeks ago that we were not really a couple.  All she did was lie and all I did was try to convince myself that the deceit made no difference to me because I had no intensions on keeping her long term anyway.  But the more time one spends with someone the more you get use to having them around.

I spoke to her yesterday; f2f.  She asked me to come over later on that night.  I started not to go only because I was sleepy and would have rather be in my bed.  But I made an appointment and I kept it.  She text me about 20 minutes before I got there.  When I got there I text her to let her know I was there (didn't want to ring the bell).  She never replied.  I knocked on the door.  No answer.  I called her a couple of times.  No answer.  I rang the bell about 3 times, in case she was away from her phone or in the shower.  No answer.  Her house is not that huge so eventually I realized she was playing games.  She's 44 and that's all I have to say about her age.

I was still surprised.  I wasn't hurt because all the hurt has been leaving my body everyday.  She can't hurt me anymore.  However, what does hurt me is me and my thoughts.  I had to come to the realization that it was like a good dream... .and them you woke up and none of it was real.  I mean, I never really had a friendship in her.  It was all fake and phony.  She planned it all just to hurt me.  That was her plan all along.  That's what hurts me.  No matter what, that's my reality.

I don't let many people near me or my family so I am a little disappointed in myself to have let someone like her near us.  She caused so much destruction in just a few months.  I know there are people here who have put in years, but I don't know how you did it.  Today, she called me more than she has in the past 6 months.  Only because yesterday when I saw her I told her I was going to be busy today.  Crazy phone calls and many more angry text.  They are all so irrelevant to the rest of my life  Nevertheless, I read them and I listen to the angry/threading (not to ever call me back) voice mail. 

It's funny because everything about her was inconsistent but now that she's bugging me she's so consistent at it.  Trust me, I would love to think that her calling and texting has something to do with her feeling something, but that's not my reality.  I know she cannot feel ___ but anger.  She does nothing but project.  and she calls me crazy every chance she gets, ... .  Today, when she text, she also mentioned that she's moving out of this state soon.  As if that was suppose to mean something scary to me.  she's so delusional. I would feel bad for her because I know she can't do any better, but I feel for me and my family.  In her, the person that I could have been missing was never her.  No one to tell how it feels that she wasn't real.  No one to make feel guilty about what she did.  No one to care to make it better.  She is dead inside.  As I am writing, I'm also laughing because at this point things are so clear to me.  however, its like i am still in disbelieve.

[Suzn]

She can't hurt me anymore.  However, what does hurt me is me and my thoughts.  I had to come to the realization that it was like a good dream... .and them you woke up and none of it was real. 

I remember coming to the painful realization that my exBPDgf wasn't the person I tried to convince myself she was. That person was a fantasy.

What thoughts are you having that hurt you?

[Frustratedbloke]

This makes a lot of sense to me as well. In one of our 'off' periods of our on-off 'relationship', my BPD ex tried to tell me that she had been invited to live in America next year by her ex, and she'd been invited on a 5 star cruise, so if she went on that she would be with someone else and wouldn't have time for me. Like it was a threat.

I told her well if she was going she should come see me before so I could take her to bed, if not see ya. It made her kind of angry. None of it happened, she came back for a while but yeah it's all games, she's a very broken little girl is all I can say about it now.

I guess like you, I have lost respect. They never had any in the first place, for us or themselves. But once ours is gone for them, the game is done.

[FallBack!Monster]

This is what  are hurtful thoughts to me

She, herself, can no longer hurt me.  Neither her words or actions.  I expect the worse from her. 

However, what does hurt me is me and my thoughts... .Coming "to the realization that it was like a good dream... .and them you woke up and none of it was real.  I mean, I never really had a friend in her.  It was all fake and phony.  She planned it all just to hurt me.  That was her plan all along.  That's what hurts me.  No matter what, it was fake and now it is forgotten."  That's my reality."  What was once nice to me, it ain't even worth remembering now.  Everyday, I remember less and less.  I still keep memories from past relationships, good and bad.  But this one, is quickly fading and its because I know it was all a joke that needs to be forgotten.  She deserves none of my memory space.

[Suzn]

I know it was all a joke that needs to be forgotten. 

It wasn't a joke to you. "Forgetting" or shoving these feelings deep inside helps it not hurt doesn't it?

The problem is if we shove and numb the hurt and not grieve it it will wait for you to experience it later down the road. Emotions wait for us, sometimes just under our skin. It's ok to acknowledge that this hurt like hell and let yourself cry. 

[FallBack!Monster]

Suzn, I so appreciate your comment and everyone elses.  But I don't know if it is hurt at this point.

Let me explain, I fall in love with my thoughts of a person more than I do with the person.  I've always said that I am not star struck.  I have a couple of past friends who have turned out to be celebrities and when I hear or see them, I feel proud but to me is just a job.  Well, same goes for people.  People are just people.

Now, so that you don't think I'm pretending to have an S on my chest... .

She acted as all BPD do.  Nice, sweet... .the best.  But the flaws and imperfections were all over the place.  Unreliable, inconsistent, holes in all her stories, smelling like sex, etc.

However, my biggest mistake was thinking to myself that I could let go when the time came with no problem.  That was a delusional thought of mine. 

Again, the pain was and is mostly caused by my thoughts.  Yes she was disappointing some of my delusions  .  Yes the first time I noticed all the stories she had told me within the first couple of months did hurt me.  In fact, i felt that for the first time in my life, my heart had been broken.

I had been married and in love years ago.  I mean I felt I was madly in love, but when that relationship was over I only felt disappointment. I think it is because I had better and higher expectations of that person.  With the BPD ex, I knew it was not going to be long term still when I found out about the lies, like I said above I felt heart broken.  I say all this to explain what I meant when I said, she can no longer hurt me.  I knew she could lie even about things that wouldn't get her in trouble.

Again, what really hurts me these days are my thoughts of having to abandon another part of my life.  Not her.  She is gone and even when she was here, she wasn't here.  Oh and if I made it sound as if it was a joke to me, that wasn't what I was implying.  It wasn't a joke to me.  It wasn't a joke to her either.  It was just her MO.

[Suzn]

However, my biggest mistake was thinking to myself that I could let go when the time came with no problem.  That was a delusional thought of mine. 

In fact, i felt that for the first time in my life, my heart had been broken.

I had been married and in love years ago.  I mean I felt I was madly in love, but when that relationship was over I only felt disappointment.

I could be off base here AudB, bear with me. We can choose to bury or experience our emotions. Is it possible that with your marriage you didn't allow yourself to feel heartbreak? I've done that in my past. "Get up and shake it off Suzn!" That only caught up with me later. My emotions finally said enough is enough. After my breakup with my exBPDgf a deep depression took hold and I cried for 3 months, I had no choice but to allow it to run it's course. I did however have to take an intentional control near the end of that depression and pull myself out of it. I sought a therapist shortly after finding these boards.

What I figured out in therapy and working on the boards... .my emotional availability has been lacking in a few relationships in my past. There had only been a couple of r/s where I did open my heart only to get burned and then the r/s that followed those I was guarded (emotionally unavailable) because I hadn't really grieved getting hurt (or burned). Not only that but because of my upbringing I have sought love and attention that I never received as a child. I had no problems being alone for long stretches of time, usually around 3 months or longer, then I'd get bored and lonely. I would ultimately go looking for someone to fill the loneliness and I always met someone who triggered those needs in me. Of course the draw would begin by them being sweet and kind to me, the dysfunctional dance would begin.

I get where you're coming from on the thought that this person wasn't the ideal you had for the person you wanted. That's very perceptive of you. In my case what it all boiled down to was my relationship with my exBPDgf was based on my ideal of the family I never had. There were children involved and I was busy (proud to have a purpose) doing whatever I had to do to keep this "family", my "family" together. I was in denial. It was a fantasy that I wanted to be true, in reality it was far from the fantasy. I had to come to the realization that I had to grieve the family I never had. My heartbreak wasn't my exBPDgf, it was the loss of the family I had created in my mind.

[FallBack!Monster]

Suzn, thanks again.

You're right, a lot of people bury their feelings instead of facing the situation.  I think you might of misunderstood what I what I was trying to share.  I do have feelings about it.  I was sharing what "I" was feelings from "my" perspective. 

I have never seen a therapist.  The only time I felt I needed one and maybe til this day, is when I lost a love one, to death.  Now, in terms of seeing a therapist, sometimes they bring up stuff that wasn't a problem to begin with.  My brother have been seeing a therapist for the last 20 years and poor thing he don't even know who he is, or who did what to who when we were children.  His brain has been scrambled.  Whomever he is seeing, found a childhood reason for anything that had to do with him.  Now, if he sneezes and it sounds funny, he thinks its due to childhood trauma. That's not to say that all therapist suck or anything like that.  I'm saying some do more damage than good.

Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with a person falling in love with someone who tells them all the right things.  Or better yet, someone who tells you the words you yourself didn't know that you needed to hear all your life.  Finally, someone said it to me.  The only problem was, that person turned out to be more needy and self serving than I thought any human being could possibly be.

Every time I read a post about someone running into a emotionally disturb individual, here or in other forums, there's always a volunteer telling the person that got dupe... .hey just move on.  like it is that easy.  and it ends with something like, the only reason why you let that person in your life is because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.  Not them, "YOU".  I disagree!  There's nothing wrong with you for falling for something that you thought was the truth.  There's nothing wrong with you for falling for the right words.  I won't let anyone convince me of that.  We have all had some type of childhood traumas.  It is true that some are affected worse that others and blah blah blah. But I don't think that getting involved with a professional BSer makes me all messed up inside.

I feel that, either your parents were rich and working all the time and gave you no attention.  OR  your parents were poor, alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. OR You had parents that cared more about their next lover than you.  In any case, it is all neglect.  The child grows up needing something.  So no!  Nothing is wrong with me or you for falling for a professional ass.  However, something is wrong with that person for taking your for granted.  At the end of the day, I feel that I got played.  But in the long run, people like this lose.  They end up lonely and alone inside and out.  And that's my perspective.

My overall feelings about the whole situation with that emotional disturb person, "and this too shall pass".  If I was able to deal with a death and not die myself, I hardly think that this is the end of life for me.