Health scares, confusion and anxiety from recent breakup.

[Fox007]

Hello,

This is my first post. I wanted to introduce myself, share my case and seek support.

I have been reading the boards here and finding lots of info, clarity and help.

I thank all for your stories, advice and input.

My x/uBPDbf and I finally split after 5 recycles in a very intense 5 months together 24/7.

I'm a classic codependent which I have come to realize.

He finally left to a neighboring country (South America) 4 days ago... we communicated

slightly on FB... .2 days ago being the last time.

The last 2 rages he showed physical aggression which scared me as each rage escalated in cruelty. Next is physical abuse?

So I finally decided to end it this time. Usually it was him to leave in a huff leaving me sad, angry, confused... etc etc etc... .

It wasn't till over 4 months into the r/s that I realized he was BPD... .I know about the disorder and was shocked how I didn't pick it up sooner.

My rational knows how destructive these relationships are from helping friends in them but was blind in my own case. Ce la vie'

Now that I'm alone again which I was for 4 years before him, contently.

He's in my head all the time and I'm ruminating.

Also looking at men for comfort but realizing how unhealthy that is...

So far just looking, have not acted to fill this void.

No longer concentrating on him full time I am looking within and dealing with health concerns... .I believe anxiety driven.

Going for tests tomorrow to see what is going on physically.

Last contact was 2 days ago... .I am using all my powers not to contact him.

NC is very difficult for me, and if he contacts me I know I will respond.

It's still very fresh.

I'm not concerned with having a stalker or him returning, I think he will find his next victim and fall in love as he does all the time. He's very charming and great looking.

He said he want's to retain a friendship, also said he wants NC, then says we never had a friendship... .(because I am not trustworthy, a liar etc... .all projections)

back n forth back n forth

I all this reading I am trying to grasp how there is no hope for a friendship with this person that was my friend before we got together.

Are there any successful friendships from ex non's-BPD's?

He didn't respond to my latest message 2 days back and I keep telling myself to stop looking for one. This r/s did so much damage in such a short time. I am much to blame with enabling his addictions and full fledged Codependency.

I'm struggling to disengage and obsessing at the same time.

I think my post may sound a bit scattered... like my brain... haha

One day I may be a crying mess and the next I feel better so I know it will pass.

Thanks for letting me vent... .always helps

[joeramabeme]

Hi Fox007

Welcome to the Family 

Glad to see that you have made your first post, not easy to do.  You already have a sense of what BPD is.  Yes, I think it can manifest physical symptoms and I hope that your checkup goes well.

You asked "I all this reading I am trying to grasp how there is no hope for a friendship with this person that was my friend before we got together.  Are there any successful friendships from ex non's-BPD's?"

Generally speaking, the answer to this is NO and the reason for that is due to the nature of the disorder.  pwBPD tend to be very controlling of the circumstances in the relationship, this will not change afterwards.  Any friendship you MAY have will be on their terms - not yours and only if the pwBPD wants it to happen.  Based on the rages that you mentioned and the possibility of physical violence, are you sure that this is something that you would like to have in or around your life?  Or do you see this as a way to gently transition into No Contact or ending the r/s?

JRB

[WoundedBibi]

Hi Fox007  

No worries, we're all scatter brains on here at some stage  

The beginning is really hard. There's another post from this week about friendships with ex SO with BPD. As far as I can tell the consensus is: no, not successful true friendship possible. Also ask yourself why you want that. To be friends or to get back together? And if he had your best friends boyfriend and had witnessed his behaviour would you like him and want to be friends with him?

If he contacts you and you feel you want to respond, come here first to ask input and support. And ask yourself before you respond: why do I want to respond? What do I hope to gain? What is it I want from it?

Welcome to our 'club'  

[WoundedBibi]

I think faster than I typ    If he had been your best friend's boyfriend and you would have witnessed his behaviour with your best friend (instead of you) would you then like him as a person and want him to be your friend?

[rfriesen]

Hi Fox007,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can say that I tried to stay friends with my ex BPDgf, tried hard, for about six or seven months, but that it wasn't possible. It may be possible with some BPD exes who are on the lower end of the spectrum. I'm new to all this BPD stuff, so maybe someone else can speak to that question in a more informed way. But if you've been through a rough time and have a lot of anxiety and emotional pain from the relationship, it might be best to put your focus and energy into healing yourself and not worrying too much about a friendship.

With my ex BPDgf, I was the one who finally started to pull away. I've almost always been able to end relationships in a positive place - if not friendship, then at least a place where we both see that we care for each other and shared something positive, even if it has to end. But my ex reacted with such extreme emotions -- lots of yelling how much she hated me, was feeling betrayed, would never recover, then begging for me to stay, to give it another shot ... .then me caving in. It took three tries for her to accept that I really did want to try just being friends. But I realized eventually this meant that she understood me to need some time to think it over, to get to a better place (problems were all mine in her view, and I should maybe have pushed back against that idea, instead of accepting it so that the break-up would be easier), then to come back to her. I was moving to a new city at this time, so I thought the distance might help.

The situation dragged on for a while, us communicating by Skype/phone/even two visits, with her escalating the ways she wanted to hurt me - lots of sarcastic put-downs, accusations of lies, telling me I'm a terrible person, eventually telling me about guys she was trying to connect with, etc. (Of course, this was interspersed with flashes of the old connection, laughter and happy memories.) She said that if I wanted to be friends, I had to accept that she would move on and tell me about it. In principle, I think that's fair -- except that the way she did it was so obviously intended to hurt, and she kept saying she would drop them in a second to have me back, and in other ways still playing manipulative games. It was obviously unhealthy and not any kind of genuine friendship. Then one day we were talking on Skype when my phone rang. It was an ex with whom I've been friends (and nothing more) for years. This was always a source of tension in our relationship -- she insisted that I was sick for being good friends with any exes and that I was obviously going to cheat on her with them. She exploded at me for this phone call --- meanwhile she had been telling how she had been out dating, trying to find a new connection!

It just wasn't functional in any way as a friendship. In hindsight, it's clear that she always wanted to love me as the greatest thing that ever came into her life in every possible way, or hate me as the worst human being imaginable who betrayed the greatest love story by walking away. There was no foundation for a friendship there.

So that's my experience of trying to be friends. It was only once we cut contact completely that I realized the toll it had taken, and it's taken me two weeks just to get some of the physical symptoms to calm down - pain in my stomach, tight chest, loss of appetite. I was holding in so much tension trying to manage this "friendship", and it's all come pouring out of me now. When it comes to friendship, I'd say proceed with caution ... even if it's long-distance, as the "friendship" part of my relationship with my BPDgf was.

Good luck!

[Fox007]

Hola!

Thanks for the input all. I really appreciate it...

I guess I was looking for some confirmation of what I know deep down.

We started off as friends... .both seeing other people casually at that time.

I loved that part of our relationship, as did he.

Many times I heard from him how he did not want to get involved romantically with me.

I now understand more why... .he knew the inevitable outcome and that he would lose/throw away a friend in the end.

I jumped in and seduced him even after hearing these words from him., most of my exes are still friends... .some are considered my closest friends who are an important part of my life...

I was hoping we could have that but my reading up and member advice tells me otherwise.

Never in my life have i been in such an abusive relationship that i kept wanting to remain in.

With a man I still loved.

16 years younger than me fwiw.

I really shocked myself at my behavior here.

5 months is nothing compared to many others, but dang!... .so much damage and learning in

this short time.

I feel broken and blessed with my new understandings.

Another thing is... .he owes me money which i would like back at some point... .

cash or no contact?

Aaaach!

[joeramabeme]

Another thing is... .he owes me money which i would like back at some point... .

cash or no contact?

Aaaach!

I think the answer to that is dependent on how much you need or want the money back. Ideally No Contact is better but if it really is yours and you need it, legal action may be the best recourse.