I Feel Like a Stalker & Ashamed

[WhatJustHappened?]

I can't believe I am even writing this. Me and my exBPDgf have not had any contact for almost a year now. I had posted a little while ago that I was obsessing about her after a 3 month relationship with my most recent love attempt ended. I appreciated all the kind words and rationale people on this site gave me. Thank you!

Confession: I have tried several times now over the past several months to contact her. First, I know I shouldn't. Nothing good can come of it. I have tried to email & text with no response which either means I have been blocked or am being ignored. My intent was to try to get on some sort of cordial terms with her because for whatever reason, it's important to me. It shouldn't after all of the BS. I do not understand my need for this. I have discarded other exGFs who I had powerful relationships with too with not nearly the amount of obsession I have with this BPD ex.

This woman was one of my first loves and resurfaced back into my life last year. We had a very intense relationship back in the day and had another one last year.

The exBPDgf lives near my parents who I will be visiting next week. This was part of my reason to try to contact her as I thought we could meet face-to-face and discuss. Again, my brain says "NO!" but my heart says, "YES!".

Now I feel ashamed and somewhat of a stalker; I keep trying to make contact (probably like a few times over the course of the last 3 months).

... .and now there's next week. She will be no more than 10 miles from me and it's driving me crazy. Thankfully I was smart enough not to mention my visit in any of my attempts just in case the "crazy" starts.

I guess if it's that important, I could write a letter, or try calling but I am afraid of what the reaction will be what I will be stepping into again. When we last spoke, she was supposedly getting a divorce after a long marriage. Who knows if that was true. All I need is an angry husband coming down on me

Why is this such an obsession? I do not understand. Why is it so important for me to try to be on cordial terms with this person? UGH!

[FannyB]

Hi WJH

I think I can see where you're coming from. Circumstances forced me to keep in contact with my ex (we worked together as do some of her friends) so I wanted things as stress free as possible.  We are now on good terms as far as it goes and I have to admit I'm happy with that. Whilst I have no wish to rekindle our relationship I do care about her and if I was NC I guess I'd have difficulty reconciling that with the depth of feelings I once had for her.

In addition, no-one ever managed to get through my defences and burrow their way in as deep as my ex. Consequently I don't stay in touch with other exes and barely give them a second thought - but my BPD is different. 

Do you think that part of you doesn't want to let go entirely because as well as being your worst girlfriend, she was probably the best for a period of time and that kind of paradox can keep us hooked?


Fanny

[steelwork]

I'm gonna say that you are not a stalker and should not feel like one. It maybe could be said that you're being a bit of a pest, but not a stalker. Stalking is a serious thing-- something that makes the other person feel unsafe. It doesn't sound like you're doing that.

As for wanting to be on cordial terms: Me too! I tried so hard for that. At first that was the story: that we were going to be "friends," which I am with every other ex other than the ones I've simply lost track of. It resulted in two months of him intimating in various ways that we had serious things to talk about, then evading my attempts to address them. In the end he cut me off anyhow, in an extremely uncordial way.

What I learned: it takes two people to be friends. It also takes two people to be "on cordial terms." Can't force it.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I appreciate what both of you had to say. Fanny, it could be that. I just think that she is/was just an important part of my life. My usual MO is just to leave and not give it any more thought. Frankly, I guess if I cared more about my other ex's, I would want to stay cordial with them too but I don't.

There's also a part of me that wants to, for once in my life, try to be friends with an ex. I know that's weird but I get tired of running away. I don't know if that makes sense.

Steelwork, appreciate you saying that I may be just a pest. I keep thinking I should keep trying to contact her but feel silly and of course feel "stalk-ish". I don't know... .

[fromheeltoheal]

My intent was to try to get on some sort of cordial terms with her because for whatever reason, it's important to me. It shouldn't after all of the BS. I do not understand my need for this.

Why is this such an obsession? I do not understand. Why is it so important for me to try to be on cordial terms with this person? UGH!

So if you had to come up with the real reason for the need, the obsession, what would it be WJH?  What you're feeling has little to do with your ex really, it's what you're making it mean.

A common one, certainly true for me, is the longing.  A borderline, someone without a fully formed self of their own and a need to attach, is not capable of forming the kind of intimacy that two autonomous individuals can, so our trying, and the longing that results from that unsatisfied desire, becomes the obsession, and it may remind us of a time earlier in our lives when we were feeling "unloved" and felt that longing, deep in our core, and so it feels very familiar when a borderline triggers it, and we never saw it coming, "borderline" wasn't stamped on our ex's forehead and they didn't come with a users manual.  So surprise!  Longstanding, dormant longing shows up unannounced.  Now what.  Well, a couple of choices: assign it to lost 'love' and be stalkerish and obsessed, or dig deep into that feeling on our own, removed from our ex, and see what comes up.  Very cool that.

Again, my brain says "NO!" but my heart says, "YES!".

Was it really your heart, or something else?  Up to you to decide, but this can be the project of a lifetime if you make it so, and again it may not have anything to do with her.

[FannyB]

WJH

Once you've reconciled why you feel like you do, the second question is how should you proceed? It doesn't sound to me that you've crossed any significant behavioral boundaries yet - just a text or two and an e-mail over the course of a few months doesn't sound excessive.

However, she didn't respond and you have to respect that. You've dipped your rod in the water and it's now up to the borderline fishy whether to take the bait or not. You can't lob a grenade in just to make sure that you get a response!

Borderlines can be extremely vindictive if fuelled by self-righteous indignation and if you carry on down this path you could be getting a knock on the door from the boys in blue. 

You've tried mate and it's up to her now. If she wants you for something she will be back in touch, but until then all you can do is leave well alone and focus on getting your head sorted. 


Fanny

[WhatJustHappened?]

Thanks again... .naw, no more attempts from my end. I've done all that I can reasonably do. I personally think I have been blocked but that's neither here nor there. It still means "I don't want to talk to you".

[WhatJustHappened?]

Boy, am I struggling. Here I am no less than 8 miles from exBPDgf and I really want to call her. This is really tough. I don't get back home much so it's extra hard. Home happens to be where

she lives. But I won't call! I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't and I intend to keep that promise.

I need some therapy. This is silly.

[FallBack!Monster]

I just had a thought... .I wonder if some of us talking about the same person.  They do date a lot of people at the same time, and gender is no object. 

Anyway, I have tried to stay in some type of contact with mine.  I still do.  But I think if I do that I am going to end up hating her. 

I have gotten better at not answering her calls and or text right away.  I live about 10 minutes from her.  Wish I had the urge to go see her.  Just the urge because she was fun when I wasn't detecting another lie. 

If I think of her in the days when she was fun, I want to have the urge to see her.  But when I remember why we're no longer close, the urge doesn't surface.   

Hope this helps.

[WhatJustHappened?]

So Aud, it does seems like we are all dating the same person. I've been here for some time and have gone through this thought process too. But the reality is that these emotional vampires just follow the same script. Its just a part of the disease. Sad.

I should have brought my list with me. That helps me. I made the list of all the bad things she did when it was fresh to help remind me to why I ran.

[wanttoknowmore]

WhatJustHappened,

You are not a stalker... .lot of nice men have behaved this way when pwBPD's mind plays push-pull game of inconsistency and unpredictability ... .its Crazy Making.  But, at the same time... I think its not totally under their control... .I don't know how much control they have when they do this and drive you crazy.

Don't doubt your sanity... .you were OK before her... .You will be OK after her. Its like infection you get when you are too close to your pwBPD.  Create distance ASAP to protect your own sanity.

[WhatJustHappened?]

WTKM, thanks a lot for saying that (not being a stalker). It really helps.

One last day before I go home. Just need to finish strong but the temptation to contact her is strong too. Its been harder than I thought it would be but then again, everything about this process has been hard.

[wanttoknowmore]

Lets think at deeper level why many of us   acted like a stalker... .although we did not have any prior history of stalking .  BPD relationship is very intense in honeymoon phase... .and the feelings are GENUINE and therefore very very powerful.  According to a normal human mind, when the connection between two minds is so deep, it is supposed to last and even if fades ... it should fade gradually with some kind of logical reasoning or explanation.

But, with BPD relationship, the break up is abrupt leaving a Non's mind shocked and puzzled. ("what the heck happened here." because it does not fit the logical schema of a normal human mind. Therefore, there is this intense urge to contact her to make sense of what just happened . Another reason is that due to a very beautiful bond suddenly breaking makes us in a sense of guilt, inadequacy and utter confusion. 

We long to understand this unusual break up and we still hope that those beautiful moments were real and we were not dumb to fall for an illusion. But, it was NOT an illusion ,it was true when she and you were in this divine connection... .that is the reason , we have such hard time detaching... If she was a antisocial/psychopathic mind, we will be rejoicing after the break up because psychopathic connections are fake and false only to take advantage of you. Its so easy to move on after breaking up with a psychopath.  pwBPD is a good soul with a very limited, damaged capacity to sustain loving relationship ... .her illness just does not let her do it. Give her space and wish her well. She at least tried to love you in spite of her severe limitation/capacity. Yes, we got hurt badly but she does not deserve our hatred... .her illness does.

[WoundedBibi]

The connection you had with your ex all of a sudden seems gone or false and you feel the need to reconnect or to check what was true. I haven't tried to contact him after I went NC. But I've done 'weird' stuff. To feel we were still connected? To check what was true? To understand who he really is? Who he was before the BPD hit him? All of those?

As he hasn't blocked me on Whatsapp, nor I him, I used have a sneak peek every now and again. Especially in the middle of the night (I'm often awake at night, especially when I was in a lot of physical pain). To see when he was last online. While doing this I kept wondering why I was doing this. So it was 5:00 am and he had last been there at 4:30. Yes, chances were he was incredibly drunk. Or he could just be awake (again) because he is a bad sleeper. Seeing the time he had been online didn't give me the answer which one it was. Or if he was feeling happy because someone gave him supply or unhappy because of me or unhappy about his life. He could be going through old messages (but I think that's more of a girly thing), checking unread messages, or messaging with someone. It didn't answer the next question either "who on earth is he messaging with at this time of night?". But it must have given me something because I kept doing it. I stopped weeks ago. 4? 6? I didn't even keep track 

I can remember one day, a Sunday. I woke up with a shock, sat up straight (well... tried to... not completely possible with 2 slipped discs... ) and the first and only thing out of my mouth was his name. And I just 'knew' something was up, something was wrong. I checked Whatsapp and he was there. At 9:30 in the morning. On a Sunday. A time he normally would never be online because he had gone to bed just a few hours before and would be sleeping of his hangover. Or his hangover and his high. The urge to reach out was *so* strong, to ask if he was ok. But I knew he would react badly and it would come back to bite me. So I didn't. I felt worried and tense and on edge all day.

We all do weird stuff. For me because my ex hardly spoke about himself and his past it's the trying to make sense of who he is. I was trying to solve this very complicated puzzle. Partly still am. But I'll explain that bit another time.

Don't feel bad about trying to reach out whether it is to feel connected or to understand what happened or to solve the puzzle. It's something we all do in one way or another.

[WhatJustHappened?]

WoundedBibi and wanttoknowmore, I think you nailed it for me. I can see both of your descriptions clearly which helps explains this obsession. I've never been or seen anything like this before.

If pwBPD can do this to us, what else can they do to hurt others? I can't even imagine if I was family or a long-time husband or wife, how that would play out.

Well, I'm back home in Colorado now so that is that. Time to move on as best as I can.

[wanttoknowmore]

WhatJustHappened,

I just would like to say that pwBPD DO NOT  do that to us intentionally... .its a disorder and while under the control of emotional dysregulating forces... such hurtful behavior emerges.

pwBPDs are not psychopaths... .once dysregulated they have no way to stop this nasty behavior UNLESS they learn early signs  through mindfulness and other type of therapies.