Money management

[lbjnltx]

www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rockieplace]

Can't believe I am writing this and am nervous to even do so as I'm getting quite superstitious in my old age and don't wish to jinx anything!  Got a text from BPDD (we are away at the moment) saying that she'd decided that the beauty course was a bad idea anyhow!  Hoozah!  She had decided instead to put the severance money she had received to a) pay off the balance on her car loan (she had phoned the loan company and got a settlement figure and discovered that she had already paid much more than she had thought) so that she could become mobile again and regain her independence and b) put the rest towards her next month's rent.  She said that she felt that this was by far the better use for her money! 

I hadn't said anything against the beauty course although I thought it was a very bad idea (sorry Lollipop - I think it sounds quite nice and girly to you in your house of men,  but it wouldn't have gained her a valid qualification and there is no way she could earn any money from it as the market is totally glutted with people wanting to do that who are much better qualified etc etc)

I validated her wish to regain her independence by getting the car back on the road (the tax etc had lapsed while she was hospitalized) and was able to sincerely agree that it was hard for her to have no car after having had one for so long!  She's been using her money swanning around in taxis too so it could prove more economical in the long run but I haven't mentioned this additional benefit either.

The great thing is that I didn't even suggest this option!  I haven't given any advice at all.  Fingers and everything else crossed right now!  If this is the power of validation then it is nothing short of miraculous although I know things could change and we could be back to square one tomorrow.   

[Lollypop]

Hi

Rockieplace: absolutely brilliant! Her confidence must have grown at coming to these decisions by herself. Also your own confidence in her! Such good decisions and actions taken to resolve her immediate problems. The power of your validation and that text is unbelievable. I'm so chuffed for you.

Lbj: thank you so much for this link. I went to it straight away and immediately found DBT Skills Interpersonal Effectivenss and found how to approach my own problem. I will use this site to practise.

I had a hat to eat! No money left on my desk and I wasn't happy. My H calmly said "he's most probably just forgot as he got in late".  So I wrote a note using the DEAR part of

DEARMAN and I apologised for writing but I couldn't find a convenient time to talk to him:

"This is the first week of paying towards your living costs and I think you simply forgot to leave the money on my desk when you got in last night. I'm worried that you haven't got the money or don't agree. I would like it if you pay me today. I think if you remember to pay on time it'll stop any negativity and be another thing that helps us get along better  "

The result is partially good in that I did get the money (great), plus he says I'll get it on time next week (acknowledgement - great) and Bpds opened up as to what the problem was (improved communication by him - another great).  All good? No, not quite.

It was inconvenient in that he only had £20 in his wallet and he said he needed this for weed. However, despite verbally saying what his priority was, he still placed it on my desk.  I saw at that very moment he acknowledged I was his priority.  He said that he had given me all he had but that he still owed me and he would now need to walk about 4 miles to get some cash.

I was caught on the hop again. I was pleased he'd explained to me what the problem was but I didn't like to hear it was drug related. I got confused as to what my priority was. I told him I wanted paying in full and that I would drive him to the ATM so I could get payment. I see now that this was validating the invalid. It is enabling. I should have just told him to walk.

I guess it's going to take me a long time to work all this out. I'm feeling overwhelmed. There's just so much to learn.   I'm feeling very uncomfortable about the weed and yes, we are enabling, but there is progress, well, at least I think there is. I need to think about this and reflect some but wants to share what's happened.

Thanks for reading.

L

[Slipping]

Hi Lollypop,

Thank you for the kind words.  I've been reading some of your posts, and it's obvious that you are committed to your son too.  You're so right that there's so much to learn. I don't know how long you've dealt with this, but it's been over 20 years for us.  I'm absolutely beyond grateful to finally find other people who "get it" and information that is making a difference.

If you do happen to buy the manual, I thought I'd add that you will want to skip Part 1.  That part is directed at a practicing therapist, with info on how to run a skills group.  If you move on to Part 2, that's where they begin to explain how the worksheets are used.  You may not even it though, if you use the dbtselfhelp site.  That would be helpful b/c the books are expensive!

My daughter is 29, and although she has multiple psychiatric diagnoses, no one has mentioned BPD to her as far as I know.   After she began self-harming and made a suicide attempt last year, I spoke to her psychiatrist and explained the BPD symptoms that she's suffered with most of her life. He encouraged her to see a DBT therapist, but still didn't mention BPD to her.  She has a history of failed therapy, including one who was using DBT.  Unfortunately, he wasn't running a full DBT program (with individual and group sessions), but used the workbook as part of his sessions with her.   He never even listened to her life story, just told her to read a book on depression, handed her the skills workbook and told her to start filling it out.  You can probably imagine how well that went over with her.  She quit after a few sessions.  This was such a bad experience that she won't even entertain the thought of going to any DBT therapist. And of course, it doesn't help that I think it would benefit her.  She's highly allergic to any suggestions from me!  At this point, I've stopped all attempts to get her to see someone, and I'm waiting on a better time to approach the subject (if that ever happens). 

I read your note above about using the DEARMAN skills.  Good for you!  I know what you mean about being caught unprepared and then second-guessing your response.  I think you're doing so well, though, b/c you spend time afterward thinking it through and that makes you better prepared for the next time.   

[Lollypop]

Hi slipping

Thanks so much for the encouragement. My BPDs25 has always been tricky, real problems started at 11 and I missed them through a string of close family deaths, 15 was "mission control, we have a problem" year.

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughters treatment. It emphasises the importance of really trying to get the treatment "fit" right for them. My BPDs has a similar view, very black and white, based on previous experiences with a small number of professionals (all pre diagnosis) he belittles everything about them. Because of this view, he doesn't seek treatment. With 6 failed appointments since mid Jan I wait patiently for him to go for his first uk mental health assessment.

The more I learn the more I understand. In my mind, it's all about confidence that it's going to work, he doesn't have any. Neither is he in a situation where he's desperate to try anything. I sincerely hope that your daughter finds her way to the right treatment soon.

I will buy the manual but after I've read "I don't have to fix everything". I'm going to print out the DEArman scenario for my H to read. I'm going to use "I feel, I need" statements. Baby steps for me!

L