Mother with BPD? Advice?

[wdib3]

Hi! I can't actually believe I'm doing this, I have never posted on a forum before, ever! I'm a 19 year old girl, turning 20 next week, which has been a major wake-up call for me, among other things. Last November, I went to see a gastroenterologist who diagnosed me with Anorexia Nervosa, and put all of my symptoms down to stress and depression. This was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over my head. Until that moment I have lived for years in unimaginable isolation, enduring circumstances in a kind of numbness, living as though I am completely immaterial, worthless and unimportant. I was referred to NHS mental health. Sadly, I have received no help except an assessment 2 months later and ongoing appointments at gastroenterology. I live on fruit smoothies, vegetable purees, cashew butter? and gallons of water, because of pain, sickness, nausea and so on, and I'm not sure my problems are 100% psychosomatic. But, considering my BMI is in the danger zone, being told stress is causing the symptoms that are partially causing my low weight has given me a sense of survival I'm grateful for. In a long-winded way, I'm trying to say that I have fully identified my 'stress factors', but I have no one I can tell. I'm scared that if I start talking/crying, I won't stop, and realistically, who's going to help if I do? No one can make said stress factors go away.

I believe my Mother has BPD. She lost her father age 10, and during her life before I was born she had been raped, taken drugs and drank, slept around, been in unstable relationships and attempted suicide while in those relationships - and I had all of this and all of the grizzly details landed on me while I was going through my own crisis at 17. Before that I had no idea, but what I can't shake off, is the trauma I felt when she told me all of this, and how inappropriate the timing was. I was depressed and scared, I was losing weight, I couldn't pander to her emotional needs as much because I was so lost in what was happening to me at the time (stalking and harrassment), and we were sitting in a restaraunt, and all I wanted to hear was reassurance, but instead "she had something to tell me". But for the entire year, it was as though she was losing control over me, and did whatever it took to regain it, and while I had no control over what was happening, it was like she had a desperation to make it about her, and to make sure I wouldn't do anything to leave her, by running away to escape everything or by killing myself. I don't know if the state I was in triggered bad memories for her? But it was as if for the whole time I was experiencing the hell I was going through, she was living in her head, re-living memories from 18 years ago?

Anyway. She fits BPD like a glove. But more than anything, I've recognized it based on descriptions of the lives of those who live with/love people with BPD. 'Walking on eggshells', 'FOG' (fear, obligation, guilt), these two things have struck me hard. Reading others experiences has provided me clarity with what the hell I've actually been through for over a decade, but also on-and-off through childhood.

I'm an only child. My Father has never been allowed access. He has taken my Mother to court 3 times, twice when I was a tot, and again when I was 9. As a child, she very gently told me that the reason I didn't have a Father was because 'he wasn't very nice to Mummy'. As I got older, it got a little bit more explanatory, she told me he had been violent (and to a small degree, how) and psychologically abusive and when she found out she was pregnant, she decided she had to protect her baby (and herself) from him, for good. But the same thing stood: if I ever wanted to ask questions, she would always be there for me and answer them the best she could. His absence, in my memory, was very healthy, up until I was dragged through court at 9 (Even if I didn't believe a word anyone has told me about him, I resent him for that). Even after that, I was totally ok with the fact I didn't have a Father and I believed and trusted everything she told me.

However, over the last 3-4 years, there has been a massive change in that. He is now one of the 'unspeakable subjects' I can't mention in fear of her rage, paranoia and complete madness. More than anything I'm scared anything will trigger the psychological purgatory she seems to fall into. She has forced me to swear that I have never had any contact with him, and even though I have truthfully sworn that I've never met/seen/contacted him, she has often treated me with distrust and once sat and said, "All I'm asking for, is some loyalty!" - which please understand, is so irrational. I have never shown anything but loyalty. But more than anything - I've never had a choice! The most disturbing aspect, is that she has continuously tried to convince me into thinking that my father was the 'mastermind' behind the stalking and harrassment I was subjected to by boys I knew from high school. For a long period of time, this was all she would 'talk' about, only there was no 'talking', it was kind of like a spinning spiralling cycle of verbal emotion - and no matter how selfless, rational, diplomatic and calm I would try to be, she would argue the same things over and over without end, without any placation. Then, in frustration, I would say something I actually meant, that actually expressed my emotions/thoughts and not hers, and BOOM, it would blow up and I was every b*tch under the sun. She would scold me (at 17) when I was out with her, for looking depressed or annoyed, in case anyone was watching, especially him. She told me some young boy at a bus stop played my Father's laugh out of his iPhone. She was convinced her driving instructor, the neighbours, people she seen while shopping, were all 'him'. I wouldn't be able to disagree with this, or else I'd be involved too. One of the harassers had at one point asked me "am I close to my Mum?" and this had 'stuck' in her head as evidence that my Father had made him ask that. And during the entire time while I was, in reality, being subjected to my own harrassment, behind closed doors I was also being subjected to the most damaging, heartbreaking brainwashing from my Mother that my Father was to blame. But as I said, she was in a kind of weird time warp, she wasn't with it and she was also taking high doses of pain killers all the time (to numb pain?) and high dosage nicotine lozengers. It stopped after we moved to the other side of the UK, but for a year afterwards, she would still randomly go through phases of obsessing about him, and arguing about him, and even saying she'd seen him, and saying I was in denial about his involvement.

This will sound gory, but at times I felt like I wanted to do a Van Gogh and cut my ears off, just to shut out her madness. I felt as if the insanity of everything I was living was physically cracking my skull. But 'I kept calm and carried on' and I tried to convert all of the pain into transcendence/spiritual understanding of life. But as a coping mechanism, that has only lasted so long until something else has had to give.

Three years later I feel completely broken. Every day I live like this non-self, rotating around my Mother, out of FOG. And FOG is so well named too, because that's exactly what it's like. I put all of my energy into following her thought patterns, accomodating her moods, talking ONLY about what she wants to talk about. I have no job, no friends, no life. I've never had any close relationships, really. My life is a nasty vicious circle of finding a spark of life and motivation to change my life and enjoy it, - experiencing something emotionally draining, and mentally warping with my Mother - to shutting myself in my room, wanting to die/disappear, wanting to be alone, 'needing space and silence', and finding the only control I have is keeping my calories under 1000 every day. Then 800, then 600. I now know that my Anorexia is directly triggered by the 'abuse' from my Mother. Only I feel so guilty to call it abuse, because I deep down feel so sorry for her, and I know it's not her fault, but I'm also now sure, it is not my fault either. She chastises me for saying sorry all the time, yet she's the reason why.

There are so many behaviours and patterns I could list. The typical ones being her extreme emotional swings, absolute instability, emptiness, inability to manage money (then borrowing what she spends off me, losing her temper if I even express any protests or wishes not to), paranoia, binge eating/no interest in health & fitness. But I also feel there is so much that is unique to her that I can't find 'listed' anywhere.

(continued in next post)

[wdib3]

I am completely suppressed. I say nothing and do nothing out of line, as to not trigger her reactions. I follow all of her invisible rules to keep her sane. Yet no matter how perfectly I try to 'behave', I always seem to be the problem. I'm always to blame. Over the last year, since I've felt like I have nothing to live for - I will argue back and assert myself if the topic really affects me directly, such as my Father, finance, and being accused of things I haven't done. As soon as she starts to lose the point she is making, or any arguments, she victimises herself shamelessly. For example, I will say something that takes both perspectives into account, calmly, kindly and rationally - but her reply will not 'reply' to mine at all, but will start on a half an hour lecture about how tired/overworked/ill/depressed she is, often hinting at a wish to die, often ending it with 'I really don't care'. But, to be honest, I actually believe her. This is always coupled with telling me how much I don't understand, don't help, drain our money and how much she resents doing chores and things for me (yet she contrarily prides herself on selflessness and workaholicism). Never acknowledges what I do, like I don't do it all. Everything I say warrants a loud and dramatic response, - and in general she just acts so psychotic as she 'argues', as though the words I've just said were not "Yes, Mum, I see your point, all I'm saying is that from my perspective blah blah blah' were in fact 'You're a bad mother, a bad person, you're lazy and self-righteous', or something else offensive. Sometimes I've been tempted to say something like that, just to see what would happen! But  by the end of it, I feel like I want to switch my senses off/sleep for a week/run away. By the next day however, everything's back to normal! Happy, smiley, hyper, comical - she's super caring, concerned, helpful, pleasant. This has been my life. Up down up down up down. Get soaked by rain and struck by lightening in the storm, then wait for it to blow over and enjoy the sun - but when clouds start to form again, run for cover.

In relation to my health, I believe I would benefit from living completely independently from her. I've believed that for 5-6 years. Maybe ever 10. But while I was a teen, I had no choice, I was dependent on her. Now I'm an adult, I have all sorts of health problems that are keeping me dependent. I can't take it anymore, now that I know what I need. I have an eating disorder, a sleep disorder, probably now a psychological/emotional disorder of my own (anyone else end up wondering if they're the psycho? if the relative with BPD is actually fine and you're the problem?), and definitely depression, as well as joint hypermobility and all the pains that go with being underweight (it hurts to press my spine against a wall while sitting).  I feel trapped. I want her to get help, but after posting this, I will most likely blitz the internet's history, because if she ever thought I thought she had BPD - she'd go ballistic and melt down. I just think our relationship is so f*cked up and dysfunctional, and totally imbalanced. She has all the power then accuses me of being controlling etc. She imposes habits onto me, then complains that I won't let her do anything different. She mirrors my moods - If I'm depressed, she's depressed, if I'm angry, she's angrier, if I'm sad, she's more sad than I am and has more reason to be sad than I do, but if I'm happy, she might still be angry. She has often lectured me (The lectures! Probably 45% of my life has been spend standing/sitting in silence, listening to lectures) about my emotions, pretty much stating they are inconvenient/problematic/selfish, while she has an absolute free-for-all whenever she likes. She kind of, regulates the emotion in the house with her own, and I'm expected to just follow/make her feel better. She mirrors me in general - anything I'm into, she's into too, she has no identity of her own. It freaks me out. She never apologizes for anything, the word 'sorry' is like poison on her tongue, and it's like she has no awareness WHATSOEVER of that which she causes/does.

She has hit me/put me up against the wall. Screamed in my face. Slammed doors in my face. Thrown me out of the house. When I was 11, she stood at my Grandma's gate and shouted "THAT LITTLE B*TCH MAKES ME MISERABLE" to my Grandma. She has publically shouted at me and walked in the opposite direction in the middle of an unfamiliar place. She has countless times shouted/lectured me until I have broken down in tears, sometimes in public... .as if that was her aim? She has accused me of all sorts. Did I mention she took me out of school at 10 years old to homeschool me? Until I was 13. Yeah. That was fun. And there is no way I could paint a full picture of the mind games, intimidation, irrationality and outbursts. She has 'worried' a lot about being perceived as a bad Mother, and sometimes I wonder if that comes out of guilt.

The last thing I'll mention is the total duality, which is the most painful thing. In between the sporadic nasty/psychologically absurd/cruel/manipulative/controlling/angry/scary episodes, she's a lovely, bubbly, generous, kind, funny person, who I think has genuinely cared for me and definitely given me a nice childhood. I want to think that that person in HER, and when she's angry, she's someone else. But for my sake, I can't afford to go on believing that. I can't play this game with my life, wasting my years waiting for her to change, for it to go back to the good times? I want her to get help but even suggesting that would send her haywire. I feel sick every time it dawns on my that I'm a twenty year old adult, when I still live like my 10 year old child self, in fear of what will happen next, sacrificing all self-expression and sense of self to avoid her anger. Every time she freaks out, I decide THIS IS IT, I'm leaving, I'm going to pack my bags and walk, leave all of my belongings. Then by the next day when she's nice to me again, I feel bad, guilty, I wipe it all out of my mind, and try harder to prevent a next time by being a better person. Now that I can't do any more to please her, and my health is suffering so that I don't have the energy I used to have to deal with this, I permanently feel as though I want to leave and never come back. I just don't know where to turn, and until recently, I've NEVER had ANY money (I've had zero, no income, kept without decent clothes and no passport/driving lessons). I would do anything for independence. The only thing that has kept me from running, believe it or not, are two large suitcases I have filled with notebooks, that I couldn't bear to abandon in case she opened them and read through them in my abscence. I no longer like myself, let alone love, I have no respect for myself, and almost hate myself for who I am within this household, weak, flatline, spiritless, devoid of all my personality I once had.

I'm angriest at my family, which includes my Grandma (who shows signs of a personality disorder and being a toxic parent also), my aunt (who DEFINITELY has a personality disorder and an eating disorder) and my uncle (who lives like I do, tipetoeing around my Aunt in fear of her psycho and paranoid reactions to things). My Aunt, my Mum and My Grandma have all had dysfunctional and toxic family dynamics their whole lives, since their father/husband died, but I can't help but blame my Grandma in particular, for having full knowledge of 'what my Mum is like', considering I have often confided in her about it and had to stay at hers when things have been bad - and yet I've had no help and no intervention. And she's betrayed me by telling my Aunt, who's then told my Mum, and then my Grandma denied telling my Aunt anything (triangulation, I think it's called). Thus I have no support network at all. It's just me, and because of that, I feel a lot of duty towards my Mum to 'look after her', and I worry what she'll do if I can finally afford to live independently, and how she'll live if she has to live alone. That's my family's fault. They've created her, but I also think my Grandma is a little bit scared of her.

I feel as if my mind can't take anymore of her mind, but all I want is for her to get help, but I can't even begin to tell her that. Everything goes smoothly if I keep my head down, shut up and do as she does, and follow those invisible, unspoken laws to keep her happy, including never crying/confiding in her on a day where she's been to work, never leaving her without money if I have any, never talking about anything that demands brainpower, never asking anything of her if she's been to work, not doing chores I've been asked to do. I love her, but I don't like her and I wish I could just make her sit down, in a straight jacket, with her mouth closed and LISTEN. Even better, I wish she could see me alone, staring into space and crying, in despair, especially after an episode, because I think she's a good person and she doesn't have full control over this, it's as though all the toxicity in her life has created these weird patterns inside her. Only I don't want her toxicity to then do that to me. If she really has BPD, I really wish I could just make that go away, because I would never want to hurt her feelings/offend her, but I can't bear how that isn't reciprocal. I couldn't stand her ever reading any of my diaries, or this post, because of how personally she'd take it, how paranoid she'd get over me 'putting something personal up on the internet', and probably in case my Father would come across it and finally have something on her. I just want her to change, but she never will. She'll never get help. And this will all continue for another 10 years if I don't bring it to an end now - but I could use some advice on how to?

I was meant to get counselling in relation to my eating disorder. I feel pressurized to stay underweight to ensure I get help, but I also can't gain weight because of my gastro problems. If I do get any psychological help I will try to talk to someone about this, because right now everyone just thinks it's Anorexia in response to stalking and harrassment, as simple as, and that I have a very secure home life/past, because that's what I told them. This is the first time I've told the truth, and I apologize to anyone who reads it for the length. But it feels so good to have typed this, and any advice or ideas would be deeply appreciated. Thanks for reading if you managed the whole thing.  

[Turkish]

Have you come across the term "emotional incest" yet, wdib3?

Your mother has taken this to an even lower level, making you responsible for her feelings, and also her identity (the mirroring), as well projective identification, perhaps. Her obsession with your father sounds like borderline paranoia.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling with your health issues. Has she been actively sabotaging you getting help? Not to minimize the money aspect, but what other things keep you in the home? It almost sounds like you are being kept prisoner, and the cycle of psychological abuse continues.

Turkish

[wdib3]

Thank you so much for reading & replying.

I haven't heard of that term, no. And I feel very guilty about all of this and about talking about her in this way. She's a good/kind person, even despite her BPD patterns and traits. But at times it's like she's my only ally, but also my worst enemy. She says things like 'You're the only person that can hurt me', 'If something happened to you, I'd have no reason to continue', yet I'm the same person who makes her life unbearable by not doing dishes, not giving her money when she's spent hers, not understanding anything, saying the wrong thing. Her behaviour is made up entirely of contradictions and it saddens me because I know I can't spend another year of my life like this, but I've never known anything else.

In fact, the only thing I can talk to her about are the gastrointestinal problems, but not the Anorexia, nor anything causing daily depression. How can I? She is also like a medical encyclopedia, and the one thing she'll talk about/show concern about are physical problems, but not psychological and emotional, and has no problem worsening/causing them if it is justified in her mind to do so. (Forgot to mention she has a degree in psychology... .).

The reason I'm at home is because I got hit by a car at 14, and subsequently left high school before I could finish my GCSEs. I totally lack employability and/or eligibility for high education (even though I have tried distance learning). My sleeping disorder (Circadian Rhythm Disorder) means that I cannot sleep until 4 in the morning, and don't wake until after 12:30pm, and it won't change no matter what I do. That also greatly interferes on my ability to make myself independent. I've had absolutely no money for over two years, and only recently had income support awarded to me based on my diagnoses. I've been able to stash a bit away which will potentially give me the freedom to make choices. She has insisted that I pay for both of our passports, as hers needs renewing. I have definitely felt like a prisoner, for years.

Basically I don't know what to do or where to go. She keeps me feeling as though I'm only 14 still, while I feel like I've lived for 40 years, not 20. I don't feel healthy enough to work and I don't know what options I have because I've lived for so long in my strange cocoon. I don't feel confident enough to make any decisions and act on them, really. And I'm scared that I'll spend the money I've saved on a decision that will backfire, or won't work out, or I won't have enough money to see it through. I just don't know how to break all the habits and start a new life when I feel so hopeless on every level.

Thank you.

[wdib3]

Thanks for pointing me towards 'emotional incest'. How it's described sounds very familiar, but I do prefer the term 'emotional enmeshment'. Either way, it's the role reversal and resultant responsibility.

[Turkish]

Thanks for pointing me towards 'emotional incest'. How it's described sounds very familiar, but I do prefer the term 'emotional enmeshment'. Either way, it's the role reversal and resultant responsibility.

It is a loaded term. I would agree that your story describes an enmeshment of your personality into hers (because she is unable to cope). The splitting, for me, was the hardest to deal with. Seeing someone who can at times be so loving, be so hateful or just plain off their rocker, is confusing enough to an adult, much less a child.

You seem limited in support by the rusty wheels of bureaucracy. Have you thought about calling a local hot line, maybe one for domestic violence? Maybe they can refer you to a resource.

[wdib3]

Yes, I totally agree with that! Feeling loved one minute and hated the next, while resenting and feeling sorry for the person doing such a thing. More than anything, at times, knowing how she makes me feel, I've sometimes been grateful that I'm not her and that I don't have to experience the agony she's obviously in first-handedly. Being subjected to someone's instability is dreadful - but what is it actually like inside their heads?

I think it's about time I make phonecalls and ask for direction, I agree. I can't work at the moment, therefore I can't live alone, but there has to be options available. As far as a hot line goes, I'm worried they may do something and she'll find out. Thank you for your advice. 

[Turkish]

My mother advocated for me as a little child, and even saved my life when I was 3 by performng the Heimlich on me when I was choking on a hot dog. When I was 13, she almost sent me into a coma from heat stroke (despite a horrific motorcyle accident when I was 17, my body and brain shutting down due to heat was the closest I've ever felt to dying). I think it was then that I stopped trusting her. She was severely dysregulating. She should have never placed me into that situation.

Those calls to local hotlines are anonymous. It's initially someone safe to talk to. You hold the cards of your life. Do erase your browsing history, too. This is about you, wdib3. Your time new. 

T.

[wdib3]

Wow, yeah. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has massive contradictions confusing them. I can relate to that kind of saviour/perpetrator contrast.

On the one hand my Mother pulled me out of primary school to end bullying that was going on from other children and teachers, then on the other hand, she spent 3 years after that bullying me through criticism, head games and anger. At least when it's outside of the home it's strangers, but when it's inside the home it's so much more hurtful. Then she says how proud she is of me because of the homeschooling. I can't deny it gave me a good education, but never happiness.

Thank you, I'll take that on board.

[Sarah girl]

Hello and   

I'm not sure how much time I have to respond, but I feel I need to. First of all, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. People have no idea how difficult and utterly devastating it is to be in this kind of situation as a young person  :'( :'(.  I'd like to say to you what I wish someone had said to me when I was your age. I am familiar with the kind of helpless isolation that you feel because my mom behaved in a very similar manner, telling me that I was the be-all and end-all of her emotional well-being. I spent my entire life trying to be her savior. I'm 41 years old, her happiness (or lack thereof) is always in the back of my mind, eating away at my happiness. I can tell you that I have realized that I have not been able to save her in any way. She grows more bitter and unwell by the day.

As painful as it is to watch her diminish, I have had to find the courage to limit my contact with her and take back my life. When I was your age, my feeling of failure to rescue her as well as her cruelty/kindness dichotomy gave me such feelings of despair. I hated myself and felt worthless. I also obsessed about my weight and being "perfect" physically. I had no friends for a while because my mom told me that there was no such thing as friendship and that only she could be confided in. I missed out on my youth and a good chunk of my adulthood. There were times when I wished I never existed. Later on in life, I found out how many people actually cared about me and were trying to reach out. I was blind to this because I didn't think that I was lovable or attractive in any way. If only I had seen what was really there instead of what I perceived about myself... .

The only way that any of this is going to change is if you decide to change it. You are an adult and responsible for yourself first and foremost. You absolutely deserve to not only have your own life, space and privacy, but you also deserve to be happy and have love in your life. You deserve to live on your own terms. No amount of sticking around is going to ever help your mom. I know it's hard to break away because you love her. However, as the years go by, you might regret all the lost time and have a deep resentment and anger towards her. This pattern will not end well for anyone.

You are not alone. All it takes is courage to reach out to people. There are good people out there who will love and accept you. Perhaps they will never fully understand your experience, but they will love you for who you are. Based on your posts, you seem like a very resilient, intelligent and talented person. Point #7 of the Survivor's Guide's Remembering section resonated deeply with me. I learned that I needed to speak to that inner child with kindness and acceptance.

You are not worthless or helpless. You are more than what your mom is trying to make you out to be. Her unhappiness is not your failure.

You may never have the opportunity to be heard or understood by her. She may never acknowledge what she has done to you. It doesn't matter because the validation doesn't need to come from her.

I wish I knew then what I know now. Break free and enjoy your life. Please please get some help to work through this. It's time to advocate for yourself. You really don't have to answer to her - the world is a much bigger place.

Also, you mentioned fear that you would invest money in the wrong choices. Clearly, the current situation is not ideal. It wouldn't be the end of the world if you had to make a few mistakes before getting on track. Life is not black and white. Everything is a gradual process. The important thing is to keep trying and not give up.

You will not be stuck in this cocoon forever. Hope is always there. Start by being kind to yourself. You have my full support, dear. Be well