Hi All, I was doing so well... .able to give advice, feeling so strong! I think the refiling of separation papers and knowing this will all be over with in 3 months has made me back slip. I keep crying again... .not because I want him back, just because I wish it was different. I know we all do. For some reason I keep thinking that if I hadn't had been so "controlling and telling him what to do", maybe things would have been different. It seems even in "normal" relationships it's not good to be demanding or controlling. People keep telling me that because he acted so off the norm and did all kinds of horrendous things that I had no choice and anyone else would have told him the same thing and/or been out of the r/s years ago. He kept feeling like he couldn't do anything right with me. Sometimes telling someone not to put something down the disposal would be helpful to avoid a big expense, but with him... .I am suppose to just let him break it and find out apparently. The don't do drugs, don't lie, don't drink and drive, don't flirt with your co-workers are pretty obvious to "normal" people as well... .Why am I still blaming myself? Why do I keep thinking because the gf is younger, maybe he is happier? Maybe she doesn't care about his immaturity... .she may be as well. Having a baby with someone will put things in perspective for them both... .or not. He may just go off the deep end and leave when the going gets tough. I know I am supposed to be happy I am out of it, but suddenly I am feeling lonely and hate the big impending ":)" word... .: (
It is completely normal that you are feeling triggered by the ending of your r/s... .it may have ended a while ago but filing the papers makes it real.
Sometimes I would "suddenly" feel really sad, and I finally learned to identify my triggers. For some reason, this really helped me get a handle on my sadness. I almost always discovered that my sadness was triggered by something (a song, a place we went together, etc.) and once I named it, I somehow felt less out of control... ."Okay, I'm not an emotional wreck; I just got triggered by something that would make
anyone else sad in the same situation. It will pass" (and it always did).
I also ended up in a parentified r/s with my ex. I also spent time wondering if I was too controlling... .I probably was at times. Partly because my ex wanted it in the beginning, wanted someone to take care of her and all of the "adult" responsibilities that are, frankly, a hassle. I should have never agreed to this kind of setup - but I did, and over time we BOTH grew to resent it.
This is the truth: if your ex has BPD, there's very little you could have done to change the outcome. Go over to the staying boards. I do sometimes if I second guess myself, and all I see are tormented souls trying to make r/s's work in next to impossible situations.
Be gentle towards yourself. The next three months may be an emotional rollercoaster for you, but you'll get through it and you'll be okay!
