Insight on my feelings...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Let me begin by saying thank you to everyone that has helped me in this journey.  Without you, I would have thought I was crazy.  But, I now know that I was in love with an illusion.  

I have recently found out many lies, that were told over the course.of our relationship.  Lies that hurt, we're useless, but explains so many things.  My exBPD is married, which was never told to me, lived a lifestyle that I could not believe, but I do now... .she lied about every relationship she was ever in.  She told me they were friends, when one was her husband and the other is an ex... .anyway.  I have figured out that she is not a real person.  She molds to the person she is with.  When she was with D, she lived an alternative lifestyle.  With B, she became heavily into tattoos and piercings.  With me, became a "Christian" and family oriented.  If she sat beside me today, her body would be that of my ex, but I side she would never be the same person.  She would be that of my replacement.  I am not sure how I feel about all of this.  I am numb in a sense.  I am not angry, sad, no more fog, no sympathy... .just indifferent.  The person I fell in love with does not exist.  It is like she died.  I fell in love with myself, because she mirrored me.  With that being said, I have decided to date myself for awhile and be kind to myself.  When J left, I felt hollow... .I still do.  I miss the person I fell for.  I loved the person who I thought she was.  :)oes any of this make sense?  I am seeing a counselor and a therapist.  :)oes anyone else out there just feel indifferent?  Is this a normal feeling?  She became violent only on the night she left, however she would yell a lot.  Some insight would be appreciated.  

[confusedandangry]

Let me begin by saying thank you to everyone that has helped me in this journey.  Without you, I would have thought I was crazy.  But, I now know that I was in love with an illusion.  

I have recently found out many lies, that were told over the course.of our relationship.  Lies that hurt, we're useless, but explains so many things.  My exBPD is married, which was never told to me, lived a lifestyle that I could not believe, but I do now... .she lied about every relationship she was ever in.  She told me they were friends, when one was her husband and the other is an ex... .anyway.  I have figured out that she is not a real person.  She molds to the person she is with.  When she was with D, she lived an alternative lifestyle.  With B, she became heavily into tattoos and piercings.  With me, became a "Christian" and family oriented.  If she sat beside me today, her body would be that of my ex, but I side she would never be the same person.  She would be that of my replacement.  I am not sure how I feel about all of this.  I am numb in a sense.  I am not angry, sad, no more fog, no sympathy... .just indifferent.  The person I fell in love with does not exist.  It is like she died.  I fell in love with myself, because she mirrored me.  With that being said, I have decided to date myself for awhile and be kind to myself.  When J left, I felt hollow... .I still do.  I miss the person I fell for.  I loved the person who I thought she was.  :)oes any of this make sense?  I am seeing a counselor and a therapist.  :)oes anyone else out there just feel indifferent?  Is this a normal feeling?  She became violent only on the night she left, however she would yell a lot.  Some insight would be appreciated.  

[bunny4523]

Hi confusedandangry,

Yes it sounds very close to home for me.  They do mold to be who they think you will love.  I also found that I felt like I fell in love with an illusion which made it easier for me to walk away.  Since it wasn't real anyway, I didn't really lose anything.  I no longer remember the illusion he was because all my memories are of the crazy mean things he would say and do.  No one else views me this way so the easiest thing for me to do to get rid of this negative inaccurrate persona of me, was to cut him out of my life.

I went through the anger and the fog and the sympathy.  I would say that I am indifferent now but also still anxious.  I won't waste unnecessary time in his presence, I don't care to have someone like him in my life and I have nothing nice to say about him. (I understand he isn't well and probably doesn't even understand the things he did) but i don't care,   I just want him to leave me alone.   

I still have to work with my ex so it's harder since I can't put it completely behind me.  I defintaley recommend seeing a therapist, try and find someone who specializes in BPD.  I think talking it out, helps to let it go, forgive yourself, and stop longing for them to take accountability and apologize for what they did to you.  From what I have read, they aren't capable of looking at our hurt feelings because they feel like they are only reacting to what we did to them (even though the threat wasn't even real) and their emotions are so intense, there is no room to think about ours.  That part was and still is the hardest for me to try and let go of.  There seems to be no remorse, here is a saying that helped put it into perspective for me: I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry and accept an apology I never received.

[C.Stein]

The person I fell in love with does not exist.  It is like she died.  I fell in love with myself, because she mirrored me.

It is not uncommon for a borderline to mirror their partner.  It comes from a lack of self, of not knowing who they really are so they look to their partner for their self-identity.  Some are more inclined to do this than others.  Your ex seems to be the worst case scenario and it is so incredibly difficult to understand and accept this.  I also feel like my ex died in the sense she did things that I had convinced myself she would never do.   In the end she has become a complete stranger to me and that has shaken me to my core.

The lies, especially the ones for the most petty and selfish reasons, are the ones that hurt the most.   This betrayal of trust is extremely difficult to get over especially when your partner doesn't really believe they did anything wrong.  Your ex seems to have built her life and identity around lies, she doesn't know anything else.  It may even be pathological in the extreme sense where she actually believes the lies are the truth in order to paint a picture of herself that is acceptable in her own eyes.

I know how incredibly difficult it is when your own reality and beliefs are shattered.  It brings into question every single gut instinct you ever had that your partner was not being completely honest with you.  It also leads to you questioning yourself and not in a positive way.

It will be difficult for you to come to terms with this, I know it has been for me.  If you can, try to find the door to acceptance.  It is there even if you can't seem to find it right now.

[confusedandangry]

See, that is the thing.  I have accepted she is gone.  I do not want to be in a relationship with her.  I still love the person, that I thought she was... .but that person just does not exist.  If she sat beside me today, the body of the person I fell in love with would be there, but not the inside... .the core that makes a person.  I do not know this person she is... .I'm struggling with the part that I'm not angry or sad... .that I am just indifferent.  I loved this person dearly, but I have accepted she does not exist.  The logical side of me is taking over rather than the emotional and I am curious if that has happened to others... .I can't forgive her... .I have no desire to forgive someone who does not ask for it... .I am working on forgiving myself.  I find it hard to believe that BPD people do not realize they hurt others... .they know.  They chose to continue doing, because it is about them.  Have I moved on and let it go, yes.  I am complete NC... .I like it that way... .could care less what she is doing.  As long as it is not walking back into my life... .

[C.Stein]

I loved this person dearly, but I have accepted she does not exist.

Have you though?

When J left, I felt hollow... .I still do.  I miss the person I fell for.  I loved the person who I thought she was.  Does any of this make sense?

It does make sense.  I also miss and love the person I believed she could be.  As it turns out the disorder, assuming she suffers from BPD, overshadowed almost all the good in her and within our relationship.  This had significant impact on me during our relationship and I spent 2 years trying my best to hold onto hope she could find a way out of this, to be "the one" I had come to believe she was.  Letting go of that hope and dream has been very very difficult. 

Did you find yourself hoping for something you knew somewhere inside was likely to never happen?

[bunny4523]

confusedand angry -"The logical side of me is taking over rather than the emotional and I am curious if that has happened to others... "

I think it depends on when the indifferences came in... .there are stages that you are likely to go through after something like this happens.  I went through confusion, fear, anger, sympathy and now mainly indifferent.  I've been told by my therapist that is the healthy way to do it.  I guess if you start off with indifferent from the beginning, it could be seen as denial.  But as long as you are addressing the issues and feelings as you have them... .I personally don't think there is anything wrong with being indifferent.  I think it's pretty healthy once you are able to be logical about it and not let your emotions drive you. 

You say you realize the illusion doesn't exist therefore it makes sense to me that you would be indifferent.  That's how I felt too and a couple friends asked me how I got over it so quickly.  I was working on getting over it while I was still in it so by the time I physically moved out, so as soon as I was safe, I felt indifferent.       

[Caley]

Congratulations Confusedandangry (no longer).

Indifference is a good place to be ... but, rather than view indifference as having negative connotations, think of it as 'peacefulness'.

Are you feeling peaceful?

Bunny. I can relate to your post ... I too worked through it whilst still in the relationship. A good while later ... after feeling indifferent about her ... I began to let the love for her back out again ... but I didn't go back in. Now, when I think of her ... there's a great deal of peace.

[confusedandangry]

@C. Stein, in the beginning I was hoping for something.  I was hoping to get the love back that I thought was there.  I do believe she loved me, as much as she could.  But, it wasn't a healthy love.  I was the giver in the relationship and she the taker.  I gave so much of myself that I became hollow... .I lost who I was trying to make her happy. 

I am at peace with things.  The more lies, the more about BPD and the more I figured out I couldn't "rescue" her, the more at peace I became.  It was like the more untruths I found out the more I detached from her.  Unfortunately, I didn't find out the lies until she had left, found a replacement and had put me so far into a depression that I was suicidal.  I have gone thru the denial, anger, hurt, fog, sympathy and now... .she is just a stranger.  I see her picture, but she is not a real person to me.  I suppose I have become not confused and angry any longer.  I say what I am grateful for daily... .one of them being that I am no longer walking.on eggshells with her.  I have reconnected with friends and family.  I have lost 30 lbs and am healthy again.  All of this in a total of a month... .I can see the light and honestly... .it is beautiful.  I pray that all can wake up and realize they did us a favor.  We deserve so much more than what we were dealing with in our relationships. 

[khibomsis]

C&A, when I was coming out of suicidal depression, I would wake up each morning with such joy. Months later, as I put my life back together, I would tell myself'I am up, out of bed, bathed, dressed, breakfasted and on my way to work". I had to have been there at rock bottom before I could appreciate what an achievement that was. I swore I would never forget that feeling.

Well, of course, life got busy and now I rarely wake up with that feeling of joy. I have gotten used to being alive. But I am not at all surprised that you should be in a state of detachment. Enjoy it! You have worked hard to be where you are. I have followed your posts and know how hard it was for you to get there.

In relation to the BPD people in my life, I think of it as an allergy. As long as I am not exposed to them I will not come out in hives. Then it is no problem to be peaceful.

Still, nobody is wholly violent, emotionally or physically. If there was not something good in them we would have found nothing to love. We can honour the love we felt by accepting that the good we saw was not enough, not consistent, maybe even not real, but let's face it, if it had been 100% abusive it would have beeen easy to detach. I think it is the occasional flashes of humanity that are most painful to remember. That said, my suss with BPD is that it is no use trying to understand them. Their logic is not our logic. In fact, once I accepted that they make no sense it became a defining feature for me. Am not yet at compassion but it seems more within reach once I gave up trying to understand.  It is what it is.

Recovery is not a linear process and you may yet experience ups and downs. I would say don't waste any emotional energy on trying to figure your ex out. You need all you can get for your own healing. I hope you find yourself soon - and love what you find!

[confusedandangry]

Thank you Khi... .I know all to we'll that feeling of telling yourself, I am awake, showered, dressed, breakfasted, and on my way to work.  The one thing that pulled me thru and gave me a sense of being were my dogs.  They kept me on a routine until I could gain some sense of balance. 

My journey has not been easy.  It is not over, by far.  I found myself last night curious as to what other lies I have been told and decided to go on the mission to find them.  I found another one and it was of her arrest for domestic battery.  Obviously, she has been violent with her other relationships and I am grateful I walked away with only a few bruises and a mental scar.   I know that with my therapy and hard work the mental scar will heal in time or be less noticable.  I pray for my replacement and those that are in the line of fire for the destruction that she brings.  I know the only thing I can control is me.  I miss the good I thought I saw... .the side that must have been mirrored in me.  I am slowly finding myself and I am liking who I am again.  I didn't like me much when I was with her... .I lost my humor, my compassion, patience, my drive... .I lost a big part of me.  I have decided rather than journal, I wanted to share with you all here.