in need of closure.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All

As you all know closure is the most difficult part of breaking up with a BPD partner. You Get confused and you try to make sense of what happened.

I have written something down, with some research and understanding more about BPD i wrote a letter about MY BPD Ex or one of those letters that they are not suppose to be sent. Anyway i would like a feed back and be truthful please.

The other side of the coin!

(Adapted from How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves)

At first, she appeared sweet, shy, vulnerable and “ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

In the beginning, I felt a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she was master at portraying herself as the "victim of love" and I was saving her. Looking closely I could see her as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advanced upon me, I would hear how no one understands her, except me. Other people have been "insensitive." She was betrayed just when she start trusting people. But there is something "special" about me now, because "I really seem to know her now."

It was this intense way she had of bearing down on me emotionally that felt very seductive. I would feel elevated, adored, idealized, almost worshiped, and maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And I felt that way very quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of us in a short period of time, because conversations were intense, her attention, and her eyes so deeply focused on me.

There she was, a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seemed to make me the center of her attention, but she even craved listening to my opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like I have really found my heart's desire.

Like many things that seem too good to be true, this definitely was. It all seemed so real because it was real in her mind. But what is in her mind is not what she perceives to be happening.

Once she had successfully candied her hook with her adoration, she welded it into place by “reeling in” my attention and concern. Her intense interest in me subtly transformed over time. She appeared to be interested in me, but no longer in what I was interested in. Her interests become my exclusive interests in her. This was when I started to notice “something”. My thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinated her, but more so when they focused on her. I could tell when this happened because I could feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever my attention focused upon her feelings and issues. Those moments emotionally hooked my compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she treated me well, tenderly.

It was here where I begin to confuse my empathy with love, and I believe I am in love with her. My instinct was so strong and rescuing at the heart of my being or code to existence. Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues.

I’d fall prey to this Trojan horse and let her inside my city gates; the first berserker to leave the Trojan horse was the devious clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she was brilliant at provoking sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it like a steady-tempered and tender hearted.

The world ails her. Physical complaints were common. Her back hurt, her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts came and left like invisible, malignant companions. If I only tracked their appearances, though, I may have seen a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of my attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And her maladies were simply not physical. Her feelings ailed her too.

She was depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She could swing from overjoyed protest to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods it was like tracking the needle on a scale chart next to an active volcano, and I would never know which flick of the needle would predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional thrill she plead for my mercy. And when I was imbedded in her guilt-hooks deep enough into my conscientious nature, I would stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that I could discover how to stop this mountain before it blows again. But, in reality, staying around this black pot of emotional unpredictability was pointless. Every effort to understand or help her was an excruciatingly and pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

The attention, the intense focus I was getting from this person was not love. Yes, there was lots of it, even in her negativity. I felt kind of "magnified" with her reactions even if some were very negative - I think dramatic reactions of the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) partner has a significant role in this.

After distinguishing between attention and love, I had to formulate that attention+warmth does not equal love, either. It resembles love at the surface level but it isn't love - as I understand it to be, as I try to give to my loved ones.

The attention, the childlike excitement and happiness that she had when she saw me were certainly addictive. It is also one of the hardest things to overcome for me given now she almost certainly sees me as a pariah, a stain on her life.

This attention and warmth I received from her was her version of "love", which isn't love at all. She gave her dog the same type of attention and warmth as she gave me... .Kind of gives additional meaning to lapdog. I believe she linked things like cuddling on the couch, holding hands in public, sex, going on special outings, etc... .As being equal to love. However emotional intimacy, true love, goes far deeper than superficial "loving" acts and things you do together. You can certainly have true love in these types of acts but not without emotional safety, respect and trust. These are the things she repeatedly compromised which is the polar opposite of true love, or any kind of love for that matter.

When she finally broke me completely, all these acts ceased to have any meaning at all because I no longer felt she loved me.  I no longer felt emotionally safe with her at all. These acts were superficial and shallow because her love was superficial and shallow. There was no intimacy anymore when cuddling on the couch or "making love". She took/destroyed the meaning and depth out of the "love" I felt we had once shared. I no longer felt comfortable doing these "loving" things with her because I didn't feel they were real anymore nor did I feel safe. They had become a farce with respect to her and knowing this now brings great sorrow to my heart.  

I wanted desperately to have the emotional intimacy, the complete unwavering emotional trust in her, to give her my uninhibited trust and love. I wanted to feel unafraid to completely expose myself emotionally to her. Yet she could never seem to find a way to cherish, protect and value the love and trust I gave her.  

At times I feel she did value my love, of this I have no doubt. However she also wouldn't hesitate to use my love for her against me or to throw my love and emotional well being under the bus for her own benefit. She couldn't see (or didn't want to) the damage she was doing or accept responsibility for it and it slowly destroyed me. Attempts to talk to her about these things were as fruitful as talking to a stump. I continued to hold on to hope like a blind fool, continued to believe in the good person I know she can be, refusing to believe she couldn't find a way to truly love me the same as I did her. Sadly the more she compromised my emotional well being the less safe I felt with her and the more distant I became. My love got overshadowed by the fear and anxiety she caused within me. I feel guilty for this now even though I know I probably shouldn't.

Now 3 months after being thrown away like trash I still find myself "hoping" and feeling anxious at times. I find myself struggling with believing this woman who I loved like no other, who I though loved me like no other, could be so cold-hearted and cruel in the end, that she could do the things she did to me and still claim to "love" me.  

Perhaps what I really struggle with is why I allowed it to happen even when I saw the potential for it right from the beginning. Perhaps I am more disappointed and disgusted with myself than I am with her.

She hurt me bad in March, she hurt me more in August and almost killed me in October but I understand why, and that is why I forgave her. My self-esteem broke down to its foundation. I feel so used for the security and stability I had to offer. I was the cash cow providing and caring. Now, she through me away and moved on to the next, leaving me behind to pick my own life up. “I never experience the true touch of love”. With this letter to you I hope to find my closure, I feel free now, not from her but from the betrayal. The pain in my heart is settling down and I still have some way to go. I don’t have any motive to study my history anymore. This was a painful journey during my quest to seek answers. But now I must grant myself time to grief the loss of my life and heal my wounds. The longing for my companion will fade.

I loved her, I always did but I am moving in an opposite direction from her now. I accepted the inevitable. My life does not include her anymore and I begin to understand and re-live my own ideals and prospects. Due to circumstances the pain and scars are too raw within me to accept her as a person back in my life. One day perhaps soon, perhaps later, no one can tell, our paths might cross again.

Thank you for reading

[Heartbroken_guy]

Hi All

As you all know closure is the most difficult part of breaking up with a BPD partner. You Get confused and you try to make sense of what happened.

I have written something down, with some research and understanding more about BPD i wrote a letter about MY BPD Ex or one of those letters that they are not suppose to be sent. Anyway i would like a feed back and be truthful please.

The other side of the coin!

(Adapted from How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves)

At first, she appeared sweet, shy, vulnerable and “ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

In the beginning, I felt a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she was master at portraying herself as the "victim of love" and I was saving her. Looking closely I could see her as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advanced upon me, I would hear how no one understands her, except me. Other people have been "insensitive." She was betrayed just when she start trusting people. But there is something "special" about me now, because "I really seem to know her now."

It was this intense way she had of bearing down on me emotionally that felt very seductive. I would feel elevated, adored, idealized, almost worshiped, and maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And I felt that way very quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of us in a short period of time, because conversations were intense, her attention, and her eyes so deeply focused on me.

There she was, a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seemed to make me the center of her attention, but she even craved listening to my opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like I have really found my heart's desire.

Like many things that seem too good to be true, this definitely was. It all seemed so real because it was real in her mind. But what is in her mind is not what she perceives to be happening.

Once she had successfully candied her hook with her adoration, she welded it into place by “reeling in” my attention and concern. Her intense interest in me subtly transformed over time. She appeared to be interested in me, but no longer in what I was interested in. Her interests become my exclusive interests in her. This was when I started to notice “something”. My thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinated her, but more so when they focused on her. I could tell when this happened because I could feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever my attention focused upon her feelings and issues. Those moments emotionally hooked my compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she treated me well, tenderly.

It was here where I begin to confuse my empathy with love, and I believe I am in love with her. My instinct was so strong and rescuing at the heart of my being or code to existence. Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues.

I’d fall prey to this Trojan horse and let her inside my city gates; the first berserker to leave the Trojan horse was the devious clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she was brilliant at provoking sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it like a steady-tempered and tender hearted.

The world ails her. Physical complaints were common. Her back hurt, her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts came and left like invisible, malignant companions. If I only tracked their appearances, though, I may have seen a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of my attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And her maladies were simply not physical. Her feelings ailed her too.

She was depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She could swing from overjoyed protest to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods it was like tracking the needle on a scale chart next to an active volcano, and I would never know which flick of the needle would predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional thrill she plead for my mercy. And when I was imbedded in her guilt-hooks deep enough into my conscientious nature, I would stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that I could discover how to stop this mountain before it blows again. But, in reality, staying around this black pot of emotional unpredictability was pointless. Every effort to understand or help her was an excruciatingly and pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

The attention, the intense focus I was getting from this person was not love. Yes, there was lots of it, even in her negativity. I felt kind of "magnified" with her reactions even if some were very negative - I think dramatic reactions of the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) partner has a significant role in this.

After distinguishing between attention and love, I had to formulate that attention+warmth does not equal love, either. It resembles love at the surface level but it isn't love - as I understand it to be, as I try to give to my loved ones.

The attention, the childlike excitement and happiness that she had when she saw me were certainly addictive. It is also one of the hardest things to overcome for me given now she almost certainly sees me as a pariah, a stain on her life.

This attention and warmth I received from her was her version of "love", which isn't love at all. She gave her dog the same type of attention and warmth as she gave me... .Kind of gives additional meaning to lapdog. I believe she linked things like cuddling on the couch, holding hands in public, sex, going on special outings, etc... .As being equal to love. However emotional intimacy, true love, goes far deeper than superficial "loving" acts and things you do together. You can certainly have true love in these types of acts but not without emotional safety, respect and trust. These are the things she repeatedly compromised which is the polar opposite of true love, or any kind of love for that matter.

When she finally broke me completely, all these acts ceased to have any meaning at all because I no longer felt she loved me.  I no longer felt emotionally safe with her at all. These acts were superficial and shallow because her love was superficial and shallow. There was no intimacy anymore when cuddling on the couch or "making love". She took/destroyed the meaning and depth out of the "love" I felt we had once shared. I no longer felt comfortable doing these "loving" things with her because I didn't feel they were real anymore nor did I feel safe. They had become a farce with respect to her and knowing this now brings great sorrow to my heart.  

I wanted desperately to have the emotional intimacy, the complete unwavering emotional trust in her, to give her my uninhibited trust and love. I wanted to feel unafraid to completely expose myself emotionally to her. Yet she could never seem to find a way to cherish, protect and value the love and trust I gave her.  

At times I feel she did value my love, of this I have no doubt. However she also wouldn't hesitate to use my love for her against me or to throw my love and emotional well being under the bus for her own benefit. She couldn't see (or didn't want to) the damage she was doing or accept responsibility for it and it slowly destroyed me. Attempts to talk to her about these things were as fruitful as talking to a stump. I continued to hold on to hope like a blind fool, continued to believe in the good person I know she can be, refusing to believe she couldn't find a way to truly love me the same as I did her. Sadly the more she compromised my emotional well being the less safe I felt with her and the more distant I became. My love got overshadowed by the fear and anxiety she caused within me. I feel guilty for this now even though I know I probably shouldn't.

Now 3 months after being thrown away like trash I still find myself "hoping" and feeling anxious at times. I find myself struggling with believing this woman who I loved like no other, who I though loved me like no other, could be so cold-hearted and cruel in the end, that she could do the things she did to me and still claim to "love" me.  

Perhaps what I really struggle with is why I allowed it to happen even when I saw the potential for it right from the beginning. Perhaps I am more disappointed and disgusted with myself than I am with her.

She hurt me bad in March, she hurt me more in August and almost killed me in October but I understand why, and that is why I forgave her. My self-esteem broke down to its foundation. I feel so used for the security and stability I had to offer. I was the cash cow providing and caring. Now, she through me away and moved on to the next, leaving me behind to pick my own life up. “I never experience the true touch of love”. With this letter to you I hope to find my closure, I feel free now, not from her but from the betrayal. The pain in my heart is settling down and I still have some way to go. I don’t have any motive to study my history anymore. This was a painful journey during my quest to seek answers. But now I must grant myself time to grief the loss of my life and heal my wounds. The longing for my companion will fade.

I loved her, I always did but I am moving in an opposite direction from her now. I accepted the inevitable. My life does not include her anymore and I begin to understand and re-live my own ideals and prospects. Due to circumstances the pain and scars are too raw within me to accept her as a person back in my life. One day perhaps soon, perhaps later, no one can tell, our paths might cross again.

Thank you for reading

[JerryRG]

Thank you heartbroken

You helped me see how the pwBPD really are. I still struggle with blaming her then myself, I'm still foggy, spend way too much brain power consumed in trying to understand my ex.

Your insight is so appriciated and thank you for sharing.

[WoundedBibi]

Hi hearbroken_guy  

Ok... not sure what it is you want feedback on, and forgive me if I sound blunt, but you seem to contradict yourself. Works better to show you with quotes, I know, but it takes too long on my iPad and I'm lazy. Sorry     In the beginning you say you confused compassion with love and *thought* you were in love. Showered by her attention you felt worshipped almost. Towards the end you say you really loved her. Did you grow into really loving her from the confused compassion stage? Or did you think you really loved her, but in the end maybe you didn't and it was more that you loved being loved and the feeling she gave you?

I'm not judging or anything; I've been thinking about that a lot lately with regards to myself. Did I really love him? If so, what was *so* amazing about him? His moodswings? His substance abuse? Yes, he was gorgeous and smart and charming and funny and witty and softly spoken and well read. But is that enough to love someone? Or was it about me? Did I love him because he seemed vulnerable and soft and shy and reminded me of my dad? Did I love him because he was so like me? Was I given myself me? Did I love him because he made me feel great and so very very much alive? Did I love him because I could play his saviour? Did I love him because I always root for the underdog? I felt uncomfortable with him showering me with attention and affection from day one. Professions of love on day 2. And I remember thinking "no you don't. You have no idea who I am". But I still went with it...

As I have been thinking about what real love actually is and if I really loved *him* (or at least the him he showed me at first) I couldn't help but notice what seems you contradicting yourself.

Two more questions: if you still have some way to go why do you no longer have motivation to study your history? And what do you mean with grieving the loss of your life?

[Heartbroken_guy]

Hi hearbroken_guy  

Ok... not sure what it is you want feedback on, and forgive me if I sound blunt, but you seem to contradict yourself. Works better to show you with quotes, I know, but it takes too long on my iPad and I'm lazy. Sorry     In the beginning you say you confused compassion with love and *thought* you were in love. Showered by her attention you felt worshipped almost. Towards the end you say you really loved her. Did you grow into really loving her from the confused compassion stage? Or did you think you really loved her, but in the end maybe you didn't and it was more that you loved being loved and the feeling she gave you?

I'm not judging or anything; I've been thinking about that a lot lately with regards to myself. Did I really love him? If so, what was *so* amazing about him? His moodswings? His substance abuse? Yes, he was gorgeous and smart and charming and funny and witty and softly spoken and well read. But is that enough to love someone? Or was it about me? Did I love him because he seemed vulnerable and soft and shy and reminded me of my dad? Did I love him because he was so like me? Was I given myself me? Did I love him because he made me feel great and so very very much alive? Did I love him because I could play his saviour? Did I love him because I always root for the underdog? I felt uncomfortable with him showering me with attention and affection from day one. Professions of love on day 2. And I remember thinking "no you don't. You have no idea who I am". But I still went with it...

As I have been thinking about what real love actually is and if I really loved *him* (or at least the him he showed me at first) I couldn't help but notice what seems you contradicting yourself.

Two more questions: if you still have some way to go why do you no longer have motivation to study your history? And what do you mean with grieving the loss of your life?

it doesnt matter with what i am in love with! Only time will tell that. for the moment i know my feelings are real and this is how i feel. i do love her but yet i am in love with an illusion. And to answer your question; I did look at my history to the point of being pointless. I appreciate the feed back

[stimpy]

Hi Heartbrokenguy!

thank you for posting your experiences and your candid account. What you have written is my story too, in so many ways. The initial experience of being pulled in and adopting the "knight in shining armour" role and responding to her stories is a very common theme across this site. This happened to me too and looking back I can see that whether it was intentional or not, she was able to pull me into her world in a way that I was only too willing to adopt.

Two things strike me very strongly about your post.

One is that you talk a great deal about love, the nature of love and how love can actually be a different emotion to what we thought it was. But we want love and it "replaces" maybe what was the actual emotion that was there. We are only human. Interpreting our own emotions is very hard, all the time, for all of us. But for pwBPD, this search for love and the complexities and contradictions and confusions that go with it seem to be magnified 100x

Love, true love, perfect love, is what they often want, and yet fear so so so much. Love means vulnerability, it means openness, and means giving and taking, compromising, partnership. It means that someone else is part of your life. For someone who maybe grew up in a loveless home, not being validated, not being loved, then this is very, very, very, scary.

And for some, I think it is just too much. And they have to get rid of the very person who they are falling for. To abandon, before they are abandoned.

For us, this is completely hurtful and bewildering. And you are left thinking, "what just happened!"

What also struck me was your comment Perhaps what I really struggle with is why I allowed it to happen even when I saw the potential for it right from the beginning. Perhaps I am more disappointed and disgusted with myself than I am with her.

I think this is a very common thing too. At the very beginning, my gut feel said "run" - "run far"... .And I did. I ended it after 4 weeks.

And then went back! Arggggg.

I think my ex was a superb manipulator, and perhaps yours was too? And so I got pulled back in. I was manipulated back in. I was charmed. You have no reason to feel disappointed or disgusted with yourself. As a normal, trusting person, your reactions and behaviour were normal. If you were anything like me, you wanted it to work, so you tried damn hard to make it work. That is normal and to be commended.

Back than, I hadn't even heard of BPD or  any of the terminology and this is the pay off - hopefully in time and with support and some introspection, you'll be able to use this experience to make yourself and wiser, better, more experienced person. But it does take time and distance, so that you can gain perspective and knowledge. I'm sure you'll feel this too, at some point, maybe not yet, but hopefully in time you'll be able to view this as an experience that makes you wiser and stronger, I hope it does.

Stimpy

[Heartbroken_guy]

And then went back! Arggggg.

I think my ex was a superb manipulator, and perhaps yours was too? And so I got pulled back in. I was manipulated back in. I was charmed. You have no reason to feel disappointed or disgusted with yourself. As a normal, trusting person, your reactions and behaviour were normal. If you were anything like me, you wanted it to work, so you tried damn hard to make it work. That is normal and to be commended.

Back than, I hadn't even heard of BPD or  any of the terminology and this is the pay off - hopefully in time and with support and some introspection, you'll be able to use this experience to make yourself and wiser, better, more experienced person. But it does take time and distance, so that you can gain perspective and knowledge. I'm sure you'll feel this too, at some point, maybe not yet, but hopefully in time you'll be able to view this as an experience that makes you wiser and stronger, I hope it does.

Stimpy

Hi Stimpy

Thanks for the good words,

My ex was/she's the master of manipulations, I cant even remember how many times we broke up, especially around my holidays. Bday, new years and so on.

It is an experience like no other of what I am going through, and only the people that are or dealt with BPD Relationships will understand you. Your friends think you are obsessing over nothing and tell you to snap out of it, you shut off everyone because you don't want to seem like a burden to others and you feel judged somehow for this and yet you want to scream for justice and closure. It feels like you are drowning in an angry sea and the more you try to swim towards the shore the further away you get from it. What makes this Relationship more messed up is that I too was raised on neglected family. If any of the things that she told me were true; it is like we were the same person. I too just found out that i might suffer from BPD traits myself, but I am the giver not the abuser (as per research and therapist). I am getting to learn a lot about myself and the way my brain was/is wired due to my childhood raise. 

The thing is I was always been the one trying to make it work on this and prior relationships and see the good through all the worst which confuses the hell out of me . Maybe I was attractive to women that will ignore my needs (maybe i am a Co-dependent) since my Mom did that to me as a child and it is engraved deep in my sub-conscience that love is suppose to be hard and painful. There is a lot of things that i learned through this break up and I don't know what to do with all this information. All i now that the way I do feel about her right now is not fair to me, If thats not love then i don't know or cant even begin to imagine what love feels like then.

Maybe I will find out maybe not. It's a real struggle right now, again thanks for the feedback   

[stimpy]

Hi Heartbrokenguy!

And so the similarities continue!

My ex and I broke up 4 times in 4 months. The last time was on her birthday, she dumped me half an hour before I going over to hers to celebrate it.

And yes, unfortunately I lost two friends over this, they both said that I should just move on! One even gave me a timetable! LOL   So I dropped him as a friend, no friend does that. But on the good side, I found new friends, I really did. And one especially became my mentor. She had been through something very very similar and she and I met every week, and I talked and talked and talked to get through it. If you can find someone similar, then great, if not, no worries, I see you've got a therapist and that is just a good.

I too really struggled with anger at first. I remember one night, I woke up at 4.00 in the morning, and couldn't get back to sleep for thinking about her and the injustice and brutality of what she had done to me. And I remember shouting into my pillow, "just get out of my head"! I was so unhappy and angry. But that was a few months go now and now I sleep much better  She is just a memory, a bad one, but just a memory.

Where you write about being "the same person" , well this sounds like it might be "mirroring".

Feeling like you have BPD traits is also quite common. I know I worried about this too and we often feel "strange" afterwards. I know I did. I think I've heard of it being called flees or something like that. Don't worry, your ability for introspection and self analysis and doubt, mean that you are growing and developing and using your experience to look at yourself. BPD people find that virtually impossible.

As for love and finding it again. Well, I'm sure you will find love and find a good woman who is kind and supportive and who you can give to and cherish, knowing she will reciprocate. The processing you will do with all the information you have just gained is a treasure trove! Use it so that you can make better decisions in the future about who you let into your life.

And yes, I totally get it being a real struggle. Hang in there, and post all you need to, this is a great site, with a lot of people here to help you. Use it when you need to. You are not alone.

[Heartbroken_guy]

Where you write about being "the same person" , well this sounds like it might be "mirroring".

Hey Stimpty

I have heard of that from a few friends too. they say they remember the real me before this girl, I am just having a really difficult time with the fact that I was in love with an illusion. Time will tell

[stimpy]

Hi Heartbrokenguy!

so, yeah, I totally get the "real person you were before"  and I'm guessing also during and then after this experience. I've had exactly those words said to me, that the person I was before I met her is not the same as now.

Hmmm, my view now, a few months out, is that in truth, I don't want to be the same person as I was before. I was too trusting and too wanting to help others. Now, well, now, I look very closely at other people, what they say, how they say things, how they behave and I now have new tools that help me assess people. Yes, that sounds maybe a bit clinical and calculating, but really I've learnt new skills to look after myself. That is good, I am a slightly different person to who I was, and maybe that's no bad thing.

So the "real" me is returning (with the help of No contact btw), but the real me is a slightly different real me. That is what happens I think.

There is talk on this site about the "payoff" from such experiences. At first I hadn't  a clue what was meant by this. Now I know. I am much, much better at assessing people and that is the payoff. That is good. But hard learnt!

Hang in there... .