It sounds like you moved into a new serious r/s very quickly. Do you think you were ready? Would there be a benefit for you to resolving things in person with your ex?
Yes you are right, I did move into a new relationship rather quickly, and while I probably could have used more time to myself, it's been a very rewarding relationship so far. I've tried resolving things in person with my ex, and every time I think we are good she starts trying to make me feel guilty after some time has passed. My biggest struggle is overcoming the guilt because it did happen suddenly and I finally just left and never came back after telling her I'd always be there and we would work through it. Once I learned more about BPD I couldn't go back because I realized how destructive it all really was.
So you've given it a shot, resolving it in person... .so that isn't something you need to feel... .unresolved about. Good.
As for the promises that are making you feel guilty: many of us say these things--"I will always be there" type things. But there is
always an implicit condition, and really, all of us who are grown-ups know this. "I will always be there for you" really means "I will be there for you unless it means sacrificing my sanity and safety and [fill in what is a deal-breaker for you]." We are not in a romance novel. We are people trying to live our lives.
You could stick to the letter of the law and continue to "be there" for her to assuage your guilt, but it would only be a technical observance of the promise. Because the r/s was eroding
you. Eventually there would be no
you to be there for her or anyone else. Your ex might not ever get this, but eventually you will.
As for moving on quickly: I mentioned it because you said all this was taking a toll on your new relationship. Have you been able to talk about that?
So you asked, "How long will these feelings of guilt last?"
I felt a lot of guilt for a long time and still do. My situation is complicated and not worth getting into, but briefly: my r/s was an affair (guilt!), and my ex spent a long time trying to get me to leave someone else for him (more guilt!). Rather than decide he didn't want to wait for me, he spent a year or so applying subtle and not so subtle guilt tactics to me, which contributed even more toxicity and trauma-bonding to the r/s. Then he secretly got into a new relationship. When he told me about it, he let me know he blamed me for all the suffering he'd been through in our relationship. Essentially, his position seemed to be that I had held him captive in some way, so all the pain was my fault. More guilt, even though I'd been dumped. I spent a long time feeling I'd victimized him, because that was what he wanted me to think.
What I'm saying is, intentionally or not, he was a guilt-deflecting machine in a situation that was already rotten with guilt.
Worked hard in therapy. Began to see that this is far from the first situation in which I have taken on all the guilt and blame. That has helped me get past some of the guilt with respect to my ex, but it also exposed the cracks.
So... .are the shame and guilt gone after a year+ of NC and therapy? No. But they are no longer artificially attached to my ex.
Okay, another question for you: are these feelings of guilt and shame that are tormenting you... .familiar in any way? Have you felt like this in other relationships?
