Do pwBPD mean the cruel things they say?

[atomic popsicles]

I feel like I'm asking silly questions, but I am trying to understand.

My husband told me he was happiest married to his ex-wife. He had no responsibilities and he was in the service so they didn't live together. They were married less than a year. His comment to me was devastating. I can't get it out of my mind. I know I should try to listen to the emotion and not the words, and I'm sure life was easier then. Heck, I'm sure the BPD symptoms alone weren't apparent then.

She's remarried and lives far away. They aren't in contact. It just hurts me to the core. I know if I talk about it with him it will turn into me not understanding and making things about me, so I can't bring it up. But, man. I don't know if it hurts most that he said it or that he feels it.

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[Grey Kitty]

You can tear yourself up trying to figure this kind of thing out... .and I recommend you don't try very hard.

One thing we say in shorthand about this disorder is that facts = feelings.

In other words, if he is feeling a certain way, in his mind, he adjusts facts (present, past, and future!) to conform to how he is feeling. (And I doubt he is even aware of himself doing it)

When he said that, he was probably feeling positive and nostalgic about his ex-wife, and revised history to make it feel wonderful and happy.

Aside: From what you say, he wasn't close enough to her during most of the marriage to have any conflict, probably breaking up immediately after returning home, if one of them didn't end it while he was away... .keeping any messy reality from interfering with his fantasy of how wonderful it all was. But that is just a wild guess on my part.

And keep in mind that his feelings can and do change frequently. And when they do, he will modify reality again to match the new feelings. I have trouble imagining how it would be to live inside a head like that, to be honest... .but I've seen it plenty. Just trying to keep up with it is crazy-making!

Is this something of an ongoing hurtful thing he says, or just one "jab" that you can't get out of your head?

[atomic popsicles]

He does say hurtful things about our living situation. We had to move into the house I own with my ex husband to avoid foreclosure, but the ex is across the street several nights a week with his girlfriend. It is yuck, but he cant handle it. Because of the BPD money thing, he's always ready to walk away from the house regardless of the consequences. So how he's "living in h--- " comes up often. That wears be down because I am also stuck financially, childwise, etc.

But this... .the happier with the ex thing... .that's a new level. I am having an impossible time letting it go. From my readings on this site I know that my pulling away out of hurt is contributing to the disassociation. I'm trying to read more. I know I need to focus on validation and wait until he is in a better place to discuss it. He did apologize, but the comment just really hit on every insecurity I have. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of how I thought he felt about me.

[Notwendy]

Consider black and white thinking. People can change from all good to all bad in an instance. Also, when a relationship ends, people can reminisce about the good times.

We can treat verbal insults as a form of verbal abuse/ and or let them not get to us. This is up to us to decide. We don't need to be present if someone is raging at us - we can walk away. As to these verbal digs- we can choose to ignore them.

I know it is hard as I took these things to heart. I am not one who says mean things in the heat of the moment, but my H does and when he is done, he is just done.

I have compared this to emotional vomit and projection. For people who can not handle their bad feelings, they tend to project and let them out. Like a kid with a stomach ache- once the child throws up, he/she feels better. I think these verbal insults function the same way.

Have you ever heard a small child get angry? They may pitch a fit and scream "I hate you" and depending on their vocabulary- use insults " you are a doo doo" . Later, hopefully kids learn to modulate their emotions and self soothe. People who have not developed these skills may behave in a similar manner.

I think it helps if we can see that these things are more about them, than us. If our own boundaries are strong, then these things don't bother is as much.  :)o they mean what they say? Perhaps in that very moment, but once the moment is over, that feeling is gone.

I think our task is to not be reactive and learn our own self soothing skills when these comments upset us. Sure, people can mean what they say, but sometimes they don't. If we can keep calm in the moment and then have discussions about things that do seem to be important or constant, when we are calmer, it can help.