"self love" question...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm not usually one for newspaper horoscopes, but happened to glance at mine today and it said this:

"Compassion isn't a feeling so much as an action. You have no problem showing people care and love through your action, but you sometimes forget to show yourself the same. Don't just love yourself; demonstrate it."

Well, that's actually pretty good fortune cookie advice, and applicable too. Anyone have any good ideas about how to do this?

[doubleAries]

I'm not usually one for newspaper horoscopes, but happened to glance at mine today and it said this:

"Compassion isn't a feeling so much as an action. You have no problem showing people care and love through your action, but you sometimes forget to show yourself the same. Don't just love yourself; demonstrate it."

Well, that's actually pretty good fortune cookie advice, and applicable too. Anyone have any good ideas about how to do this?

[unicorn2014]

I'm not usually one for newspaper horoscopes, but happened to glance at mine today and it said this:

"Compassion isn't a feeling so much as an action. You have no problem showing people care and love through your action, but you sometimes forget to show yourself the same. Don't just love yourself; demonstrate it."

Well, that's actually pretty good fortune cookie advice, and applicable too. Anyone have any good ideas about how to do this?

THat's a great post and thank you, and really timely for me. I have a teenage daughter going through a crisis and I know the best thing I can do once I've attended to all my parental duties is take care of myself. If that means not taking phone calls, not accepting invitations to go out (I'm an introvert), doing what I enjoy (cooking), those are all things I need to do. For me now I have a nightly routine of taking a hot bath before bed and that ritual really helps.

[eeks]

I'm not usually one for newspaper horoscopes, but happened to glance at mine today and it said this:

"Compassion isn't a feeling so much as an action. You have no problem showing people care and love through your action, but you sometimes forget to show yourself the same. Don't just love yourself; demonstrate it."

Well, that's actually pretty good fortune cookie advice, and applicable too. Anyone have any good ideas about how to do this?

I am going to start with a thought exercise. 

What could someone else do for you that would make you feel really, really cared for?

Can you imagine someone doing that for you right now?  How does it feel to just receive that? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey DA-

Here's one that some find really effective, some find a little creepy, some find a little of both: look at yourself in the mirror, straight into your own eyes enough to create a real connection, like you would anyone else you're connecting with, and say "I love you".  Really go there emotionally, as if you were saying it to someone else you love and meaning it.  Really mean it to yourself.  If you've never done it and fully commit you will feel it in your body, and that lasts for a while.  And when it wears off, do it again.  I agree with the horoscope; compassion is an action.

And another one, more profound even, is to love your inner child and treat her with compassion.  When we mature we don't replace our inner child with "adult", we add adult to that child (along with an inner critic usually), and it's a positive trait to never lose that inner child, but most of us abandon it now and then.  But it's pretty easy to segregate the child from the adult in us, and just imagine a 5 year old you in need of some love, compassion and support; how would you treat her?  It's pretty easy to be kind and compassionate to a 5 year old, and once you associate to that, practice making your life decisions moving forward based on what's the best for that child, asking what does she really need right now?  What do I need to do to have her feel loved, valued and cared for right now?  Again agreeing with the horoscope, it's easy and common to treat other people better than we treat ourselves, but a little focus adjustment can remedy that, and it has a ripple effect too, like it will become common and automatic for you to tell your inner critic to shut up, for example, because a 5 year doesn't need to hear that sht, yes?

[anon72]

Hey DA-

Here's one that some find really effective, some find a little creepy, some find a little of both: look at yourself in the mirror, straight into your own eyes enough to create a real connection, like you would anyone else you're connecting with, and say "I love you".  Really go there emotionally, as if you were saying it to someone else you love and meaning it.  Really mean it to yourself.  If you've never done it and fully commit you will feel it in your body, and that lasts for a while.  And when it wears off, do it again.  I agree with the horoscope; compassion is an action.

And another one, more profound even, is to love your inner child and treat her with compassion.  When we mature we don't replace our inner child with "adult", we add adult to that child (along with an inner critic usually), and it's a positive trait to never lose that inner child, but most of us abandon it now and then.  But it's pretty easy to segregate the child from the adult in us, and just imagine a 5 year old you in need of some love, compassion and support; how would you treat her?  It's pretty easy to be kind and compassionate to a 5 year old, and once you associate to that, practice making your life decisions moving forward based on what's the best for that child, asking what does she really need right now?  What do I need to do to have her feel loved, valued and cared for right now?  Again agreeing with the horoscope, it's easy and common to treat other people better than we treat ourselves, but a little focus adjustment can remedy that, and it has a ripple effect too, like it will become common and automatic for you to tell your inner critic to shut up, for example, because a 5 year doesn't need to hear that sht, yes?

Thanks heeltoheal , that really resonated with me and is something I need to work on (looking after my inner child).  I also think that the mirror is a great exercise also, something I will definitely try. 

So many great ideas and supportive people on this board, am so lucky to have found this place

[doubleAries]

all good stuff, thanks!

I especially like what you say here, fromheeltoheal--the "inner child" thing isn't a new concept to me, but is a new relationship. I always found it corny and "new agey", but have begun to take it very seriously. I've needed to change the phrase to "little (my name)" to feel more comfortable with it and more personal. But I never thought about it the way you describe it--as an ongoing thing. I've been anxious for "little (my name)" to grow up and catch up with "big (my name)"

And the mirror thing has always been mucho creepy for me (that inner terrorist is convinced that's a clear sign of narcissism on my part, )

After lots of thought, I see some of the things I do for me that I do for others--buy little special prizes, just to say "hey, thinking about you!" and hot baths, etc. But what really seems to be working super well is talking--out loud--to "little (my name)" The promise to stick by myself through thick and thin.

One of the things I do, especially when "little (my name)" wants to run to her/my abusers for comfort and reassurance, is to explain, like you would to a child, and as many times as necessary, that this was a necessity as a child, but is no longer a safe option. It doesn't make sense anymore. That I will protect her now and that if she needs something, ask ME, not the abusers.

In other words, comfort myself. It's awkward sometimes, but good. I mean one of the things any of us might do to comfort someone is give a hug. that looks weird to hug yourself. I don't do that. (yet? haha)

[fromheeltoheal]

In other words, comfort myself.

Nice DA!  I've also been getting a lot of value out of Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and in it he talks about what victims of trauma often do, abandon themselves.  Or had they already abandoned themselves and were then traumatized?  Little of both in my case, for each of us to decide.  Anyway, the process out of that and back to ourselves is first grieving, and one of his tools for that he calls "verbal ventilating", which is really a way to get sht out, but it also applies to the next step, which is replacing the self-abandonment with both self-compassion and self-protection.  That self talk you do is the self-compassion, and good for you, how's the self-protection going?

[doubleAries]

fromheeltoheal--that book is my BIBLE. When my T took an administrative job and couldn't do personal counseling anymore, I called Pete Walker to see if he could skype counseling with me. He didn't have any openings, but referred me to someone else (which I just started and it's working out well).

Self protection is coming along. Also called boundaries!

I very recently found myself on a very strange date. What made it strange was that my date was very courteous, respectful, and gentlemanly.   I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Even though way back in there in my box o' hurt, there was some resistance. I couldn't possibly deserve to be treated that way, could I? But the new me won out.   Hey! I didn't even over-share and puke my guts up about my wretched childhood! Don't know this decent respectful guy well enough for that yet. Trust is earned, right? 

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal--that book is my BIBLE. When my T took an administrative job and couldn't do personal counseling anymore, I called Pete Walker to see if he could skype counseling with me. He didn't have any openings, but referred me to someone else (which I just started and it's working out well).

Ta-da!  Good stuff tends to propagate.  That book was a very tough read for me initially, which told me I was onto something, and I'm kind of settling into it now.

I very recently found myself on a very strange date. What made it strange was that my date was very courteous, respectful, and gentlemanly.   I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Even though way back in there in my box o' hurt, there was some resistance. I couldn't possibly deserve to be treated that way, could I? But the new me won out.   Hey! I didn't even over-share and puke my guts up about my wretched childhood! Don't know this decent respectful guy well enough for that yet. Trust is earned, right?  

Nice!  Good for you!  My thought in that situation if someone was being extra-friendly and courteous would be does this person have a personality disorder that is inspiring them to mirror me and be who they need to be to attach?  Or is she just a nice girl who finds me attractive and is being pleasant.  The bar's pretty high right now, maybe not fair in some cases, but hey, self-protection right?  And I agree, trust is earned, plus launching into negatives from our past too early isn't attractive, best to focus on the bright futures we're creating and whom we're going to populate them with, yes?

[doubleAries]

Yeah, I'm suspicious too. Not so much of other people, but because of my propensity to zero in on the most dysfunctional person in the room.

I carefully noted that during the great conversation on my date (no awkward silences at all--how cool is that?) there were times my date disagreed with me (proving he's not just mirroring me) and when he did, he didn't launch into "here's why you are wrong" diatribe. He was very respectful and calm about explaining his POV, not offended that mine didn't match--willing to own his opinion and allow me mine (proving a pretty healthy interaction capability). Like I said--first healthy normal date I've ever been on.

And here's something else I'm going to add to the "self compassion/self protection" list of demonstrable self care: (some back story required) Yesterday was my birthday. My employees threw a birthday party for me. My ex still works for me but not here at my shop--he works from home because he can't interact well with others (bipolar 1 mixed, with psychotic features (paranoid delusions), and bipolar driven NPD and ASPD---boy, I can really pick 'em!). He came in the afternoon after the party to drop off his work and get his next assignment. For several weeks, I have done a fine job of setting boundaries with him, enforcing them, and keeping the interaction STRICTLY to work only. He's off the rails quite a bit right now, and I have NOT "helped" him (long history of resentment towards my rescuer intrusions). But in that nearly 20 year relationship, my role became that of "scapegoat" (what a surprise... .NOT). He has a pattern of abusiveness and then pretending it didn't happen--if I'd agitate in any way that I didn't like how I was being treated, he'd act like I was out of line for expecting an apology or even explanation or discussion--because scapegoats aren't important enough for any of that (this isn't all on him--I sucked this up for almost 20 years). Several weeks ago, he tried to get me in trouble on my fire dept job and displayed some rather rude behavior towards me and my other employees, and I laid down the boundaries in a very clear way. But now Ex (probably not even on a very conscious level) is missing having a scapegoat. As I am "scapegoat" forever to him, he can't say "look, sorry I've been such a jerk, and sorry I'm treating you like a disposable, unimportant receptacle for my anger"... .so he just goes with the old tried and true methods of noncommittal crumbs to "break the ice" (he thinks I'm "mad" and it's taking too long for me to get over it so we can return to the "regular routine". He's tried a few minimal things to get the ball rolling back to the accustomed dysfunctional dance (awkward for him--that's always been my job), and when they don't work, the next attempt adds a slight increase in effort (pretty minimal though--like I said, that's always been my job, and I'm not doing my job, and he has to keep up his own end which is making sure I know I don't really matter, so the efforts have to be rather casual).

So anyhow, he comes in the shop yesterday with a big old birthday present all wrapped up (after weeks of no personal interaction at all), doesn't say anything, just drops it on my work table. We have a very brief discussion about the work he completed and the work next assigned, and he leaves.

I am an incredibly curious person. But I didn't open the present. Didn't take me too long to lose my curiosity... .I know what's in the box. A Trojan horse filled with projected anger. The box itself is an attempt to break the perceived ice, and the delivery of the box was the tried and true method of indifference, and the offer of a bribe to pretend "nothing needs to be said--let's get back to the regularly scheduled program". 

I can't change him. And don't want to anymore. I just want to protect myself and do what I need to do to stop this destructive pattern. So I left the box alone, thought through many things, reassured my inner terrorist that refusing the gift wasn't mean to HIM, and reassured "little (my name)" that I am there for her, I will comfort her and that no, this wasn't a peace offering like she wanted it to be, and no, 20 years proves there's no fairy tale ending attached to this Trojan horse.

At the end of the workday, I carefully checked my motives again, then texted the ex and said "I am not comfortable accepting your gift. You can pick it back up on Saturday" (when he comes again to drop off his work and get his next assignment). I already knew what his reply would be, and it was exactly what I thought... ."K". (wouldn't want to make it appear there was any importance involved here)

I then started to lose my footing, to 2nd guess and castigate myself. I wanted to take it back, open the present to be "nice" to him, apologize for being mean and JADE myself to him. I didn't though. I contacted a healthy boundaries friend instead who helped me through it and handed me the tool I forgot and needed--"go sit on your couch and allow these feelings" (don't react to them to try to avoid or dissipate them--just allow them to run their course and dissolve on their own). BINGO! Allowed the illogical guilt and self blame, shame, and self negation it's 5 minutes in the sun, and then reassured myself that I didn't do this TO him, I did this FOR me. Accepting Trojan horses is self destructive, not "nice".

To me, this is demonstrable self love.

[fromheeltoheal]

To me, this is demonstrable self love.

Yes, yes it is, and good for you.  And Happy Birthday!  What you did reminded me of a belief I've been using lately: emotions are never wrong, and negative ones don't need to be 'fixed', they need to be felt, the only way out is through.  Our buddy Pete Walker talks about instead of chasing thrills and feel-good, I'm paraphrasing, he focuses on serenity, living in the moment, feeling, feeling it all.  I spent decades chasing the next thrill, live and learn I guess, we learn things when we're supposed to.

Impressive that your ex still works for you, I couldn't imagine that with mine.  Of course she never keeps a job for long, but still, there is absolutely no way.

first healthy normal date I've ever been on.

  Wow!  Now there's something.  Maybe we're evolving to a point where we are not only capable of those kinds of things, but deserve them, hell, after all the work we've done, I'd say so.  Good for you DA, we look forward to updates... .