Is there a difference between an exBPD that responds when you speak to them vs

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Gives you the silent treatment when you try to speak with them? I was just wondering since based on the stories I've read some of your exes will tell you never to contact them again, or just gives you the ST? Whereas some of you can still talk to your ex? Does this mean you aren't fully painted black, or they will respond to you to hold onto contact, even if it's negative? In my experience if you've read my story my ex would respond to me, but she never reached out, I'm guessing because at the core of whatever she projects onto me she knows she is in the wrong and won't talk to me first because at this point I'm a trigger for her?

This question is out of curiosity, not because I plan on reengaging her.

[5tarla]

Gives you the silent treatment when you try to speak with them? I was just wondering since based on the stories I've read some of your exes will tell you never to contact them again, or just gives you the ST? Whereas some of you can still talk to your ex? Does this mean you aren't fully painted black, or they will respond to you to hold onto contact, even if it's negative? In my experience if you've read my story my ex would respond to me, but she never reached out, I'm guessing because at the core of whatever she projects onto me she knows she is in the wrong and won't talk to me first because at this point I'm a trigger for her?

This question is out of curiosity, not because I plan on reengaging her.

[peace74]

Hello. 

Just wanted to let you know my exBPD never painted me black.  He does have issues with consistency on what he says to who.  He has the identity issue and tends to say what he knows someone wants to hear or denies and lies to protect himself and others, etc.  For example, he could tell me one thing about how he feels about us but not necessarily tell other person the same thing regarding us.  We have contact regularly because we have a child together.  He has ignored or not communicated at times when I wanted to but he has not painted me black.  My first exBPDh painted me black but even with him he can go back and forth.  So I think it all depends on a case by case basis.

[peace74]

another thing to add... .

I think it depends a lot on what they've done to you and how they do handle the negative feelings.  I know mine left but hasn't let go of me either.  He sends mixed messages.  We are still married and he left 2 yrs. ago.  It has only been 6 months that we haven't been together in some way.  For the first time in 2 yrs I decided to go out for drinks last night.  When he found out he was telling me he still had feelings and blah blah blah.  So he may be a certain way with me because he's not done or wants me there.  Yours might avoid you or not reach out because it is too hard for whatever reason.  Many people are like that even in healthy relationships that do not work out.  It is possible you are a trigger or bring up difficult emotions and feelings. 

[5tarla]

another thing to add... .

I think it depends a lot on what they've done to you and how they do handle the negative feelings.  I know mine left but hasn't let go of me either.  He sends mixed messages.  We are still married and he left 2 yrs. ago.  It has only been 6 months that we haven't been together in some way.  For the first time in 2 yrs I decided to go out for drinks last night.  When he found out he was telling me he still had feelings and blah blah blah.  So he may be a certain way with me because he's not done or wants me there.  Yours might avoid you or not reach out because it is too hard for whatever reason.  Many people are like that even in healthy relationships that do not work out.  It is possible you are a trigger or bring up difficult emotions and feelings. 

That's the thing I'm wondering, even though I shouldn't. When we spoke there were mixed signals and she would alternate between angry, and then telling me she did miss me, it just hurt for her to say it? Saying she did consider coming to see me when I asked, but that she can't see me right now due to not being able to 'get over things' but then blaming me. I'm not sure if you've read my story, but that would probably make more sense if you have. Long story short, she pretty much did everything wrong you can do in a relationship. I hate to place the blame on her, but she really is the reason we broke up. Because of her issues and cheating and lying.

[Daniell85]

I am guessing, based on my own experience, the less you hold her feet over the fire about anything, the more likely she is to talk to you.

So basically if you can stand not engaging in anything but positive conversations, her shame will fade, probably a lot of her uncertainty about speaking to you will die down and you can proceed in a friendly way for now.

At that point expectations of not lying and cheating are laid on her, she will feel shame and run and hide and the problem you have now will happen then, too.

Unless she can heal with therapy and is motivated to address the issues of lying, fear, shame, you probably can't have any relationship with her that is healthy.

[Daniell85]

I want to add, my ex won't speak to me. He has me blocked all over the place so I can't. He creates drama, causes problems, and if I try to address it with him, paints me black, blocks me, and rubs it in my face.

Pretty annoying stuff.

[5tarla]

I am guessing, based on my own experience, the less you hold her feet over the fire about anything, the more likely she is to talk to you.

So basically if you can stand not engaging in anything but positive conversations, her shame will fade, probably a lot of her uncertainty about speaking to you will die down and you can proceed in a friendly way for now.

At that point expectations of not lying and cheating are laid on her, she will feel shame and run and hide and the problem you have now will happen then, too.

Unless she can heal with therapy and is motivated to address the issues of lying, fear, shame, you probably can't have any relationship with her that is healthy.

I don't plan on speaking to her, tbh. I can't be romantically involved let alone friends with someone that refuses to take accountability for their actions and gas lights me whenever I bring anything up. Even if she didn't want to talk to me I still feel like at the very least owning up to what you've done whether good or bad would be more productive.

[Daniell85]

ok, listen. She is not owning up because of shame. She isn't going to talk to you because you try to talk to her about her actions which leads to shame and she hides.

The point is, if you can put off that conversation until she trusts you, she may bring it up herself if she feels she is not being spotlighted and confronted.

I could never get past this with my ex BF because he would not STOP the shady behaviors. If he had messed up really bad, then decided to take the lesson and learn from it, I would have been able to wait for the relationship to stabilize before trying to ask about what had happened.

He blatently, in my face would do even MORE stuff, then blame me for all the problems we had between us over it.

I just spent the last month completely out of the guys perimeter. I disappeared from everywhere I usually was. I was starting to calm down about him, I was thinking of revisiting things after the latest round of therapy, and this morning I woke up to a big nasty event that he directed at me and I went into a massive panic attack and melt down. ( I have a panic disorder).

I realized after I reacted that he did it to pull me out of hiding. Why? Apparantly so he could inflict more hurt and nastiness on me when I appeared.

I don't know. If you actually underneath it all just want things to be ok with her,  and she isn't actively trying to hurt you, then I personally would just let time pass with her. If she is decent to you, be kind back, but keep the boundary of no relationship.

If my ex would do that, I could do it. I can't be in a relationship with someone who drives me away and then hurts me badly to get me to pop out of my safe zone.

I guess we all have our limits.

[5tarla]

ok, listen. She is not owning up because of shame. She isn't going to talk to you because you try to talk to her about her actions which leads to shame and she hides.

The point is, if you can put off that conversation until she trusts you, she may bring it up herself if she feels she is not being spotlighted and confronted.

I could never get past this with my ex BF because he would not STOP the shady behaviors. If he had messed up really bad, then decided to take the lesson and learn from it, I would have been able to wait for the relationship to stabilize before trying to ask about what had happened.

He blatently, in my face would do even MORE stuff, then blame me for all the problems we had between us over it.

I just spent the last month completely out of the guys perimeter. I disappeared from everywhere I usually was. I was starting to calm down about him, I was thinking of revisiting things after the latest round of therapy, and this morning I woke up to a big nasty event that he directed at me and I went into a massive panic attack and melt down. ( I have a panic disorder).

I realized after I reacted that he did it to pull me out of hiding. Why? Apparantly so he could inflict more hurt and nastiness on me when I appeared.

I don't know. If you actually underneath it all just want things to be ok with her,  and she isn't actively trying to hurt you, then I personally would just let time pass with her. If she is decent to you, be kind back, but keep the boundary of no relationship.

If my ex would do that, I could do it. I can't be in a relationship with someone who drives me away and then hurts me badly to get me to pop out of my safe zone.

I guess we all have our limits.

I understand what you're saying and thank you for responding. I can say that the times I contacted her I never brought anything up. The few times we spoke we didn't talk about anything dealing with our relationship until I told her I missed her, and then she said she missed me too but it hurt to say it, which results in me asking why and her bringing up what happened. I don't know why she did that if she's only going to recoil when I respond.

I'm sorry your ex did that to you btw. I can say that my ex never intentionally tried to hurt me or be nasty and hurtful to me when I did come back. At the most she would just switch from being mad about what happened to then being soft, like she was still thinking about it.