For all those seeking justice on BPD ex

[SoMadSoSad]

You have to remember that they have already went through he'll in their childhood. That is why they are the way they are now. Realistically they deserve happiness because they were deprived of it at a time when they had no control over their life and at a time when life was supposed to be blissfully fun, exciting, and adventurous. They will always feel alone because life has wronged them and no one will ever be able to relate to the pain they feel and what they went through.

[WoundedBibi]

You have to remember that they have already went through he'll in their childhood. That is why they are the way they are now. Realistically they deserve happiness because they were deprived of it at a time when they had no control over their life and at a time when life was supposed to be blissfully fun, exciting, and adventurous. They will always feel alone because life has wronged them and no one will ever be able to relate to the pain they feel and what they went through.

Everybody here knows this. Almost nobody here is seeking any kind of revenge you're hinting at. That is not what this board is about.

This board is about us. How we detach, learn, and move on. To stop being saviours, to realise we didn't cause the BPD and cannot cure it.

I suggest you read some more threads on this board as you seem to have a very one sided view of what is discussed here.

[SoMadSoSad]

You have to remember that they have already went through he'll in their childhood. That is why they are the way they are now. Realistically they deserve happiness because they were deprived of it at a time when they had no control over their life and at a time when life was supposed to be blissfully fun, exciting, and adventurous. They will always feel alone because life has wronged them and no one will ever be able to relate to the pain they feel and what they went through.

Everybody here knows this. Almost nobody here is seeking any kind of revenge you're hinting at. That is not what this board is about.

This board is about us. How we detach, learn, and move on. To stop being saviours, to realise we didn't cause the BPD and cannot cure it.

I suggest you read some more threads on this board as you seem to have a very one sided view of what is discussed here.

I've read through many post with people who wanted to take revenge or are very angry at their exes. I'm referring to those post in particular.

[Caley]

Many, many people ... in my experience didn't experience an idyllic childhood. And, many endured awful treatment at the hands of their primary carers ... however, they still managed to grow up with a sense of responsibility and accountability for their actions ... and, despite any dysfunctional models and examples ... .they grew to posses a moral compass, empathy (perhaps too much), patience and compassion.

There is a huge debate that surrounds cluster B traits. This debate, between eminent psychologists/psychiatrists that have researched and studied these types of behaviour/coping mechanisms, is one of determining whether it is neurologically based or a question of personality/character disorder. There is no agreement between the two factions, yet (and unlikely to be in the near future). What is apparent, and what is more significant, is why people that posses certain traits are a magnet for these types.

I feel you are giving justification and reason for the poor behaviour of others that Cluster B traited people dole out ... and, I believe (if you are honest with yourself) ... when your SO behaved in a manner which was not conducive to an equal relationship ... you found reasons to excuse ... or understand ... and then 'fix' the unfixable. It is now your job to figure 'you' out (now that the relationship is over) and leave the 'fixing' of our ex-SO's to them.

I believe, what you have posted ... demeans the SO and by that you elevate your position and remain ignorant of the part you have played.

[WoundedBibi]

As I have posted in the past SMSS I have compassion for what my ex has to endure in his own head but that doesn't mean I don't have a right to be angry at him for what he did or said. Compassion and anger do not exclude eachother. The world of my ex is black and white, mine isn't.

[Caley]

As I have posted in the past SMSS I have compassion for what my ex has to endure in his own head but that doesn't mean I don't have a right to be angry at him for what he did or said. Compassion and anger do not exclude eachother. The world of my ex is black and white, mine isn't.

I hope you don't think my post was in response to yours WoundedBibi ... it wasn't. It was in response to the original post.

And, as much as people try to impress upon others that anger is 'wrong' ... when anger arises it is usually a response to feelings of being bullied. It is a natural emotion ... it protects.

[SoMadSoSad]

Many, many people ... in my experience didn't experience an idyllic childhood. And, many endured awful treatment at the hands of their primary carers ... however, they still managed to grow up with a sense of responsibility and accountability for their actions ... and, despite any dysfunctional models and examples ... .they grew to posses a moral compass, empathy (perhaps too much), patience and compassion.

There is a huge debate that surrounds cluster B traits. This debate, between eminent psychologists/psychiatrists that have researched and studied these types of behaviour/coping mechanisms, is one of determining whether it is neurologically based or a question of personality/character disorder. There is no agreement between the two factions, yet (and unlikely to be in the near future). What is apparent, and what is more significant, is why people that posses certain traits are a magnet for these types.

I feel you are giving justification and reason for the poor behaviour of others that Cluster B traited people dole out ... and, I believe (if you are honest with yourself) ... when your SO behaved in a manner which was not conducive to an equal relationship ... you found reasons to excuse ... or understand ... and then 'fix' the unfixable. It is now your job to figure 'you' out (now that the relationship is over) and leave the 'fixing' of our ex-SO's to them.

I believe, what you have posted ... demeans the SO and by that you elevate your position and remain ignorant of the part you have played.

Ok so maybe I'm confused here. You say that some people with unideal childhoods still grow to be decent humans (sane). But for those who develop BPD do so at an age where their emotional progress is stunted correct? Then to make matters worse is that they don't see themselves as the problem but everyone else is. I don't think we can expect all people who go through emotional trauma to come out completely sane as every situation is different. I'm sure some people have loved ones who help guide them in the right path and some are left alone to fend for themselves. Maybe the situations in describing are only subjective to my ex because of the type of trauma she suffered at such a young age.

[WoundedBibi]

As I have posted in the past SMSS I have compassion for what my ex has to endure in his own head but that doesn't mean I don't have a right to be angry at him for what he did or said. Compassion and anger do not exclude eachother. The world of my ex is black and white, mine isn't.

I hope you don't think my post was in response to yours WoundedBibi ... it wasn't. It was in response to the original post.

And, as much as people try to impress upon others that anger is 'wrong' ... when anger arises it is usually a response to feelings of being bullied. It is a natural emotion ... it protects.

Lord no, Caley!

Anger is an emotion we have a right to feel and which we need to heal and detach. As long as we don't get stuck in it, and don't damage others or ourselves there is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is neither right nor wrong anyway, it's just an emotion. People label emotions, they don't have labels of themselves.

[Caley]

@Somad

I believe what you are trying to say is quite heartfelt ... that 'for those seeking justice' should consider the pwBPD (diagnosed/undiagnosed ... ) ... past experiences before unleashing acts of justice/revenge. And, that is very compassionate and an admirable trait. Have you considered that, because you are compassionate and favour (by conditioning) the underdog ... that this trait, amongst others, made you attractive from your SO's perspective? Can you find a time, in your own experience, when you began to feel like supporting the 'underdog' and why? Who taught you this?

The mirror, after an experience like you've had (like we all here have) can turn 180 degrees so that you can begin to focus on you ... and why you react/respond/behave in the way that you do ... and whether your ideas about relationships, and how you conduct yourself, are healthy ... for you and the other. We all (here) should consider the idea that we're not 'the complete deal' either ... and work on our own issues. Which, after which, will very likely attract someone more suited to us.

I felt that you were giving justification for someone to treat you badly without considering why you were prepared to accept being treated badly.

[Caley]

As I have posted in the past SMSS I have compassion for what my ex has to endure in his own head but that doesn't mean I don't have a right to be angry at him for what he did or said. Compassion and anger do not exclude eachother. The world of my ex is black and white, mine isn't.

I hope you don't think my post was in response to yours WoundedBibi ... it wasn't. It was in response to the original post.

And, as much as people try to impress upon others that anger is 'wrong' ... when anger arises it is usually a response to feelings of being bullied. It is a natural emotion ... it protects.

Lord no, Caley!

Anger is an emotion we have a right to feel and which we need to heal and detach. As long as we don't get stuck in it, and don't damage others or ourselves there is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is neither right nor wrong anyway, it's just an emotion. People label emotions, they don't have labels of themselves.

Some people do get stuck in anger (and frustration, envy, jealousy etc.,) and can't move through it without help from someone else. Sometimes, accepting, that 'you/me' are not the ones that are equipped to help ... helps us to detach from a bond that isn't good for us or them.

[confusedandangry]

Do I want revenge on my ex... .NO... am I angry, YES!  I'm angry with her for not seeking the help that she needs and thinking she is okay.  Her relationship track record is 0-a large number!  That in itself is not ok.  I'm angry with myself for not choosing to see the warning signs... .I ignored them.  Your compassion leads me to believe that you are still trying to be their rescuer... .the same trait that allowed us all to get hurt.  

[gotbushels]

Anger can operate with sympathy. Not all who feel very angry seek revenge. Not all who understand a pwBPD's "hell" childhood want to continue a relationship with them.

[WoundedBibi]

And just because the abuser was once abused doesn't mean the one he or she is abusing now has no right to be angry about being abused.

That would be like saying "yes, he's an alcoholic, but his dad was, so you need to be kind to him when he tries to kick you in the head"

[Caley]

Do I want revenge on my ex... .NO... am I angry, YES!  I'm angry with her for not seeking the help that she needs and thinking she is okay.  Her relationship track record is 0-a large number!  That in itself is not ok.  I'm angry with myself for not choosing to see the warning signs... .I ignored them.  Your compassion leads me to believe that you are still trying to be their rescuer... .the same trait that allowed us all to get hurt.  

I believe, even though we say we don't want revenge ... an aspect of healing is to admit that, perhaps, there was, at some point, some thought to vengefulness ... although there might not be now.

She might hold on to the idea that she's OK ... and that makes you angry because her way isn't your way. If someone told you to get a 'check up from the neck up' ... would you see that as a criticism? (Cluster B despise criticism ... reaction to criticism, devalue).

Where are you on the intimate relationship score card?

The warning signs where there ... and you know now, in retrospect, that they were and are angry because you didn't heed them but ignored them ...   might have believed you could be different to any past partner ... !

Confusedandangry ... don't let your experience erode your compassion. It isn't compassion on trial here ... what is on trial is the strength to trust our own thoughts, feelings, gut instinct and sense of reality ... and not allow someone's empty words (without supporting action) to cloud our perception of it.

[once removed]

im not sure the original poster is talking about rescuing anyone or not holding anyone accountable. just tempering revenge fantasies with the acceptance that our exes are mentally ill.

[WoundedBibi]

I believe, even though we say we don't want revenge ... an aspect of healing is to admit that, perhaps, there was, at some point, some thought to vengefulness ... although there might not be now.

It sure was part of my healing...

I fantasized about hiring a hitman. Not to kill him. Just his friends, his flying monkeys who were giving me a hard time. One by one. There were only a few of them then so more 'doable'. Losing all his flying monkeys would take away his supply and feed his paranoia and send him over the edge so I thought. It involved me going to a sleezy bar in a sleezy part of the city wearing a Mackintosh coat and a fedora hat, sliding an envelope across the table saying "make it look like accidents" to a dodgy guy with a scarred face.

And I fantasized about sending material about BPD to his parents. Anonymous. With a letter saying they needed to get their son help as he was ffffing up lives. I hesitated about that one though; his parents are fffffed up too so it probably would be a really bad revenge scheme.

But yes, I fantasized about revenge a lot. And I don't have any problems with that. My mind is a free place. I am allowed to think or feel anything I want to. As long as I don't actually hire a hitman I am allowed to fantasize to my heart's content. Not that I need the revenge fantasies anymore.

[WoundedBibi]

im not sure the original poster is talking about rescuing anyone or not holding anyone accountable. just tempering revenge fantasies with the acceptance that our exes are mentally ill.

Judging by his second comment he thinks a lot of people here want revenge or are angry. And we shouldn't be angry as they are mentally ill and have been through a lot.

[C.Stein]

Anger and revenge/justice/retribution are not necessarily synonymous.  Feeling angry is a natural response to being hurt and is to be expected when someone we love hurts us.  Revenge/justice/retribution is when you act on your anger and it is not healthy or right under any circumstances.  It does not matter who the intended "target" is.  Just so we are clear I'm not suggesting people "turn the other cheek" either.  There are healthy ways to act on your anger and there are destructive ways (revenge/justice/retribution).

I believe, even though we say we don't want revenge ... an aspect of healing is to admit that, perhaps, there was, at some point, some thought to vengefulness ... although there might not be now.

This may be true for you, it was not for me, nor has it ever been.  I have never felt the need to get revenge/justice/retribution and trust me I have had plenty of times when I could have felt that way in my life.  Those feelings are just not a part of who I am.  That doesn't mean I don't get angry though.  I have been angry for the past 3 months at my ex, but in no way, shape or form have I ever entertained thoughts of revenge/justice/retribution.  Again, some care with the broad paint strokes would be appreciated.

[once removed]

I've read through many post with people who wanted to take revenge or are very angry at their exes. I'm referring to those post in particular.

im not sure the original poster is talking about rescuing anyone or not holding anyone accountable. just tempering revenge fantasies with the acceptance that our exes are mentally ill.

Judging by his second comment he thinks a lot of people here want revenge or are angry. And we shouldn't be angry as they are mentally ill and have been through a lot.

who said we shouldnt be angry? arent we kind of putting words in someones mouth? the message is "you have to remember they went through hell, they deserve happiness, they will always feel alone": compassion for the ex, no more, no less. its gotten a lot of push back. that may be an indicator of a trigger.

[Caley]

I've read through many post with people who wanted to take revenge or are very angry at their exes. I'm referring to those post in particular.

who said we shouldnt be angry? arent we kind of putting words in someones mouth? the message is "you have to remember they went through hell, they deserve happiness, they will always feel alone": compassion for the ex, no more, no less. its gotten a lot of push back. that may be an indicator of a trigger.

Vague ... can you expand?

[once removed]

probably not without derailing the thread and debating issues that werent raised in the first place.

reread the thread. think about it.

i, for one, experienced a whole lot of "justice" fantasies, not necessarily revenge. i wanted my ex to know what i knew and that she didnt "get away" with anything. i dont think there was anything wrong or unnatural about that; i certainly didnt act on them. they were a sign that i still had work to do, though.

[lunchbox123]

I think about getting revenge a lot, making her hurt the way she hurt me. Get justice for all the lies, the cheating and the neglect. All I'd have to do is tell my replacement she cheated on him many many times with me while they were together the 1st time (Yes she just recycled him again).

What stops me is knowing that even though I would hurt her, I don't win anything. I won't come out an inch farther towards recovery. Right now my exBPD leaves me alone, she's not my problem anymore. She only reaches out when she's lonely. If I were to tell him all I'm doing is opening a can of drama on myself and making her come back to hate me. She'll go back to suicide ideation and guess who she's gonna blame that on? Me.

Would it hurt her? Yes, it would devastate her, but at the end of the day she is a person with a mental illness and there's no glory in war.