surviving after the breakup

[sunnyspring]

Good Morning,

I am here during the process of mental survival after my ex boyfriend abandoned the relationship I thought we both cherished. It's been since the 1st of March. After my original shock, panic, physical pain in parts of my body from feeling hurt, I am now into sorrow.

The hardest part for me is to come to terms with a sudden disappearing of the person I loved. Not only he disappeared violently and suddenly from my life, but I feel he has no compassion for me, whether I am good, how I feel inside. Needless to say, this sudden breakup has taken place after a first period of extreme showers of love and affection, he was all over and around me. He forced himself into my life and then forced himself out.

Also, I find it hard to accept that he may hold a distorted view of what we shared, who I am, how I treated him. I find it hard to find peace inside, even though I have started yoga and meditation and I have true support from family and friends. I have been supportive and there for him in a stable and reliable way. I find it hard to accept that my investment was in vain.

[Ahoy]

If you feel lost (and it doesn't cause too much pain) immerse yourself in this forums. Realise you one of many and you are not doing this alone.

If it was BPD hopefully these posts hope you understand what happened and tools on how to cope with your immediate pain and grief.

What I love about these forums is that on every page, in between the painful and hurt-filled posts are some truly inspiring posts from those who have made it through the other side.

What I learned this week was that time is my ally in this, I wish he could speed up but really each day I'm feeling a little less hurt and a little stronger.

However you choose to deal with this p, you have found a truly awesome community

[heartandwhole]

Hi sunnyspring  

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm very sorry to hear about your sudden and hurtful breakup. I relate very much to your feelings—they are so understandable. I felt all of the things you described after my sudden breakup, too. As for the sorrow and grief, that will take some time to work through, but you can do it, and we are all here for you.  

You mentioned acceptance in your post. That is something that all of us on this forum have worked toward. In my opinion, it takes patience, understanding, and compassion to get there. Be gentle with yourself and take your healing one step at a time. You are already taking care of yourself with yoga, meditation and supportive friends—those are wonderful steps that will help so much! Things really do get better, sunnyspring. They did for me and they can for you, too.

When you are ready, tell us a little more about your story. How long were you and your boyfriend together? Are you still in contact with him?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here to support you.  

heartandwhole  

[Ab123]

Hi Sunnyspring,

It's hard to say for sure, because you don't say how long you were with him, but you sound a lot like me when I found this board last September, when my ex broke broke up with me very suddenly. If you click on my name, you can find my past posts. My struggles with him disappearing and then making sense of it as he reappeared may be helpful. I couldn't understand how he left me either... .  The first time he raged at me, I swear it felt like he was doing it BECAUSE everything was so very perfect. It was devastating.

[sunnyspring]

Thank you all for your warm and heartfelt messages. I have been in this relationship for one and a half years and I was already charmed by him for six months before we started going out.

One of the dimensions that should have been alarming for me is that he insisted on becoming 'one', one soul (he used to tell me that my heart beats inside his heart) and one body (he wished that we use sexual toys to become unified). At the time, I knew that a healthy relationship is about two adults connecting in a mutual way, not about becoming one. However, I was in love and slowly started falling for this idea, giving in to feeling like one and believing in his bizzare ideas that he felt every moment I thought of him just by insight, in a magical way.

I know I sound like a foul, but this is why I am hurting right now. I did trust and let go, to find myself being abandoned further down the line. I am not used to feeling vulnerable and I am not dwelling into misery. I am just trying to cope with my fears and with the separation. I loved him sincerely and all his vulnerabilities I accepted and supported.

I know in retrospect that I ended up giving to someone that could not even love himself, let alone me... .