What am I going to do to make my life joyful rather than a real slog?

[Lifewriter16]

Here are some dreams/ideas of things I might like to do during my life... .

These are mainly taken from a post in August. You'll note that I have taken some action.

Personal Development

Put greater focus upon maintaining my day-to-day wellness

Have some counselling with an AS specialist - in the pipeline

Undertake some art therapy

Find inner peace

How I present myself

Develop a wardrobe around 1950s and flapper girl themes

Lifewriter x

Spirituality

Live a simple life

Learn to meditate

Pray more often

Social Life

Meet up with old friends more often

Make some new friends - I've made one at my French class

Go out occasionally

Meet a nice, sane man... .

Lifestyle

Spend more time by water

Live on a barge

Live in a place where there is a sense of community and I am part of it

Live in community

Professional Development

Run more therapeutic writing and personal development courses

Do a foundation course in art therapy and incorporate it into my groups

Do a novel writing course - I've been doing this since last September

Do MA in Therapeutic Writing

Write a novel

Write health articles for magazines

Find an audience for my short stories

Write a screenplay

Do a PhD & do research

For Fun

Paint/draw flowers

Develop my patchwork

Create mosaics & stained glass

Pottery sculpture

Make teddy bears

Join a ballet class

Try ballroom dancing

Travel

Go on a traditional picnic complete with picnic basket, checked table cloth, posh nosh & champagne

Walk/cycle the entire length of the Leeds/Liverpool Canal (or do it by barge)

Visit Paris and spend time writing in cafes in Paris - I'm taking a French language course in preparation

Go to Cornwall and lose myself in the power of the sea

Take a trip to Scotland in a camper van and paint the scenery

Go to Egypt, travel down the Nile and see the pyramids

[eeks]

Hi Lifewriter,

This is an inspiring and thoughtful list.  The words that came to my mind were "nourishing yourself".  Is there anything we can do to support you in continuing to take action?

eeks

[Lifewriter16]

Hi eeks,

I think the things that I need to put in place most urgently are:

• start writing my novel because I'm putting energy into actively avoiding it and I have too much time on my hands



• spend more time with friends because I'm isolated



• get some regular voluntary work (and eventually, a part time job) because I have no real sense of contributing to society

However, I think learning to shower kindness upon myself needs to underpin everything I do, so I don't ruin everything with perfectionism and self-criticism, like telling myself it won't be good enough, that I'm failure because I haven't got a job, that I wouldn't be able to do a job well enough even if I did have one and a host of other things I do to ruin things for myself and keep myself stuck.

As to what you can do to support me in continuing to take action, I need to learn to do things regardless of the perceived quality of the output, so please encourage any output, any progress regardless of standard of work. I am more competent than I think I am and I need to take action accordingly.

Thanks.

Lifewriter x

[eeks]

However, I think learning to shower kindness upon myself needs to underpin everything I do, so I don't ruin everything with perfectionism and self-criticism, like telling myself it won't be good enough, that I'm failure because I haven't got a job, that I wouldn't be able to do a job well enough even if I did have one and a host of other things I do to ruin things for myself and keep myself stuck.

I find that my inner critic comes out in full force when I have taken or am thinking about taking life-serving, appropriate risks towards more authenticity and intimacy in my life.  :)o you think this may be what is happening for you?

If so, it may feel like a lack of kindness, but from what I observe in myself it seems more like a safety program that is just very strong and overrides everything else, and does not allow any natural kindness (or curiosity, flexibility, etc.) to emerge.

It's possible that what's happening here is that you are crossing those barriers into that territory (of feelings, desires etc.) where, in your childhood, it would have been dangerous to hope for more.  And so, I won't tell you to "be gentle with yourself" (that's sort of like telling a depressed person to cheer up) but I will say that you have the right to be gentle with yourself if that is what you want to do (as you're doing something difficult), and that you deserve gentleness.  

As to what you can do to support me in continuing to take action, I need to learn to do things regardless of the perceived quality of the output, so please encourage any output, any progress regardless of standard of work. I am more competent than I think I am and I need to take action accordingly.

I totally support any output (and focusing on effort and process, not the product, and maybe even enjoying the process!)  

The inner critic is a heckler, think about it, if you want to sabotage someone, scorning their first efforts towards something or when it's still in the middle of the process, for not being perfect or not looking like a finished product, is one way to do it!

I have not managed to talk back to my inner critic (or I do, and it doesn't seem to do anything because I am still afraid that it is right and if I do what I want to do, I'll make a fool of myself and it will say "I told you so".  I just had an idea for a different tactic, though.

I don't know if this will apply to you or resonates with how you interpret your own self-criticism, but I'll put it out there as a suggestion.  Whenever you feel the barrage of the critic coming on, say to it "Oh, you are really worried I'll do something that will cause me to get hurt, thank you for protecting me."  

[HurtinNW]

Lifewriter, I just want to say you sound like a thoroughly awesome person. I love all your ideas... .especially the flapper wardrobe!

[Cat Familiar]

I wanted to second eeks' comments on the inner critic.

I did some meditation on my inner critic some years ago. The image I saw in my mind was a terrifying swirl of red and black. I sat with it and spoke to it. What I found out was that it really had my best interest in mind and would try to scare me away from anything it perceived as "dangerous". I thanked it for its concern and asked if we could collaboratively change its image into one that didn't frighten me so much. It was very happy to finally be heard and appreciated and transformed itself into the image of a forest ranger. Since then, we've had only a cooperative and helpful relationship. I thank it regularly for it's assistance. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

Thanks for posting. I really appreciate it.

I find that my inner critic comes out in full force when I have taken or am thinking about taking life-serving, appropriate risks towards more authenticity and intimacy in my life.  Do you think this may be what is happening for you?

If so, it may feel like a lack of kindness, but from what I observe in myself it seems more like a safety program that is just very strong and overrides everything else, and does not allow any natural kindness (or curiosity, flexibility, etc.) to emerge.

It's possible that what's happening here is that you are crossing those barriers into that territory (of feelings, desires etc.) where, in your childhood, it would have been dangerous to hope for more.  And so, I won't tell you to "be gentle with yourself" (that's sort of like telling a depressed person to cheer up) but I will say that you have the right to be gentle with yourself if that is what you want to do (as you're doing something difficult), and that you deserve gentleness. 

The inner critic is a heckler, think about it, if you want to sabotage someone, scorning their first efforts towards something or when it's still in the middle of the process, for not being perfect or not looking like a finished product, is one way to do it!

I have not managed to talk back to my inner critic (or I do, and it doesn't seem to do anything because I am still afraid that it is right and if I do what I want to do, I'll make a fool of myself and it will say "I told you so".  I just had an idea for a different tactic, though.

I don't know if this will apply to you or resonates with how you interpret your own self-criticism, but I'll put it out there as a suggestion.  Whenever you feel the barrage of the critic coming on, say to it "Oh, you are really worried I'll do something that will cause me to get hurt, thank you for protecting me." 

I wanted to second eeks' comments on the inner critic.

I did some meditation on my inner critic some years ago. The image I saw in my mind was a terrifying swirl of red and black. I sat with it and spoke to it. What I found out was that it really had my best interest in mind and would try to scare me away from anything it perceived as "dangerous". I thanked it for its concern and asked if we could collaboratively change its image into one that didn't frighten me so much. It was very happy to finally be heard and appreciated and transformed itself into the image of a forest ranger. Since then, we've had only a cooperative and helpful relationship. I thank it regularly for it's assistance. 

These sound like some good ideas for dealing with the inner critic. I came across another one - written dialogue between parts of the self. I wonder if visualising myself writing my novel and having good feelings about that, then feeling the satisfaction of completing the manuscript and finding a keen publisher and editing my draft and then holding my completed, published novel would help too.

Between them, I'm sure I can find a way forward.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Today, I was reading about focussing intention as a way of ensuring that the hopes, dreams and aspirations that we realise are the ones that are most important to us.

I've prioritised my hopes and aspirations below:


Things that are really important to me

Short Term Priorities

Learn to meditate

Maintain a daily spiritual/journalling practice

Spend more time by water

Have some counselling with an AS specialist

Write my novel

Spend time with friends and create a social life

Go on retreat

Go on a traditional picnic complete with picnic basket, checked table cloth, posh nosh & champagne

Have a night/weekend away on a barge hotel

Develop my patchwork

Long Term Priorities

Find inner peace

Paint/draw flowers

Find an audience for my short stories

Have a successful, loving relationship

Live a simple life

Live in community

Take a barge trip along the entire length of the Leeds/Liverpool Canal

Visit Paris and spend time writing in cafes in Paris

Go to Egypt, travel down the Nile and see the pyramids


Things that are desireable to me

Develop a wardrobe around 1950s and flapper girl themes

Undertake some art therapy

Do a foundation course in art therapy and incorporate it into my groups

Do MA in Therapeutic Writing

Write health articles for magazines

Run more therapeutic writing and personal development courses

Write a screenplay

Get a PhD & do research

Have a large, country-style kitchen/diner and entertain, live and write in that space

Live on a barge

Develop my scrapbooking

Create mosaics & stained glass

Pottery sculpture

Make teddy bears

Join a ballet class

Try ballroom dancing

Learn French

Go to Cornwall and lose myself in the power of the sea

Take a trip to Scotland in a camper van and paint the scenery

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Yesterday, I was really inspired. I realised that writing my novel is my most important aspiration and I came up with some ideas of things I can be working on in advance of commencing the actual drafting. I felt GOOD.

And then a kind of terror/depression/sense of being stuck descended upon me yesterday evening:

I feel like being without a relationship, being without someone to focus my attention upon, is like throwing myself voluntarily over the edge of a precipice... .as is thinking about taking action upon my hopes and dreams. I find myself just sitting and doing nothing because of a kind of internal terror. I find myself longing to see my ex (and even the one before him) and I think it's this precipice that's at the root of my longing.

Lifewriter x

And the feeling remains with me today. I'll do almost anything but the things I most want to do. I spend money on things I don't really want and fail to buy the things that I really do want. I spend the same amount, but I end up without what I hope for. It feels like self-deprivation, self-punishment even. I've had this brick wall in front of me for years. I want to write my novel and I won't do it. I am in conflict, tremendous conflict and I'm wasting my life avoiding the very things that would bring me joy. I'm sitting around lonely and miserable watching as my life ticks by knowing all the time that I'm the only one who can change my life and I'm the one who is consistently refusing to do so.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Progress Report

I got a character profile proforma completed today meaning I can start sketching out the characters for my novel.

I feel happy to have achieved something that is important to me and it stopped me obsessing about my BPDxbf all day (I just obsessed some of the day instead, but it's an improvement).

Lifewriter x

[eeks]

Hi LW, how's it going with this list?

I feel happy to have achieved something that is important to me and it stopped me obsessing about my BPDxbf all day (I just obsessed some of the day instead, but it's an improvement).

Yay for obsessing only SOME of the day not ALL day!  

If you're still struggling, I have a couple ideas.  :)o you think it would be helpful to have a schedule, decide to do something (meditating, writing, doesn't matter) for 10 minutes a day, first thing in the morning?  Then you just do it, you don't have to think about it or say "I'll do it later" etc.

There is an author Barbara Sher (I would call what she does, "irreverent life coaching" who gives an anecdote in one of her books of telling a man who wanted to draw, but suffered a barrage of self-criticism, to "do one bad drawing a day".   (of course he did the one bad drawing a day and it turned out he looked at them and after a while they weren't so bad after all.)

So, how about 10 minutes of mediocre meditation a day?  10 minutes of tepid writing a day?  

That said, I personally find that in order to stick to a schedule, it's better if I decide to go to a class that I signed up and paid for (or it's free, but I would feel bad taking a spot in the class and not using it when someone else could have it).  If I just said "do yoga while I wait for my coffee to brew in the morning", that one tends to fizzle out after a few days.  :)epends what works for you, I guess.

Also, I took another look at your list and you say "creating a social life" is really important to you.  And I see that you have "try ballroom dancing" further down on the priority list.  Social dance is fun, good exercise and you meet people, maybe we can combine a few items from your list here?  

Someone invited me to try contra dancing last week, I had never heard of it before but I loved it!  Here is a video, this is pretty much what it was https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1cPyJWm-g4

So this friend didn't tell me it wasn't a beginner level event, but I have done salsa, lindy hop and west coast swing before and I found my experience with "following" in partner dance really helpful (men usually lead and women follow, but there's no gender restrictions and a lot of people learn the opposite role once they've mastered one).  The steps were simple, but the patterns were complex (you start with a partner, all the partners line up and join another pair for a group of four, do a sequence of moves, then each pair shifts and joins a new pair for a new group of four, repeat sequence)  I found that itself was meditative because it gave my brain so much to do that the anxiety just cleared out.  "Mindfulness" doesn't have to involve a cushion, Buddha statue and singing bowl.

Plus, it reminded me that I used to have social connections in the swing dancing community I was part of (another city, several years ago) and that dance can be a good way to meet people.  When you said you wanted to create a social life, I don't know if you meant meet new people, or develop the ties you already have.  However, if you find you have challenges with emotions and social skills, I wonder if social dance would be a good "bridge" of sorts, you get human interaction without having to start from zero and make conversation with a bunch of strangers or acquaintances, there are set activities, it's normal to dance with different people (so approaching someone to ask them to dance is not a big deal).

[HurtinNW]

Hi Lifewriter!

Here's a hug 

I'm a writer, a novelist actually. Everyone is different, but here are a few things that have worked for myself and writer friends. Feel free to take or leave:

1) Join an online or facebook writer's group for support and encouragement. The Binders is one such group on FB. (look for Binders of Women Writers). There are subgroups for aspiring novelists.

2) Find a few writer buddies that you can commiserate with online or in real life.

3) Set a certain amount of time a day you must write. It doesn't matter if you don't produce. I do an hour a day. I tell myself I can use that hour to edit what I've already written, outline, anything, but I have to be sitting at my desk with my novel open. It's surprising what you can do in an hour a day. 

4) Create rituals around writing. A glass of wine. Chocolate. Candles. A walk... .whatever you like. Do the ritual each time before you write and pretty soon you'll find your mind transitions much quicker.

5) If there is one in your area, and you are keen on them, join a writer's group. Personally I prefer to write in isolation, but many writers enjoy sharing their work in process.

I believe art saves us, in so many ways. It helps us heal. It can illuminate parts of our soul. It's a beautiful way to communicate to the world, a profoundly redemptive act.

Let us know how we can support you as you write!

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks guys. You can't imagine how much I appreciate the support you give me.


My meditation/personal journaling/healing/prayer is going really well. Eeks, I really liked your example of the man who was advised to do one bad drawing a day - I can certainly do the written equivalent, though not necessarily daily. I'm warming to the idea of combining the dancing and a social life too. That's been suggested before but I didn't pay much attention to the idea. I think I'll give it more space this time. Hurtin, I was excited to read in another thread yesterday that you are a fellow writer. Thanks for your ideas. I'm in the process of buying myself a light laptop/netbook/tablet & keyboard because I'm planning to write in my local coffee shop. I like to be around people when I write but not necessarily interacting with them. There is a writers' group locally. I'm not sure whether that's going to work for me because last time I went, most of the focus was upon sharing work rather than emotional support and my auditory processing skills are so bad that it was a source of boredom and frustration for me. Having said that, there's a second group that might be more suitable and something less formal could work for me too. It may be that some of the people from the novel writing course that I attend might like to meet up on a regular basis once the course is over. It might be worth giving the groups another chance and asking for print outs of work to be read. Last time I attended, I wasn't actively writing. I might feel more comfortable there once I have got into a regular routine and feel more okay about calling myself a 'writer'. Having said that, I am a 'writer', I write everyday. It's just a matter of changing the nature of the output.


Love Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, writing two crappy pages, or one bad painting a day is an excellent way to make very good progress.

Even more so with meditation. My meditation teacher once said that 90% of it is just showing up and deciding to meditate. So if you can do 10 minutes of "crappy" meditation a day, that will help. LOTS.

The idea of being "a writer" is a funny one. Sometime about a couple years ago, I wrote a piece for the blog I shared with my wife. It was REALLY GOOD. I wrote it myself, edited it myself, and published it. My wife has always been a writer and an editor. Over the years, she wrote 60-95% of our blog, and very often did some quite helpful editing on my writings there.

After publishing this piece, I realized that A) The quality of this piece proved that I was a very good writer, if I looked at it on my own, instead of comparing myself to her, and B) I write so much that I must be a writer... .at that time, I think I had a couple thousand posts here... .and it was clear that my writing skill was sufficient for these postings to be effective, from the feedback/responses I get.