Self Isolating?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi guys! 

I wasn't sure if to post this here or on personal inventory.  I settled on here because it is something that has come up at different times in my life and likely related to core/FOO stuff.  I certainly want to 'get to the bottom' of it, therefore would appreciate more than pragmatic strategies, but some deeper digging into the root of things.  (Feel free to move, I'm not sure where it belongs)

I have been invited to several events in the upcoming weeks.  They are things I think I would enjoy.  I am not really extroverted, however, in 'my comfort zone' I appear to be quite extroverted or at least can be very sociable.

Yet, this month, I feel like I am dreading doing anything outside of the home. (Other than work). The events I have been invited to are actually within my comfort zone, yet, I feel anxious about them.  I don't even really feel like txting people that I am usually social with via txt!

If I had to name the feelings that come up for me about this it would be just one, shame.  This logically seems odd to me.  Emotionally, I feel like I am struggling so I don't want anyone to 'witness' 'Me' this way.  I like to be social when I am feeling my strong healthy Me.  Logically, I realize that they will not see my current emotional struggles really.

Any thoughts?  Does anyone relate to feelings of shame or dealing with some emotional things and wanting to avoid people as if the feelings are written on your forehead?

Thank you,

Sunflower

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Sunflower! 

Rest assured, you are not alone in this! I have often felt this way, and it takes a bit of stumbling about and generally hiding from anyone and everyone. It's rather awful, wouldn't you say? I hate these triggering times of aimless wandering, full scale retreat, and so much confusion and fog in my mind and emotions.

My T has helped me to get through these times of which, through the process of healing, I still frequently find myself. He usually asks me what took place in the past 24 hrs that may have been triggering. If I don't find anything, then I keep slowly going back to the time when I began feeling that way. Do you know how long ago this began? In your more recent posts, I think you were experiencing some pretty strong things. Do you feel they could be connected?

I've found tremendous help from digging out my feeling wheel and/or my 3 page list of feeling words. That has helped me to isolate what my feelings are saying (often they're related to something my inner child is trying hard to communicate to me), and then I again try to discover why I'm having those feelings. Have you ever seen a feeling wheel or do you have a list that might help you?

A hug for you! 

Wools

[Sunfl0wer]

Omg! Thank you! I just needed to hear I am not alone!

Let me go celebrate and process just that atm, then come back to process the remainder.

Yay!

[Sunfl0wer]

My T has helped me to get through these times of which, through the process of healing, I still frequently find myself. He usually asks me what took place in the past 24 hrs that may have been triggering. If I don't find anything, then I keep slowly going back to the time when I began feeling that way. Do you know how long ago this began? In your more recent posts, I think you were experiencing some pretty strong things. Do you feel they could be connected?

I've found tremendous help from digging out my feeling wheel and/or my 3 page list of feeling words. That has helped me to isolate what my feelings are saying (often they're related to something my inner child is trying hard to communicate to me), and then I again try to discover why I'm having those feelings. Have you ever seen a feeling wheel or do you have a list that might help you?

A hug for you! 

Wools

Ok, I think I can handle a reply... . 

Thank you for noticing Wools, my recent issue! 

Yes, they are absolutely related.

I feel like I have hit some PTSD regression, or peeled off a scab and am working through it.  I am not back to my usual 'baseline' of consistency for being PTSD asymptomatic mostly.  I am quite dissociative lately, and rather than fight it, I am working with it, which I feel is best right now.

To face people, makes me feel like I have to fight my PTSD regression and work harder to appear 'normal.'

This makes me feel like I am dishonoring this part of me.  ( a self invalidation of sorts)

This also makes me worrisome that they can 'see' my dissociation.  (It feels too private to share)

Also, them 'seeing' it makes me fear being judged and may affect my work reputation, which is important for my work.

In the past, I have had some quirky social blips, and well, I am self conscious of that more than ever as it can cause me then to have exacerbated PTSD as I ruminate over the affects of it, ugh!

... .

Lol! In the past, you posted about feeling wheel.  That was my first introduction to it as I looked it up.  Did I explain my situation well enough?  Or should I break out a wheel?

[Woolspinner2000]

Sonflower, you did just fine with your explanation.  And you have a great memory to recall my post about the feeling wheel!

I feel like I have hit some PTSD regression, or peeled off a scab and am working through it.  I am not back to my usual 'baseline' of consistency for being PTSD asymptomatic mostly.  I am quite dissociative lately, and rather than fight it, I am working with it, which I feel is best right now.

To face people, makes me feel like I have to fight my PTSD regression and work harder to appear 'normal.'

First let me congratulate you on not fighting against what you are going through, but instead you are doing your best to work with what is going on.  This is such a great step, to not avoid the feelings, but to press on and see what is going on.  . I would say that I also have symptoms of C-PTSD, so I too can relate to how much 'something' (one never knows what that will be as we recover) triggering me into the feelings you described in your first post.

It is difficult to go through a day appearing normal when we are all stirred up inside. Some of what you describe says very much "inner child" to me. Are you able to see what your little one is saying? It is absolutely okay that you don't feel like socializing right now. What about taking your little one by the hand and sneaking away to a safe place inside of you and being quiet, where you can hide away for awhile until she is ready to tell you what is going on? I often have to do this, retreating to a secret place or a safe room inside of myself. I stop trying to figure it out, and then I let us both stay away from people (the emotional aspect and sometimes the physical aspect) until I feel better.

My own discovery is that I need to hide away from my uBPDm who was shaming or punishing or raging at me. My mind becomes triggered in the moments of today from 'something,' and until I slow those emotions down, I live within the fogginess that you describe. Kwamina has mentioned this in the previous feature thread about PTSD and emotional flashbacks. Have you read the 13 Steps to Flashback Management by Pete Walker?

I hope there is something here that may help to calm you. I would come and sit quietly with you and your little one too and tell you both that you are safe now.


Wools

[Sunfl0wer]

 :'(

That is so sweet Wools!

Thank you!

I will reply more later.

[HappyChappy]

I have been invited to several events in the upcoming weeks.  They are things I think I would enjoy.  I am not really extroverted, however, in 'my comfort zone' I appear to be quite extroverted or at least can be very sociable.

Yet, this month, I feel like I am dreading doing anything outside of the home.

Hi Sunflower,

Totaly relate to the feelings you describe in your first post. When I went through CBT therapy for C-PTSD with the NHS, their questionnaire you fill out each time you meet asks the very question you poss. I.e. how mood effects how you socialise. They would say the cure is to improve you underlying mood. But with children of  BPD, let be honest our parents worked hard to isolate us. A BPD would also typically try to humiliate us in front of other , so here again this all feeds these feelings. But they’re natural, and curable. I actually find socialising easy and wouldn’t call myself an introverted, but I will lose the apatite to socialise periodically. Just come out of one such lul by focusing on being kind to myself. The problem I have as someone with C-PTSD is when I do isolate myself I don’t have my good friends around to ground me, and my anxiety gets to run riot. So Sunflower are you getting help with your C-PTSD ?

[bethanny]

Sunflower,

Thanks for this. I seem to be in some long-term isolation mode.

A quote I love is "Isolation is the dark room where I develop my negatives."  I need to heed it harder.

I was raised to NOT ground myself with boundaries (treason to my uBPD mother to have a will of my own) and therefore was constantly reactive to all others, too obsessed with what was going on with them, even benign others.  My own inner child seems to fear I will lose my own momentum and grounding being distracted by the needs of others. With the uBPD and bullying others, focusing on my own needs brought about shaming, punishing, abandonment, guilting, etc.

Amazing how ferocious that chronic tasering was, how it hard wired or is it wet-blanketed my spirit.

The older I get the more reluctant I feel I am for intimacy.  You would think maturation and awareness would increase my capacity but it makes me more realistic to the depths of my C-PTSD. I don't want to disappoint and surprise others with my fragility and struggles to be honest (or sacrifice that honesty for affinity and erode my own needs).

Enough for now but this is tip of one of my icebergs I am sure.

best,

Bethanny

[Sunfl0wer]

It is absolutely okay that you don't feel like socializing right now. What about taking your little one by the hand and sneaking away to a safe place inside of you and being quiet, where you can hide away for awhile until she is ready to tell you what is going on? I often have to do this, retreating to a secret place or a safe room inside of myself. I stop trying to figure it out, and then I let us both stay away from people (the emotional aspect and sometimes the physical aspect) until I feel better.

YES!

This is what I needed!  I needed permission to sit quietly and 'just be' with my inner child.

Thank you so much for letting me know that this is allowed!

She is still sitting with me.  She was recently hurt, as you recall.  She will stay beside me a bit, maybe participate in T tomorrow with me if she wants, or maybe I will speak for her if she prefer, or just get guidance to support her.

There are times when the best thing to do is to 'force' myself to 'act normal.'

Then there are times when escaping with her, is what is needed.

I am not sure how to explain the difference, but my gut seems to know, and if I do escape, doing so without having an additional associated burden of guilt, is best anyway.

Thank you!

[Woolspinner2000]

You've gotten it, Sonflower! Bravo!  Take all the time you need. It is worth it.

I found myself thinking of you and this thread last night. I was in my own extreme anxiety mode after meeting another couple for dinner. I felt the tension and anxiety in my body as soon as we left, but was totally unaware of how much I'd been, as you said, "forcing myself to act normal." I tried to see what my Lil' Wools was saying but she has retreated and doesn't want to socialize either. 

There are times when the best thing to do is to 'force' myself to 'act normal.'

Then there are times when escaping with her, is what is needed.

I am escaping for a while too. 

Hope the two of you rest well.


Wools

[Sunfl0wer]

Happychappy,

You make a lot of very great points.  Thank you for relating your experiences, I feel very similar.  

Being kind to myself DOES help! (vs a tendency to isolate for self loathing and shame.)

Socialize also can be extremely grounding to me! (It may be possible that when I want to isolate, to find 'safer' ways to socialize vs all or nothing.  Maybe a smaller dose somehow I can consider)

So Sunflower are you getting help with your C-PTSD ?

Ugh! This is a tricky question that keeps coming up for me.  (But I appreciate challenges sometimes)

I am in therapy.  My therapist is not a 'trauma therapist' however, has a zillion other benefits.  I am still seeing him and deciding how much of this stuff we can work on together.  

What is unusual, is that another T about 6 years ago said "stop identifying yourself as someone with PTSD, you no longer fit that."  Well, my feeling is, she was correct, well, and not correct.  She was correct, I had not had any PTSD issues impacting my life for a while, it was pretty much none existent.  However, with cPTSD, to simply say I no longer 'qualify' for a diagnosis is to neglect appreciating the reality that those with the 'c' have such complexities because of how the brain is wired during the developmental process due to wiring.  There is no way for a therapist to treat me and not recognize that my mind was traumatically wired during its development... .Even if I present as asymptomatic, my brain, in my understanding, well, is one that developed and was shaped during trauma experiences.

So now that I formulated that distracting/avoidant tangent... .*sigh*

I would like to confront my T with my trauma and see how we go.  My sessions are just twice a month atm, so this takes, well, months!

This process, admit-tingly confuses me, and my own executive functioning goes out the window on some things like this.

1. I feel leaving him would cause me trauma I cannot handle right now.  (I am petrified of losing him actually, I have no family... .he feels like a constant that keeps me grounded in life somehow.  ... .if he agreed to supplement a therapist, maybe this could work, yet I realize therapists don't do this typically)

2. I trust him this far, and he is bright enough to spar mentally/psychologically with me (that is almost impossible for me to find, excuse what may sound narc there)

3. I did google local trauma/EMDR specialists and was not at all impressed, but did not do a fantastic effort of it. (I simply feel so overwhelmed with these executive tasks lately, so one so emotional, causes me to decompensate some, ugh!)

So current plan:

Tomorrow try to bring up trauma needs and address, see what takes place.

Honestly, last visit, I confused him! (Which has never happened, he is usually sharp, quite brilliant actually)

[Sunfl0wer]

Wow!  You guys!  I am so touched, speaking here feels like that inner child is seen!

When others ask, was I the golden child, black sheep, etc.  

I sadly, pitifully say no.  I did not get such lofty named position.  

I was what I call "the Invisible Child", well, actually, come to think of it, so too were the golden child and such.  (Not to minimize them, they actually were invisible in their own ways)

What kept me safe, was my ability to stay invisible.  I was literally mute, and this silence in the world both protected me and deceived me.  Others thought I had nothing to say.  They could not make sense of the hiding child who does not speak.  I was left alone.  To be alone was safer.  To not speak, safer.

Anyway, thank you all for hearing me! It means so so much, it is not possible to express!

Sunflower,

Thanks for this. I seem to be in some long-term isolation mode.

A quote I love is "Isolation is the dark room where I develop my negatives."  I need to heed it harder.

I was raised to NOT ground myself with boundaries (treason to my uBPD mother to have a will of my own) and therefore was constantly reactive to all others, too obsessed with what was going on with them, even benign others.  My own inner child seems to fear I will lose my own momentum and grounding being distracted by the needs of others. With the uBPD and bullying others, focusing on my own needs brought about shaming, punishing, abandonment, guilting, etc.

Amazing how ferocious that chronic tasering was, how it hard wired or is it wet-blanketed my spirit.

The older I get the more reluctant I feel I am for intimacy.  You would think maturation and awareness would increase my capacity but it makes me more realistic to the depths of my C-PTSD. I don't want to disappoint and surprise others with my fragility and struggles to be honest (or sacrifice that honesty for affinity and erode my own needs).

Enough for now but this is tip of one of my icebergs I am sure.

best,

Bethanny

Bethanny,

I so relate to not being allowed boundaries.  To needing to preoccupy myself with others to protect myself.

Yet this sentence spoke to my heart so strongly!

I don't want to disappoint and surprise others with my fragility and struggles to be honest (or sacrifice that honesty for affinity and erode my own needs)

Wow! Exactly!

Part of my isolation is to hide those parts of me.

I do love the moments when I am scared, venture anyway, and feel accepted.  These moments feel magical to me.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Sunfl0wer

Gently avoiding someone is an opposite action when it comes to anger.

I don't know if you feel any anger or not but I can tell you for me the gentle part is extremely difficult

Perhaps what you are calling self isolating is gentle avoidance?

If so that's a positive not a negative.