Struggle After Discard

[Fateful]

On Friday, I was left with an ultimatum: to delete my ex's friends/family from social media and/or let her know there is no hope.

Since my last encounter/contact with my ex about a month ago (the details of which you can read about in my introductory thread from yesterday: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292579.0), I went no contact. Nothing. No responding to anything she sent my way. Let me tell you: it was a lot. A lot of endearing, I love you so much language, and numerous emails and attempts at contacting me. It really hooked me in and had me watching. I knew, though, that any response I gave her would only hurt me. I couldn't trust her after what happened (to summarize, my last encounter with her was vile and filled with emotional and physical abuse). If I were to ever speak to her again, I would need much more time than a month. In any case, after the ultimatum, I ignored it for a while, but ended up blocking her from my social media later that day--not her friends or family. Social media is generally wrapped up in a lot of petty nonsense, and it did not bother me to be connected to her friends/family. She took my action as a response to her ultimatum and told me: "I see you went with the blocking route. Very mature. I didn't think you were capable of being so awful. Good luck." It seems like that's it for her. What's confusing is that I'm the one who left her in the first place, eventually got sucked into listening to her for a while, then went no contact. But I'm here feeling pretty empty that the mere act of my blocking her social media could set her off. I guess it's not worth it to read too far into; I just don't want to start the recovery process over again. I've worked so hard to refrain from speaking with her for over a month now -- but I'm somewhat going back to how I felt in the beginning and drawn to reaching out. Again, I know that if I do, especially at this point, I will be hurt pretty bad. I'm not sure if discarded is the right term for what's going on, but it's how I feel strangely. I'm sure she's luring in the prey she's kept waiting on the side now. Any time I think that it can't get much worse, something new has happened. When will it end? I feel as though this must be the final step for me to take in order to fully move forward--knowing that she is, at least for now, completely done the harassment, stalking, and incessant attempts at contact. It's strange to be drawn to that and want the pain, but I know it's tied to deeper issues I have.

How did you guys recover after being discarded? Did I do something mean-spirited or wrong by blocking her when I did? Is it likely that she will reach out again? Is there any chance of normalcy between us?

[patientandclear]

From this account, you are the one who did the discarding. She behaved awfully, but you ended it, and then, more decisively cut things off by blocking her.

Is the thing you are struggling with how betrayed you feel that she acted so awfully that you felt you HAD to discard her?

It's important to understand correctly that some of what happened are the actions and choices of the pwBPD; and some of what happened has to do with our reactions. Here, your reaction ("I will not be able to trust her" may be completely reasonable and objectively correct. But you still are the one who did the discarding. If you wanted to accept her as she is, you could have remained together, right? Not saying you should have or that that would have been a self-respecting course. Just flagging that it sounds like she was just herself, and it was you who decided that that precluded a relationship.

[WoundedBibi]

On Friday, I was left with an ultimatum: to delete my ex's friends/family from social media and/or let her know there is no hope.

Since my last encounter/contact with my ex about a month ago (the details of which you can read about in my introductory thread from yesterday: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292579.0)

I read it yesterday. I thought it was heart wrenching. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that and are going though all of the pain you are in now.

But I can't help but say based on your intro thread: you have issues with boundaries and codependency by the looks of it and I hope for you you're working on them.

I went no contact. Nothing. No responding to anything she sent my way. Let me tell you: it was a lot. A lot of endearing, I love you so much language, and numerous emails and attempts at contacting me. It really hooked me in and had me watching. I knew, though, that any response I gave her would only hurt me. I couldn't trust her after what happened (to summarize, my last encounter with her was vile and filled with emotional and physical abuse). If I were to ever speak to her again, I would need much more time than a month. In any case, after the ultimatum, I ignored it for a while, but ended up blocking her from my social media later that day--not her friends or family.

Very strong that you did not respond. But I have to ask: why did you sit and watch the communication come in? Why did you not block her all the way if you knew communicating with her would hurt you? If you would have blocked her the temptation to respond would have been 0. There might have been the temptation to reach out, but not to respond.

Social media is generally wrapped up in a lot of petty nonsense, and it did not bother me to be connected to her friends/family. She took my action as a response to her ultimatum and told me: "I see you went with the blocking route. Very mature. I didn't think you were capable of being so awful. Good luck." It seems like that's it for her. What's confusing is that I'm the one who left her in the first place, eventually got sucked into listening to her for a while, then went no contact. But I'm here feeling pretty empty that the mere act of my blocking her social media could set her off.

What did you expect to happen instead? After all of her OTT behaviour did you expect her to silently slink away now?

I guess it's not worth it to read too far into; I just don't want to start the recovery process over again. I've worked so hard to refrain from speaking with her for over a month now -- but I'm somewhat going back to how I felt in the beginning and drawn to reaching out. Again, I know that if I do, especially at this point, I will be hurt pretty bad. I'm not sure if discarded is the right term for what's going on, but it's how I feel strangely.

PAC is right. You did the discarding. Is the feeling of being discarded perhaps linked backed to thinking you were in a nice relationship at the beginning and then finding you had ended up in a nightmare instead of a fairytale?

I'm sure she's luring in the prey she's kept waiting on the side now. Any time I think that it can't get much worse, something new has happened. When will it end?

That's difficult to say. When your replacement is doing a proper job you'll be in the clear for at least a while from her. But a lot also depends on you. It will end when you have processed all that happened and looked into why it happened and worked on preventing anything like this ever happening again. It completely ends when you are fully detached. The craziest roller coaster stops way before then, don't worry.

I feel as though this must be the final step for me to take in order to fully move forward--knowing that she is, at least for now, completely done the harassment, stalking, and incessant attempts at contact. It's strange to be drawn to that and want the pain, but I know it's tied to deeper issues I have.

No, I disagree. The final step for you to take in order to fully move away from harassment, stalking and incessant attempts at contact is going NC. If that, moving fully away of etc, is what you want you need to block all ways she has of contacting you. And you haven't. She could still get her "ohhhh... .you've blocked me, mature... " message through to you. You're leaving the door open for her that way.

How did you guys recover after being discarded? Did I do something mean-spirited or wrong by blocking her when I did? Is it likely that she will reach out again? Is there any chance of normalcy between us?

I walked away. I am still recovering. Nobody here is recovered. That is why we are still here. I made progress in my recovery by reading up on BPD (and NPD), especially on this site. By going NC, by resting, crying, talking, finding myself a T, focusing on me, on why I ended up in this relationship, why I didn't trust my gut that warned me something was off with this guy, why I accepted behaviour that hurt me deeply. By spending time with friends. By doing mediation and yoga. Taking care of myself.

Do YOU think you did something mean-spirited or wrong by blocking her? Or is that just because she said you're awful for doing that?

Normalcy between people who just broke up is usually not possible. When they are both mentally sound after a while and when neither has any ulterior motive there might be an option for normalcy.

She is mentally ill. She will always have an ulterior motive. So my answer would be: no.

But more importantly, why would you want normalcy? And after having been with her what is normalcy? What would that look like looking at your shared past?

[bus boy]

Hi faithful.  The discard was tough, no doubt about it. It took lots of counselling,  talking, time, work on self. The empty feeling does go away. Don't feel like the bad guy for blocking.  No contact is important for recovery from the BPD. Her " very mature , didn't think you were capable of being so awful, good luck" was meant to hurt, that's what they do. I was being denied access to my son, I got a text " thanks for taking me to court and waiting my money". You did nothing wrong. Border lines feed off of your guilt, shame, any negative feeling they can project on you. No contact will be tough but it will save you from mental misery. They are emotional vampires and will suck you dry. Feel good about your choice to block. I wanted to give up, make contact but I didn't I got through the pain, many people on this form did and it is well worth it. No contact and move on one day at a time.

[Fateful]

Thank you for your replies, everyone.

The past few days have been a struggle, but some of this has been quite enlightening. You are correct -- when it came down to it, I am the one who ultimately ended the relationship. Although, a few weeks prior to that, she broke up with me over the living together argument stating "if I can't make a plan right now, then we should break up. Get back to me when you have an answer." Hung up. Immediately texted me "and in the meantime we are not together." When I confronted her about this, she didn't think it was for real and was just being "emotional." In any case, what I've been struggling with is that this doesn't seem to be a common situation for most folks on this board -- in fact, I haven't read a story yet about someone leaving before being discarded. I think I caught a snippet of the behavior and stopped it before it cycled. When we tried to be "friends" and see where it goes and I reached out, she was cold and short with me. Then when I didn't respond to her immediately the next day, I was under fire. Does this sort of situation happen sometimes, where the non ends it before being discarded? I do have boundary issues, but it's confusing to me that I was the one to end the relationship with those issues. So, while I do have serious boundary issues, I suppose I am able to put my foot down at some point. Hopefully at a point when it wasn't too late and the damage is minimal.

I feel like I'm regressing back to earlier feelings after the last incident. I desperately want to reach out to her, but what would I say? I think this is where my co-dependent nature sort of kicks in. I am lonely, miss her companionship, and many of the things we used to do together. At this juncture, I believe that she has completely given up. I know that I'm the one who closed the door -- but I didn't WANT to do that, I felt like I HAD to because of the abuse. After I last saw her I was ten pounds underweight and felt physically ill. Why is it that I keep getting drawn back to her when I know and experienced so many hurtful things from her? Is this the co-dependency? Is there a way to break through co-dependency or is it a lifelong struggle of managing symptoms? That's quite scary to me. While still difficult, I've come to feel as though this would all be much easier if I were able to regularly meet and interact with new people. I'm a shy person and have trouble socializing with strangers/new people and finding comfortable situations in which to do that.

In response to some other questions: I watched the communication come in because it was the last link I had to her and it made me feel somewhat connected still. It was definitely a poor choice and an unhealthy one. I don't think I did something wrong by blocking her; I think that was me finally closing the door, which is tremendously difficult for me. I should have done it the day after the last incident. But now, with the door seeming to be closed on both ends, I am feeling a bit lost and scared. I have been exploring the core issues of why I got into this situation and have a pretty good understanding of that. I just haven't been able to fully and completely detach and that is making this very difficult. Toward the end of one of her last emails, she mentioned that she was talking to a recruiter in a different city since I refused to talk to her. Is it often the case that these folks up and move when things don't go their way, particularly in a situation like mine? It would be difficult on some level to deal with if she left, but it would also be a big help in my recovery. I am still terrified of running into her in town and having issues with that.

Another point I'm struggling with is that, being that my behavior/experience seems to be quite different from many of the cases I'm reading here, I wonder if I don't have this right. I've started to feel like the "crazy" one and the one who abandoned and broke love. I feel guilty--as if I could have and should have done more to fight for the relationship. For about a month, she tried to bring me back in with loving and committed words indicating that she is working on herself and her problems, seeing a T/psychiatrist, etc. "Why can't you just let me love you and be imperfect and work on myself? If you loved me, you would give me a second chance." I struggled to trust the words. Around a week ago when she last contacted me, her language turned around to be quite different, basically implying that she was the victim. "How can you be ok with what you are doing?" Telling me that I was worse than her abusive ex. Telling me that the things I did (bring her flowers, spend time with her, etc.) were "nice" but that it meant nothing -- real love is "standing by the other person's side in difficult times." Should I have ever responded, even if just to clearly state, again, that the relationship was over or that I wasn't able to talk at this juncture? I had tried ending it all (again) during our last encounter, but was met with serious resistance, threats, and emotional/physical abuse. I sit here wondering, if I gave her a second chance, would this have happened all over again? What if she actually doesn't have BPD or BPD traits and I am misreading this situation? I experienced a lot of push and pull from her throughout the end of the relationship and quite a bit of hurtful words/emotional abuse. She would always say that if you love someone, you stick it out. I fully believe in sticking it out with a partner and working at a relationship; that's a core principle of mine. But it started to come to the dangerous expense of my own health and well-being. Perhaps this was a turning point, though, and I just didn't recognize it or have it in me to roll the dice. So, I'm left wondering, should I have stuck it out?

In trying to recover from all of this, the first step I took was to not contact or respond to her. I started taking yoga classes. Slowly getting back into photography and music. While all of this is somewhat helpful, it has been basically a mild distraction from the pain. I am trying to find my breakthrough moment and I'm not sure how I will find it. I feel like I have made a good amount of progress compared to where I was a month ago, and I don't want to regress and fall back into where I was. I want to move forward, not backward.

[Daniell85]

What was the issue with her family and friends on social media? Sorry I am not understanding. What kind of contact were you having there with her family, etc.  :)id she explain why she wanted you to disengage so completely?


Whether you "broke love" or not, clearly you are upset enough to not be able to engage effectively. Time for a break until people calm down. Or forever if you want.

[Fateful]

I'm not sure why she said that. I was not in contact with her friends or family. I presume it's because if this was going to be over she wanted me completely out of the picture. I don't think there's any reconciling this now-- but I of course am stuck on the 'what ifs' I mention above and the fantasy image of her.

[once removed]

hi fateful, id like to join the others and say

Then when I didn't respond to her immediately the next day, I was under fire. Does this sort of situation happen sometimes, where the non ends it before being discarded?

sort of. i didnt end it, i cornered my ex and she admitted shed been considering breaking up. we had a pretty normal breakup conversation that was amicable. thing is, i was incredibly confused, as i kept pressing her on if this is what she wanted, if she wanted to officially breakup, and i never got a clear answer. i gave it a few days, i didnt hear from her. i decided to signal that i accepted the breakup and removed my relationship status on facebook (she had removed hers even before our converation) and i changed my profile picture.

nevermind any of our discussion or her wishes. this made it real. this triggered the sense of abandonment. i woke up the next morning, and she was throwing the replacement in my face. from this point forward, she was nothing but vindictive toward me.

so yeah. she (apparently) broke up with ME, i signaled that i accepted it (she perceived that as abandonment) and it was at that point that i was discarded and painted black.

i didnt want it either, though a large enough part of me did. abuse is a valid reason to end a relationship and it sounds like you were acting on your gut, and in self preservation. it sounds like her reaction is giving you second thoughts. thats understandable. nothing makes sense right now, and things are very raw. this will pass - probably not over night. detaching/healing is not linear and there may be tremendous ups and downs. its difficult to see, but it is actually all a way of processing really brutal and surreal, even traumatic stuff.

hang in there fateful. youre in the right place, and youre on the right path, with examining yourself, and leaning on us for support. we are here for you every step of the way of this 

[blackbirdsong]

On Friday, I was left with an ultimatum: to delete my ex's friends/family from social media and/or let her know there is no hope.

Since my last encounter/contact with my ex about a month ago (the details of which you can read about in my introductory thread from yesterday: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292579.0), I went no contact. Nothing. No responding to anything she sent my way. Let me tell you: it was a lot. A lot of endearing, I love you so much language, and numerous emails and attempts at contacting me. It really hooked me in and had me watching. I knew, though, that any response I gave her would only hurt me. I couldn't trust her after what happened (to summarize, my last encounter with her was vile and filled with emotional and physical abuse). If I were to ever speak to her again, I would need much more time than a month. In any case, after the ultimatum, I ignored it for a while, but ended up blocking her from my social media later that day--not her friends or family. Social media is generally wrapped up in a lot of petty nonsense, and it did not bother me to be connected to her friends/family. She took my action as a response to her ultimatum and told me: "I see you went with the blocking route. Very mature. I didn't think you were capable of being so awful. Good luck." It seems like that's it for her. What's confusing is that I'm the one who left her in the first place, eventually got sucked into listening to her for a while, then went no contact. But I'm here feeling pretty empty that the mere act of my blocking her social media could set her off. I guess it's not worth it to read too far into; I just don't want to start the recovery process over again. I've worked so hard to refrain from speaking with her for over a month now -- but I'm somewhat going back to how I felt in the beginning and drawn to reaching out. Again, I know that if I do, especially at this point, I will be hurt pretty bad. I'm not sure if discarded is the right term for what's going on, but it's how I feel strangely. I'm sure she's luring in the prey she's kept waiting on the side now. Any time I think that it can't get much worse, something new has happened. When will it end? I feel as though this must be the final step for me to take in order to fully move forward--knowing that she is, at least for now, completely done the harassment, stalking, and incessant attempts at contact. It's strange to be drawn to that and want the pain, but I know it's tied to deeper issues I have.

How did you guys recover after being discarded? Did I do something mean-spirited or wrong by blocking her when I did? Is it likely that she will reach out again? Is there any chance of normalcy between us?

I am in similar position as you are. Actually, I have read your post several post because many things are almost identical (from our side, and from our exs' side)

I also left my dBPDex.

God knows it wasn't an easy decision. I had the same doubts as you, the same questions. Also, she said similar things as your ex, about staying with someone when it is hard.

This sentence also imprisoned me for some time, maybe even now.

But you know what, yes - you stay with someone when it is hard, but not in the case when you use emotional blackmails, rages, devaluations etc towards me. Staying with someone doesn't mean that you need to give up your self. So, this is just one of the emotional blackmail statements.

Also, calling me immature because of blocking her etc. The same story... .

Also, I agree with the rest of the people that you have discarded her. But I also understand why you feel discarded. That was my impression also. Because you have an injury that you need to heal. An injury that was inflicted and maintained through your whole relationship, so you feel that you were discarded many times even before your decision.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you for your replies, everyone.

The past few days have been a struggle, but some of this has been quite enlightening. You are correct -- when it came down to it, I am the one who ultimately ended the relationship. Although, a few weeks prior to that, she broke up with me over the living together argument stating "if I can't make a plan right now, then we should break up. Get back to me when you have an answer." Hung up. Immediately texted me "and in the meantime we are not together." When I confronted her about this, she didn't think it was for real and was just being "emotional."

But you doubt you are correct in saying she has BPD traits? Read what you wrote above this about how she behaved again...

In any case, what I've been struggling with is that this doesn't seem to be a common situation for most folks on this board -- in fact, I haven't read a story yet about someone leaving before being discarded.

Read my posts again. I walked away before he discarded me. That enraged him.

True I let myself get semi sucked in again by letting him kiss me and me admitting I was still in love but I wanted more out of the relationship this time around if there was to be one. To which he responded he could never be in a relationship (a rare moment of clarity) and that I didn't know what love was anyway. Of course that way he could think he broke up with me which was bull's excrement as we were not together then. We tried friendship after that but he kept trying to suck me back in by flirting but I did not respond as he wanted (I didn't take the bait) so he tried hurtful remarks after that and I did not respond to those as he wanted either (I didn't take the bait). He did ultimately get what he wanted (control) as I called in sick (we worked together); he called in his flying monkeys to pile on the pressure as he couldn't control me on his own. A full smear campaign was too much for me.

I think I caught a snippet of the behavior and stopped it before it cycled. When we tried to be "friends" and see where it goes and I reached out, she was cold and short with me. Then when I didn't respond to her immediately the next day, I was under fire. Does this sort of situation happen sometimes, where the non ends it before being discarded? I do have boundary issues, but it's confusing to me that I was the one to end the relationship with those issues. So, while I do have serious boundary issues, I suppose I am able to put my foot down at some point. Hopefully at a point when it wasn't too late and the damage is minimal.

Too late for what? Damage to what or whom?

I feel like I'm regressing back to earlier feelings after the last incident. I desperately want to reach out to her, but what would I say? I think this is where my co-dependent nature sort of kicks in. I am lonely, miss her companionship, and many of the things we used to do together. At this juncture, I believe that she has completely given up. I know that I'm the one who closed the door -- but I didn't WANT to do that, I felt like I HAD to because of the abuse. After I last saw her I was ten pounds underweight and felt physically ill. Why is it that I keep getting drawn back to her when I know and experienced so many hurtful things from her? Is this the co-dependency? Is there a way to break through co-dependency or is it a lifelong struggle of managing symptoms? That's quite scary to me.

You're a drug addict coming off drugs. You know the drugs ar going to kill you but you still crave them.

Yes, it's your codependency. It will take a lot of hard work with a good therapist but apparently (still working on it myself) it can be overcome.

While still difficult, I've come to feel as though this would all be much easier if I were able to regularly meet and interact with new people. I'm a shy person and have trouble socializing with strangers/new people and finding comfortable situations in which to do that.

What about hanging out with friends or family members that invite some other people you don't know yet? New people, still safe.

In response to some other questions: I watched the communication come in because it was the last link I had to her and it made me feel somewhat connected still. It was definitely a poor choice and an unhealthy one. I don't think I did something wrong by blocking her; I think that was me finally closing the door, which is tremendously difficult for me. I should have done it the day after the last incident. But now, with the door seeming to be closed on both ends, I am feeling a bit lost and scared. I have been exploring the core issues of why I got into this situation and have a pretty good understanding of that. I just haven't been able to fully and completely detach

You will not fully and completely detach for a long time to come.

and that is making this very difficult. Toward the end of one of her last emails, she mentioned that she was talking to a recruiter in a different city since I refused to talk to her. Is it often the case that these folks up and move when things don't go their way, particularly in a situation like mine? It would be difficult on some level to deal with if she left, but it would also be a big help in my recovery. I am still terrified of running into her in town and having issues with that.

Again, read my posts and you will see my ex always flees the scene. Except this time 

Another point I'm struggling with is that, being that my behavior/experience seems to be quite different from many of the cases I'm reading here, I wonder if I don't have this right. I've started to feel like the "crazy" one and the one who abandoned and broke love. I feel guilty--as if I could have and should have done more to fight for the relationship. For about a month, she tried to bring me back in with loving and committed words indicating that she is working on herself and her problems, seeing a T/psychiatrist, etc. "Why can't you just let me love you and be imperfect and work on myself? If you loved me, you would give me a second chance." I struggled to trust the words. Around a week ago when she last contacted me, her language turned around to be quite different, basically implying that she was the victim. "How can you be ok with what you are doing?" Telling me that I was worse than her abusive ex. Telling me that the things I did (bring her flowers, spend time with her, etc.) were "nice" but that it meant nothing -- real love is "standing by the other person's side in difficult times." Should I have ever responded, even if just to clearly state, again, that the relationship was over or that I wasn't able to talk at this juncture? I had tried ending it all (again) during our last encounter, but was met with serious resistance, threats, and emotional/physical abuse. I sit here wondering, if I gave her a second chance, would this have happened all over again? What if she actually doesn't have BPD or BPD traits and I am misreading this situation? I experienced a lot of push and pull from her throughout the end of the relationship and quite a bit of hurtful words/emotional abuse. She would always say that if you love someone, you stick it out. I fully believe in sticking it out with a partner and working at a relationship; that's a core principle of mine. But it started to come to the dangerous expense of my own health and well-being. Perhaps this was a turning point, though, and I just didn't recognize it or have it in me to roll the dice. So, I'm left wondering, should I have stuck it out?

If you doubt she has BPD traits read and re-read the lists of traits. But the sentence after your doubts you describe push/pull and abuse. Still in doubt?

Push/pull and abuse. So who exactly abandoned and broke love here? Or does abuse equal love for you?

Sticking it out. Very core value for those who empathize. The ones sought out by people with a PD. She spoke about working on herself. Did she show it? Did she go to therapy? Did she fight for the relationship? It takes two to tango.

What is the value of sticking it out if it is at the expense of your wellbeing? That's not sticking it out in hard times because you love each other that's an abuser and a martyr.

In trying to recover from all of this, the first step I took was to not contact or respond to her. I started taking yoga classes. Slowly getting back into photography and music. While all of this is somewhat helpful, it has been basically a mild distraction from the pain. I am trying to find my breakthrough moment and I'm not sure how I will find it. I feel like I have made a good amount of progress compared to where I was a month ago, and I don't want to regress and fall back into where I was. I want to move forward, not backward.

Healing is not a linear process. There will be times you feel you will be moving backwards. It comes with this process, it's natural.