My father had BPD and I'm dying inside

[Imtryingtobegood]

Hello my name is W L. My father has BPD and I'm 16 years old and I am terrified. I'm scared I'm going to turn out like him or M i'm scared I'm going to turn out like him or marry a man like him. I have living in my home and I have leaned toward drugs and alcohol to get me through my days. Just like this forum says, BPD parents either see their kids as all good or all bad. I am the all bad kid because I call him out when he's being psychotic. I don't let myself be gas lighted or manipulated anymore and it makes me extremely angry. He's never hit me, but he's extremely emotionally and verbally abusive in the most mentally tormenting ways. For my age I understand a lot of things that most people my age don't, but I'm at a crossroads. I've ran away from home twice only to come back because I have no where to go. I need to feel understood and cared about or I think I might just go crazy.

[Turkish]

Hello Imtryingtobegood,

I'm glad that you didn't end up on the streets for a long time. Sometimes such drastic measures can send inein a direction from which it's hard to turn. Maybe you feel like an "old soul" given what you've endured.

From when I was about 14, I felt like killng myself, yet I reasoned, "when I'm 18, I will be a legal adult, free to take my destiny into my hands." I graduated hs at 17, and that summer was my longest ever. I worked, and hung out with friends. It was also the last time she smacked me, My 18th birthday, I moved out, never to spend another night back. It was hard. I had to borrow money to eat some weeks in the winter when tips were low. I applied for Medi-Cal to pay for a sliced finger which needed stitches. The first 3-5 years were tough.

What helped was a couple of key people in my life making almost off-hand suggestions about a technical vocational program at a community college. It may be hard to ask, but sometimes a school counselor or a youth advocacy group can be the difference between failure and success. I liken life as having inertia: the choices we make early can send us in a direction harder to change as the years pass and we want to make different choices.

I hear you about fearing choosing someone like your father. It took me going through such a r/s to realize my mother was BPD (later, she admitted she was). That you are aware of this now is a huge milestone, and you should be proud that you are aware.

This all being said, our board guidelines disallow active participation with people under 18. There are resources out there where you can connect for support and help:

www.teenhelp.org

Your Life Your Voice

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx

1-800-448-3000

www.youthcrisisline.org/


Check these out. Also look through the lessons and suggested reading on the site. Changing how you interact may defuse your father's dysregulation to a degree. You have the power, and the wisdom to gain the knowledge, to change. Being emotionaly limited, he may be stuck where he is. A little may help a lot 

I wish you the best, Imtryingtobegood, and we'll probably still be here when you turn 18.

Take Care,

Turkish