Introduction

[tricia255]

Hi.

My husband, BP son and I have been nevigating the mental health system for 6 years now never feeling like we are accomplishing much of anything. I have long had an interest in psychology even before having children. I finally had the time to start working on getting a bachelor degree in Applied Psychology. During the abnormal psychology course, I was read the description and criteria for BPD. I couldn't believe how exactly it described our son. He had been diagnosed with Bipolar and ADHD and various others along the way. But borderline personality was never mentioned. I assume this was due to his being under 18 and their reluctance to use that diagnosis for someone so young. Shortly after reading this,  we were meeting with a new psychiatrist. She asks toward the end if anyone had ever mentioned BPD. I told her no they hadn't but that I had just been reading about it and thought it fit. My son asked what it was. After hearing the description,  he said, "Oh yeah that's me." Also. through that class I learned about DBT. I was able to find a local therapist who is certified in DBT. My son will be seeing him for the second time this week. Our son is now 17 years old, and I feel like the door will be closing soon on him allowing us to get him help. So, I pray that this is finally the right therapist. I hope to find out more here that can potentially put us where we need to be.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello tricia255,

Welcome to the Parenting board!  So glad to have you join us.

I am so pleased to hear that your family is working together to find a better way forward.  Having a therapist who is certified in DBT to help your son learn how to cope with his emotions/emotional thinking is so beneficial.  Does the T (therapist) also offer group DBT for teens?  Our adolescents are so greatly influenced by their peers.  Will you also have access to DBT skills for parents?  It is very beneficial for everyone in the family to speak the same therapeutic language and model the skills for each other.

Taking steps to care for self is highly important... .how are you coping with your son's illness and how it is affecting you and the family dynamic?  Are there other children in the home?  How are they doing?

I look forward to hearing back from you and lending support where I am able as will the other members here.  I have traveled this path with my daughter who is now 19 years old and there is light at the end of the tunnel.


lbjnltx

[tricia255]

Unfortunately, he does not do group therapy. The closest one that I have found is about an hour away. We will be keeping that as an option. He does family therapy to help us all be on the same page . I have also picked up Walking on Egg Shells and will continue to get more books. I have also worked through workbooks on DBT with him before being able to find someone. Right now we are coping better than we have in a couple of years. I did recently quit my job to stay at home because it was too hard to be there when a crisis would occur. So that has helped a lot. It has often put a tremendous strain on mine and my husband's relationship,  but we are finally on the same page. So we are in a much better place again. We have another son who is 21. He has his own place and the worst of it was while he was off to college. He worries a lot about his brother, but they are actually pretty close. Our BP son will on ocassion seek our other son's advice and just go hang out with him. As hard as it still is, I can see the improvements that have occured over the last year. But there are still those moments that we just struggle to breathe and continue forward. As parents, we are never perfect, but I feel like we have some much less room for error with a BP. It's as though you have be on top of your game all the time. Thank you for your responce. I found this site and thought it might be helpful. It's hard to talk about with other people and not feel like you are setting your BP for long term judgment no matter the strides they make. And nobody can really understand. We once had to call the cops to make our son come home and one of them said something about just being able to say no. The one on the seen basically said he should get his butt beat.

[lbjnltx]

Tricia, this is a safe place to talk about how you feel.  We are human and we need to be heard and understood. Even when those thoughts and the feelings that  result from them seem unnatural for a parent.  This illness can push us to places we never considered possible as a parent.

When the police officers said those things to you how did you feel?  Judged for your parenting skills?

They mean well... .they are trying to offer advice that they aren't qualified to offer.  The same is true for our extended family, friends, co workers and neighbors.  The best that they can offer is an ear to hear, a shoulder to lean on and compassion for you and your family.  All too often they want to "fix" what they don't understand.  It can feel very invalidating to us.  :'(

Ironically enough we too sometimes try to "fix" our kids when what we really need to do is be educated, non judgmental and validating.  We spend our time trying to take care of them and their needs while our needs go unmet or set aside... .we think "if my kid was ok  I would be ok".  We really need to be working on these simultaneously as we cannot give what we do not have.

When my daughter was in the throws of her illness (ODD, MDD, anxiety, psychotic depression, emerging BPD) I had to practice radical self care to keep it together emotionally and mentally for myself, for my daughter, for my family.  We lived in a very small community where gossip was the chosen form of daily entertainment.  I refused to hide, I refused to make excuses for the ill intent of others (some I called friend).  I was honest (without sharing diagnoses), I asked for support from my church, from my neighbors, from my family.  Most importantly I was prepared to give to them more than I asked for in return.  Very few stepped up and the ones that did were a blessing.  "Our secrets keep us sick" is a true statement.

This site is where I received the majority of my education and support, that is why it is here, to stand in that gap.  We will stand in the gap for you as well.

lbjnltx

[tricia255]

lbjnltx, I appreciate your response. That is precisely what I was hoping to find here. The police made us feel judged for sure, but it also made us angry because if my husband would have handled the situation physically like the officer suggested -other than the obvious of it being the wrong way to handle it- my husband could have been arrested for domestic violence. Tomorrow we will be going to meet with someone at the juvenile justice department to address some charges against my son, and I am already prepping myself for the judgment to come. Our son was pulled over for having his brights on and the officer could smell marijuana, so he searched the car and found  drug paraphernalia. So that is one charge. Another charge is from a night that our son was in a really bad place and was looking for something to heat up and burn himself with. My husband d was following him around to keep him from harming himself. This was really irritating my son and he eventually charge at my husband. They began wrestling around and I called the cops. They weren't going to arrest him if we could come to an agreement for the night because all they do is take them down to the station and charge them. Then make you come and pick them up. But my son literally told the cop to just arrest him because he didn't like what the cop had to say. The cop was a really nice guy and tried to work with us and even after he took him proceeded to talk with our son. Our son ended up really like the cop and appreciated the time he took talking to him. Some other charge that is on there is from the night before that where he had a fight with his girlfriend and punched and broke our kitchen cabinet which in turn woke us up. I went out to see what was going on and was trying to talk with him when my husband came out complaining telling our son that he should be in bed. This upset our son to the point that he decided to call the cops to come and get him to take him to foster care. He's been told before that this is not how that works. But anyway when they got here they were trying to find out what was going on. It was explained that he wanted to be taken to foster care and that he has bipolar disorder and is currently in a manic phase. He had been burning himself that night and had stabbed a whole in our wall while angry with my husband. They initially weren't going to take him, but because of the damage decided to even though we didn't want them to. Again, they go book him and we go pick him up. While my husband is there they decide that our son needs to go to the emergency room for evaluation. My husband is refusing because we know the drill. If he is a current threat to himself or others, they are not going to keep him. It would just be a waste of time and money. So, they threaten to call DCFS (department of children and family services). My husband relents and agrees. Apparently it was the cops that were taking him. My husband knows it is going to be a long night in the ER and is starving, so he tells them he is going to stop and get something to eat on the way. Well, I guess they took this to mean that he wasn't coming and called DCFS. So, we had to be investigated for child neglect which was found to be unfounded since he has been under care for six years. We were without insurance at that time since I had just switched jobs and my new insurance hadn't started and the cobra was way too expensive. It was cheaper just to cover the cost of doctors and such. But now we have a big bill from the ER and a psychiatrist for care we knew was a waste of time and money.

I do often think that if he were okay, I would be too. He has said to me when I try to get him to make better choice, that my choices don't seem to make me happy. Sometimes I am tempted to say that I am happy with everything accept where it concerns him. Of course, I don't because that sounds awful and, when he was well, he was the joy of my life. And my unhappiness comes my constant worry for his future. He is truly one of the best people I have ever known. I know he is meant for so much more.

I can't imagine living somewhere like you do and having people constantly judging us. I think it is a shame that some people can only be  "happy" at the expense of someone else's pain.

As far as secrets or hiding it, that's definitely not my style either. Mental illness runs in both sides of my family and on my dad's side drug and alcohol abuse as well. I myself have been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders. I am very open about my struggles be cause I do not feel they are anything to be ashamed of but for my son I try to keep things more private to respect his privacy. I did have some lady's that I worked with that were very supportive, and I felt I could speak with them because they did not know my son. That helped a lot over the last year and a half. They were a great group of women.

[tricia255]

Went to son's juvenile assessment. The probation officer was extremely nice. It was a relief not to feel blamed for his behavior.

[lbjnltx]

I'm glad to hear that the probation officer was open minded enough to realize not all kids behaviors are a reflection of parenting. 

What was the outcome of the visit regarding the charges against your son? 

lbj

[tricia255]

She has to forward her finding to the states attorney.  Then they will let her know what they decide. He was also referred to a substance abuse center for further assessment.