BPD ex contacted me today after her friend attempted suicide

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been a little over two weeks since my BPDex and I parted ways after a ten year relationship. While I was immediately replaced and she claimed to have never loved me during our time together, our separation was fairly amicable compared to many stories I've read here. I decided to remain NC to attempt to heal and build a new life for myself.

This morning I receive a text from her telling me that one of her friends attempted suicide last night. She's in the hospital currently but the doctors don't expect her to survive. I knew of her friend while we were together and they were new friends but bonded quickly because, like my ex, her friend also suffered from BPD. They are of the same age and have very similar personalities and pasts.

My ex is distraught by this and I comforted her as best I can. She seems to be speaking to me a lot today and I'm sure that will quieten down after she gets what she needs. While I cannot turn her away, I'm unsure of how I should handle our relationship going forward. She claims she wants to be there for me as well and that I'm her best friend yet has never asked me once how I've been doing after the breakup. Classic 'pretend nothing ever happened' behavior.

I do admit I enjoy texting her, but I'm feeling concerned and cautious and don't want to take any step backwards in my own recovery, especially with it still being so fresh. I don't have the heart to cut her out of my life completely because she's been my friend since childhood and there's so much history there, but I cannot allow myself to get too close.

She hasn't led me on or shown any desire to reconcile, so that's a good sign. Truth is, I'm just unsure of how to proceed from here.

[Rannan]

It's been a little over two weeks since my BPDex and I parted ways after a ten year relationship. While I was immediately replaced and she claimed to have never loved me during our time together, our separation was fairly amicable compared to many stories I've read here. I decided to remain NC to attempt to heal and build a new life for myself.

This morning I receive a text from her telling me that one of her friends attempted suicide last night. She's in the hospital currently but the doctors don't expect her to survive. I knew of her friend while we were together and they were new friends but bonded quickly because, like my ex, her friend also suffered from BPD. They are of the same age and have very similar personalities and pasts.

My ex is distraught by this and I comforted her as best I can. She seems to be speaking to me a lot today and I'm sure that will quieten down after she gets what she needs. While I cannot turn her away, I'm unsure of how I should handle our relationship going forward. She claims she wants to be there for me as well and that I'm her best friend yet has never asked me once how I've been doing after the breakup. Classic 'pretend nothing ever happened' behavior.

I do admit I enjoy texting her, but I'm feeling concerned and cautious and don't want to take any step backwards in my own recovery, especially with it still being so fresh. I don't have the heart to cut her out of my life completely because she's been my friend since childhood and there's so much history there, but I cannot allow myself to get too close.

She hasn't led me on or shown any desire to reconcile, so that's a good sign. Truth is, I'm just unsure of how to proceed from here.

[once removed]

hi Rannan 

Truth is, I'm just unsure of how to proceed from here.

i think the crux of how to proceed is managing expectations, and maintaining good boundaries. you dont have to make any drastic moves like cutting her out of your life.

but you do have reason to be cautious. its been a little over two weeks, things may be raw for you, and her behavior is on the self centered side. if you enjoy texting her and helping her, that suggests to me youre getting something out of it.

so looking ahead, if this does quiet down, how will that make you feel? if she brings up the relationship, how will you respond, or not? do you intend to bring it up?

[Rannan]

Thanks once removed, I agree that managing expectations is crucial for me. Intellectually, I feel I am doing well on this... .but emotionally I'm afraid of getting hopeful for a ghost of reconciliation, which is something I do not want for myself.

I've made it a rule where I will never initiate contact with her and will only respond if she reaches out to me. I'm trying my best to keep her at arms length to keep myself from being too attached. It is true that I am getting something out of this, and it wouldn't feel right for me to try to cut her out completely. I'm glad to see some validation that I don't need to remove her from my life to heal.

She spoke to me a lot yesterday, and it stirred up some mixed feelings in me. We joked as we usually did and I tried to keep things light, and actually got her to laugh even in these dark circumstances. She asked for us to be "Facebook buddies" and I politely declined and said I needed to look out for myself. She seemed disappointed but she said good for me for doing so. This felt good. All in all it's a balancing act for me and I don't really know how I feel. Bittersweet, I suppose? It's hard to identify at this moment.

Why she would want me to be friends on Facebook when I know she has my replacement splattered all over it is beyond me. I suppose it's just that BPD callousness at work again.

She started texting me again today because her friend did die in the hospital this morning, and now she's in a very rough spot emotionally. I'm trying to help her yet maintain my boundaries and remember everything that's happened between us. It's such a challenge.

[once removed]

Why she would want me to be friends on Facebook when I know she has my replacement splattered all over it is beyond me. I suppose it's just that BPD callousness at work again.

the entire exchange i think suggests shes not acknowledging (perhaps because she cant) your feelings. it sounds like you see the same thing. and if youre okay with that, thats fine. its just important to keep in mind if youre going to have contact, and to expect nothing more.

i think it was a good move declining to be facebook friends, because you were true to yourself and your boundaries, and protective of your recovery; good response, too. helpful that she didnt push.

as an outsider my only concerns would be that youre left with bittersweet feelings if the conversation dies down, or that she says something insensitive and hurtful to you that you find triggering.

apart from that, just dont give too much of yourself, or more than youre truly willing to give, in helping her. you need not be her sole source of support, and your feelings, as well as your boundaries, matter very much.

[iluminati]

I think you're handling this fine, Rannan.  You were together for 10 years, and you probably knew this friend.  Being a decent human and comforting her for her loss is The Right Thing To Do.  So long as you don't violate any boundaries, being a comforting presence is good for you both. 

[Rannan]

Thank you both for your reassuring words. I needed this because I'm at a point in my life where I find it very hard to trust myself when it comes to her and doing what's right and good for myself.

A small update: I did stumble a bit yesterday when she was texting me. She actually asked me how I was doing and what was going on in my life. My inner voice told myself to keep my private life private from her because I know her and how she would most likely use me telling her things going on in my life as a sloppy segue into all the amazing things going on in HER life that I don't need to know. I cracked and I told her some things, and my intuition didn't fail me because she didn't miss a beat and told me lots of hurtful things about her life that only made me feel a deep resonating pain inside. I did quickly recover and told her immediately that if we're going to have any contact, we have to keep our private lives private, and no matter how I may seem to her, I am still healing and need to heal. She said OK after I reinstated my boundaries, but the damage is done. I now know she's moving in with my replacement, and is moving on without skipping a beat.

I know that they won't last long, because she was trying to be sly and complain about my replacement already to me without explicitly naming names.   I know they are on a timer and I know that it's not like they have some kind of deep connection that her and I lacked. I know all these things but it still doesn't mute the pain I feel.

She's been contacting me every day since the incident so far and now I'm trying to put more distance between us. I'm going to just try to be the funny, laid back guy I usually am with her without ever going too personal. I feel like I have learned that I can fully trust my own intuition with her and to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Does anyone here have any casual relationships with their exBPDs that are reasonably civil and enjoyable? Honestly, I just don't want to lose the fact that she has my same warped sense of humor that I can just goof off with if I need to. Also, she's a great co-op partner for games and I'd hate to lose that connection.   Can I really detach from her and have occasional contact with her? I want to heal, but I don't want to burn bridges either.

I am still making sure never to chase her, and let her come to me if she wishes contact. I feel this is best and if she drifts away from me, then that means I just move on with my life without her in it. I think this is the only way I can keep my own expectations low and keep myself from being inevitably disappointed and hurt.

[iluminati]

I won't say I have a great relationship with my  BPD ex.  I will say that we are civil.  I have to deal with her because I have primary custody of my child.  While I have some clear disagreements with how she deals with things, we don't argue much.  I think it's because I make clear what is and isn't acceptable.  Your mileage may vary.