My mother modeled splitting for me from the beginning

[Depression = 72% of members]

The most recent post got me thinking abut when it was my mother first started splitting. I think the first people she split were her family of origin. She left home at 17 and is very proud of it. She hooked up with my dad who left home at 18 and is very proud of it. Then they produced me who left home at 18 half by choice, half not by choice. My dad shoved me out of the nest at 18 with a GED because he thought it was the right thing to do. I however had undiagnosed learning disability and undiagnosed mental illness. The learning disability showed up in middle school the mental illness showed up in high school but they neglected me so they didn't care. My visually impaired brother got to stay at home well into his 20s, in fact he took over the upstairs and claimed my room as his second room.

So, to the splitting. My mom claimed her mother abused her and was strict in the religious sense and she claimed her dad was a loser who ran off with another woman.

My dad split his mother too and now we are involved in a probate case because of him. However my attorney said my grandmother was a mean mother so it is no wonder he has a personality disorder. I believe his mother was a borderline queen.

When I was in therapy I had to deal with the fact I split too, it was very hard for me to deal with the fact that people had a good and bad side and it was especially hard for me to give men a chance after my husband.

[unicorn2014]

The most recent post got me thinking abut when it was my mother first started splitting. I think the first people she split were her family of origin. She left home at 17 and is very proud of it. She hooked up with my dad who left home at 18 and is very proud of it. Then they produced me who left home at 18 half by choice, half not by choice. My dad shoved me out of the nest at 18 with a GED because he thought it was the right thing to do. I however had undiagnosed learning disability and undiagnosed mental illness. The learning disability showed up in middle school the mental illness showed up in high school but they neglected me so they didn't care. My visually impaired brother got to stay at home well into his 20s, in fact he took over the upstairs and claimed my room as his second room.

So, to the splitting. My mom claimed her mother abused her and was strict in the religious sense and she claimed her dad was a loser who ran off with another woman.

My dad split his mother too and now we are involved in a probate case because of him. However my attorney said my grandmother was a mean mother so it is no wonder he has a personality disorder. I believe his mother was a borderline queen.

When I was in therapy I had to deal with the fact I split too, it was very hard for me to deal with the fact that people had a good and bad side and it was especially hard for me to give men a chance after my husband.

[Turkish]

Splitting involves seeing people as all good or all bad, and the switching back and forth is confusing to adults, but can be damaging to children, who at first develop seeing the world in black and white. What I hear s that you were modeled splitting as normal. You know what you know, and don't know what you don't know.

Differentiating ourselves as children of borderline parents can be very hard. I hear that logically you are aware of this. Putting it into practice is the hard walk. I learned my waifish traits from my mother (flee, rather than dealing with things head on).

Is your struggle primarily of breaking free of viewing others not how your parents did?

[unicorn2014]

Splitting involves seeing people as all good or all bad, and the switching back and forth is confusing to adults, but can be damaging to children, who at first develop seeing the world in black and white. What I hear s that you were modeled splitting as normal. You know what you know, and don't know what you don't know.

Differentiating ourselves as children of borderline parents can be very hard. I hear that logically you are aware of this. Putting it into practice is the hard walk. I learned my waifish traits from my mother (flee, rather than dealing with things head on).

Is your struggle primarily of breaking free of viewing others not how your parents did?

I'm involved in a probate case concerning my grandmother's will and its causing me to dig deep into family history. Its also forcing me to interact with my dad way more then normal. For example now I'm trying to figure out where I heard my grandmother drank like a fish. My dad denies saying it, and denies hearing anyone saying it, however I did ask him if mom said it and I'm waiting to hear back from him. My mom accused my dad of being an alcoholic. My dad claims he and his mother just drank or used socially. Its very confusing to me.

I first struggled with black and white thinking in therapy when I was a teenager.

Sometimes people do bad things and saying as much is not splitting someone  black.

I guess what I've learned is to not trust my own perceptions, which is crazy making.

My first husband gas lighted, I caught him in the act.

Now I see my daughter trying to do the same thing.

Its all very confusing to me because it requires me to rely on my own senses which I was taught were not accurate.

[HappyChappy]

Its all very confusing to me because it requires me to rely on my own senses which I was taught were not accurate.

Hi Unicorn2014

Not surprised you feel at sea with trusting your senses with all that gas lighting and the rest. My BPD would regularly tell us our Dad was an alcoholic, but he drank no more than a bottle of wine a week, so clearly not. The splitting you also point out, also requires someone to be pillared by false accusations.

I think you highlight an issue that many of us struggle with. But going through this process of re-evaluation of those memories, is in a way CBT, and often the recommended approach to growing confidence in your emotions. We can compare what our BPD told us with logic and tangible facts, re-address these memories and pop them back, after practice they become automatic and hence what we call feelings. Hence our feelings have been changed. It can be a slow process, but have you noticed it helping in any way ?

[unicorn2014]

Its all very confusing to me because it requires me to rely on my own senses which I was taught were not accurate.

Hi Unicorn2014

Not surprised you feel at sea with trusting your senses with all that gas lighting and the rest. My BPD would regularly tell us our Dad was an alcoholic, but he drank no more than a bottle of wine a week, so clearly not. The splitting you also point out, also requires someone to be pillared by false accusations.

I think you highlight an issue that many of us struggle with. But going through this process of re-evaluation of those memories, is in a way CBT, and often the recommended approach to growing confidence in your emotions. We can compare what our BPD told us with logic and tangible facts, re-address these memories and pop them back, after practice they become automatic and hence what we call feelings. Hence our feelings have been changed. It can be a slow process, but have you noticed it helping in any way ?

I've had 8.25 years of CBT, following my divorce.

It is getting worse, if you read my current post. Now my dad is denying my mom said my grandmother drank like a fish. Its gotten so bad its woken me up at midnight.

I have surviving the borderline parent.

I honestly do not know what to do, I think all I can do is feel my feelings which are a mixture of anxiety and sadness. The other thing I can do is accept reality.

I need to pray, and I'm exhausted. I have a very structured prayer life available to me and I'm the most worn out I've been in my entire life. I'm meeting with my priest later this week to deal with this spiritual crisis. It will not go away.

I'm probably going to call my nurse as well as the new drug she gave me for insomnia  may not work. It woke me up after one sleep cycle of vivid dreams. My child self wants to stop remembering what happened to me as an adolescent and in the early years of my divorce but my adult self apparently does not.

The drug that I usually take to sleep has a long half life and its been almost impossible for me to get 8-9 hours of sleep per night. The only night I sleep well is Friday nights. I know this because I use a sleep log on my phone that tracks my movements during the night.

+++++++++

I forgot to include that my ex also gaslights and my daughter triangulates with him in attempt to manipulate me. The situation has gotten really bad with her substance abuse and I told her that if she tries to use her dad against me again I will file a restraining order against him. He is also a substance abuser so she activates  him when she wants to challenge my limits. Things are quiet for now after a crisis this weekend. My mother split my ex white. He also uses that as way to portray himself as a victim.

I'm caught in a very powerful complicated drama hexagon and I'm trying to move to the middle.

[HappyChappy]

I'm caught in a very powerful complicated drama hexagon and I'm trying to move to the middle.

Does sound like you’re surrounded by triggers and game playing. Your ex your daughter your mother. Can’t be a good environment to mend within.

You mention moving to the middle of the hexagonal drama you’re caught within. To the eye of the storm ? Have you considered maybe going low contact with one or more of the players, until you heal ? You talk about what all the other players need, but what do you need ?

[unicorn2014]

I'm caught in a very powerful complicated drama hexagon and I'm trying to move to the middle.

Does sound like you’re surrounded by triggers and game playing. Your ex your daughter your mother. Can’t be a good environment to mend within.

You mention moving to the middle of the hexagonal drama you’re caught within. To the eye of the storm ? Have you considered maybe going low contact with one or more of the players, until you heal ? You talk about what all the other players need, but what do you need ?

I can't right now because my daughter is in a substance abuse crisis but I don't have to involve my mom.

I'm on the fence about involving my ex. I tried to talk to my ex about a guy my daughter is pursuing and he tried to portray our daughter as the innocent one. I don't think its going to work to talk to him.

I'm in a bit of a state of shock right now to be honest.