Need help for me & my son - accepting its over 4th break-up in 14 mo.

[sv1007]

I am so grateful this forum exists.  I feel so alone right now.  To keep it brief my ex-boyfriend has the typical BPD traits.  He's 51 and Im 48.  He is the most loving man in the world to me and my 8 year old son, until he's not.  Verbal and emotional abuse, crazy accusations, etc.  During our relationship he has always been over the top wonderful to my son and that is one of the main reason I have gone back to him after he has done something I thought was unforgivable.  Fortunately my son has never witnessed any of his craziness or our fights.  We dont live together so that has made it easier.   He suspected I was messaging another man on Facebook because I didnt answer the phone.  I was on the toilet!  Of course i wasn't messaging another man and I have been completely loyal.  He acted like he was over it an believed me but then the next day I started noticing this passive aggressive behavior towards my son.  My son didnt realize anything but then that night before we went to bed he starts telling me my son is annoying and a brat etc!  My son did nothing to warrant this name calling.  I told him he was upsetting me and asked him to stop and suggested that he apologize but of course he wouldnt.  This is not the first time he has called my son names behind his back.  He doesnt do it often but now I realize he does this when he feels threatened and is trying to get back at me for whatever he "thinks" ive done.  He has a big fear that I will cheat on him and is very jealous.   I have been reading books and learning more about BPD and it hit me that if/when we did move in together it probably wouldnt be long before his verbal and emotional abuse would be aimed directly at my son.  I left the next morning and havent spoken to him since.  It will be 2 weeks this Sunday.   Emotionally I have been fine up until last night.  Now all of my emotions are hitting and this is the time when I find it hard not to contact him.  I am always the one who has to reach out first and apologize even when Ive done nothing wrong.  In his eyes I left the next day without saying good bye so Im sure he thinks Ive wronged him.  Anyway I met him when I just finished treatment for breast cancer and at 47 years old I thought I finally met the man I was going to marry.  Of course he had me picking out my ring and planning the wedding 2 months into the relationship but 14 months later and he never proposed. Im hoping for some advice on how to deal with the pain but most importantly how to help my son through the break-up.  This man told him he was going to be his father and we were going to move in together and get a house.  He has 3 sons of his own and he told my son that they were going to get bunk beds and be brothers.  I believed all of this too.  I adopted my son on my own from Guatemala so he doesnt have a dad and he really wanted this "wonderful & loving" man to be his dad.  Im really hurting for myself but especially for my son.     

[Turkish]

Hello sv1007,

It's hard to balance a relationship in most circumstances, harder yet with a person who exhibits BPD traits. As a mother, you stood up for your son, and that was the right thing to do. We do have tools which can help us balance conversations better, but what's  important is where you are now. 

What do you want from him, closure? Do you have hope of renegaging with him to have any sort of relationship, or are you done?

It may be hard to seperate your anger about what he said about your son from your feelings about the adult r/s.

Turkish

[sv1007]

HI Turkish, I appreciate your response.

At this point the only thing I want from him is the thing I will never have, which would be for him not to have BPD.  I dont think closure is possible.  Its finally clear after breaking up and making up so many times that yes we can go back to the idolization phase again but that will be short lived.  After our last break up, we got back together on Valentines Day, I really thought I could change my reactions to his behavior and diffuse alot of the arguments and it was working for awhile.  He mentioned on a few occasions that I knew exactly what to do to calm him etc.  But I realize I cant do anything about his severe trust issues and lack of respect for me. And how he took things out on my son as a way to get back at me.  There were a few other incidences that night where he was being spiteful towards my son but only I would notice it. 

Im completely done but my heart is aching.  Im lonely and I miss who I believed he was, my soulmate, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  I thought all of the love and adoration was real.  All of the attention, all of the affection.  He was my best friend, we had so many deep conversations, we were really so close and then he turned on me and I feel like he went back and forth between loving me and hating me. 

He showered my son with hugs and snuggles and tickles and laughs and my son is missing all of the attention and affection too but I see now that it is not worth the risk of him potentially hurting my son in the future and I have to get out now while I am strong enough.  I was feeling desperate the last time we broke up and I definitely was not ready to move on.   

Ive come to realize that my father is a narcissist and he has said some really mean things to me.  Things that ruined my self esteem growing up and I spent years rebuilding.  Then I finally feel good about myself & I meet this man and start to feel my self esteem eroding again.  Ive been fighting it telling myself I am in control but these people have the ability to make you believe you are a horrible person!    I know its not healthy.

Anyway when the lightbulb went off in my head that there could be the potential that my son would grow up in that environment if I continue this relationship it really scared me.  Even if I want to reengage with this man I will not because I dont want to hurt my son any more than he already is.  I dont want him to go through the back and forth. 

Ive cried on and off for the past 6 hours at least.  My son asked if he could call him to let him know that even though we are fighting he still loves him.  Broke my heart!  Even though Im doing this it is very hard for me and Im sure it is for alot of others.   I have friends that I can talk to but they know nothing about BPD so they dont understand the dynamics.     

[Turkish]

I'm.so sorry for both you and you son (how old is he?)...

I am a single parent adoptee, and I can perhaps relate to your son's desire for a father, as I did. Take a look at some of the lessons on the Co-Parenting Board later. There is some good material there about valdating our kids' feelings.

Not to throw too much at you, but if you want to post about your Family of Origin (FOO) on the Coping and Healing Board, it's a safe place. My mother s BPD. This is sometning I picked up mentoring at-risk youth ten years ago, you don't know what you don't know. Despite the fresh pain of a break up, it's hopeful that you can relate your past to your present. Take the time later to explore that.

As for talking to your son... .that sounds so tough. Age-appropriate responses are best. If he is out of your life forever, giving you son hope could prolong the pain. You've studied BPD. Validation works on anybody. Validate your son's feelings. Asking questions (and just listening) rather than assuming how he feels can be a start.

[sv1007]

Turkish,  Again thank you for the advice.  My son is 8 years old.  I will definitely take a look at the co-parenting board.  I will also take a look at the coping and healing board and post there.  My mother had schizophrenia so I grew up dealing with that as well.  Is it any surprise i wound up being co-dependent?  This is a new realization I have come to while trying to understand my relationship with my exBPDbf.  I certainly learned alot but the emotional price has been quite painful.  Its so hard to know what children are thinking or need.  If my son isnt bringing my ex up do I keep quite or am I supposed to check in to make sure he is ok and not hiding his emotions?  Im hoping the coparenting board will help.  I see there is alot of information here for me to go through.