Seeking advice

[lightindarkness]

Hi Everyone! First time posting to the group and looking for some advice. I've suspected for a long time now that my husband has BPD as everything I've researched keeps leading me back to it. He's battled with these feeling since childhood. Explosive anger and volatility, fear of abandonment and rejection, depression, suicidal thoughts, can't shut his mind off, seems to remember the most minute details about everything and more. He recently had a mental breakdown and left myself and our daughter as we were going through an extremely stressful time in our lives with a move, starting a business and my health rapidly declined (I have chronic illnesses).  I have always tried to support him unconditionally with love and understanding, listen to his feelings and thoughts, try to calm him down when his world is spiraling out of control, but I'm at a loss right now as this is the worst he's ever been. I've always tried to encourage him to get professional help, but due to counseling and the meds he was given in his childhood, he's been vehemently against it and says he can handle it himself. So, he self medicates with pot and by trying to control the environment and people around him, which is understandably exhausting and almost futile. It's heartbreaking to see someone you love so broken and not know what to do. He blames everyone else for any problem in his life and can't seem to takes responsibility for his actions, as admitting fault or responsibility of any sort almost seems like admitting he himself as a person is completely wrong if that makes sense? So he will choose which examples to use that only suit the point he is trying to make so that there is no risk of any self blame or responsibility, however irrational it may be, and those become his "truth". There have been so many horrible, awful things that he has said to me, but I can't give up on him. I try to understand and I don't know if it's just a coping mechanism to feel safe, but I worry about him terribly as he's never been this bad before. I know he could be living a better quality of life if he just got some help, but he doesn't think it's possible. I wish he could see himself as I do. Perfectly imperfect, but loved beyond measure. I love him for the kind, sweet, caring and loving man he is and can be. I acknowledge the difference between loving the person and that the person is not their illness, even though it can be a part of them. I think sometimes my idea of support versus what he needs or wants from me as support might be two different things, but I honestly don't know what else to do. I'll continue to love him unconditionally without judgment, limits or boundaries, but he's so lost right now and I fear for his well being and our family. If anyone has any advice, I would so greatly appreciate it because I am just so overwhelmed I do not what to do anymore... .

Sorry for the long post! Brevity is not my strong suit

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[waverider]

 

It is heartbreaking to watch someone self sabotage and self destruct.

Remembering minute details like photo albums and quotes but being unable to keep them in context is quite normal. The recollections are then like a believable cut and paste job to validate whatever emotion he is going through at the moment. Which just compounds and escalates the current drama.

The other issue you raise is a fear of loosing control, to him that is his lifeline to sanity. The black and white side of his thinking probably categorizes everything as either all right or all wrong, hence this makes it hard to accept some responsibilities as that would mean being wrong for everything. Feeling like you are wrong for everything and not being able to make it all right, creates a deep sense of hopelessness and depression.

BPD is very hard to treat, often suffers have had much well meaning but slightly off the target councilling which leads to a nothing will work mentality. Again the black and white thinking.

Usually the first step toward provide effective support is to not try to fix them but rather focus on getting ourselves into a more secure state of mind. As we are the benchmark of stability they need. There is  alot of information on this site to help you on your way.

[an0ught]

Hi lightindarkness,

I'll continue to love him unconditionally without judgment, limits or boundaries, but he's so lost right now and I fear for his well being and our family. If anyone has any advice, I would so greatly appreciate it because I am just so overwhelmed I do not what to do anymore... .

It will take a while to wrap your head around BPD and what it means for you and the relationship. BPD means the pwBPD reacts differently than most people would and for that reason our instincts on how to deal with the person can make the situation worse. The LESSONS describe a structured process to acquire the necessary understanding and skills that stabilize the situation and protect yourself from exhaustion. The key skills are validation (helping with communication and emotional regulation) and boundaries (dealing with excess). Understanding them is important but it is the doing that is critical. These are skills that need practice and often guidance from others - and the board can be an excellent resource for that. Posting concrete questions or situations you struggle with is most effective.

Sorry for the long post! Brevity is not my strong suit

Don't worry, there have been much longer ones. Shorter posts tend to get more responses. Often the first posts are stream of consciousness and I suspect there is so much pressure that it just needs to get out. I think if there is time and more important energy it also can be beneficial to reflect and restructure. When doing that we reflect and process and a lot of benefit for us can be derived that way. When writing genuinely about yourself you can't go wrong so  and

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a0