Yes I do agree that her accusations are serious and in a way it did frighten me. She has brought this up with so many other men in the past and it was just a few weeks after she claims this happend we were engaged to be married.
The reason I referred to being board was I have asked about this subject several times but I still didn't understand what or why she would use this same threat with me. Doesn't she realise she's crying wolf just like her cries for suicide? Eventually no one will listen when something bad does happen.
I thought people her in these forums are getting tired of my asking questions so I referred to being borded.
There's so much I'm trying to understand and yet I cannot.
I laugh because I can't believe pwBPD and then I feel so ashamed I didn't listen to people who told me she was mentally ill, why? Why did I continue to put myself in constant danger?
I guess it boils down to I cannot get myself to believe she fooled me or I fooled myself like this. And mental health officials, police, social services and her family all know because I've told them about her behaviours yet they do absolutely nothing.
If you have evidence that she has accused other men of this it will help you immensely. If you don't have evidence it at least gives you some insight into her pathology.
To try to 'get a handle on things' ... you need to let go of the idea that she thinks about things like you do. Or, for that matter, like most people that sit within the bell curve of what is viewed as 'normal'.
Quite simply ... she uses this method because it works. She gets sympathy, she gets to shift blame for wrong doing and she gets people to fight for her on her behalf. So, she gets to absolve herself of responsibility, accountability and avoids criticism. Until this method stops working she'll keep using it because there is no reason to change.
Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who's perspective you're looking from, there'll always be people she will target that will look sympathetically from her stand point. Until they finally see behind the mask ... which takes time.
There's a lot of 'talk' about people with these traits and how they 'choose' a particular type. That type, pop-psychology would have us all believe, are people with strong empathic, co-dependent and even narcissistic traits. Which makes it sound like anyone who becomes involved with them is fundamentally and deeply flawed too. But this simply isn't the case. Evidence shows that anyone can become drawn to and become involved with them. They adapt themselves (short term) to be what the other is looking for in order to attract and form an attachment. Their hope is that this 'new relationship' will be the answer to all their woes. And, initially, it is. But, because the relationship is founded on a falsity ... it has no real foundation upon which to grow into a deeper, more emotionally fulfilling connection. So, it fails.
In the beginning, because she showed herself to be what you were looking for, you no doubt poured a huge amount of your time and energy making her feel adored, admired, loved and attended to. It was this that she wanted and whilst you maintained that she idealised you from her point of view. As the relationship progressed and you noticed and voiced some concerns, she took this as criticism and began to devalue you. Because, like a faulty appliance you stopped delivering attention, adoration, admiration and love (in her eyes) and she 'needed' to get it from somewhere/someone else (a new shiny appliance). Now, she's not only getting that positive attention from the new boyfriend but she's also getting negative attention from you and is feeling powerful that she can still affect you. She's living in your head but not paying any rent and getting a huge amount of attention from everyone.
It was the way you made her feel that made her feel good about herself. That's her need (with anyone). Unfortunately, you were not able to keep up this unsustainable level of attention because that's not really how healthy relationships work, endure and deepen.
So, I would steer yourself away from feelings of shame for not listening to warnings from other people or that you overlooked some red flags.
Why you 'put yourself in constant danger' will have to be worked out by you ... and accepting that a lot of us here ask ourselves the same questions surrounding being 'fooled' or 'duped'... it's a natural consequence to self reflect and you can take responsibility for your part. But please don't shoulder any responsibility for her actions ... that's her bag.
If I may also say Jerry ... officials, because they don't fully appreciate the truth without evidence will treat your attempts to question her character as a reflection of your negative feelings about being discarded in the awful way that you have been. Which is why they are often reticent about 'doing anything' on your say so.
You might have to come to terms with trying to be patient and doing the right thing for you and your child without publically attacking her. As the story about the 'boy who cried wolf' goes ... the truth will come out in the end ... so why not just let the story unfold by itself. If you can commit to yourself that adopting LC is going to make you stronger, less confused by interactions with her ... then you'll be doing yourself a huge service.
Caley.
