Hi Phewrite. I believe that my SIL is BPD. I know how difficult it is to deal with someone who is unreasonable.
You say that things got bad after the baby was born. Were there no signs of any problems before?
You also write:
There are so many rules and when I did push back I was threatened . . .
What does that mean when you say you pushed back? What kind of rules, and in what way did you push back? My SIL also has a lot of rules and a crazy amount of expectations that she demands from others. When she's in a bad mood, we can do nothing right. And it becomes complicated trying to defend ourselves because then she goes into full on irrational. I know there is more of a strain between her and my mother, too. My mom makes things worse, I think, because she has very weak boundaries (her own boundaries) and she's too over-eager to do things for SIL.
I have to admit, if my SIL told us to stay away, we would probably consider it a blessing. But I know it's different when you're the mom, and your relationship with your son and grandson are at stake.
You're probably already familiar, but there are a lot of good books about personality disorders. It might be really helpful to talk to a therapist who has experience with personality disorders, too. Because really at this point, you can't change the path that your son is on. And you can't change your DIL. All you can do is work on how you deal with this challenge in your life and figure out how you can grow from it.
