Silent Treatment - way back?

[lemonandlime]

Hi everyone – hoping you can help…

My boyfriend hasn’t been diagnosed with BPD (as far as I know) but he did have a breakdown last year and is on antidepressants. But recently I’ve started to think he might have it (and can give details if it would be helpful) and with this in mind I now I think I have made a mess of the whole situation... .

We have been/were going out 6 months, but for the last 3 months he has been in Australia (I’m in the UK), on a year away. Things were fine for a while – he texted a lot – mostly about what he was doing, rarely interested in what I was doing… He really seemed to distance himself from everything in the UK. He was obsessed with his cat before he went, but when he was emailed about problems he was unable to deal with them.

Then in the second week of April he didn’t call when he was supposed to. Up until that point he was facetiming every few days. I asked if he was ok and he said he was unsettled about his cat (the light of his life) that there were problems with back home. Then his contact got less and less, he was always too busy to call (bad wifi etc etc). We didn’t call for a month, but previously had facetime a couple of times a week. On the third week we didn’t event send texts. Mid way through this week of no contact he managed to post a photo of him and a female colleague enjoying watching a band (I fluctuated between thinking he was seeing her and thinking he was trying to get at me). I stopped contacting him too – I felt insecure and had some pride. I thought I was being sent a clear message. Eventually I made him contact me and he told me the problem was that he was thinking of staying in Australia. I took a deep breath and said, ok lets carry on as normal until you know what you’re doing. But for the next week he was still distant with me and only emailed me problems with the cat.

Eventually I snapped. I sent a really long email telling him I loved him and if he wanted it to work between us it could. But I also told him he had been cruel to me, that I was hurting and I felt like he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I said I was cutting things off (language I wish I hadn’t used) not because I hated him but because I cared too much. It was a real soul baring email that now I suspect him of BPD I regret sending.

Anyway I got no reply. A few days later he posted a photo to facebook of a girl at the zoo. I texted and asked if they were together and he said “no I’m not. I’m at the zoo with a group” but I just have a feeling that the photo was a response to my email. Anyway since then I’ve sent a text that says “Ever regret sending an email – fancy a chat? Would be good to talk. X” He opened it and didn’t respond and then a few days later I sent a message that explained I was confused about what was going on and just needed to know if he needed space – but he won’t open that message.

Essentially I don’t know what to do now. If I’ve sent an email saying I’m cutting things to someone with abandonment issues that is the worst thing I could have done. But I’ve done it now. I’ve tried to reach out but he obviously doesn’t want to engage. Should I keep trying, or just let him be?

I know this isn’t a dating site, and it is possible he doesn’t have BPD and is just a bit of a…... But I just have a niggling feeling it is more complicated than that.

Basically assuming he does have BPD, should I keep trying to contact him or just cut it off totally and hope he calms down? It's so difficult because its long distance.

Thanks for your help... .

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[livednlearned]

Hi lemonandlime,

Welcome and hello 

(Sorry I didn't see this until now). I'm glad you found the site and sorry for what brings you here. It could be that he has BPD, although even if he doesn't, and has what some here describe as "BPD traits," it can still mean a pretty difficult relationship. He had a breakdown and is taking antidepressants, and it sounds like he struggles to communicate well, and is self-absorbed, often a sign of someone who does not feel very validated in life.

Long distance relationships are tough even without mental illness involved, and it sounds like the relationship was getting strained even before the letter you sent. People with BPD can tend to have issues with object constancy, so just your absence (even if you lived in the same country) could be a challenge.

Is there a way to know if he is dating someone else, other than him telling you? Are you ok with it if he is seeing someone as a way to cope with the emptiness he may feel (especially if he is BPD)? It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, which means recognizing why he behaves the way he does and not taking it personally. That's not easy.

If you do reach out to him, and he's BPD, he may not respond right away, especially if he is with someone else. Is that ok for you?

And if you decide to keep lines of communication open, it may be best to keep the conversation light and not keep apologizing or feeling guilty about the letter. It's done, you apologized. Now is the time to return to the kind of relationship you two had when things were difficult. If he wants to dive into the problems in the relationship, you will know when he's ready 

What was the nature of his breakdown?

LnL