re-introducing myself

[grandmag]

Hello to all! I haven't been here for some time. My sister rather abruptly died 2 days before Thanksgiving, and I needed some time "with" her for a while... .I really want to though encourage new and not-so-new folks to this site, to keep coming--there is nothing like this place and these folks for those of us living with a family's illness,without wallowing in their problems! I chose to find a counselor to help me with the stresses of my dil being in my life, and I can finally say I AM learning. At one time the stress was so obviously affecting my physical health, now only once in a while. Trouble was, it was also living rent-free in my head a lot. Not so much now. It used to take me days to recover from her "behaviours"--another way it was eating me up. Now, I know what I can live with and what I must NOT... .and I just don't allow her to take me there, even if I have to hang up my phone after giving one warning that says I will hang up if her yelling doesn't stop, and that she can call me later when she is calm. Oh my, I didn't know I had that in me. And it isn't even about "punishing" her---more like saying where I draw my own line for me. There is more, but I don't like to read really long posts myself. This place, and all of you, are so special, even if you don't feel it. Btw, after reading my post here, I need to say, don't get the idea that I am perfect. Definitely not! But better... .:-(

[Kwamina]

Hi grandmag

Welcome back, it's a been a long time indeed. I am very sorry though that your sister has passed away, losing a close family-member almost never is easy. My condolences and I hope you were able to spend some quality time with your sister before her passing

Now concerning your DIL, it can be quite difficult navigating a relationship with a disordered in-law. Based on your post it becomes clear that you've come a long way and have learned new skills to better cope with this situation Boundaries are indeed very important as they help protect and preserve our own well-being on all levels, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.

How is your relationship with your son? Do you feel he acknowledges that there is something wrong with his wife's behavior?

How are your grandkids doing now? When you first got here you said your DIL abused and neglected them. How does she treat them now?

[grandmag]

hi kwamina--thank you for replying to my post!

My sister lived more than 600 miles away, but the short time she was in hospice I was able to talk to her (when she had a lucid day) and tell her that I loved her. Grieving is a process, too.

As far as me and my dil goes... .it has taken a while to teach an old lady new tricks. I am not enjoying it, but at least I don't feel like I am being strangled all the time. In my own words: 1) set your own boundaries, then repeat repeat repeat. Do not expect your boundaries to be respected... but repetition is key. 2)do not expect the BPD person in your life to change---they may change how they do things, but do not expect them to stop doing them.3) try very hard to distinguish those issues you may be able to help improve, and those you cannot. I like the serenity prayer. 4)keep taking care of you... .never allowing the issues to become more important than taking care of you 5) when you find the BPD and the issues living rent free in your head... .evict them :-)  There is no magic to this, but the more I keep myself to them, the less stressed-out I am, even showing up in lower(normal) tested blood sugar levels.

My son and I are good... .I can see his unhappiness but I can't tell him what to do. He will state different things she does that he doesn't like... .but no he has never said something is "wrong" with her behaviour. And he has to be the one to want to talk about it, I cannot open him like a can of tuna.

My grandchildren have some great traits, and they also have behaviours typical of kids who are/have been abused.

I still have them over for sleepovers, and we have good times... .and they are safe and cared for. The older they get, the more they talk about things. They even say they know they can trust me, to be able to talk about things. That is hard for me to hear about, obviously, and harder still to keep their trust. New and different ways for them to be parented crop up all the time... .and I have been told that I am one stable thing in their lives.

When all is said and done... .I have so many wishes... .

grandmag

[Kwamina]

I like the serenity prayer too

Great to hear that you still have contact with your grandkids and have such a good relationship with them. When children have a disordered parent, it can really help when they have other adults in their life who love and care for them.

I also can relate to your statement about having so many wishes. We have an article here about radical acceptance that might help you come to terms with this BPD reality you're dealing with:

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.

And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

These are the skills of reality acceptance.  It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

... .

Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute.  These skills take time to work.  But, if you keep at it, I think they will work.

You can read the entire article here: From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

Take care