New member, 5 years with a BPD girlfriend, working hard to move out

[prisonmike]

So I'm new here but I've been reading a lot about people with BPD. I realized about a year or so ago that my girlfriend has BPD (and maybe also narcissistic personality disorder and some OCD things too, as well as being bulimic). I've got to admit, I'm probably a little messed up too, she's 15 years older than me and I had no business getting involved with her in the first place. But I was always a shy kid and afraid of new people and didn't have my first real relationship until I was 18. Then I went in the military and learned how to get along with people and I suddenly became popular. I became one of the cool kids. It was awesome. And girls liked me, a lot. It was a glorious thing to have attractive girls being attracted to me. So I probably got a little carried away with letting any relationship happen (one night stands, friends with benefits, sexting, etc.). I never cheated on anyone I was in a serious relationship with though. That was important to me to never become an ass. I would flirt and have flings but if I started a real relationship I no longer got involved with other girls. Anyway, I came home from the military and a mutual friend thought we should meet. I knew she was a little older but she was attractive and I thought, "hey, nothing wrong with hooking up with a cougar." Boy I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to run away... .We got involved and started seeing each other regularly. It became serious and I stopped talking to all the other girls (mostly because she wanted me to "prove" that I was serious but that didn't seem like a big deal to me because I was going to stop talking to them anyway). Then we moved in together and we had a lot of fights, a lot more than I ever had with anyone else, but I figured it was because we both started off the relationship thinking of it as a fling and nothing serious, so now we were just going through a morphing stage and eventually everything would settle in... .so naive... .Anyway, fast forward through all the fights and the attempted break-ups and the struggle to get my family to accept her and all the clashes about stuff that I never thought I would have an issue with anyone about and here I am making plans to move out, right from under her nose. She has no idea it's coming... .But I'm still so deep in the FOG. Fear of what she's going to do when I leave and how she'll make her life work, the feeling of Obligation that I should be taking care of her and making every attempt to make her happy, and the Guilt of knowing that when I go I will be causing so much pain and hurt and anger for her and her daughter. But I'm still moving forward. I need to get back to me. I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I used to have such high confidence and self-esteem and now I just feel lucky to have my brother and my best friend in my life. I feel like I will never truly be happy unless I get away from her. And now I don't even care if I never see another woman for the rest of my life, I just want peace and happiness. But it's difficult. It's so stressful trying to focus on moving forward. But I have my best friend and my brother on my side and they're supporting me and motivating me to do what I need. I'm just so apprehensive about this process... .

Sorry for the long read! Kind of just spilled right out!

[bunny4523]

Hi and welcome,

wow, you have been in it for a long time.  How long have you been planning to leave and when do you plan on doing it?

[prisonmike]

pretty much made the serious decision last year when i was trying to finish an online exam for my bachelor's degree and she was throwing a fit because of the color of the towel i used for my shower. i needed to finish that exam and get a decent grade so that i could pass the class and earn my degree. and she knew how important it was. but she decided it would be better to throw bottles of gatorade at me than to let me work. and she's been reinforcing my decision just about every week when she flips out for such minor issues. its just been hard to follow through... .

I've actually just signed a contract to buy a house so i think i'm moving out in a couple weeks. i just wish i didn't feel so guilty about it so i could just do it... .

[bunny4523]

Good, it sounds like you are taking steps to get out. I was just trying to gauge your seriousness of getting out.  I hope I can say something to you that will help alleviate the guilt.  

You deserve to be happy.  You do not need a "good" reason to leave.  You not wanting to be in the relationship anymore is enough.  You taking care of you is smart and healthy.  Yes she will be hurt but that is ok.  She is responsible for her hurt and finding ways to feel better and to strengthen herself.  She may try to throw you a guilt trip or beg you to stay.  Be strong during that time.  You already made up your mind, you've already thought about it enough... .just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You may start to feel bad that you did this all under her nose, remind yourself that is the safest way to get out of a BPD relationship.  It is the least traumatic for everyone involved.  I think you did the right thing.

Be careful when you get to the point of moving your things out... .do you have alot of stuff?  :)o you own the house with her now or are you renting and on the lease?  I only ask because my ex BPD partner tried to change the locks on me with all my stuff inside. (and he knew I was leaving because he wanted me out) But because we weren't married and the house was in his name, it made it more complicated for me.  

Keeping things quiet right now is the best thing you can do.  Please don't feel guilty about it.  Besides, I'm sure once she finds out she will make up for it... .

I'm proud of you for making yourself a priority - that part of you is very healthy.  Expect alot of emotion and confusion to hit after your free from this.  You might just be in "survival mode" right now and it might hit all at once when you know you are finally safe.

Bunny

[prisonmike]

Thank you Bunny! You just made me feel amazing about all this. That's the kind of motivation I need to hear. To read what you wrote really helped reinforce my confidence in my decision. Thank you.

Yes I have a good amount of things that I really want to get out but I've gotten the majority of the most important stuff out already. I got a storage unit a few months ago and I've been stashing stuff in there when I get opportunities. On the day that I do it I'm just going to get a uhaul and put everything in the uhaul while she's at work or something. We don't own where we live, in fact we don't even have a lease. It's another part of the messed up situation but the short story is that I moved in with her after her ex-husband died (alcohol and drugs). He owned the house so his dad became the executor of the estate. But no one was paying taxes for a few years so he had to get a second mortgage for the taxes. I've been paying rent ever since he got the second mortgage but there's no official lease. So I guess that makes it a little easier for me. I can up and leave and I'm not liable for anything.

[bunny4523]

oh good!  I want you to get out and be ok.  There are so many people who can't seem to see that they don't need this in their lives, that they deserve to be treated better.  To have someone who loves them they same way they love.  I feel bad because they are stuck on the "but I love him/her" and can't seem to understand it isn't love.  It was refreshing to find your post.  Feel free to drop me a private message and let me know once your in your new place.   I think your plan to move out while she is at work is a good one... .otherwise maybe think about having an officer there at the house to keep the peace if it becomes necessary.

Have a great day!

Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect -- not codependency or rescuing.

[prisonmike]

Thanks again, Bunny. Those are the encouraging words that really help.

I've seen some posts from other people who do the whole "but I love him/her" thing and I certainly don't blame them. But think they forget what it's like to be in love with a person instead of the idea of that person. I never really understood that comment until I got into this relationship. Being in love with the idea of someone is just fantasizing about what you want them to be and what you want the relationship to be. And I think that's where a lot of people get hung up is with the fact that they haven't realized that they are holding onto something that doesn't exist. I definitely still love her but only in the "i care about your well-being and I hope you aren't too sad" kind of way. I would hate for her to do something drastic. But I have to remember that her actions are her decisions and I can't worry about what decisions she makes. And like you said, me trying to "rescue" her is not what a relationship should be built on and if she can't even respect herself then why should I believe she can respect me?